SubliminalGuy--Ascension and Rebirth Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#82

I picked up both Godlike Masculinity and Limitless yesterday. I bumped Aura out again since I’m doing each program 2ce before the next one. I’ve been fearing extra attention from Aura since it means authority, something…I’m not used to.

I’m uncomfortable in my own skin currently. I’m imagining going in to work and blowing off some guys that I put emotional attachments on, expecting them to live for me. For the longest time, I’ve played a quiet, ignorant role in regards to women mostly, and I am not comfortable keeping this in place. I am not dominant or skilled in this area, but why would I want to continue this? I have put all the authority in their hands, and I’m wanting to change that.

GM is stirring me this morning. Everything I listed above, to pointing Ghetto Guy towards the door when he acts mad he had to come to work.

Earlier, when I imagined doing that with Ghetto Guy, I questioned myself. I wondered if that was “me” who is having a problem. Blaming others means I’m fearing responsibility. And in many places of my life, I keep looking back, longingly.

I have to leave for work now. I need to do some things for myself tonight, meaning renewing my EMDR subscription. That helps and heals me in more ways than one. It’s a stress reliever, for sure. And, it’s within reach. It helps make me sane.

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#83

Let us know how it goes today after a night of GM :slight_smile:
And happy new year to you @subliminalguy

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#84

I did sleep on it @amash, and I’m very fearful now. I’m unsure if it’s GM, but I am running it now.

I worked with others today, but I was in my own world a lot. I worked with Ghetto Guy, and I’m in a spot I’ve been before. That spot is saying “HE’s the problem! I’ll focus on him so I won’t see ME!”
I was tense in the morning, realizing I did want to focus on him, and surprisingly, I never copped an attitude with him. What I did notice was I was in a bad mood since I wanted to control him. No wonder I was off. Me realizing that gave me power over me being committed to it or not. I actively chose to trust the outcome, even trust myself some. And what I noticed is the more I let go, the more he talked to me respectfully. That was a nice, safe connection for me. And just yesterday I’d read something spiritual about things positively multiplying when we take our hands off them.

Work wasn’t bad. Something shifted as I came home.

I’ll try to be short here. When I came into my little place, feelings of fear and pain (which are familiar) rose up. I’ve been linking my place with working from home (in my head). It’s been moreso isolating and running from things that scare me.

It took a few minutes, but I realized clearly that the idea of growing up terrified me. I felt like a small boy, around 10 years old. Like I was wanting and waiting for (my big brother) to save me from this fear. But he’s not there for me anymore.

I’m running GM right now, I’ve been planning on signing up for more EMDR today, and last night I looked up TDCS which @dorfmeister had posted about. I just needed some relief. My plan of attack for today:

–make a playlist of only Ascension, Rebirth, and GM to run for the next 48 hours. 2, 2, and 2.
–sign up for more EMDR and do some today. I’ll need to contact my ex saying I’ll give her child support less $100 since I’ll need that for the subscription. Will give the $100 next week.
–will write the company I’ve eyed for TDCS. I’ll use it for anxiety reduction mainly, but that purchase won’t be until next week anyway.

The connection to growing up is somewhat uncertain…maybe I think no help will exist for me if I grow up. Or that grownups “shouldn’t” ask for help. That would suck. Something is connected to that line of thought.

Edit: My ex was completely ok with my request.

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#85

Happy new year to you @subliminalguy and I wish you a truly life-changing and mind-shifting 2019. You’ve been through a lot, it’s really heroic to do all you can to claw yourself out of that deep place, and not give up like many people would do.

The reluctance to growing up, do you think it might have been caused by something that happened in your younger years? Maybe an influence of the relationship you had with your parents? Or it may be something that happened spontaneously, and the cause is not very clear?

I can see and feel the depth and growth and maturity seeping through your words more and more. I know, sometimes, other people notice the change in us before we notice it in ourselves. So I am happy for a day where you’ll have a “breakthrough” that others have already noticed in your way way before.

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#86

Yes. I think of Bob Earle’s words in this. He said he had relatives who went travelling and never came back. “Uncle Dick went to Toledo. He didn’t come home.” As a child he thought, “I’ll NEVER go to Toledo!!”

My mother did not ask for help when she needed it, which was daily. She PLEADED, BEGGED, CRIED, and SOBBED for it. Each and EVERY time.

Like Bob Earle, I saw my mother and thought “why the f*** would I want that? Keep that! Sounds like HELL!” She still uses the exact same tools when asking for help in almost anything. A full-time victim mentality.

Living like that is hell. And that’s what I thought adults did to other adults.

But running from growing up creates its own hell.

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#87

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t :point_up:

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#88

Another Bob Earle line: “My healing happens in unfamiliar pain”.

I never made it to the Christmas Alcothon. I was terrified I’d be surrounded and forced into submission…And other bullshit thoughts, never being true at all.

I need a meeting. I find I’m not alone, but more valuable is the realizations that my supposed truths often come from a lack of information. I’m going now.

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#89

Happy New Year everyone!

I went to the meeting last night. The topic was on self pity, which was exactly what I was dealing with, and I purposely didn’t come back here to whine. I’ve been realizing I’m trying to recreate some system I’ve been used to, which is me feeling helpless, and “needing” help. It’s manipulation… That’s an old fallback of mine, how I’ve gathered help when I really could handle the situation.

I’ll recall some solutions for self pity I heard last night, which are extremely doable.

–Get busy. Do something I’ve been avoiding…like cleaning. Washing my dishes will help me mentally.
–Seek to help others. Maybe 5 minutes, an hour, anything. It may be a homeless person, it may be an old lady at Walmart. Get out of my own head for a while.
–Find 2 good things out of every one bad thing. This is a beautiful practice, as I did this on another subliminal. The habit of thinking positively is exciting since it’s social training to name the bad. Focusing on the good is much more life-giving in my experience. It was fun since being around other’s outbursts and projections made this a full-time job! :slight_smile: It was joyful being “different” around other people’s negativity.

I’ll share. I put on Emperor an hour ago since I was drifting into old territory mentally. Maybe fear was making noise. Or…I was seeking another “rush”. …and… I just realized my truth.

When I’m in new territory, I have reason to not take responsibility. Because it’s new and foreign. “I don’t know what to do so doing nothing is acceptable”. I’ll turn Emperor off and put my playlist back on.

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#90

I have asked for this to be included in Primal, and I am pretty sure it is! Primal really helps a lot with positivity.

Hopefully, someday, that module (called Sanguine) is released as a standalone stacking module.

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#91

Yeah, that positivity module was included in an emotional healing subliminal, and it was life-saving. To walk away from my own gloomy mindset was…such a shift, and I LOVED it. I had some good feedback from other coworkers.

And tying taking responsibility with this, I corrected Ghetto Guy one day for his chronic negative attitude. It pissed him off, but something felt wrong in me. When I just took a minute of so…I admitted I had been in such a habit of calling out the bad in things, and his negativity was what triggered my own. I had reacted to him only since I was trying to tame my own. Taking responsibility is SO much easier when there’s an internal payoff. I’d found the good in my own outburst, admitted it to him, and took out blaming him for it. It was my problem, but this positivity training made it incredibly easier to handle.

I know @SaintSovereign said he had a number of finished stacking modules he wanted to release, but he’d been caught up in office responsibilities. I’d love to see Sanguine :slight_smile:

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#92

Honestly, you are awesome @subliminalguy, so much awareness, maturity and growth in such a short period of time. And cheers to you taking responsibility!

Maybe we can ask @Fire to include SANGUINE in Ascension 2.0 :wink:

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#93

Check! Will do :smile:

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#94

Btw, to be fair, all Subliminal Club products have a positivity module in them.

I just asked for Sanguine specifically because that was not strong enough for me. To SANGUINE is a supercharged positivity module that keeps you positive and optimistic no matter how tough life gets or how hard your situation is. It is in Primal, and it makes a HUGE difference.

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#98

Gentlemen, be cordial. I have removed the last few posts because of vulgarity. The path of self-development is rough – and I know, I’ve been there. Before I discovered subliminals, I was at rock bottom. I had no money, no friends, no future, especially since I considered offing myself multiple times.

Here we are, a few years later and I have an excellent, high-paying job where I’m respected by all my peers as an expert. I’m in the best financial and physical shape ever. I have a thriving business that I love, and an amazing business partner and friend. But the path to this point was rocky, and there were many people wanting to give me advice, pretending like they had the sole solution to everything, when in actuality, doing the opposite of what they said got me much further.

That being said, as I read over this thread, I don’t get that impression from @Liquidfire. His advice, for the most part, seemed genuine. On the flipside, I completely understand where @subliminalguy is coming from. After years of following bad advice, having my life decisions criticized, and then having those same naysayers completely vanish when I hit rock bottom because of their crap, I’m also a bit skeptical of advice.

Liquid, if @subliminalguy isn’t necessarily receptive to your advice right now, it’s because he’s not at a point where it’s really helpful to him. There’s a time in everyone’s self-development where you have to just see and do things on your own. On the other hand, not all advice right now is bad, @subliminalguy.

Let’s just all respect each other’s journeys. Help when help is asked for. Offer, but if it’s refused, don’t pursue. Let’s not devolve into mudslinging and the such.

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#99

Thanks for your imput Saint. I have been defensive a lot to people giving (or me even imagining them giving) advice. I also knew this defensiveness wouldn’t last forever. But where I stand now, vs. days and years back, it feels empowering standing up for myself and sharing my thoughts on something. Before I’d just cower, even if I knew it was just sugar coated BS.

In fact, I just came from doing my laundry, and when I arrived there, I felt me fighting something. What I soon realized is the self validation was kicking in, and I was having urges to start pulling back from my forum writing, as I felt I was and am seeking validation constantly (“ooooo, am I ok? Am I worthy to be called a man? Tell me! Tell me!”) If it’s of any importance, I’d began looping Ex Machina today, I sought to see some motivation in me, and I did feel different. I found myself slightly annoyed by others.

And while doing laundry, I saw the announcement that v.2 was out, so I downloaded it onto my phone and began listening. It is much smoother, like it felt good to take it in. I soon felt more confident, and not needing other people’s validation. Yet it was without stress or defensiveness. It wasn’t a full-on IDGAF mode. I just felt more whole in myself, like I was enough and had enough.

That’s a good feeling, so thank you for making v.2.

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#100

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#101

I don’t know why it’s really been on my mind, but it has. A few days ago at work, while talking to a coworker about investors and investing ideas, I began to see myself doing one thing which would be stable despite the nation’s economic chaos which we are teetering on presently. I’ve been talking with my trader about this, and she was surprised I wanted to do this. I have been thinking longer term with my present choices and potential plans.

I’m not even running a mogul sub, and I’ve been thinking about it all day. Then another trader I contacted about another deal replied to me today, and I’ll be starting with her tomorrow. The profit from this trading is my open door to my main deal above.

The only issue I’ve lingered on is…wondering how I’d feel working from home, not having daily relationships with men I know. That’s my only hesitation currently.

I’ve had v.2 running in my shirt pocket all day.

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#102

Lots of little BIG changes are happening, when I look back.

I’ve not been obsessed with writing every day. More specifically, this reflects on the self-validation which is happening. I’ve written in numerous forums for years, and my need was always “am I still lovable today?” I was demanding of people’s attention.

Not that I’m so obsessed with myself now, the polar opposite. There are still insecurities when I focus there, but Ascension is doing something big in me.

I’ve also invested with the 2nd trader I spoke of in an earlier post. And a 3rd one contacted me yesterday, I heard her out, and upon payout with the 2nd trader, I’ll test the 3rd. This is new that I’ve moving forward without tripping myself constantly. But my eyes are very open to major financial moves…this is amazing, speaking of having a mind moving forward. It’s not stupid thinking, it’s just seeing possibilities in front of me, keeping my eyes wide open, and taking the chance.

And one big thing I’ll share is my understanding of subliminal growth. I’ve done some major subs with another vendor, and 2 I did for 3 months or longer. I’ve only been on Ascension 2 weeks, and so much has changed. I have had those immature thoughts like “why aren’t I seeing …(name it)?”

I read someone’s journal here where some major changes didn’t manifest until 2 months, and my experience with other subs mirrors that as well. At 2 months, doors opened and major life shifts began happening. At 3, the wind was blowing and the sails were wide open, making the most of the power coming through. I’m thinking, seriously, that 6 months would be most profitable, and for alpha subs, that can be completely life changing.

I’ll include a note on the 90 day mark. Since I was in 12 step recovery so long, the 2 guys I visit every weekend are still active in their respective groups. About a month ago, I told one (who is my old sponsor) about the 90 day minimum suggested for a subliminal to affect people. He looked up at me, wide-eyed, and reminded me of something. In most 12 step groups, 90 days, 180, and year marks means one stuck with it, for at these times, major life changes have happened. It’s a goal, and a rewarding one. Most people I know still know their anniversary dates, for it means they stuck with it, and it raises confidence in themselves.

I do like what I’m experiencing currently. No feel good moments left and right. I just feel steady. I’ve been keeping my phone on at work, so I’m getting a lot of exposure alongside having it on all night at home.

I thought I’d drop this note. Off to work now.

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#103

You’re cool @subliminalguy

If there is someone who deserves to become the person they want to be, and overcome all his challenges, it is you :slight_smile:

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#104

Thank you so much @AMASH. Your encouragement is unreplacable.

I have been moving ahead, doing ok…and I’m still …(I’m smiling now)…feeling responsible for everyone else’s feelings. I was trained this way. This new “normal” goes against my old ways, which is not bad in any real way. It’s true change.

I’ll be specific to my relating here. I’ve been making some big moves, mostly financially, and I’ve had 2 opposing desires in my mind and heart. Were I to follow the old one, I’d come here, wallow in weakness, and act or play helpless. It’s not too inspiring, but I’ve seen and used that model hundreds of times for many years. This was me. It was the dependence on someone else always rescuing me emotionally, as I’d come here or elsewhere seeking handouts. But a new way of thinking has emerged and is winning out. This mindset does not need validation by others, does not want me to play small and powerless, and does not wish to stay in old roles in any way. It’s refusing me to come here for that. This is a new side of “me”.

I still have insecurity arise. I took a bathroom break after that last paragraph, thought of stuff I need to do today, and part of me (not all of me–nothing even similar) wished to come here, avoid it for a while, and seek comfort by old ways. A part of me even feels some sadness since this old me was me for so long. However, this change in mindset has not been difficult in any major way. It’s like the old me I am seeing, and he’s not someone to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. The old ways are just that–they’re old and non-productive. I rarely focus on old ways, and this is NICE.

I’d like to offer my appreciation to the whole SubClub staff for making these subs effective AND affordable.

Last night I played our money game with my 2 buddies. I spoke to one, who’s had a financial freedom dream for a couple of years. He tends to make things difficult in business (trying to make everyone happy), and he’s been eyeing me lately due to increased confidence and growth over the last year. 3 months back I’d told him about a competitor’s alpha sub which I was eyeing myself, but even the $500 price tag seemed non-sensible to me. Last night I shared I was on this one here, and I told him the price. His only hesitation was fearing not being loving to his wife, thinking he might be an a**hole to her, though he avoids her mostly anyway. I shared about the irritability I experienced on Ascension, and I knew it might come. He relaxed when I let him know it passes. We are all rough around the edges in new endeavors. He’s been losing a lot of confidence lately since his wife is always criticizing him for anything at all. It’s just been wearing on him, so I mentioned Ascension. And I stopped writing here just now and texted him about the free version since money is always a tense issue between them.

Just the same, last night I easily blew through our game. He was behind, a repeat of last week, as he’s not been as assertive or confident playing lately. I didn’t “win”, but only since we stopped at 7, our normal cutoff time. But I took on big moves, which seemed “normal” to me. Thus, I made headway in record time for me.

I will share this lastly. Ascension is said to help one’s focus on one’s life purpose. Lately, I’ve been drawing TO my higher power, and not away from him, for He’s a big part of me. What’s new and life-giving for me is the new independence I’m experiencing, and simultaneously, that having a spiritual connection is important for me in business. My old thoughts were business and spirituality were mutually exclusive. But I can’t divorce who I am from business. I’m not a preacher, but values are essential to me, and are essential to business as well. I can move forward this way, and I am.

Thank you SubClub :wink:

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