SubliminalGuy--Ascension and Rebirth Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#21

I noticed something else today. It refers directly to my masculinity.

I felt pissy at Ghetto Guy today, simply because he was pushing his defiance by not doing anything he should have been doing. This lasted an hour or more. But the other department finally snatched him up for something else, so he wasn’t around all day.

Something was different in me, and I noticed it. I was mad at him, though he wasn’t doing anything to make me mad (and miserable). But about mid-day it clicked.

I expected him to show me how to be a man. My expectation (AKA unspoken demands) was that he saddle up and show me, he didn’t, and for that reason ALONE I have held resentment at him. What’s cool is that I’d turned on Ascension on my phone and was playing it most of the day. And why this clicked is I AM receiving masculine messages. I am receiving instruction and guidance on what makes a man…and this was a “win” for me.

I realized this is why I don’t keep good male friends. I’ve always put that unspoken demand on any willing male, that “I need you to fill my void” message. And when old pain and fear from old disappointments come up around males, I’ve withdrawn. Plus, it’s kept me in my shell around most males, thinking I’d be blown off soon.

Well, something is changing. I feel real good right now, listening to my subs currently, but also thinking about tomorrow. I work solo with a good black man I’ve worked real well with on Saturdays. I’ve played a lost kid around him at times. even wishing he would be a father figure. But I am not in the same spot now. I look forward to tomorrow :slight_smile:

I’m feeling I can forgive myself some now.

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#22

Let us know how it goes, tomorrow :slight_smile:

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#23

Will do Amash :slight_smile:

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#24

I have a question for the sub makers. I’ll share what happened today first.

I worked all day with a very smart young man, and one thing we shared about was being honest with oneself. I shared with him today about an emotional detox sub I’d used over a year ago.

On this other subliminal, I got real pissed after a week or so, for I had NO IDEA how much and how often I was lying to myself–and ultimately, to EVERYONE else. Due to this sudden and drastic awareness, I pulled out of my main 12 step groups, and even church, completely. I was in such a habit of lying quickly to anyone and everyone, and I couldn’t do this anymore without telling on myself rather quickly.

I easily saw people more realistically now, and I grieved heavily for a while. Like crying was easy every day. I was saying goodbye to what I thought was “me”.

A great memory at almost 2 months happened in a small 12 step study group. I’d done this study almost 5 times over the years already (more is found each time), but in this one study, I became very honest. It wasn’t challenging at all. I had begun getting annoyed with the “program talk” responses to questions, but once I shared, I did it with ease. No stress. I just shared me, and even one older man was impressed by it. This same man had labelled himself early on as the “great pretender” in life.

I’m wondering if Rebirth or any future stacking sub would shine light on and pull us from our self-dishonesty. That’s my question for the makers. Thanks for your help in this.

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#25

If there is an underlying negative reason for the dishonesty, or it is causing you trouble/limiting you, then it will definitely work on it.

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#26

Thanks Fire. I’ve found Rebirth very easy to use considering I’ve had no major negative feelings rise on it. That gives me rest, for I was anxious when I began here. These subliminals–with Rebirth–are easy.

I did just share with a newcomer how I’d slipped in Emperor into my mix 2 nights ago. I was anxious, seeking some control. Emperor was overkill. “Forcing” solutions…still doesn’t work :slight_smile:

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#27

Main points for today:

I pulled off of the aura. Too much right now.

I’m getting irritable more around others. I’ve lived a lifestyle of people walking on me, and I was sensitive today to people treating me like I was inferior.

I felt my self-dishonesty being worked on today. I first became angry at myself specifically, then sad since I felt that same grief again which I’d experienced on another subliminal. I’m pissed now due to it being worked on.

I felt today, in numerous ways, that I’m being forced out of my role of hiding. A number of uncomfortable things happened for me working today. Like one after the other. Plus I left our work yard with a work truck stuck in soft sand. It’ll need to be pulled out. I’ll have to face this Monday. F***.

The biggest thing of all these is the emotional dishonesty being focused on. I bullshit myself about how I feel a LOT. I don’t see real life since I’ve blocked a lot of truth. I see what I want to see, and the truth is nothing like that. My habit–thinking back to growing up now–was me saying what you wanted to hear, and acting like I thought you needed me to. This is what I became around a needy and demanding mother. Noone was around to challenge her, and (I thought) she didn’t listen to me. So speaking up for myself was never a habit I created.

Lately, I’ve been getting pissed more and more. Not showing it much at all, yet I’m feeling it more and more.

Edit: With all the demands and challenges showing up today, it seems I’m out of the subliminal “honeymoon” period.

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#28

S. I appreciate your progress, and can I give you some small advice?

What you resist persists. If you are angry at yourself, that is putting extra negative emotional charge into the issue, perpetuating it.

The first step to break free of any vicious cycle is to accept yourself, to radically accept where you are now and where you have been, and to totally forgive yourself.

If you are angry at yourself, you are making your subconscious your enemy. That is not a good relationship to have with it. So why would you expect it to support you and help you so much if you are angry rather than kind and accepting.

Of course, accepting does not mean lethargy. You accept and kindly change. Rather than get angry and try to force. I have been on both sides, and compassion for oneself is a much much more healing energy.

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#29

@AMASH, I don’t have good articulation right now, But I’ll write anyways. Thank you for sharing your insight about resisting.

Seriously, this is very different from just being mad at myself. Like part of me wants to go to anger since it can overshadow all other emotion. But that old fallback is just not working well. I’ve kept trying, and it makes me pretty miserable. I’ve been searching for how it felt, and they’re words I’ve never used, or very rarely used. Just a sporadically intense mental and emotional discomfort with what I’m using regularly to protect myself.

I’m being pulled away from me BSing myself each time I feel scared or uncomfortable. This is why when I drop my defenses, a wave of grief might hit me. I shared this last night with 2 friends I see every Saturday, and it felt good admitting it. I’ve shared my subliminal journeys with them over the years.

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#30

I’m doing some reconciliation now, as I’m noticing reticence dealing with women in my life. I have not discovered why or what I’ve feared, but I’m seeing myself going into little-boy mode. I share this for my understanding mostly. I’m running Ascension and Rebirth, and the one plan I can follow through with is staying home today, listening to my playlist all day.

One woman is my trader currently. She told me to contact someone this morning to purchase some cryptos, and I realized I had immediately shifted into “yes man” mode. However, I did NOT want to follow her lead. Why? (I ask myself) Since I think I’ll be disappointed by her. I realize I put this expectation into every female relationship to make me feel more manly. She just messaged me some other instructions, and …I’m drawing away from my present mental role and mindset. I’m tired of being everyone’s “do-boy”. Ascension must be working.

Again, I’m listening all day, hoping to break through something.

The other one is my mom. I’ve been mentally and emotionally distancing myself from her–for my own well being. The catch is it’s almost Christmas. I’ve ignored her for 2 weeks, and I’d begun a habit of visiting her on Sundays, but my main reason was to do laundry. I will do laundry at a laundromat today, for her guilt and manipulation I do not want to hear today.

A strange twist to my Christmas plans is I watched Bill Murray’s “Scrooged” last night with my friends. Do I want to be cruel on Christmas? Not really, as I am the person who sits with those decisions. I’d like to not go all in visiting my mom, but I’m considering taking her out to dinner Christmas day. No strings, no cleanup, less room for my own expectations to re-root again.

I’m listening today, all day. I take this seriously, as it’s healing me and making big changes in my thinking. In fact, lately when I’ve run it, I’ve avoided music a lot more than normal, and any movies. I do want to be inspired though. A movie might be good for me today.

Wow. Just realized I’ve avoided movies completely since I’ve used movies in the past as another “escape from life”.

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#31

A fantastic report and I noticed a lot of realizations and breakthroughs there.

@subliminalguy I remember you said you’ve been a subliminal user for 2 years now. How do you compare your progress now compared to what you’ve done previously? And did you target these problems with subliminals before?

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#32

SubClub’s subs seem to hit my core reasons for why I am where I am, and this…is such a relief. I own like 9 or 10 other subliminals by the previous producer, and about half of those were subs I used to distract myself from this. I was constantly searching for relief. As a hot blooded American, I was constantly groping and wishing for answers to my internal unrest, so I’d try this one, that one, make some progress…but the root is what keeps causing my problems.

That root is me not feeling and thinking I am adequate as a man.

I’d never addressed this masculinity issue with other subs, though I did buy the producer’s alpha male subliminal on sale, like 2 weeks back for only $90. Will I ever use it? I may. I may not. I’m not counting on it. It’s a mandatory 6 month ride, and I’m not up for “mandates” presently.

I’ll give Subliminal Club my highest compliment. They have a half dozen subliminals for sale at extremely affordable prices, and you know what? I have not had the urge to "look at this one, or that one… (since it might distract me from feeling inadequate). I am not completely comfortable right now—but it’s pointing at and correcting my actual problems, and that is priceless to me.

Something may shift, and I may be a crying mess today or tomorrow, but my masculine void is being touched and healed. That’s why I’m here today. It’s working today. Even now. I thank God I was given this gift.

Clarification: I said I wasn’t up for mandates. My reason, now that I think of it, is I expected the producer and other sub users to fill my void for me. Me thinking like that while I wrote made me say internally “F*** off!!”

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#33

@subliminalguy there is a review for Ascension on the sales page that I think you should read if you haven’t already. Here

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#34

Thanks @James. That was a good read.

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#35

It’s amazing to see you grow like this, with all the realizations.

Keep pushing, and soon you will free and become the man you want to be.

SubClub has your back. :slight_smile:

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#36

Thanks Fire. That response choked me up.

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#37

I hope Rebirth hits on this. It makes me mad that I’m still playing this game.

I texted my mom asking if I could take her out for Christmas dinner. She was delighted…and texted me again and again for clarifications as to our plan.

Her last text was not offensive. But I became offended since I realized something I do with (all?) relationships. She simply told me she’d meet me at a certain place at a certain time.

What I realized is I give away my authority constantly. Originally I was making the plans, yet asking her preferences. …and as soon as she stepped up and spoke, I just bowed down (metaphorically), and said “ok. Anything you want I’ll give”. Like a child doing anything for love. Which is how I grew up. F***!

@AMASH, this is what I felt last night sharing about anger rising at my self-dishonesty. I’m mad…not wishing to point it at myself. I usually stuff it, bury the memory, or distract myself in any way that works.

I’m going to go take a long walk now.

1 Like
#38

The only way out of hell is to go in deeper.

Keep going @subliminalguy :slight_smile:

I hope Ascension with Rebirth and the coming Evolution Stacking Module will help you become more and more the man you want to be.

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#39

Thanks @AMASH. Still going at it. Just got back.

Almost immediately after I began walking, tears burst forth. My needed release. And I didn’t hold them back. I was shaking from crying while walking. It happened about 4 times, 2ce since so many kids and their parents are out. I’m in a middle class neighborhood, and extra cars were in many driveways. Families from out of town for Christmas. I heard and saw kids playing about the whole 30 minutes I was out.

Another realization came too. I was a substitute teacher in my county for 10 years, and…it was fun most of the time. 2 young kids were on their bicycles while I was walking, and I quickly remembered how I used to act around kids as a teacher. My biggest joy each day was telling them (if they didn’t know me) that I wasn’t here to punish or scare them. That wasn’t my style. I always let them know I knew what was expected of them, the whole class knew too, and 90% of the time I had no problems. Today, while walking, I noticed me bowing my head to these kids (literally). I’d always “laid down my arms” so I wouldn’t intimidate them, and it worked. That’s likely (no–very, very likely) why I never felt competent enough to just finish the 4 or 5 classes I needed to be a certified teacher. I just felt inadequate, unable to protect myself, and … I felt like a child around other adults.

After I passed these kids, more tears flowed. Me giving away my power had been used here.

I’m just not sure how much longer I’ll be able to do this. Or if I’ll even want to. Damn, I think I may actually be growing up.

And @AMASH, this “hell” feels much easier than the “hell” of hoping men never find out how scared and vulnerable I feel around them… That’s hell to me, and Ascension is a bag of tools to fight with. I’m slinging it over my shoulders and heading into battle. Tomorrow I’ll need it, I’m very sure of that. It’ll feel like shit facing criticism for my goof Saturday, and I’m being rearmed every hour I listen to Ascension. It’s NOTHING that serious, but this sub is requiring I let go of my people pleasing, kiss-ass survival gear. Anger and discomfort will come first, then tears will come when I’m alone. This is change. And this is why I’m using Ascension and Rebirth.

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#40

I can hear the change in your words :slight_smile:
Merry Christmas @subliminalguy
A lot of changes in the 5 days you’ve been using Ascension. It has been 5 days so far, right?

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