SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#302

July 30, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 3
1st rest day

Some major shifts are happening. I listened to Emperor and LBFH yesterday, and I’ve needed both. I was reading in @COWolfe’s new Kahn journal and he said DR removed the bad, but left a hole unfilled. I’ve been both lacking direction and desiring some skills/tools/templates to make positive changes in my life, so that’s why I did Emperor with LBFH yesterday. I’m going to keep LBFH in my stack.

More obviously, I’ve been VERY averse to posting here begging for a sense of worth by approval and acceptance. That has tripped me up every day since I’ve been here at SC. I can not do that anymore and feel good about myself. Whether it’s LBFH or Emperor or both, I’ll definitely do more of both. I’ll do DR, Emperor, and LBFH in a cycle, but I’m strongly considering trading out Chosen for Emperor in my St3 custom.

I’m just tired of pushing myself to be everyone’s “nice guy”. I feel like total shit when I’m in this desperate mindset of “will you love me if I’m good enough?” I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy. I’ve been doing that to myself, and it’s stopping.

I also had a manifestation this morning. I wasn’t looking for it. I’d started some romance movie on YT last night and stopped it (when I usually finish it even if dead tired). Well, I resumed it this morning, and it really got to me. A young couple had split when young since she took a job offer in a big city, and 10 years later she was living successfully. She found old pictures of him, and began imagining “what if…?”

And as if a reality switch flipped, she suddenly was living in her old neighborhood, had 2 kids, and her old boyfriend was now her husband of 10 years. She was lost. I began crying, seeing a parallel in my life of being everyone’s best yes-man and fearful follower vs. loving myself daily and following my own dreams. What was beautiful was her lesson was not about changing her past, but about changing her future. She had total control in her present moment, and she just hadn’t been aware of it before. It’s my lesson too. It’s true in every way.

And i just had this old insecurity rise with me wanting to end this share. I thought “is this good enough? How do I end this?” I wanted to be liked–but it all came from being desperate for love. So, there’s still work to do since I’m still looking to fill that. Done now. Glad I could share here.

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#303

The first paragraph reminded me of this quote by Leo Tolstoy,

“Respect was invented to cover the empty place where love should be.” - Leo Tolstoy

LBFH and CWON are so exciting because they get us back to our roots so to speak. Before the world got ahold of us. I myself am also on the DR journey. Stage 3 right now for me along with LBFH also. But my third title is Ascended Mogul for awhile longer.

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#304

Wow. That’s even what we’re taught when younger. To seek strength or anything else to cover the hole that should have been filled with love.

I just need love presently. My heart’s been craving it.

I did just put in a module request on the roadmap. Its aim is for us to seek healthy attention while healing. I’ve tended to hide mostly due to old self-shaming habits, and this hiding even brings on more shame, thus keeping this cycle going. So, I requested a module to have us seek healthy attention while healing. Fire’s made stuff I’ve requested years back (mostly just asking in my thread posts), so I’m sure this will be made eventually.

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#305

July 31, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 3
Listening to DR and LBFH now

New thoughts and realizations have been popping up while listening. I’m going to share one before I sweep it under the rug again.

I’ve always played safe when around people. I’ve usually been wide open or closed down completely. I do this with family, friends, and even strangers. Reflecting back, years back when I was teaching I felt like a school celebrity since I was pretty open and “nice”. Very non-combative (as a substitute teacher), and I was frequently sought after. I got attention whether I wanted it or not.

But what I’m doing now–I’m playing safe again. I’m alone all the time when home, I don’t reach out to family since I have old unhealed differences. You know, the norm for families raised like mine (alcoholism). I assume people out there don’t want me. It’s like I’m looking for what fills my old norm.

I’m sitting in pain here, and I just realized I’m desiring to keep safe. My walls are, in essence, the 4 walls of my room, keeping people out. One or both subs are questioning this, and I long for the day when I can be around people and 90% of my attention isn’t focused on keeping my guard up.

I haven’t been regularly to church in years, I have no friends I keep in touch with, and I’ve been afraid of girls since I want to drop my guard to someone. I’m too nice, too easy. I just keep everyone away, fearing they’ll see the pain I’m in and reject me. Here too. Every part of my life I’m like this. Like safety is my absolute must. I write that in pain. I’m hurting, but have no outside resources I feel safe opening up to.

I saved an AA meeting flyer on my laptop months back, and this morning I opened it. I don’t drink, nor have desire to, but I desire to belong with both men and women to feel like I’m part of life. That is the main reason I went to AlAnon, AA, NA, and any group where I could feel wanted , and hopefully, loved. I used to go to 2-3 meetings a week, mostly to feel like I belonged somewhere. That’s my life. That’s the main reason why I’ve had such “experience” in 12 step rooms. To feel like I belonged. Why I’ve done 3 or 4 year-long commitments studying the 12 steps (called step studies). I ended up thinking something was essentially wrong with me since I felt unwanted and fearful of people knowing me. And it kept me going.

And now, I have a lot of healthy programming, but I’m away from people most of the time. And I still have that old fear of being hurt if people know me.

What am I not seeing? Hiding in my “bunker” isn’t a solution.