I’m listening to a Bob Earle recording at home. He was an AA longtimer who came from a really abusive family. He said something which is very wise.
“My healing happens in unfamiliar pain.”
He also said “know what happens when I accept things which I have the power to change? I give away a piece of me”.
That last statement sticks with me, for it ties to the first statement. Today I shared with a very reflective coworker that I have not been taking responsibility for myself. I’ve been “ok” (meaning scared, not knowing what to do) but I feel like I’m hiding, or wanting to hide, from myself. From my own reality. From things which scare me.
Me and this coworker talked about a lot of major life issues, and one of them was helping others, homeless people, specifically. We shared different experiences, and I confessed something vey real for me.
It was about 2 months back, I was on another subliminal, and I’d made a decision that day to give of myself. Like I just said “I’ll put myself out there today and see what happens”. I did, and I was struck deep emotionally in 3 separate acts of giving right after work. The last was a homeless guy near Walmart. I had $5 in my pocket, and I normally don’t carry cash. I was on my scooter, drove up to him, and pulled the money out. I was soft already, and I almost broke out in tears when I gave it. I did cry as soon as I drove away.
But what I shared with this coworker was another man was in this same spot during Christmas. I’d intentionally avoided him. I was afraid of opening my heart up again. I’d cried a lot that afternoon 2 months back, and was afraid of giving myself away at Christmas. I’ve thought if I shared my heart…I’d give myself and my decisions over to someone or anyone else. All or nothing thinking, with no boundaries. I greatly feared abandoning myself. (I just shared that I feared opening up my heart again). I was also brand new to Ascension, rewiring old unhealthy (but emotionally comfortable) habits and thinking.
Thought I’d share that. I’m kind of sad now connecting the dots…some things are sticking today. Even though I’ve wanted/not wanted/wanted…to run from this.
Today was an very active day, mentally.