Subliminal Changes

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#181

After reading my last post a few times, I realized that that’s exactly what I’ve avoided dealing with all my adult life. I was in counseling for years, therapy for a short while, and in 12 step groups for over 20 years.

And avoiding love from people, and from myself, is what I was actually dancing around. I just wouldn’t allow love in.

My most memorable time in all those years was when I cried my eyes out in a men’s retreat. I felt all my feelings and puked them heavily in tears. Love was all I ever needed.

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#182

Day 45

This has been pushing through all night. I woke up and asked God for help since l… feel powerless over the force coming through my emotions. I feel it in my throat. I’m remembering when tears came out of me years back on dragon reborn stage 1.

This is Love Bomb pushing through. This is what I’ve been holding back all these years. I’m actually remembering 6th grade, cuz I swallowed it all. I was in band class, and music stirs my soul. I remember clenching my throat. That clenching, that holding back, that swallowing… Is why I’ve been in pain for 40 plus years.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen. But I sense something big is going to happen.

I’m freaking tired of holding everything back.

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#183

No emotional outbursts from Phoenix happened today, good or bad.

It’s my listening night for my remade Phoenix/LB custom with full name embed, but I’m hesitating about listening. It hit different on my first listen. I know it’s still processing…so I’ll wait until tomorrow. No pain, no overlistening stress. it’s just processing, and I’ll let it.

I think it’s overwriting my old template of fighting and fearing love. I was slightly less reactive this morning, unlike my normal nervous smiling and laughing. In fact, i was aware of me caring less about everyone’s approval. Not “IDGAF!”. More like “No. I don’t want to play games today which hurt me”. No battling. Which was strange. I was more focused on the contentment I was feeling.

I’ll listen to Ascension tomorrow morning, and Phoenix tomorrow night.

------And as I sat here, I re-felt what I’m sensing: it’s like parts of my brain are waking up. Thoughts and feelings I’ve spent a ton of personal energy suppressing…are flickering.

This is Love Bomb.

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#184

I’m gonna ask for help here.

In short, I see myself in someone else’s actions, and it bothers me because …because I’ve been doing it a long, long time. I’m wishing to do differently.

This person is said to be disconnected from others, but he constantly talked about himself.

Now, me. For whatever reason (there are millions), I’ve felt unworthy of people’s love, so I geared up and went around people—hiding (from myself) my walls and barriers. I hoped that I wouldn’t see these barriers. I was purposely in denial.

But this guy had egg on his face recently–because he wasn’t listening to others. Looking at myself, I think “it’s nice when noone notices my facades or tells me how they’re hurting me”.

I really don’t think anyone else can change my thought process. But being made aware of the similarities makes me want to ask for help…ask for forgiveness…ask “Am I acceptable?”

DAMN…I see what’s happening.

I’m trying to make peace with myself.
I’ve been dodging myself for ages, and this awareness is me trying to get my own attention

Me constantly avoiding myself is why I’m uncomfortable. Can I do this?

That’s my struggle right now. Love Bomb is moving quickly.

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#185

Day 46

This is so unusual for me. I woke up seeing how love bomb is making changes in my decisions. I feel like it’s allowing me to win in even the small decisions, the very ones I normally lose in.

For example, right when I came to write I began getting in my way. I was looking for my mask. That’s what I normally do. But something stopped me. It wasn’t fear. It was clear correction. Easy to listen to. So I waited. Seconds later it passed so I began writing.

And I feel some genuine grief underneath after that happening. Damn. This is really really moving. I only feel grief when my thoughts are changing and I’m letting something go that I’ve used to survive. That’s exactly what is happening.

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#186

One of the things Reforged had me reflecting on recently is:

  • If I love others
  • And I love myself

Then there would be no inclination to worry about what other people think about me. Because not only am I not viewing them in an antagonistic manner, when you relate to people with love, you realize they have their own insecurities, negative thoughts, etc. There’s actually a sort of selfishness and egocentricism to constantly thinking about what people think about me and only me.

Malkuth had a related post the other day:

I think this also ties into how Love Bomb and Love Bomb for Humanity relate to each other as titles.

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#187

Thanks @Constantine. I’ll reply to your post in a moment.

I’m sharing that I did my Phoenix custom maybe 90 minutes ago (1 minute loop)…and just like my first listen, I’m imagining things I don’t think I’ve ever considered.

Specifically, I’ve got Aphrodite in this version. Sexual traumas? Inhibitions? “Yeah yeah”, I say. “They don’t affect me that much”.

I think I’m wrong. Why? Because my mind has been relaxing and allowing imaginations of me feeling…like really…feeling ok with women. Out and about around others. One on one. Like I’m with them. Truly with them. All of me. And I don’t believe I’ve ever felt that.

I’ve had an invisible wall up around women where I wouldn’t get close. I just know I don’t allow them in. I’ve never understood why, or even tried to imagine. There’s been such a wall I’ve had up to physical contact with women. I’ve not dated since my divorce in 2014, and I really never dated before then.

But something is working with Aphrodite mixed with LB and Phoenix.

I didn’t share these little (BIG) awarenesses I had on my first listen. Why? I was afraid I’d dismiss them or interfere with it—because it felt like my mind excitedly “woke up” suddenly.

I am going to leave this here. For me, this is INCREDIBLE!!!

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#188

@Constantine,

I agree with your thinking. You are correct about needing to love myself.

…and I realized something KEY when I just wrote that… I’ve always had “love” in a …ssfe box. Outside of myself…only in my mind. Where it wouldn’t hit…my heart.

And that’s why I wrote what I wrote originally. i was quickly feeling my own distancing from love—and in fear of awareness, I projected my issues on the person I wrote about. I was upset since HE reminded me…looked like…acted like…ME. Originally, I wanted to blame HIM.

And suddenly, I saw the truth.

I owned it in that post. I realized “This isn’t about him. This is about me”.

And that’s why this updated version (full name embed) is so powerful. Love Bomb is doing a lot of movement. My post was a “holy s^^^!” moment. I just didn’t see it at first. LB brought me in line.

I’ve been focusing on others loving me…most of my life. I’m actually loving myself more lately. I’m still walking through it. Allowing others to love me too. Like accepting a bottle of water from a customer today–I could have hand-waved it away. But I felt it in my heart to allow it. It felt good.

Little things. But meaningful things. Life is beautiful.

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#189

Day 47
Off day 1 of 2

Low key recon. I found myself looking for old mental hideouts today. And I realized it.

I found I couldn’t push away pain. I only identified it as recon when the choices were clear.

  1. Hide in some fantasy, or
  2. Face it

I wasn’t being successful in hiding from it, so I resolved to feel what I was afraid of. No mental monsters emerged so I just sat with it.

My mind did try to sneak off to another fantasy, and that was painful. I doubted myself, feeling disconnected from known norms. And that pain is what I had to face. I wondered about reality. I wondered if I’d ever have the tools I needed to handle life.

It’s strange. Facing what I was afraid of… made the pain go away. Since that time just hours ago, I feel authentic. Unafraid of big ‘unknowns’.

I don’t want to pretend.

I’ve seen users here over the years clamoring about the value they find in recon. How they welcome it. That’s never fully made sense to me.

But this recon shook something in my foundation. I remember feeling like this on the original DR. I felt STABLE. Not moved so easily by distractions around me.

I’m actually open to doing this again.

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#190

Day 49

I don’t think I’m worthy of love.

I was at work yesterday, wrestling with these feelings. I imagined writing, knowing it helps me see and feel clearly. I finally began after lunch. I wrote 3 sentences, and deleted it. I was whining. That’s what I told myself anyway. I didn’t try again.

Last night I did my Phoenix loop. I did 1.5 minutes, unsure of affect. I knew it’d probably be morning before I knew what was happening.

I woke up this morning… afraid of being loved. I prayed to God about this, knowing he could do something. And when I approached Him, I realized that I was deflecting love away from myself. I see myself standing there, avoiding eye contact, smiling nervously, saying “Not me! No! Not me!” Scared of being loved, constantly trying to hide from knowing or feeling that truth

That’s what I do at work. That’s what I do here.

That’s what I do around everybody.

And that’s what I’m constantly trying to hide from every time I share here. Every sentence takes about 20-30 seconds to write, cuz I’m dancing and dodging this feeling.

Solutions? The only known thing that addresses worthiness directly is Heartsong. I’m not jumping.

While writing that, I knew that I was avoiding the feeling by chasing a solution. I just need to sit with this.

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#191

Attuned might be good. When I ran love bomb in the past it was like “love yourself!” And I was like “no”. And then it made me feel like even more crap because I couldn’t just accept love. Which ironically made me hate myself more.

I might be wrong but I genuinely think directly cultivating love is not possible for some people. Love is a relationship with yourself too. And that means not being selfish with desires to remain small and disconnected. If your relationship skills are kinda botched from upbringing or life events the work needs to go into building that skill and trust within yourself for yourself too.

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#192

Thanks @Fractal_Explorer.

I didn’t expect any responses, honestly.

But you sound like you understand. Thank you for speaking up.

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#193

I’ve never thought that myself. I just think traumas warped beliefs that I was lovable.

To clarify my point, I see myself as a young child when I’m feeling like this. Yes. I see myself as a very young child, like he’s been bad. That’s where I’ve been stuck for a long time.

That’s why I chose phoenix. Because it’s been kicking my ass for a long time and I’d like to kick its ass now.

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#194

But yes, Attuned is what I was thinking myself. I’ll check with qos

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