SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#262

June 17, 2022 (cont.)

I’d like to share part of a personal email I sent to someone just hours ago. I share this since, true to my form, I often pretty freely share with one person at a time. I often feel like I’m speaking to a large crowd here, and honestly, I get scared and turn off my heart at times. It’s stuff I don’t want to read myself. I’m sharing here some truth which tells where I am and have been recently. I know it’s what’s been causing most of my recon.

Beginning:

To answer your question about what’s really going on, my custom is set to help me overcome some lifelong thinking processes, and I know I’ve been opposed to this since it’s kept my mind (my reality) safe.

That one module is called Courage Reclaimed. I’ll paste the description

“Reclaim your power and courage whenever you fall into a victim mentality through Courage Reclaimed. Utilize this module to break through the negativity that surrounds your state of victimhood and ascertain that you are truly in control of your destiny. Infuse yourself with courage and let go of the desire to act or be a victim and grab hold of your inner power with this profound module.”

I was raised all around this helplessness and self-destructive thinking, and I’ve noticed I’ve been seeking distractions from it. My old ways kept me safe…but they also kept everyone away. Everyone. I’m seeking to heal and open my heart more to others, and it also scares me. Recon is my mind reconciling new beliefs with my old beliefs, and there’s obviously some major work going on. This is changing my life.

I guess (no, I actually know) I’m afraid of the reality of letting this stuff go. In simplest form, all this dysfunction has been “me”. And I’ve been trying to hold on to it. But I’m only 3 weeks in on a 3-month journey. Lots of time left.

End

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#263

June 18, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
2nd rest day

I’ve been watching emotional videos and movies since I got home midday, and I’m unconfident in my ability and willingness to be honest in writing. I’m feeling broken inside, and I’ve really honestly not walked into what’s making me sad. I’ve spent my whole life avoiding this, now I’m hoping to see it. But some old limiting beliefs are trying hard to keep me in my familiar place.

And honestly, I realize a familiar place for me is seeking someone else to do it for me. That’s my ugly truth for now. As a grown adult it’s completely disgusting. I know. This conflict of desires is why I’m unconfident now. This healing is lifting the lies off my truth, and the truth is I’ve been dependent on another person facing things I felt scared of.

This is tough facing this. But it’s not impossible.

How does one convert old beliefs into something useful or even desirable? I don’t know. But a lot of me not knowing is based on believing someone else would do the work for me. My healing inactivity is due to thinking some brother “superhero” would make a rescue. Those are old dreams I’ve been trying to keep alive.

Change is knocking on the door of my heart.

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#264

June 19, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
Listening now

I’m running the store version of St2, my custom St2, and Ascension Chamber presently. I’ve not run AC in a while, and I’m desiring a mental focus on my issues.

Also, I put in the store version of St.2 over Elixir. When I was up with my daughter 3 weeks back, I only had the store version, and originally I was biased against it. However, I was really focused on issues in me while using it. My custom’s not been so obvious and tangible, so I wondered about putting both together. Just to see.

I’m craving that focus this morning. I was in YT last night, and a video popped up in my lineup about reprogramming your subconscious before going to bed. This video had some simple arrangement on how to change your daily thought process, and I began with the first guideline: make a daily plan the night before. No subliminals here, just guidance.

  1. Plan the next day, before you go to bed
  2. Review your goals every single night
  3. Practice gratitude
  4. Ask your subconscious mind for answers
  5. Hypnotherapy (Alternatives: Listening to binaural frequencies/subliminals)

It feels good taking back some control over my life, so I’m starting with these simple suggestions.

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#265

June 19, 2022 (cont.)

I’m thinking about why I normally don’t make important plans and goals in my life.

The answer is I’ve been afraid of failure. I’ve already shared it came from trying/wanting to please my mother, and she was almost never happy. I always blamed myself, and I’ve avoiding even trying in so many parts of life.

I’m just wondering if DR is still working on it. Well…I am rewatching a movie I saw weeks back, and the premise of living with old beliefs vs. trying something new (or trying again) is a theme in it. Maybe DR is doing its work.

I just know this old habit very well. I’ve never ever addressed this for more than 30 minutes in life before finding some distraction to focus on. I think DR is working on it.

Edit: Yes, yes, yes. I wrote this maybe 30 minutes ago. I am facing my continual unbeneficial reality of denying and avoiding painful awarenesses. This is a major lifestyle habit. I’m kind of scared since change=death in my mindset–but damn, it invites more pain in my life non-stop.

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#266

I added the store version St 2 to my custom St.2 this morning, and I’m noticing more of a focus than normal.

I had pre-judged it to be similar to the QV2 version of DR, where recon was normal for me. But so far, it’s just kept its focus on issues without overwhelming me. Very nice.

This is my last listening day for this cycle, and a 3-day washout starts tomorrow. I’m wondering if using the store version next cycle (with or without stacking my custom) would keep me more focused on its objectives.

I’ll throw this question to support.

#267

June 20, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
1st day of 3 day washout

I woke up a little afraid. I know part is me habitually seeking someone’s help here. The fear is from exposing that part which continually tries to hide that. If there’s anything I’ve been afraid of, it’s having my secrets exposed. i am so serious saying that, as I grew up hiding stuff constantly. And it makes my life very, very small. I deserve to treat myself better.

Fuck it. Hiding from life’s truths has kept me miserable and afraid non-stop. That’s why I was afraid. Telling my secrets has always been easier–to safe people, of course.

That’s one small step for progress today.

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#268

I’m going to keep sharing on this topic of hiding.

If I’ve ever, ever felt pain from trauma, even imagined trauma, it was in therapy or counseling offices, where I always knew I was afraid of exposing my secrets to myself. I sit here now, remembering being in those initial sessions, poking at the issue of “why am I really here?” I remember thinking and hoping this man or woman I was speaking to would foster a feeling of safety, and quite possibly, I could remain feeling safe. Feeling safe has always been my ultimate goal. Always. Each and every time. That’s why I originally stepped into each office. But the terror of facing my secrets was ALWAYS why I left. I’ve had that military-grade protection in my mind, barring me from knowing it. And I’d suddenly see myself as not able to handle this pressure of exposing it.

I’m only guessing here since it’s been over 30 years doing this, but I’ve been to at least 6-8 professionals for this, possibly up to 10 when considering the umbrella organizations which had access to specialists. 90% of the time I left out of fear of exposing this stuff to myself. The other 10% was due to a lack of finances, as effective therapy isn’t cheap.

Yeah, my first counselor I shared pretty openly with since he was an empathic listener. I started seeing him when I was 19. I was with him almost 3 years. He also picked up that sexual abuse was a major issue for me, and he had female clients who had similar issues. He actually formed a small support group for this, but being the only male, I only went one time. Looking back, this was when I began pulling away from him. I felt endangered. Keeping my secrets (from ME) was a top priority for me.

And now…this is still true. I’ve never dealt with this. I have little awareness how. However, I have seen and experienced dealing with it in an indirect way. One example is writing my story in 3rd person, like I’m talking about someone else’s story. I used to hang on this site (malesurvivor.org), and guys would do that to get it out of their head. One other way which I actually did well with is called psychodrama. A local woman here I saw about 15 years ago. She and I would talk, an emotionally sensitive issue would come up, and I’d suddenly be imagining speaking to a person I had issues with (who was sitting in an empty chair.) I imagined talking to my mom mostly during that time, but my brother, no. It wasn’t safe for me yet. But this technique still appeals to me. Why? Since I could express myself in ways I’d never ever done before. A form of this was done in a healing conference, and I let it out at my dad for leaving us. When I was exploding at an imagined dad, stuff came out of me that I’d never even expected. It’d just been stored in my brain, and it suddenly came out. Childish beliefs and awarenesses; all those connected beliefs and feelings.

I’m considering getting up and going to work now, and I’m remembering 30 years back thinking and feeling “how do I handle this in real life?” I’m going now.

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#269

June 22, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
Last day of washout

I woke up this morning remembering negatives I’ve accepted and done in my life. I was getting on my case since these were “easy” choices. I’m not proud of them.

So, I got up and made some changes. Showered first, prepped my stuff for today—wanting to not feel like I’d failed myself again by avoiding needed things. I’m all ready now and have an hour before I need to leave.

Being passive is what’s making me uncomfortable. To me, being passive comes from being afraid. Being afraid to win, to lose, to be noticed, and to not be noticed. Mostly just afraid of being rejected. Fear’s not very logical, and I began handing others my responsibilities early on to avoid rejection. It’s made me believe I’m pretty spineless. And continuing in it is painful.

I wasn’t made for this. What’s held me to it is a belief that I’m powerless to change. Seriously, that belief and feeling’s been with me for ages. But f that. It’s a “no win” position.

I’m making small changes, one at a time. I’ve got to fight for me.

4 Likes
#270

An encouragement for me happened last weekend. I worked a half-day by choice, and I was talking with another guy in my department.

He told me that another guy said I’ve changed. No explanation, but I know I’ve not felt so desperate for others’ attention and validation. But it is a good reminder that DR is working when others notice.

5 Likes
#271

You are making changes and even other people are noticing that.

Nobody else will but you. Keep fighting, mate :muscle:

3 Likes
#272

June 22, 2022 (cont.)

I got home 2 hours ago and I read your reply @Sub.Zero. It was very kind and encouraging. I found my belief in myself waning when I was ready to go home, and a new hire talked to me for over an hour after we exited the admin building. I felt sensitive and vulnerable so I didn’t cut him off. I wasn’t bothered by him. I just wanted to go–and I kept our conversation active. One part was wishing to be worthy of being a friend, and part felt like I was dismissing my own needs. I was giving myself shit riding home.

And something popped up minutes ago when I came to write. I thought of whining about myself, and that belief spoke up: “NOOOO!! I CAN’T!!” Part of me is really scared to own my feelings or even admit to them.

I ask “why?”

I’m scared to admit it to myself right now. I originally thought this was some limiting belief, but my feelings are pointing back to a buried trauma I experienced. Like I’m afraid I’ll feel like I did back then.

I thought Elixir works on limiting beliefs too, so I pulled up the sales page. Yeah, it does. Trauma too. I’d do loops now, but damn I want some sleep. 4AM, my wakeup time, comes early enough.

I’ll listen tomorrow morning.

Thanks for the support Voytek. It is appreciated.

2 Likes
#273

June 23, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 2
Listening to my custom and Elixir now

I am seeing connections now. I’ve blamed and assaulted myself for eons since I’ve felt so fearful about standing up to people. I’m seeing how some old childhood trauma stuck with me and has decided my actions every time.

Just like yesterday after work, I didn’t put a stop to the conversation with the new hire after work due to old fears and regrets which morphed into “maybe I can be a better person now. I can make helpful decisions now”.

The truth in this is I’ve been “nice” trying to own an identity. I felt I lost so much personal importance from this (still unremembered) trauma, and the “nice” approach is me saying “aren’t I valuable? Aren’t I special? And loveable?”

I sought to be loved and appreciated. I’ve hoped to rewrite my history and memories by doing good. I believed I could do it when younger, it’s mostly been positive, so I continued. But I’ve never dealt with the trauma. Not so far anyways.

Years back, when doing therapy, I always got the message “this is going to take a LONG time to recover from”. I’m not ok with this. DR is working on it now, so f*** conventional wisdom.

I first wanted to write “I want to challenge this”, but imagined criticism and rejection. So, I pulled back. That same trauma makes me “nice” here (Yeah, I know. BARF)

Edit: this trauma lingers though. I feel it, feel controlled by it, and so after feeling stuck for a short while, I go into avoid mode. Well, I normally do. I’ve been sitting here for a while, focusing on it. I think my loops took down some of the sharp edges. Some, but not all.

1 Like
#274

June 24, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 2
1st rest day

I’ve struggled to write lately, and I don’t feel confident sharing my reasons why. But the short answer is DR’s masculinity scripting is making me question my normal practices.

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#275

June 25, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 2
2nd rest day

This!

I’m figuring out why I keep running and why I’ve been in Run mode for a few weeks now.

DR is amping up my sense of masculinity, and this is what I’ve been fighting. I welcomed it initially since I saw good in outward validation. But DR’s not focusing on outward appearances and approval–it’s looking for me to instill and accept it at my core. I just don’t…feel super comfortable. I’ve been working in these mind trenches for decades knowing I could get help using both honest and dishonest means, but I’m feeling very wary of asking for something when I know I can do it myself. I’ve also felt low realizing I’ve viewed almost every male relationship like a possible tool. Not a friend. But simply as an avenue to get what I wanted. I’m feeling really slimy.

Still writing. I’ve made male relationships by acting and believing I was less then each male I encountered. This works all day when fear and a sense of possible loss is felt. However, DR’s been chipping away at that.

So, the short story is I’m in uncomfortable territory. Who am I now if I’m not just trading roles and allowing myself to be used (vs. using others for my benefit)? Where am I going?

I’ve spent my entire life coaxing and manipulating people for help (with a look, a movement, etc.), and I’m still looking for that order and predictability. My entire life has been based on "I can’t".

In survival mode, I learned how to deal with it, and it’s not honest. In recent weeks, I’ve looked for old internal strings to keep me in old ways, and they’re not there. I’m facing the reality of these ways, and I’m frustrated. My old ways aren’t tethered to much anymore. And this was my main source of predictability and security.

I’m just in very unfamiliar territory. I’m realizing my old ways were all rooted in fear–and my present recon is willing to do something to spur up some fear to feel not so insecure.

I guess that’s why people relive chaotic shit endlessly. Because they know what to expect. And this has been my story. I’m craving an answer, but again, that norm is all rooted in fear.

2 Likes
#276

June 25, 2022 (cont.)

I felt and wrote about the “I can’t…” beliefs. This is a major truth in my life, even now. Possible solutions are Limit Destroyer and Elixir, and I’m already using Elixir. I already wrote support weeks back about adding GLM, and I was encouraged to wait until Stage 3 before changing stuff. So, I am.

I’m also reluctant to experiment presently since DR seems to be hitting deeper than I’ve ever experienced on any sub. Adding something to destabilize myself more doesn’t sound appealling. I’ve got loops tomorrow, and I’ll do my custom and Elixir.

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#277

In your case, the transition is super fast, and may feel uncomfortable and lead you to ask questions like “is it really me?”, “do I deserve that change?”, “how can I cope with the new situation?”, “am I authentic and genuine?”. Those all questions are going to get answered at “the right moment” and it’s only about being patient and finding yourself comfortable in the uncomfortable… time, time, time. Just let it pass. My transition was gradual and took years whilst you’re doing it at the light speed. Good! :slight_smile: Or I would rather say GREAT! :muscle:

3 Likes
#278

June 26, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 2
Listening Day

Thank you for the encouragement @Sub.Zero. I truly value that.

And yes, I’ve questioned myself lately. I accepted it since I remember when Kahn came out. Saint had to share that Stage 1 was not going to be an easy ride. He gave the clearest word picture anyone could give. He said Total Breakdown (St.1) would completely demolish the building you owned and lived in–but create a brand new skyscraper in its place. He compared it to Rebirth which would essentially give it a new paint job for your existing building.

But he also spoke of how one would experience a loss of identity, a loss of a known self, and this is why I’ve been accepting of what’s come up on DR. Because life, by my own doing, has been painful. I’ve made choices continuously since I thought “I don’t deserve this/that/her”…almost anything beneficial.

So I’m sticking with it. I have faced creative new “reasons” to stop or pull off while running it. And those are my dangers. Last night I considered doing another rest day today. I was like “let’s see tomorrow”. But I slept peacefully, like some little battle somewhere is finished. I’m listening now.

To sum it up, my rest days are when major change and awareness happen. I chose 2 rest days early on since I remembered feeling overcooked doing 1 rest day on DR QV2. And Saint encouraged doing more rest days to lessen recon. That 2nd day is more often pretty internally dramatic. So I’m not worrying about it. Nah, I’m actually encouraged. If one needs evidence that DR’s working, do an occasional 2nd rest day. The awarenesses might shock some people. It’s still shocking me :wink:

2 Likes
#279

June 26, 2022 (cont.)

For weeks now, I’ve been drawn to love movies. I just watched one, and I started crying hard 2 seperate times. Both times it was from either the guy or the girl reevaluating why they had such strong walls up to keep someone from loving them, as both had turned away from looking and hoping it was possible.

And I, too, have had hard walls up. As in, I’ve instantly discounted hope for a good relationship.

And my “but” comes in now. I shared yesterday about being tempted to go off DR in newer, creative ways. Yesterday I actually pulled up a site of a subliminal producer I’d bought from about 6 months back, right when ZP was starting up. I was actually stuck on one love subliminal sales page, and it’s been what I’ve wanted (not the subliminal. A healthy relationship).

So opening my heart and allowing someone to love me has been a core desire of mine. I looked over HeartSong yesterday, and am considering stacking it with Love Bomb for growth and opportunities in the future.

Maybe, just maybe, DR is picking the stones out of my heart. And considering people have shared facing some deep healing while on HS, it makes sense. When all I’ve done is say “no” for years, DR is having me look at what I’m missing. And seeing the walls I’ve hid behind. Regret is hard to ignore.

This isn’t a “today” demand. I don’t even have someone in mind. I’m just painfully aware of how much and how long I’ve had these walls up. I even had these before and during my 10 year marriage.

I’d just like to be loved and love someone for being me, with no hidden agendas steering me. All in good time.

3 Likes
#280

June 27, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 2
1st rest day

I feel a wanting to come here and live in old mentalities again, yet part of me is pulling away, which feels new to me. I’m allowing it.

I read days ago about letting a subliminal do its thing, as I’m usually trying to disect it constantly. I’m going to back off and let it do its thing. It’s a gradual process of allowing that–but that’s definitely new for me.

I’m just wanting to grow up emotionally.

1 Like
#281

July 9, 2022

Afraid, and frustrated. That’s where I’m at. Facing crossroads again, and I’m wondering how to do this. To live successfully (emotionally).

I don’t want to tell my truth, but doing that leaves me alone in my shithole. Fuck. Here goes.

I pulled off DR over a week ago, having realized I was frustrated. I took the easiest option of hiding. I’d picked up that I was seeking attention more and more here, and I kept ignoring that. But I felt ignored…it felt like subtle abandonment, and I got up and left. THAT’s why I pulled off the forum and DR. I felt I was so myopic to gain emotional health that everything else in my life (money, women, guy friends) were all put aside. I just kept ignoring myself.

Even writing here feels strange. This I need to explain.

To keep relationships in my life, I’ve always played weaker and vulnerable, seeking people’s kindness, in fact. I’ve gotten good and bad from it. But 15 minutes ago some feelings came up–and I realized an old well-practiced habit. I felt anger coming up, and having been on my computer here, I went looking for some “nice” feel-good movies or music. I was avoiding feeling my anger. And that’s what I’m both afraid to feel and afraid to admit to. I think “EVERYONE knows how to deal with anger. But I don’t”. Anger was often used maliciously when growing up, and it was the opposite of finding compassion or caring souls. Me being angry at home meant instant rejection, so NO WAY was I going to be angry. I became her “best” child. Fuck that. i was just trying to save my emotional life. I wasn’t trying to be loved. I wasn’t seeking encouragement. I was trying to survive. I survived by being “good”.

And my anger moments ago felt both welcomed and shameful–if that makes any sense.

How the fuck does one grow when they’re still in survival mode?
How do I accept myself when being angry? Where do I go with it?
(I’ll just say “NO!” to people giving impersonal advice)

I’m the one who’s not owned his anger.
I’ve been on and off Emperor since it promotes assertiveness (anger) and I’m feeling squirly now imagining being angry but stuff-stuff-stuffing it down (and labeling it RECON)!! How the F*** do I deal with that survivalist trying to bury it non-stop?!

I’d like to own some of it now. …But anger meant danger to me growing up. That throws my emotions around big-time. In short, it was without restraint when I saw it, and I divorced it from myself for that reason. That’s where I’ve been stuck. And I feel chicken shit to DO something about it since anger meant immediate fear and pain growing up.

I don’t even allow myself to feel it 99% of my awake time.

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