I’m posting this here for progress sake. New experiences.
Had a day full of maturity and growth. I had to walk into some fears at work–I’ve been blaming and criticizing myself when I think people are rejecting/disrespecting me. And I kept walking into my same fears repeatedly, those of being rejected. I wasn’t giving myself credit much of the morning, and this continued.
But I followed my orders, and got my job done. By midday I had to take initiative to do some things I usually expect others to do, as I’ve never been in the spot to do them. Today I did. “No big deal” I said to myself. But I got respect by one guy I’d been looking up to for a while. What had changed?
The one thing I noticed is—I kept eye contact with him a time or 2. I have often looked away or down, feeling small and incapable in my setting. I realize when I look at a guy who catches my attention, if he keeps eye contact this tells me he respects me, and it opens a doorway of trust. Something like that happened today. I’m speaking more out of feelings on this.
One new thing around a woman today happened when I went grocery shopping after work. Most of the cashiers are young high school girls, so I am cautious not to seek their attention (and validation) often. I don’t want to be a “creeper”. But looking for an open line, one cute girl invited me over to her line.
I opened the exchange, admitting (slightly embarrassed) I was doing more junk food shopping, and I’d do real shopping later (I’d bought cookies, chocolate syrup, bananas, and yogurt). She smiled and made some note of it being understood. She commented on the storm starting, and like I’d done once today, I said I loved this weather. Living in Florida means most weather is hot and uneventful. But we were having close lightening strikes with booming thunder, and it excites me since this is actual weather to me, for I’m a native here.
She quickly added in that she’s from NY, and cold is her norm, she’d lived in it 19 years, so this was new to her. And she said something which I didn’t know how to respond to, for I was reading her expression. She said she loved snakes and all reptiles, and living in NY didn’t work with them. She repeated she loved snakes. I was listening like an outsider, and I sensed an air of “am I acceptable?” in this. I wasn’t turned off. I was just trying to listen to the emotional message coming through. Nothing came from that, for people came into line behind me, and I left like this had been “normal”.
While leaving, I felt flattered by her and a bit disappointed by my own actions. I was afraid to say something which might scare her from being so vulnerable and open in public settings. I was afraid to be honest with myself, and then, her.
To put it simply, it has been a long time since I’ve received any “test” from a woman to see if she was desirable by me. Part of me is interested (the parts I can see), while parts are wondering “what would come up next?”
And while writing that, a quote I read today came to mind. 'A relevant one.
“Don’t go for a perfect relationship. Go for someone who won’t give up on you, no matter what”
I know nothing about this girl, but my standards (aka fear in disguise) have nixxed out anyone with…any real life. Any possible issues. Any resentments. Or even any known preferences. (Ughhh. Sounds like my mom. She’s been afraid to live. I have too.)
I want to allow women into my life, for all the pros and cons. ‘What might I do?’ I ask myself. I’ll find out as I go along.
I am doing that 
