SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#34

March 10, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 1
Rest day 4 of 5

I realized this morning that I’ve been uncomfortable with the self love messages, only since I haven’t lived like that or had reason to per my training. This feels similar to what I felt on LB QV2, which brought on a lot of recon initially.

I sat there this morning, and found some hope in knowing everything is new starting out. I sense I’m adapting to it.

I wonder how much DR focuses on adapting or accepting that there’s a lot of shit in the world, and we’re only in charge of how we perceive it. In my case, thinking anything new is “dangerous” to my well-being shows me a lack of mental and emotional maturity.

I like what DR’s doing.

5 Likes
#35

During this washout, I’m finding DR kicking in in expected and not-so-expected ways.

  • I thought of a coworker who’d made some comments which began pissing me off. I returned to the shop, and he asked me how I was. I told him honestly that I’d been defensive and was expecting more criticism from him. He didn’t deny it, and didn’t justify his position. Rather, he began speaking positively to me. I quickly deflated my defensiveness, seeing it wasn’t needed.

  • I’ve been thinking about my daughter much more, even though she’s almost an adult. And more specifically, I’m practicing being honest and unguarded with her in my head.

  • I’m feeling more confident about healing and moving forward. For example, I’m not feeling so alone, and even thinking about being alone is connected to the truth that I did this, that I was punishing myself for some reason. Just sitting with that automatically makes me think of being near people more. True pleasure is MUCH easier than self-inflicted pain.

  • I realized my thighs and leg muscles were bigger and firmer while showering this morning. And I do NO lifting or training. I’d noticed this while on the Q version of DR a year back, and it’s quite obvious to me now. Physical shifting is present and working well.

I was feeling a fear of being “inadequate” to others here, where I just considering posting this without checking my words and thoughts first. But, I stayed on and admitted it. I’m feeling good about myself, meaning my guard’s not up so high :slight_smile:

6 Likes
#36

March 11, 2022
Last rest day

I just messaged support about my DR custom. I’ll stack LB with it since I already have 2 cores.

DR1
Chosen

Mosaic
Deus (unsure. I asked support)
Foundation – returning to my focus
Path of Forgiveness – forgiving myself
Ares – purging out guilt and doubt
Courage Reclaimed
Call of Honor
Depths of Love
Chosen of Venus
Emotions Unfettered
Growth Through Pain
Iron Frame
Pride Unbroken
Remembrance
Sanguine
Virtue Series: Hope
Strength of Gentleness
New Beginnings

2 Likes
#37

Awesome choice for you my friend.

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#38

March 12, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
Listened to DR and LB this morning

Thanks @COWolfe. Chosen sits very well with me since it’s closer to my long-term emotional and mental goals. And while in my washout, I actually gave thought to doing 90 days on each stage.

I’m feeling different right now. I was called yesterday afternoon to go on a route with a driver, and I was running all afternoon. I’m mentally tired this morning, knowing I’ll start feeling some healing going on soon. I haven’t run like that in months.

But tiredness can breed fear, as I feel vulnerable right now. I’m heading out soon, and I’m working with the same driver this morning since we didn’t finish. Will come home and gladly crash.

Edit: I’m still sitting. I AM tired.

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#39

Listen to me very closely

Don’t ever feel inadequate on this forum.

You can be as introspective and transparent as you want, nobody is going to judge you.

We all have our own demons to fight.

We’re all growing, and we’re all leveling up.

That’s what unifies us. It’s the common objective that we have towards our unique growth and goals.

The will to change.

That’s the only thing that matters.

Your starting point doesn’t matter. How fast you’re progressing doesn’t matter.

We’re all one of the same.

Details don’t matter, at the end of the day we all have individual experiences on our own individual journeys.

I read your posts and I see a badass. The capacity and intention to grow, manifested through your journaling and usage of the tools.

I see limitless potential in you like everyone else. I see your honest introspection as power and strength, because that’s what it fucking is.

The average person is not taking responsibility for their life and using subliminals like you are.

You’re already building wisdom and character like a beast.

Everyone in the forum respects that, they have no choice but to.

This is the last place you have to worry about stuff like that.

Just because your posts doesn’t get 30 likes, doesn’t mean people aren’t reading them.

They’re ready to jump in and lend a helping hand or offer a discussion if need be.

All that inadequate and ego type of stuff is not for here, this is a place of learning and growth.

Stay consistent and keep going, lol.

12 Likes
Luther's SPARTAN ZP Journal
Main Disc. Thread - Khan ZP
#40

March 13, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
First rest day

Thank you for the encouraging words @Luther24. Really, I thank you. Feeling inadequate is me thinking less of myself compared to others. DR seems to be doing a good thing on that right now. I know everything below is me looking for understanding.

I’m so used to hiding who I am, both here and in real life. I’m even looking for my BS mask now writing back to you. When I’m alone and writing, I usually write honestly, even painfully, since that’s what I see and feel, and admitting it helps me, which is why I share it.

Lately, since my last washout, I’ve been seeing small behaviors and habits of mine when I’m around other males. My safest place, for me, has always been to play the “little brother” role. Good or bad, it’s what I’ve always done. I just realized one guy I’ve not spoken to in months because he’s much more an equal like me, and selfishly, it doesn’t encourage me to call him. I feel disappointed when expecting or needing that familiar role. And I bring him up since I’ve wanted to call him for other reasons.

And DR is changing me from nixing this whole mindset (basically punishing myself) to seeing how I can relate to others from where I am. I joined 3 other guys yesterday morning before work, and I was lost. Very quick conversations, loaded with funny jabs back and forth, and I was clueless. Trust was in the mix, but not what I normally trust with others. I was a wallflower mostly, as I didn’t know how to honestly and easily contribute. And be me.

Expectations. Old norms. Old standards. All up for change. What I’m beginning to clearly see on SC subs is…I don’t have to do anything. I’m shown choices. That’s my point of growth.

Again, thank you for speaking up.

2 Likes
#41

What do you mean by the little brother role?

1 Like
#42

Admission: I wrote my last post, then went on the forum, finding the customs announcement thread since I’m planning one myself.

I then took a bathroom break and realized I’m playing the wallflower again. I’m seeing everyone else’s passion and plans, but I’m not sharing mine. I’m thinking and feeling quite unimportant, hiding out, not contributing there either. In fact, the actual excitement I feel while reading is me feeling like a little kid being exposed to some majorly exciting thing.

Still, there’s this little voice that says “I’m not important”. It keeps me small (and remembering old times). Uninvolved. Unattached. Capable of doing nefarious things since “no one knows me”

I…don’t…like…it.

What am I holding on to? Answer: old images and feelings of security–in my head. I had a purpose then. I’m not sure of my purpose now. I’m prone to hide in “busyness”, doing things to avoid this …this “letting go” of old patterns. I even began crying while writing minutes ago since letting go is on the table for me.

F***. I’m realizing how isolated I’ve made myself.

I’m successfully avoiding the victim mindset here. I created this problem. I did. I can make changes too !!!

1 Like
#43

I was the youngest of 3 brothers. I’d often allow them to lead me since both were insecure yet adamant about being in control of their respective worlds. This made my life incredibly easy since I very rarely had to assert myself around them.

It’s also closely tied to me feeling inadequate around other males since “what do I want and stand up for?” I’ve been drawn to “easy” still (the little brother role), but it just doesn’t work well anymore.

3 Likes
#44

I see. Thank you for taking the time to elaborate.

2 Likes
#45

March 14, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
2nd rest day

I’m in the middle of changes going on, and I’m insecure. I often come here, seeking a mood to dwell on, and it’s ultimately just for attention OR distraction. Truly, that’s been a strong motive, and it’s changing.

For example, I rewatched a chick flick yesterday, and since I don’t feel so emotionally compressed, I only cried some, and it wasn’t even about the story. It struck on an internal sadness I’ve been carrying, and I’ve even been trying to minimize it, all so I wouldn’t feel it. But since the movie connected with it, I allowed myself to feel it. Why? Because movies always have a limit on time and people’s attention, so plot changes are essential in any movie. It feels safer having some emotional limits in my life.

I’ve been dwelling in that sad mental framework for many years, only expressing it more in recent years. I don’t want to live there. But I will have my feet and mind there until I face it. Changes are truly happening. Part of me is exceptionally excited. Part is scared shitless. I have no idea where I’m going. But I’M GOING!

Yeah, I feel both excited AND saddened. I guess all change is welcoming in new things and pushing out old things. Saying goodbye is where I’m at this moment.

3 Likes
#46

All I have to do to realize changes are happening is to step back into recent days. I went to a store to get food, and even while walking away from my scooter, my normal, somewhat solid template wasn’t really available (to HIDE behind). I grew excited since I wasn’t carrying this barrier around people, that unspoken LEAVE ME ALONE!! message. Nah. I smiled at myself, knowing I was being real–and unrehearsed. Just me. It felt good smiling.

1 Like
#47

:+1:t2: Remember that you are not in a hurry. You have the rest of your life to work on yourself.
Taking a year to run through DR did wonders for me, and I would expect it to for you as well.

Don’t feel inadequate. Especially here. We all have problems and things we feel inadequate about or we wouldn’t have sought out subliminals or been on the self improvement journeys that brought us here.
No one here is better than you, we’re all on the same road.

4 Likes
#48

March 15, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
Listening to DR and LB

I got hit with the imposter syndrome last night, and I’m still wrestling with its questions in my head. I’m considering and comparing why Saint pulled off the forum while testing New Beginnings 2 years back, as I truly needed to disconnect from everybody last night. I started writing, then shut off my computer… There’s a low-level frustration with one person in real life, but that cutoff I’m desiring seems to be growing. I wonder if Saint pulled off since he just wanted to pout, whine, and blame everybody else for his own internal chaos. That’s where my head’s at right now.

Is New Beginnings in DR? I wonder. It’s shaking things up, but it’s not glued to hopelessness. I’m just drawing boundaries around myself, which is a newer experience, for sure.

2 Likes
#49

I see the frustration. I’m holding so much inside, but wishing for someone else to release it. Dammit, that’s my life story. That thinking breeds crap in every conceivable way.

Maybe it’s my norm for handling excessive and unreasonable blame for everything. Since I couldn’t fix it (while growing up), I looked for a savior anywhere and everywhere.

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#50

Your only savior is the person in the mirror. No one could ever take care of you the way you can.

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#51

I feel you bro. I’ve felt the same way since forever, and at times I still do. But you know? As long as you work to improve your personal power and agency (which you clearly are since you are here on this forum) … What @Davisnwc mentioned here is inevitable, and you will eventually be the person you felt that you needed :slight_smile:

I also feel that what @Fractal_Explorer mentioned in RVC’s thread regarding “past healing subs to be destabilizing” to be true, and I think that it’s worth keeping in mind during ST1-2… makes it easier to endure the chaos inner turmoil while you are preparing yourself to be put together again during ST3:

What are your thoughts/feelings about that?

And do you have any previous experience of DR? I have a vague memory that you’ve mentioned it, but I might just be confused atm :sweat_smile:

3 Likes
#52

I like that. Thanks Davis

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#53

No problem man.

3 Likes