SubliminalGuy--Ascension and Rebirth Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#1

I found SubliminalClub yesterday after searching for ultrasonic subliminals online. I’ve been with another producer for 2 years…no major issues really. I just felt a bit dependent on everyone else’s approval and validation of myself. It’s disempowering, to say the least. I’m mid-40’s, but I’ve returned to acting like a small child many, many times. I’ve stayed for the emotional healing subs, which have worked nicely for me. But still, I was looking for some deep masculine subliminal training. With or without subliminals, I’ve needed and wanted that. I knew they might be found together in subliminals, and I found SubliminalClub. Here I go.

Yesterday, I looked around, and purchased Emperor and Rebirth. I listened to them both for only 4 hours before taking Alexander’s advice and purchasing Ascension. Mind you, Emperor works deep and fast. Alexander said to go with Ascension, and I felt like saying “Who the f*** are you to tell me…?” (I credit Emperor for that. I was really wound up on it). After having Emperor off and replacing it with Ascension, I replied (calmly) that I’d taken his suggestion. I’m glad I have Emperor, but I’m not really ready for that level of push. I liked it…but one step at a time.

I ran it all night on ultrasonic. When I got into work, I was tired…but my coworker noticed I was in my own world. He asked if I was alright. I did a normal thing I do where I dismissed my own thinking and listened to him. But…I also had my guards up. He’s from NY, he’s a young veteran, and the first thing I asked him was "how’re you this morning? His response was “good until I saw you”. I know he picked up my distaste for his disrespect since it showed on my face, and I didn’t say anything else. He’d been an asshole, and I’d let him know. I normally lie to myself quickly. This was new for me to let it show, as I normally act like a toilet wipe seeking his approval. I’ve been real desperate to have someone know me and like me. I’ll share why some other time. Not now.

During lunch, I turned Ascension on on my phone, on ultrasonic. I wondered if I’d feel it like I have with other subliminals. I may have gotten a taste of it–but I was tired. Not much sleep last night, even though I got in bed on time. I’m unsure if it’s the subliminals, and I’ll drop early tonight.

I read the replies to my introductory post this morning and during lunch, and I’d asked about Ex Machina. I learned it is the Extreme version of Ascension, so I put it on once I got home, looping it on ultrasonic. I’ve wondered how it may be more powerful, remembering Emperor yesterday, so I chose it seeking a little more push. I’ll share what I experience later.

I did notice something in my thinking this morning before getting to work. I didn’t NEED everyone like I normally (fearfully) do. In fact, I realized I work for an asshole in the business world…and only I can change that.

I may share more later. Going to rest for a while

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#2

Yes, it’s amazing how the subliminals here seem to work fast.

But according to @SaintSovereign that is a “honeymoon period” effect. That is not permanent until you commit to running the subliminals long enough for change to become more permanent.

About the sleep, for the first few weeks on a new Subliminal Club sub I always wake up without enough sleep. But I do leave the subs running all night, so maybe since I am a light sleeper, the “sounds” I cannot hear keep me from deep sleep.

Anyway, it is normal. It is happening to me now with Primal.

Congratulations on your progress and exciting beginnings! Are you mostly looking to reduce validation? And what does “deep masculinity” mean to you? What are your actual goals, @subliminalguy ? It helps to define them so you can track progress.

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#3

@subliminalguy I was listening to Ascension last night myself. I came into work today feeling almost the exact same way. Wondering why in the fuck I even talk to or bother with some of if not most of the people I work with. I’m sure they aren’t bad people I just don’t have the time or ambition to pursue friendships with these people. That and the immaturity makes my teeth itch. I have always felt a bit guilty for any feelings of ruthlessness or selfishness but now I feel that if I want to accomplish my goals it’s almost necessary

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#4

I should add it felt really weird and strange and yet incredibly cool not to be concerned half the day with what anyone else was doing. Just being focused on my work and what I need to do.

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#5

I’d love to feel less dependent on other people’s validation of myself. When I’m in need of it, I feel so insecure. Very insecure, and feeling less like a man.

Deep masculinity refers to my lack of masculine validation, as I was raised without much real male role models, as I was left without brothers from 13 on. I didn’t meet my dad until I was 17, and we weren’t ever really close Something in this sublminal touches me at that level–For I never knew I was adequate, lovable, and completely acceptable. I never got that message, and I’ve sought it in marriage, guy friends, work, church, and anything that might say “You are worthy”. F***, … I am still trying to fill that void. The present bind is it “appears” it’s only found in achievements.

Regarding deep masculinity, it feels like I’m running on empty. This is why I’m on it. I can’t force progress but I am on Ascension–and I stacked Rebirth on it 20 minutes ago.

It exhausted me writing that.

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#6

Oh man, I salute the courage it took for you to write that. And welcome here, you are in the right place.

I, btw, also was raised by a single mother. My father abandoned us, I only met him when I was 16, and then he chose not to keep in touch, so I don’t have much of a relationship with him.

Stick to it @subliminalguy, keep running the subliminals, keep a journal, notice the change in behaviors, celebrate every small success, and work towards becoming the man you want to be.

And if you have any questions or concerns, everyone is friendly around here.

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#7

@subliminalguy Stay with what you’re doing. Believe me I know how you feel and the more you listen to Ascension and Rebirth the less and less you will feel needy and insecure. One thing I failed to mention in my post and this is from listening to Emperor and Ascension as a stack all night last night, I realized at some point earlier today that I always thought I needed someone to be there if things got bad or I was in some financial bind. I can and will get through anything that happens with my wife beside me and I don’t need anyone else.

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#8

I’m wondering–as I’m feeling it–does Rebirth have a calming effect? Maybe it encourages emotional release.

I was tense mostly when I first wrote tonight. Like a hurt, scared kid in me said “will they like this?”

I then shed some tears when Amash shared his story. I cry a lot when I heal. Won’t hide that. In fact, when I’m soft I’m usually more honest. Something is coming out of me, and it IS a release.

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#9

Yes, it will release and rewrite hurtful events/feelings from the past.

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#10

Took Rebirth out of the nightly loop. I added it back 5 minutes ago. I’m feeling sad. Feeling it isn’t hard. Sharing it is. Old blockages of broken trust with men, I think. No…I know.

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#11

Stay strong man. At the end of this pain is empowerment.

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#12

Thanks Alexander. Before I even read your reply, I had something click this morning while at work.

I realize I’ve went digging for pain time after time to confirm my “poor me” status. It’s worked for so long where I’d get attention. But…why? Why did I do it?

I felt inadequate and incompetent, nothing more, nothing less. I had communities (12 step groups) where I could share, spin, and even exaggerate my story–to feel validated for something, anything at all.

What clicked this morning was a realization that I have not valued myself as a man, or even seen myself as a man. I felt like a little boy most of my life…but something in my understanding this morning saw a man. Something is clicking :grin:

Thank you for making these subliminals. Something is changing in me, and I look forward to a lot of it!

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#13

Glad to hear of your progress @subliminalguy and keep going!

If I could recommend something, I would recommend these two books:

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#14

I’m facing some resistance, and I actually am grateful to see it so clearly. When I look at my messy place, my resistance to cleaning it, plus my habit of coming home and hiding from any socializing, I’m seeing it as a sign that—I’ve just not wanted to grow up.

I came home from work yesterday, sat down, and soon made a cup of coffee, even though I get up in the early AM. I realized a part of me is trying to be irresponsible.

No fixes or solutions yet, as I’m letting this happen, and looking for internal changes.

However, last night I did take responsibility for something which I’ve avoided. I’m working in cryptocurrencies, and this last weekend one I’ve been eyeing dropped really, really low. I knew it was an ideal time to buy since they will shoot up soon. But…I wouldn’t this weekend. I kept trying to live in some old reality of failure, shame, and regret.

I spent an hour last night purchasing some with a different exchange. No fear. Normally I might have talked myself out of it, and I’ve done that many times. But not last night. Was it the subliminals? Definitely.

I’m feeling really grateful right now.

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#15

I had a first happen today. I have a lazyass coworker in my department—with ego to spare. He’s got alpha traits, which is why I liked working with him…but I got pissed at him today.
In short, he took a 30 minute break with the new employee, and when he came back, I told him it was supposed to be a 15 minute break. His response was “Well excuse me for getting into a conversation.” I told him I’d send him home in a heartbeat, and his ego and anger inflated incredibly then. He’s from the streets, but was in the Army (dishonorably discharged), and thinks all authority is bullshit. So when he blew up I didn’t respond. This asshole was full of his own shit, and his body language showed he wanted to be violent. His constant attitude is anyone who’s in charge is a lazy waste.

Nothing happened after that, but GDammit he’s constantly seeking someone to be on his side. Like a gang leader. He’s never argued alone, as he’s seeking constant confirmation from others that anything he says is true. I nicknamed him Ghetto Guy since he’s street through and through. I’m not, at all. Raised poor, but not gang mentality.

I didn’t ask for help from management today for one reason. Our company has clear consequences if one threatens another person. Termination. I am unsure if this applies, but only one of them I’d ask. The other 2 respond entirely emotional and I wouldn’t tell one of them unless major lines had been crossed. I’d seen my boss walk up one day on one ornery employee and say “Go home for the day”. I am sick of this guy playing his power game, and I spoke up. This was a first.

And while driving home, I wondered if I should share this? I’ve shared a lot in my past hoping, like this guy, someone would be in my corner. Nooooooo, that’s only part of why. I really wanted someone to come take this responsibility away from me.

I grew up with 2 brothers, but only one I was really close to. I let him lead most of my growing up years, and this line of thought I thought of driving home. It reflects on me habitually ignoring or avoiding responsibility, since my brother was my “saviour” so much, as I’d put it all on his plate by me being completely passive.

I’ve learned since then how disempowering it is for myself. I’m not a young boy anymore. I can handle responsibilities, and I feel better doing so.

But I’m running Ascension and Rebirth as I write. That message is in my head. I’m writing so I’ll see and feel different in 90 days, and most likely 180. Both things I wrote in this post will feel different in enough time. Weeks. Maybe days. Will see

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#16

Congrats @subliminalguy , we are proud of your progress and even more of the deep insights you are realizing.

Keep going, and welcome and embrace the best you, the person you want to be and I personally know you are capable of becoming :slight_smile:

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#17

Yeah that is amazing, I’m glad you stood up for yourself!

Read your first posts and this post you just made. Your tone from just 2 days ago and now is incredibly different. Although the problems in your life will remain for a while longer, you are definitely changing and the external and internal will eventually be one and the same.

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#18

I just bought Aura, and put it in my playlist. I have

Rebirth
Ascension
Aura
Ascension
Aura
Ascension

My felt reason for choosing Aura is from a emotional healing subliminal I was on for 3 months. Both good and great days, with very few bad days.

But seriously, I had a woman in her 40’s standing right next to her hubbie/boyfriend, and she gave me eyes which said “I WANT you NOW!” She even followed me into the next aisle. And this was while grocery shopping. I never knew this subliminal to have an aura, but wow. My mom was in the hospital for a procedure, and I took the elevator to get to her floor. I still see it in my mind. It was me and one woman in there. I was comfortable in my own world facing forward, with her standing next to me, but she literally turned her body 90 degrees to face me. I never looked at her (really, this I was unprepared for), and I said something weak when I left.

But aura’s can be powerful in my experience. It’s in my playlist.

I need to add something which became apparent to me yesterday about women. It’s something…that might shift in months coming. I was married 10 years, I’ve been divorced 4 years now, and I’ve had no serious desire nor any relationship at all with any woman. I fap regularly, so I’m not dead. But I’ve even turned down offers to meet women from good coworkers.

What came extremely clear was this: I’ve held a resentment against my mom, and I generalized it to ALL women, as I expected my unconfident, codependent mom to show me how to be a man as I grew up. It never happened. I avoid my mom now as she is just not healthy to be around much at all (she’s an alcoholic). But I realized I still associate women with just not getting my masculine needs met. Resentments climb even thinking about getting close to a woman–for that single reason.

I’m told almost daily by a good black coworker that I need some “dark chocolate” :smirk: His buddy has asked me several times if I wanted to join him in a part of town where hookers roam freely. I laugh with them, but only yesterday did it click as to why I’ve had that door closed in my life. This is me presently.

One day at a time.

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#19

Thank you Amash. Your words are powerful.

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#20

That’s encouraging Alex. I can imagine myself changing just by your words.

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