I just read your Limitless journal @Tomcat, but did not find any mention of LD.
How much are you listening to it?
What affects are you experiencing?
I paid all my bills this week, so I’ll have to wait until next week to pick it up.
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I am alternating LD with Rebirth. So overall, I am listening to Rebirth twice a day and LD twice a day.
I don’t know what to think of it. Rebirth seems very heavy, it leaves me spaced out for a bit, and LD is lighter compared to that.
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I think it works when you delete a period 
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Sadly, I don’t have much time for journaling. Briefly: LD for me is somehow similar to Rebirth but works “from different perspective”. Less bad thoughts, more optimistic life view in general.
One more thing: I feel that reaching my biggest goals is not something “out of this universe” for now. I think that LD helped with it.
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I felt some fear just thinking about writing this, so that’s why I’m sharing. And part of me says “WTF?”
I read @SaintSovereign’s thread, and he is focused on goals presently. When I read it, I flashed back to recent months of me using a success subliminal with another vendor. There was always the instruction there to focus on one’s goals so your subconscious would manifest them in time. I could name one major goal (or want), and that was for some emotional healing/clearing with subliminals. I’d had success using them, but I KNEW I was hanging on to some major block. I stayed on the subliminal, but I just couldn’t (wouldn’t?) comply. I didn’t speak of it, but I felt both guilty and wrong. Guilt stayed with me since I blamed and punished myself for it by disrespecting myself when I was down. Binging on coffee and sweets to derail benefits I did 3 or 4 days out of the week. (I’ve not had such strong reactions with SC subs).
I was playing a flipping game. I felt unworthy, less than, and frightened of future possibilities, so I survived by putting on a mask and keeping secrets. But…I stayed on the sub waiting for it to find a root. Nothing did happen for my 2+ months on it. I soon realized I was just waiting for the next upgrade to the emotional healing sub.
As I’m writing I’m becoming more emotional. I tried holding it in, but tears came violently, me having to let go of my stranglehold on this.
Why have I been afraid of succeeding? (tears again)
I think…well, I know…it’s because I thought I’d be rejected by my mom, or that I’d reject her. She has lived on government assistance my entire life, always having just enough. Always fearful of financial changes coming. I told her one day, about 3 months back, of a frivolous purchase I was considering since I had extra money, and her immediate reaction was a fear-based shaming which I defended myself on. But I saw her surviving by “control”. I don’t share such things anymore. Because she doesn’t do “fun”. Her control has isolated her.
Her world, and my world too, has been a world of low self esteem, little confidence, and lots of lying to ourselves. Making goals might mean failure. And failing would definitely lead to shame. Shame was the #1 thing I’ve spent my life avoiding–and it was the very reason I took to the other vendor initially. For he made subs focused on eliminating shame and other toxic emotions.
But the very thought and feeling of shame keeps my “hands off” of creating or following most goals. This is the reason I am presently trading and mining vs. following any one of numerous successful businesses that are out there. If I lose money trading, I only lose money. I don’t have to explain or defend myself to clients. I avoid this shame, as when it comes, it just sits on me. It’s heavy. Even suffocating. And debilitating.
@SaintSovereign and @Fire, this is the core of why I use subliminals. I’m trying to heal emotionally.
I’m going to a meeting now. I just need to get out.
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I had a good afternoon, and I noticed two things.
First, I was doing my laundry at a laundromat, and I had Ascension v.2 running in my pocket. Nothing else stacked with it. I picked up the gratitude scripted in it, and I wanted to tell @Fire and @SaintSovereign THANK YOU! I’ve been searching and worrying fearfully about emotional healing… and I just felt good running it all by itself. I was at this same location 2 weeks back when I downloaded v.2 and began listening and felt good about myself this same way.
I’ve been throwing in this, throwing in that, even listening to old competitors subs…and I was sabotaging my success. A little distraction here, a little there…and I was feeling very restless.
I came home and changed my stack. I’m running 4x Ascension v.2 with 1x Rebirth. I might have been overloading on Rebirth, and I’ll see soon. Personally, I can deal with ONE sub. If it works, if it’s simple, I’ll keep running it, and I have in times past with effective subs. Some take all the worry away, and I’m feeling that now.
I was ok in my own skin. While my clothes were drying, I took a long walk, and I was only gone 30 minutes. Walking is stress relief for me, it keeps me feeling young, so it was good to just go.
The other thing I thought of while sitting next to a grandmother in her 50’s babysitting her adorable 2 1/2 year old granddaughter at the laundromat. I spoke with her a while, and something occurred to me. I realized just sitting there that I had a choice to appreciate her or paste all my women resentments on her in my head. What clicked was remembering my mind “seeing” things that weren’t there 2 days ago while driving, and I wondered how much I had created drama with my wife while we were married. My mind “needs” to see things, it appears sometimes, and our relationship was laced with my resentments towards my mom. I’ve felt compassionate and appreciative toward my ex since that awareness, and I texted her when i got home since I’d not thanked her for some Christmas gifts she’d sent me. I’d been wrong to her many, many times, and I’m feeling it, though it’s being overwritten by gratitude. This feels much, much better. THANK YOU!!!
Keeping it simple. I’m going with Ascension for now. This peace makes it all worth it.
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I forgot about the sleep issue with Ascension.
I got to bed around 730 since I’m up at 330. I rested, but I couldn’t sleep. Finally, sometime after 1 I turned off Ascension and looped Limitless all by itself. I slept.
I only use ultrasonic.
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I had one major awareness today, and it changed me and a major work relationship.
First of all, it revolves around GhettoGuy, the peer coworker I work with who I’ve held anger at time and time again. We were working together, and I was looking for some reason to be angry at him for. I was a little tense too, expecting some blowup by me.
I don’t know why, but I was honest with him on 2 separate times in the morning. I first sought him to validate what I was seeing myself and he has vocalized a number of times, which is our dysfunctional company branch. He did, and unplanned, I shared I’d been angry at him a number of times, but I was always hesitant to ask the managers for help. He didn’t say anything about it, so the conversation went on without any explanation sought.
And maybe 20 minutes later, I was thinking on yesterday’s AlAnon meeting. The main emotional sickness in AlAnon is the pain and frustration by a person trying time and time again to change, stop, or alter another’s drinking habit. One person said that expecting people to change is what causes most of her problems.
Realizing GhettoGuy just wasn’t doing what I wanted him to, I stopped what I was doing, walked over to him, brought up my last comment about being angry at him, and shared I’d been angry at him lately since I kept expecting him to change. I admitted it was my fault, not his. I took ownership of my shit. Funny, he mockingly said “What?!! You’re here expecting me to change??!! That WILL make you crazy!!” I told him I’d heard it in AlAnon yesterday, and he had a puzzled look on his face. I told him AlAnon was for families of alcoholics, and he relaxed. I did too. I don’t need to hold grudges at him.
The rest of the day went pretty darn well for me. My defensive guard wasn’t up. It was such a relief to drop my anger…
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I’m really glad to see you making progress in this aspect.
This was a really good post to read and that’s a lesson I need to reflect on in my own life.
Thank you.
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Thanks Alexander. Your comment touched me.
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I’m running Limit Destroyer currently with my stack. I stopped using Rebirth because the anxiety was unreal .
@SaintSovereign suggested I run both LD & Rebirth. I may purchase Rebirth in the near future and give it a go but right now if I purchase anything it will be Primal. I want to run LD , GLM , Emperor V2 , & Primal
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@subliminalguy, you’re a true inspiration. And remember, introspection is made to help us shape and change our actions. So keep being out there, keep discover new things, implementing new things, noticing the changes, and behaving just like the man you envision being. Act like it first, and the subliminals will support you becoming that man, more and more.
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I’ll be picking up LD tonight myself.
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Yeah. I feel a little melancholy now, thinking of what I realized yesterday. It’s still sitting with me.
I worked with GhettoGuy, he was in another area working by himself, and…I was still bothered by him. I was angry, annoyed, unpeaceful.
Then it was like “oh s***!” This awareness came over me.
“If you spot it, you got it”
GhettoGuy was being irresponsible, unreliable, and untrustworthy again, IMO. It was all him, right?! I tried keeping him as the focus. But when I stuck with those feelings, it hit me.
I was being irresponsible in my own life, unreliable and uncommitted to every single relationship in my life, and prone to running away at any moment. I was hating him since I do the very same things. And I was mad. F***!!! I’m 47, thinking like I’m 12. I’m glad I was alone, for I allowed my anger. I had lunch, and I was still mad, constantly trying to make it GhettoGuy’s fault. I even snapped at him when I saw him after lunch. And the only solution I saw in all of this was…to allow it. So I was angry and productive most of the day.
GhettoGuy questioned me when I snapped at him, but I knew he really wasn’t the problem. He didn’t hold a grudge, although I’d imagined numerous confrontations, me getting my ass kicked, and all of it.
He seemed pretty understanding. F***. This made it my problem again! In the late afternoon, I had to use the forklift, which I’d only used 2ce before. A former Army vet was giving me instructions, drill sargeant style, and GhettoGuy actually took time to explain that that’s exactly how he was treated in boot camp. They scare the shit out of you to mirror actual battle situations. He’d gotten used to it, and since I’d had this same Army guy teaching me like this before, I didn’t take it personally. But…GhettoGuy was in my corner… WTF? I was still looking to blame someone, but I found no room for it. None at all.
Maybe I’m wrong in my blaming. I know I am. I’m in brand new territory now. I’m looking for my way.
I’ve used anger to distance people from me.
Gotta leave for work now.
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I think instead of Emperor in the stack I mentioned previously I am going to go with Ascension V2. I have to be comfortable and confident to my core . I have been reading Iron John by Robert Bly. Its given me more than a few insights as to why I have struggled to break free both mentally and emotionally from certain parental and social induced guilt and shame. I have spent far too much of my life worried about upsetting people when the key to joy as Aleister Crowley said is disobedience
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Yeah, Ascension has been shaking me, making me question myself putting up a BS front. I’m definitely telling on myself more, and in my closest relationships, it’s easing the tensions I’ve maintained.
Lately, I’ve been asking myself what is actually true when I look for old norms. In the last 24 hours, I began wondering about my actual maturity around people I’d given power over to. I’m checking myself a lot too regarding my real reasons I’m behaving like I am. Simultaneously, old norms of finding old fallbacks have not felt really good. It’s encouraging me to get out of my own head and seek other viewpoints.
If I were to summarize where I am right now, I’d answer “I’m not sure”. A month back, when I began Ascension, I had some comfortable barriers in my awareness. Those barriers kept me from not feeling unconfident and lowly. I “felt” more secure since I liked what I saw and felt when thinking of my future. Now, my thinking is showing I’m questioning everything about myself, including my goals, choice of mate, and how I relate to people I care about… I also see why I was so angry initially–I was really scared not knowing where I was going next. I felt like a doormat initially too, and I was angry while running Ascension since anger is easy. It defends lies.
In fact, I took a BR break after that last paragraph, and I came back insecure about my last statements. I have an ability to “hide” behind words. When I get too wordy, fear is running me, and I’m seeing it as BS I’m hiding behind.
Have I felt bold? Not lately. I’m finding out what bold actually is. Bold was tied to anger before.
Have I felt challenged? Much moreso this week, in a good way. I’m slowly seeing fruit from those challenges around men. Acting and thinking I’m a small child is not something I enjoy or am proud of. But I know people see the fear in my eyes, and in my hesitations to respond in conversations.
Again, I am seeing the good. Yesterday, while hanging with the Army vet and GhettoGuy after doing some forklift training, I felt a bit more confident about being a man. I saw that they’d both faced tremendous challenges in the military, and would back each other since both understood each other. Me not running away, despite me imagining it, felt good. It made me want to learn more. I felt like I’d stuck with the challenge.
I think I earned a little of my own trust in doing that. Like I could believe in myself.
And BTW, I purchased Limit Destroyer tonight. I’m running it now solo, and am going to run it alone tonight to let it sink in. I’ll stack it tomorrow. I run Ascension all day from my phone in my pocket since it keeps me awake at night.
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I got an old monitor from a coworker, so I’ve got my PC back. I’m running 3x Limit Destroyer and 3x Ascension v.2 currently.
I’ve been facing fear today, and in many days past. I’ve not been having bad days. What I’ve been doing, and have been returning to, are old ways of not caring about myself to sabotage this subliminal experience. I know it’s part of fighting to be unaware and unresponsible for life. I’ve not thought a lot about this, so I am writing now to see and admit to myself some truth.
I could write all my “mad at me” decisions…but this is bullshitting myself by empowering problems. I’ll share what I feel, and look for solutions as I’m writing. I have numerous things on my plate, and some of it is just imagined.
- Using Ascension is making me more prolific in public and at work. It’s allowing me to be comfortable in the limelight at work, and I’d grown accustomed to hiding that the attention is a challenge. People depending on me scares me deeply for some reason. Like it’s safer to detach than to involve myself and be criticized…or fail people. I’ve wanted to hide a lot.
I just remembered my mom still does this exact same thing. There was always a “safety” by hiding and feeling/thinking something was wrong with me. Failing in life…was always easier than facing the challenges. I’ve botched a few major decisions in my life by doing nothing more than imagining bad shit.
My fear is failing people, thus my reason for bitcoin mining and trading. “Get the money, skip the fuckups”. I’m realizing right now I’m more afraid of the labeling I do to myself. I’m doing this, not other people. LD might be surfacing this.
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And that’s my other challenge. I’m being just as assertive pursuing financial avenues. I “just happened” to be chatting with my trader on WhatsApp today, and she mentioned a door that opened today to buy some bitcoin keys for very cheap. I even spoke to the seller on the phone (and I usually fold inside doing business calls). I actually set up the deal with him today.
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I’ve been knowing I’m heading toward more financial autonomy, and I feel like I’m grieving partly since I won’t need a job soon, or that I won’t need the male camaraderie I’ve enjoyed. That is my primary motive for showing up every day. I worked with one of my best allies in my life today, a old southern black man, and it hurts thinking I’ll abandon him and others. I’m unsure how much is a need to be needed, and how much is me caring about losing that relationship. It’s both. It feels good being sought after, and it feels good giving of myself to nurture the relationship. It feels more brotherly.
Having stopped after that last paragraph, I realize I’m behaving in new ways, and…part of me is fighting to keep my old norm. Ascension is raising me up, so much so that I’m considering going to Ascension Mogul next week. Why? I’d love some to seek some more money solutions and opportunities. I’ve been remembering different avenues I’ve looked into these last 6 years, and my mining is primarily aimed at raising capital for different investments. My one question is: will I lose anything off of Ascension by running AM?
Ascension is raising me up. I’ve been trying to just tread water most of my life, and Ascension is…well, I’m not trying to analyze it. I just have lots of old drives being lit up.
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Limit Destroyer update:
I’ve shared I’ve been in fear lately. A lot I’m seeing is new and challenging of my old ways. Last night, after remembering Ascension keeps me awake, I turned on Limitless. I ran 2x Limitless and 2x Limit Destroyer and slept.
Something shifted from running LD. I woke up, laid in bed, and I was very aware that some fear had dissipated. I just let it happen, unwilling to interfere with the process. I felt my fear was being hit from a different direction, so it had no defense.
Thank you @SaintSovereign and @Fire. This is brilliant!
Edit: Even as I’ve been sitting here the last 10 minutes, a desire is growing. That desire is to get out, to not hide here. This is new.
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I succeeded being myself around a woman again. I was doing laundry again, and a black woman around my age came in, put in her stuff, and came and sat down near me. I’ll say that it was me who opened up the conversation, and she talked a lot comfortably.
I’ve been mostly around guys, older and younger, who see women as just sexual releases. But I was thinking of things I’ve seen and read about actually listening to a woman, and she was not a complainer. This relaxed me and kept me involved the whole time she was there. She had a son about my daughter’s age, and it was easy conversation about many topics, even death.
In fact, why I say I was successful was she shared her mother had died 3 months ago, and it was still affecting her strongly. She has rarely had people die in her life, and she was her mom’s caretaker for months before she passed, and it was sudden. I wasn’t bothered at all by the discussion. I felt good by listening and interacting with her since no expectations were in place.
I think Ascension’s aura is kicking in again, for I felt powerful a couple of times today, that discussion included. She even shook my hand when she left. I’ve felt naturally comfortable in leadership roles lately. But I listened since I know it makes me feel good when I receive it. That strange little truth of giving first to receive something has been alive in my actions today 
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