SubliminalGuy's Dragon Reborn Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#480

Ok, having some recon this morning on my 2nd rest day. I put in extra Ultimas the last 2 days There’s pros and cons.

Pro: Recon is holding me back from picking up RM. Self-expression is gold to me. Finding and flourishing my own creativity has been a hidden MUST for me. (hidden from myself)

Pro: that slight overload I feel today says too much is too much. More today will take my peace.

Pro: I’m experiencing that familiar battle on DR of trusting things will turn out ok. Listening to this in recent times has proven beneficial. I’ll pick up RM in time; now may not be the best option.

Pro: I’m feeling good about myself after writing the above

No cons here really. I want RM, but I’m acting responsibly.

Also, I’ve not been super productive lately. @James is active as hell on RM. I miss this myself when at home.

1 Like
#481

Just reading someone’s post gave me courage to share this.

I read Saint’s reply to someone asking about mixing DR with RM (it was a custom question), and he said DR will overpower RM. His later words are what’s bothering me. He said some get stuck in healing. That’s a big reason I’m attracted to RM. I wonder “when will I live?” This may be recon, probably is, but I feel stuck this morning. It’s doing the same fear-based avoiding of little opportunities like being around women in public. I’ve got to do laundry today, and I’m thinking I might do the same old avoidance shit again.

What WILL I do today?

Maybe this uncomfortableness is a positive. Noone really wants to stay in their shit. I have for a long time out of fearfully avoiding other options, but I’m realizing that living is much more desirable than hiding. This feels new to me. Me being me here.

1 Like
#482

It’s a bit crazy and I have yet to run Renaissance Man with Executive or R.I.C.H. as I intend to do

1 Like
#483

Does R.I.C.H. get you busy as well?

#484

So many changes. So many new choices.

Last night, while lying in bed, I listened to Love Bomb. And I listened to my DR custom this morning. I was intentionally seeking a response from others today since I have Chosen of Venus is in my custom.

However, I feel sad now. Last week I read someone’s post about using LB, and they said they were doing some reconciling since they knew they had distorted understandings of what love was. I’m seeing this in me, and it all points to my expectations of others. Expectations will batter even the most caring person around me.

A good memory just popped up of my old 12-step sponsor, a man with over 30 years of sobriety. For almost every single resentment anyone could air, he could always point it back to expectations that person had.

I think of my relationship with my ex-wife. Our expectations of each other often overlapped, and naturally…it was “her fault I’m angry!” My sponsor pointed out easily that I was holding expectations of her (to treat me better, esteem me, whatever), and he was right. Most of my expectations are VERY, VERY, VERY unrealistic. That’s why they’ll batter a caring person. They battered her.

Flip. I realize NOW I still am very wary of relationships since my understanding of love is actually engulfed by “you should do this. And that.” It’s very unforgiving. When my expectations run wild, I’m overbearing.

I guess that’s what it’s working on.

I’m actually wanting to drop these today. No shit. I feel like I have a choice now.

1 Like
#485

Keep your eye on the prize mate!

#486

I’m getting a lot of internal resistance writing this. I’m just gonna.

@RVconsultant , I saw this mid-day, and it’s been on my mind all day. And more specifically, I’ve been thinking over this all weekend. DR has been at work.

When I first saw your reply, I was defensive. I blamed you for upsetting my normal stride, what I normally do to stay in my bubble. On and off throughout the day, I was looking for some way to communicate my mix of irrational, fearful thoughts–and simultaneously hide this from myself. (Yeah, I do that)

I wonder “what IS my prize??” Over the weekend, when RM came out, I got a glimpse of what I’ve been doing here. I’ve been hiding myself here, fearfully following any person’s workable plan. It’s what I’ve always done, on autopilot. If I didn’t make waves, make noise, or piss anybody off…well, that’s been my major aim in life. Stay low, hide in some part of life where praise is received–and thus not face the danger of being rejected, or worse, abandoned. I did it in 12 step rooms for decades. I spent 10 years in college–to receive a 4 year degree. Again, my whole life aim is to live so…ahem…people will like me. Furthermore, why would I change my life if people liked me where I’m at now? (I’m doing this same thing at work too)

This last weekend, I began questioning what I actually wanted, using the subliminals. I’m assuming RM will allow my creativity to blossom. In contrast, … I’ve been running 1-2 loops of Emperor 4 daily since I got my custom St1. I began it as an experiment and pushed myself to stay on it. This last weekend, I realized that using Emperor is an exact clone of my pattern to fit in and be liked.

I decided today to stop running Emperor with DR. I came for a change, and Emperor was holding it back. Emperor also steeled my emotions up a little, so I wasn’t crying so frequently (more than once a day).

Honestly, I don’t have a (likeable) prize I can identify at this moment. My whole life I’ve either hid or mirrored everyone else. I’ve been around recovery rooms and have used subliminals to hide myself from…being abandoned. What I’m seeing is that I regularly abandon myself so I’ll “fit in”.

I’ve been doing too much, so it’s back to just DR and ultimas.

… something I realized before ever writing this post is–I’m angry. Not at myself. I’m angry I’m hiding from life year after year–hoping noone notices me. This pisses me off deeply, and it’s heartfelt. I really feel it.

Edit: change has never been my life’s goal. This is what is making me so uncomfortable and angry. I have been successful doing that. UUUGGGHHH!

2 Likes
#487

Question, why do you fear abandonment so much? I only ask because what you wrote there got me thinking about why I don’t. With my background it would make sense if I did, but I’m not bothered by the concept at all.

1 Like
#488

Your thinking is paying off and will continue to pay off! I’m happy for you!

2 Likes
#489

I was still in a crib when it happened. I needed my mom, saw her, maybe yelled for her, but she walked right on by. I don’t know infant psychology, but that memory has stuck with me creating fears and painful reactions.

I found that memory about 10 years back while doing a healing protocol. I remember seeing my mom’s face. She was in emotional shock herself from my dad’s behavior to her.

#490

Interesting. I’ve had many similar experiences growing up. I’ve long thought that you and I have some of the same base issues, but almost opposite (not saying either is better or worse than the other) long term reactions to them.

1 Like
#491

fuck, fuck fuck.

My mom had this “I’m helpless” mentality, and I took it on too, her being my main example. I hid since she hid. I’ve been walking in her shoes for eons, and I’m seeing it now.

And why I’ve hidden it from myself is I imagined abandonment if people knew I was making similar “I’m helpless” kind of choices. I have been. Sitting here, it’s the only bag of tools I’ve ever used. And subliminals were what brought this to my attention around 4 years back.

Mom thought she was helpless. I’ve thought I was helpless. Am I? (I’m asking myself)

And like Saint pointed out back when Kahn was released, saying goodbye to your old self is a process. There will be some struggle. And tears. Change is rarely uneventful.

I’m going to not run DR today. I left pre-Q Sanguine running on my phone all night, and I need downtime today.

1 Like
#492

Gotcha. Mine never did the helpless thing. She put on a front of being super capable (not entirely fake) that I didn’t see through until I was an adult. She also didn’t give a crap about me. I got really early that I was on my own so I adapted the way I did. Makes more sense now.

2 Likes
#493

Almost 2 years back I began EOG since I’d been moving that way in my life already. I stopped after 3 months doing Stage 1 since, as I stated last week, I was looking for an emotional foundation in it. I knew I was searching for it, thinking if I dealt with this, everything would come much easier. I wasn’t finding my needed foundation, and I pulled off it.

No, I am not planning to slip in EOG quietly. I did some things lately which encourage me to keep moving forward.

I’ve been writing freely here of actual struggles I’ve had. Bringing in my EOG run here, @Simon encouraged me to write down every impediment to becoming wealthy that I could find. I ended up with over a dozen of these, and he encouraged me to examine them daily, noticing small changes in my thinking.

In a similar way, I’ve been sharing my emotional blocks here.

People might abandon me.
I’ll feel responsible for Mom wasting her life and end up trying to save everyone else to compensate for this guilt.
Mom wouldn’t allow people to love her. Am I loveable?
Noone will like or love me if I’m honest.
I am afraid of painful changes since I’ve feared feeling helpless to change it.
I’ve hidden from actually growing for many years (pre-subliminals)
And they keep coming.

@Simon said writing those blocks down gives the subliminal something to actually work on. People here have asked how I felt EOG worked on me, and I frequently did not respond. I felt like a little boy pretending to be a mature adult around others, and what I actually sought I didn’t find. I felt like a failure. I also didn’t share this, so secrecy = shame, and silence reigned.

I’ll keep writing here.

I also brought up EOG since I am having motivation to make some effective moves financially. It could be Emperor executing. But trading has not been very profitable lately with my miner (he’s one guy using very few strategies, one being (imo) mostly buy and hold (alt-coins).

I did credit repair years back on my credit record, and I’m seeing possibilities of cleaning it up, raising it more with primary tradelines, and applying for loans. I’ve left my credit file untouched for almost 2 years.

2 Likes
#494

I think your head is starting to clear. You have some prizes to look upon and go for.

1 Like
#495

The most freeing thing I’ve ever realized was that my parents were royally effed up before I was born. Their mental crap had nothing to do with me, I was just born in the line of fire. It isn’t my responsibility to fix problems that I didn’t cause.
That statement is just as true of you. If your mother was unable to love you, it’s a problem with her, not you. You don’t need to carry that weight.

2 Likes
#496

DR seems to be working on that. I haven’t listened to DR this morning, but I am feeling a sensation in my gut, like it’s pulling something off of me.

#497

I’ve only done two loops of stage two, but I feel a sense of detaching.

1 Like
#498

I’ll stay tuned to hear how you’re doing.

#499

Something happened the last 24 hours, and it’s cool. I’m trying to make sense of it though.

I have used mental hideouts for a long time. Music usually does that to me. Yesterday, I felt like something was shifting, and I’m still uncertain of what’s happening.

I was driving, I had the music on, and I couldn’t go where I usually go mentally. I had mixed feelings internally, like hope right alongside a whiny kid wanting his way.

But here’s what showed up. I tried to pressure myself to be more alert and productive…but I couldn’t go down the same fear route, the one most commonly used. However, I’m not wasting as much time as I normally do. I couldn’t put my finger on what was happening.

And this morning, I’ve not been in an Emperor-fueled busy mindset. No, I’ve been focused on keeping it real with myself, even to where I turned some music on–for 10 seconds–and I turned it off. I didn’t want to go to my “hide from life” place. I looked at the clock, and I had 1.5 hours until I even had to leave. Normally, I’m rushing last minute to be ready.

I’m not sure what’s happening, but I do like it. It’s also not hard. Mentally hiding has been such a norm for me, but this is subtly changing something.

1 Like