My day sucked. I’m pissed, and repressed a little.
First off, a new trader I brought on f***** my day at the start, as she began lying to me, saying I needed to pay fees to withdraw. I’d heard this BS before, and STOPPED her. It was all a lie where bad brokerages hijack one’s profit demanding more payment to get one’s money. I told her she was lying, then blocked her. I can handle the emotions of a deal gone bad. I would NOT and can not tolerate the obvious lies. The lying pissed me off, not the deal.
Then, GhettoGuy didn’t do anything back at the shop while I was driving the route. I had to return to get some paperwork, and he was talking/blowing off time with the guy I was getting my paperwork from. Upon returning at the end of the day, piles of work stood there. He pissed me off since he laughed condescendingly when I admitted a mistake to the paperwork guy. F*** OFF! I think this spoiled my day since I kept imagining myself being unheard or insulted by him since his tongue does most of his thinking. He’s a lazyass f*** who has NEVER been in my corner. Just a self centered thief in my opinion.
And me imagining battling that a******* actually demotivated me on my job, slowing me down more than usual… When I returned to the shop, I was told very unprofessionally by the main office lady that she’d not have me driving tomorrow. F*** OFF!! I nervously laughed at her teasing me, not speaking up, any at all. I just agreed.
Before I got home, I felt me seeking to slide down that self pity hole. I also remembered me not standing up for myself is what has taken me there. I did some EMDR upon coming home, mostly to calm down. I also made a stand to someone online since he’s been oblivious to my requests on another matter. But my day felt shitty since I didn’t speak up for myself much today.
And that was weird. So many times I’ve whined online, seeking someone else to do only what I can do. It’s NOT comfortable finding my voice. I’ve felt and believed I am weak and “nice”…something smells like bullshit there. I’m nice so I won’t feel the pain of people abandoning me. I’ve feared that ever since my brother left when I was young.
Sitting here, I learned 2 years ago that a parent dismissing a child’s ideas constantly is felt as abandonment. I learned to avoid speaking to my mom to not feel that pain. I’ve sat there, making her feel nervous, since I’d face her, but I would not find my voice. I was protecting myself. That thinking is still in play, by my say-nothingness I did today. And my day isn’t over.
The part that’s getting pissed and is seeking solutions is growing. I have no idea what’ll come out of my mouth. But without a doubt, 90% of my troubles happen, and happened, since I’ve said “mmmm…ok” to things I’ve not wanted. That’s my day so far.
In months and years past, I’d make a purchase, and I’d have 2 motives. The first was “I may miss this!”, so I’d jump. The second reason is something like “we’ll still be on the same page (so I won’t be alone)”. The last one has pushed me many times to jump onto opportunities. But I looked, and I stopped, considering I own Aura and GLM and don’t use either presently; I felt too spread out. My focus while looking was “will I use this? Is this my focus presently?”
Being able to change without such hard work is such a gift. I don’t have to beat myself up, which I have most of my experience in. Nah. I’ll take a kinder road. I’ll do, and am doing, subliminals.