SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#282

I think you’ve got a good start so far. You know what you don’t want and it seems as if you know what you do want.

I think once you find out that it’s okay to feel your feelings, that your feelings are not “you.” They’re just feelings. Then You can realize it’s safe to feel them because if you feel them, you can let them go, or they’ll let you go when that resistance dissolves.

I do want to apologize if this is unwanted advice. I just wanted to offer some support and really let you know that you’ve already got this. I think you’ve already begun to get past the hardest parts.

1 Like
#283

You took a washout. No biggie.

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#284

No apology needed @ABC333. Thank you for chiming in. I read your response last night but still felt leary of old responses I could come up with (me trying to avoid emotions and vulnerability).

I listened to my DR custom a half hour ago. Then, after reading on the discussion page and its sales page, I put on GLM and am listening to it now. I’ve downplayed its value repeatedly. But why am I listening? I need discipline. Personal discipline. Self-control. Storms can brew often when I’m fearful and unsure, but jumping around and being yes/no/yes/no causes MORE stress. I stacked it with Ascension Chamber.

@Michel, I value you being on this forum. I thought of you when being honest with myself, like I could do this good move…or this potentially ineffective and failure-leading move. And I thought of your many attempts at moving forward and finding more roadblocks. What I see is that it’s not about being successful each and every time, but knowing evidence of success can be found even when signs of failure scream loudly at you. It’s about having some hope and determination to succeed even when it seems to fight against you. Thank you for being here, as I’m still learning this myself. :point_left:

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#285

July 11, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 2
1st rest day

Wow.

I had something surface yesterday, and it wasn’t expected. But it’s huge, and linked to almost every way I think and react in the world. As if a small covering was taken off something I’ve hid from myself my entire life.

And it’s weird that I’ve felt both steady and stable AND also scared, not knowing how (or if) I’ll handle this purposefully. I say this because I’m older. I’ve spent my whole life ducking and dodging this. I never wanted to own this truth.

And now it’s glaringly obvious. I wish to share and begin to process it. I’m not ready to yet. Scared, mostly. For all kinds of reasons.

I wasn’t planning on writing anything today, just keeping it quiet. But I’ve felt on the edge of tears today, and this evening. I simply got away from my videos 10 minutes ago (using them to distract me), and knew I have to share something. This is only a beginning.

3 Likes
#286

July 12, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 2
2nd rest day

Overslept this morning. I’m seeking to “ignore” this truth and reality. Even seeking old ways (anything really) of feeling sorry for myself.

I’m embarassingly sharing, admitting really, that with a price paid, I’ve ignored this all my days. And I’m still leaning towards hiding and denying.

This is such a game-changer for me. I even don’t know that it’s true. More powerfully, I don’t know that it’s not true. I’m just avoiding this (as best I can). Being unsuccessful though.

I’m in my own way right now.

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#287

July 12, 2022 (cont.)
I chose to listen to DR and GLM while writing this. I’ve felt a lot of stress over this lately.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, so I’m just going to write it out.

About a week ago I began listening to a sexual attraction sub (not 'SC). I was off DR at that time, looking over various subs I own. Nothing happened overtly, and I ran it for 2 days. About 2 days later I resumed with DR and GLM. I’d been thinking of GLM since my miner’s been on it, and he’s been having a very positive experience. (I just remembered GLM says it will demolish anything that fights your very masculinity–that’s important due to what follows).

Well, I ran DR and GLM last Sunday, 2 days ago. And that afternoon, I had a bodily sensation that was linked to childhood. I was taking a walk while waiting on my laundry to finish, and I suddenly felt a sensation like being safely held by another male, and I actually welcomed it. I felt safe and protected. The problem with this is the only person I ever felt close to was my brother. The clincher in my past is he actually tried raping me (leaving home for good immediately after), and a swirl of feelings and emotions held on to me.

And since Sunday, I became scared since I welcomed that safe experience. I wondered…“am I gay?” I have honestly never had sexual desires to be with another male—but in my 20’s I had a friend who had a perfect family, he felt loved, and I got scared I might be gay then. I realized, in truth, I just really felt safe and protected when around him, and that desire for protection stirred me since it felt connected to…allowing abuse.

And it’s definitely been stirring me lately. Guys chase this feeling of safety down, shown in many ways. I so wanted to feel loved and protected once again. Looking over my life, it’s always why I’ve deferred to other males, hoping one would protect me like when I was younger. I’m sure there’s some f***ed up beliefs in there.

And that’s where I am now.

It’s also why I resumed with GLM. I seek the calm in the storm mentality. I want to have control over this. Not the other way around.

4 Likes
#288

“There’s nothing safe about authentic awakening. Literally everything comes into the light. You know that one thing you really don’t want to feel? Yes, that too - especially that! That’s what makes it authentic.” - Scott Kiloby

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#289

That quote hit my water works. Immediately.

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#290

July 13, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 2
Listened to loops last night due to stress. I found myself lying awake and thinking.

For me, I’m writing. I said it last night, but am realizing it’s been my emotional sticking point. I said that trusting a friend stirred me since I basically equated it with “allowing abuse”.

Friends aren’t the problem. They’re the ones I’ve hurt and left behind. No fault on their part. I’ve had this belief that trusting a male friend meant I could/should allow abuse–since that’s what I did with my brother growing up. I wonder if I’ve been blaming myself all this time. I still feel sensations physically when close to other males. It’s disturbing to me.

More importantly, I’m actually wanting to and am seeking new solutions to this never-ending (meaning “stuck”) thought process. I’ve been thinking “all roads lead to ____”, and have rarely (or barely) questioned it.

More important than outward actions though are beliefs.

Am I helpless to change this? No.
Am I ready for change? Hmmm. Not very practiced here.
Can I change my thinking? Yes, but fear has kept change away. It was an old constant in my life. That little fucker leads by lying.
Do I care about myself? The truth? I’m kicking my ass regularly and am not sure WHY
Edit: I just realized my old commitment was to keep the family together, an old childhood belief of mine. Barely any closeness is available today. I had beliefs that my brothers had similar commitments–but it’s been a year since I’ve even texted one brother. It’s been years with the other one. I haven’t seen either since 2019 when my mom passed. This makes me feel very insecure, scared, pick your words. Unsupported. Separated.

Do I have any clue as to why I should care about myself? Oftentimes, no. I played passive and looked for others’ signs that I was loved. I didn’t think I was worth much.
Will I be “abandoning” my brother if I change this thinking? (feels like yes)
Will I be breaking some internal vow to him or myself? I asked since it feels like a yes
Do I identify too much as a weaker brother or peer in present day? Yes
Am I scared of pain while opening these beliefs up? Yes

What I see after writing that is I have some tools and prototypes of what I can change into here in SC. But breaking that vow of loyalty to my brother seems like a sticking point presently. Hopefully…maybe…Stage 2 is working on this.

Wishing to value myself without hurting those I care about. Me included.

3 Likes
#291

July 14, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 2
2nd rest day

I had a sense of something happening last night, and I’m wondering if it’s true. I sensed that St.2 is pushing stuff out of me, but more specifically, I sensed it removing so much old trash from my reach and awareness. This is awesome!

I’m seeing more lately how I hold on to old limitations simply since they’re familiar. I’ve recycled, recycled, recycled these pain-making beliefs–and I’ve held on strongly when they’ve been pulled away, mostly subconsciously. But doing this has kept my life pretty stationary. No. Really stationary. STUCK.

Breaking away from old patterns is exactly why I’m on DR. I welcome this.

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#292

I feel like my mind is processing a lot today.

I’m allowing it. Not really talkative.

After spending years after year avoiding this change, I’m wanting this.

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#293

some things you’ve gone through remind me of things I’ve gone through in the past and forgotten about at this point. It seems some of the healing journey is universal in some ways. I think that’s definitely part of undoing the social programming, first step is becoming just aware and that starts the whole process of freeing ourselves to be our true selves.

one of the things is the sensations and feelings and putting labels on those caused me a lot of trouble. So when I was afraid of people thinking I was gay that’s what people would think. Or when I was afraid I was this or that based on some sensation or feeling then it’d just keep me stuck in that fear. So as I continued to let go and get insights and stopped labeling things so much that they kind of took care of themselves because I wasn’t feeding them any energy via labeling and all those associations to the label were gone with it.

or even the idea of being racist when I’m a minority myself. that fear came about from watching news and all of that so umm, I stopped watching news and at this point I don’t even own a tv. I put all my social media as things that are inspirational, spiritual, nothing really to do with politics or news.

Kind of the idea that feelings are just feelings. They’re not the truth just like our thoughts, they’re not reality but they paint our experiences. So a big thing for me was finding out how to let them go and also not label them and even just feel them and be aware of them. They will dissolve without our resistance.

4 Likes
#294

That’s too true @ABC333. Very, very true for me.

I’m taking this to heart. Signing off now since … I’m looking for labels to explain things I felt today. Thank you for sharing this with me.

1 Like
#295

July 16, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 2
1st rest day

Feeling disconnected from old ways and patterns. As I’ve been reading other’s journals (plus my old DR journal), I’m seeing I’m in that disconnect period.

Part of me feels sad over it–since even sadness was familiar. I’ve not written much lately since when I look for connections, I’m not finding them. It was something I’d regularly do, but something is changing, and I look forward to old connections just vanishing. I read people’s reports of “I don’t do that anymore…!” and I’m encouraged.

2 Likes
#296

July 18, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 2
Running Ascension and GLM right now

I’ve been craving a sense of control and personal power, so I’m running Ascension and GLM right now. GLM just started, and I had this apologetic funk going on in my head. Which is exactly why I’m running these. I considered Emperor first (I finally finished the EZP thread) but knew I could be too overreactive with a recent coworker who’s been negging me.

So yeah, this is relevant to who I am. I’ve been feeling disempowered for a while, and I’m needing to be in my own corner again.

2 Likes
#297

July 21, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 2
Listening to DR and GLM now

Something I’ll share, and I’m fighting it some now.

I listened to Ascension and GLM 3 days ago. And yesterday, when it started executing heavily, I saw myself rotating around this same problem. My problem is I’m still looking for a brother figure–but I noticed my mood swings and fluctuations were all over being disappointed with others not jumping in and filling that role. I ended up feeling like shit yesterday afternoon as I imagined nearly everyone criticizing or thinking less about me and rejecting me. I even stopped behind a sheriff’s car at a stoplight, a woman was driving, and I instantly interpreted her gesture while talking to her partner as being all about me, all negative.

I saw this as GLM showing me how I’m still thinking like a child when I feel low, still pulling from old understandings and perceptions. I shared this with my miner since he’s on GLM too. GLM’s kicking stuff out of me, and I’m glad to go through it vs. staying unchanged.

I remember asking Saint years back what would help with eliminating the victim mindset, and he suggested Rebirth and GLM. I was thinking on this yesterday, as I felt GLM actively looking for helpful ways of thinking while I was ruminating in that helpless mindset. So, I’ll keep it in my playlist for now.

2 Likes
#298

July 25, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 2
Washout: Day 2 of 3

I woke up this morning feeling peaceful initially, but a fear’s been growing on me. It’s been growing since I decided to write here this morning.

I’m planning on stacking LBH with DR Wednesday, beginning my 3rd cycle, and that’s when fear hits me. A line in LBH’s sales page feels painful just by its association:

“Once you’ve been hurt, especially by someone you loved, it’s hard to ever allow love to flow freely again.”

My well-practiced norm in life has been to lock down my emotions, my vulnerability, and hide it from others. Why? If someone sees the real me, I may get hurt. And strangely enough, I thought I was dependent on others to have any love. Self-love has been rare. So, pairing a belief that others supply me wih love along with old fears of being hurt, and my choices aren’t great. It’s been hiding in fear mostly.

I do look forward to seeing how LBH works in me. Because my norm is little more than recycling old memories.

An old subliminal memory: my first emotional healing subliminal had scripting that told me I wasn’t dependent on other’s approval to heal. I remember that feeling and belief popping up clearly when using it, and it made me feel safe and grounded. It took my focus off “everyone else”, and put it back on me and my own worth and acceptance–which I had to learn, actually. I’m wondering if LBH has similar scripting. @Fire

Edit: something I’ve not reported lately is St2 clearly pointing out the noose of unforgiveness on my neck. I was working last week, and I suddenly knew this old grudge is exactly why I strain nearly every relationship in my life. Grudges destroy peace and goodwill. I’m wanting to be free of this. Of holding grudges against all men and women. And of holding them against myself. Self-blame tears out my soul.

I’m even considering doing 2 loops of LBH solo Wednesday to let it dig in.

3 Likes
#299

You’ve had quite a 21 days. How are you now?

What have you learned?

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#300

Inexplicably excited about going forward, and I don’t know why. St2 has been this experience where I’m unaware of exactly what is happening internally, until I notice I’m angry, saddened, (etc.) about something in my life, and those are my rough days. My biggest awareness lately is me desiring some internal power. I listened to GLM a few times, and I did the updated Emperor and Elixir my last listening. Not a hint of recon.

But where I’m at currently is I’m in new spot. I’m excited, and I’m allowing it. I’ve been pulling back from trying to control that, and it seems to be blooming in me. I wondered if it’s related to my plans to run LBH. Maybe, as I found myself looking to share this excitement with others today. I thought how it could be “contagious”, so maybe me continuously reading the LBH discussion page is affecting me.

Comparing today’s experience with recent weeks, I felt detached from hoping for anything from anyone recently. I wondered where I was going or even if it mattered. I was very discouraged and detached, and I purposely slept more. I wanted love, but wasn’t sure about myself or anyone else. It’s kind of weird, but I’ve really been challenging my own beliefs about my old standards with people. In short, I was very needy. I thought I was being subtle, but St.2 has brought it forward continuously. I’m grateful since this belief is really getting walloped.

So, to sum it up, St.2’s been tearing down old “normal” patterns in my life. And even now (I’ve been like this all day), I’m letting it happen. Like I’m getting out of the way. It’s a beautiful experience.

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#301

July 27, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 3
Listened to LBFH and my DR custom this morning

I was reluctant to write this morning. As I got closer to just admitting I’d listened and leaving, I felt and looked at my messages to myself. I’ve written a lot of “you don’t want me, I don’t want me either” kind of messages, and it’s bothering me. I’m wondering if LBFH is hitting this.

I’ve had some “safe space” by downtalking myself. It’s me being detached, avoiding rejection, and having walls up to avoid further rejection. I created a safe (meaning “controlled”) space by rejecting myself first. That’s been a very strong reason I’ve held to it.

Let’s see what happens today.