Soul Search - My first diary ever

[SoulFire]

I’m finally getting back enough energy and motivation to practicing some of my daily physical exercises and self care routines that I had completely stopped for what felt a very long 5 days , but the inner heaviness, sort of like depression, a deep existential weight, is still present.

I read this today and have no other avenue than to hang on to this concept for now, it’s been the hardest week of the year so far, this is a time in my ‘healing journey/destiny’ where I get to face one more layer of long buried junk, ever deeper and ever more painful, I hope I get to touch the ground eventually, this is getting tiresome and confusing, I’m looking forward to at least the next plateau of clarity.

@Jouissance

The day is darkest before the dawn.

[SoulFire]

Yesterday: 7min GLM and 5min LB.

First day of work in two weeks, I felt like a zombie, I’ve done this job for 6 years now so it’s so automatic that I felt a strong sense of disconnection going through the same movements and same grind, it was like I was watching the same old movie going in front of my eyes, I never experienced “boredom” in such a strong way, but it still felt good to be out in the fresh autumn air cycling.

30sec Sanguine before bed, it helps with sleep.

I just woke up and I feel so at peace and well rested, a colleague offered a morning shift yesterday so I’m going to work soon, looking forward to it.

[SoulFire]

Because of the shorter loops yesterday I can already feel a switch in me where subliminals are starting to execute/bloom, I think I will take a 5 day washout now, this cycle has been over 3 weeks and lots of exposure so it’s time.

[SoulFire]

My sub use has been so unfocused this cycle I was curious what it was so I went through my journal and wrote it all down, it’s excluding 30sec loops of Sanguine before bed to try to better sleep on some of the days.

Sub exposure by degree of influence

Phoenix 9 loops
LB/LBFH many short loops throughout cycle
Godlike Masculinity 4 loops
Paragon 3 loops
Elixir 2 loops
Daredevil 2 short loops

Messy listening cycle I wish not to replicate in the future

Phoenix 15min
LBFh 15min

no day off

Phoenix 8min
LB 1min 
LBFH 1min

2 days off

Phoenix 5min
Paragon 15min
LB 1min
LBFH 1min
Primal 3min
BDLM 3min
AC 7min

1 day off

Phoenix 15min
Paragon 15min

no day off

LB 1min
LBFH 1min

no day off

Phoenix 15min
Elixir 15min

2 days off

Phoenix 15min
Godlike Masculinity 5min
Elixir 15min

1 day off

Paragon 15min
LB 1min

1 day off

Phoenix 15min
Elixir 15min

no day off

Godlike Masculinity 15min
Daredevil 1min 
LB 1min

no day off

Sanguine 1min
Elixir 30sec
LB 30sec
LBFH 30sec
Daredevil 5min

2 days off

Phoenix 15min
LBFH 5min

1 day off

Phoenix 5min
Godlike Masculinity 5min
LB 30sec
Sanguine 30sec
LBFH 30sec

1 day off

Godlike Masculinity 7min
LB 5min

[SoulFire]

3rd day of washout, my energy is getting more stable, I went way too hard last cycle, I have decided to run only one sub this next cycle.

I’m also excited I finally found a way to make a sub playlist with custom loop times that I can let run through on its own without having to check time length and start manually the next sub, so I can be fully dedicated to the listening session and diving deep into relaxation to absorb the sub input.

It will be a test for another cycle anyway since I will likely run full loop of one sub next cycle.

[Parsifal]

@SoulFire

I’m also excited I finally found a way to make a sub playlist with custom loop times that I can let run through on its own without having to check time length and start manually the next sub

Wanna share your method?

[SoulFire]

@Lichtenauer

Media players with inbuilt timer?

Hey @JAnon , I’m happy to say I found a way to do exactly that without much hassle with VLC Media Player. I made a few screenshots showing what to do, which leaves you with a file in the .xspf format that is a playlist containing only one track that is saved with your preferred end time, you can also add 2 tracks to the one playlist using the same setting if you decide to play each track the same amount of time. Repeat the procedure for another subliminal track to save it as another playlist a…

[SoulFire]

@SoulFire

I have decided to run only one sub this next cycle.

Ah what a honest dream, unfortunately reality has its own rules.

Don’t ask me to explain because I myself am not trying to understand my choices anymore, I’m just going to let it flow and embrace the currents of experiences coming my way.

I liked the idea of experimenting with BDLM as only sub to be able to offer a clear example of results one can expect with it but things are flowing in a different direction now.

I will keep going with BDLM because I love what it does beyond the main objective, it is healing my masculinity in interesting ways, because the big dick energy is very grounding and helps with confidence, at deeper animalistic brain levels it is a foundational part of sense of masculinity and worth so it is healing and reaching deeper aspects of my psyche, it is amazing how ZP subs can heal us, even the most unexpected ones can have incredible ramifications in our psyche, I truly understand now what @Sub.Zero means when he said that WB is a ‘spiritual’ title and very healing.

I will be stacking with 2 new subs I just purchased, one of them is a recommendation from @SaintSovereign from last year when I started the BDLM journal, I decided to pull the trigger on it since it’s a lightweight sub and it seems like a lot of fun, which is something I feel the need for very much with this fast approaching dark and freezing winter.

Revelation of the Nectar Within

I ran a 7min loop 2 days ago and as strange as it might sound, I can say this title coupled with BDLM has given me one of the most powerful spiritual experience of all subs so far, after a little recon for a couple hours, my sexual energy in its feminine essence became unlocked, something in me snapped open and I could feel this radiating sexual energy in the form of pure pleasure/bliss without end, and it reminded me of who I truly am, this is an aspect of myself that I have been seeking to reawaken for so long, the pure pleasure of being alive, an act of love with life at every moment, truly felt as if one is having sex with every breath, and being able to then experience life and reframe it all with that feeling as a basis for making choices in my experience.

The third sub I purchased today and listened to a 5min loop: Heartsong

I’ve been eyeing Wanted Black so hard but I don’t think it’s really me, even though the potential for healing seems powerful, I might still consider it later, but for my immediate circumstances and the way my self unfoldment is happening right now, Heartsong seems very aligned and BDLM/RotNW combo already hits hard the sexual areas.

I met 2 girls that I feel attracted to, personality wise they are exquisite, one is free and one has a boyfriend, but I consider both potential partners, we had an evening together a few days ago and we vibe very good together, so I’m hoping Heartsong can help assist me in improving further my wisdom when it comes to my choices in love and relationships and help me balance myself out around all this and give me the best chance to navigate all of it with clarity of heart and to not let fear dictate my choices in embarking in new potential relationships whether it be just good friends or more.

Let this new journey begin.

[SoulFire]

Heartsong is a very powerful sub!

I’m melting on the inside, vulnerability is like a rocket ship that took off the ground and is sending me on a mind blowing journey to the gardens of my own heart where my long forgotten sweet dreams, childhood hopes and drives are waving at me with excitement so they can be remembered and like flowers waiting to be watered and blossom in the sun of universal love or little children eagerly waiting to play and discover new exciting games, I can unite once more with the beauty that I have always been, with a sense of total freedom in the realization that everything I perceive is my own choice, that the experience I am having at every moment only means what I want it to mean, I am responsible for what I project in my life and how I project my own imagination onto everything.

The recon on this is very intense in both ways, I felt a lot of resistance for the first few hours and felt emotionally very sensitive, then it switched to waves after waves of pure delight and tons of flashes of memories that I describe poetically the paragraph above, it’s like my heart is spilling the beans and talking to my mind and sharing everything beautiful that it holds and overwhelming my ego with it.

It’s like a heart surgery from the inside, it’s basically taking off the thick metal grid that is holding my heart separate from the rest of myself and now it can communicate with the rest of my being and reminding me how good I am and how good this life really is and how free I truly am to enjoy what I really want to in this life.

This is from my first loop of this sub, from the intensity and depths of this experience I deduct this is gonna assist with deep emotional healing in the most beautiful way possible.

This sub is underrated, if you think love bomb is good for self love and healing, then you’re in for a treat with Heartsong, imagine being plunged back in your mother’s womb, or the warmest coziest place you can imagine, it’s like coming back home and opening my eyes for the first time again, the sun is shining bright outside and I’m remembering this is a fun experience and was never meant to be this confusing mess of uncertainty, because I am the one making the journey and not the other way around.

I’m gonna need to take it easy with this sub, I feel the fears and existential dread, my ego self, the grumpy one who acts and goes through life without its decisions infused with loving intentions and best wisest most fun and harmonious choices, he wants to be love but is afraid of swimming in it, I swear this sub is unparalleled when it comes to awakening your heart.

[SoulFire]

@SoulFire

I met 2 girls that I feel attracted to, personality wise they are exquisite, one is free and one has a boyfriend, but I consider both potential partners, we had an evening together a few days ago and we vibe very good together

Long time no see, too much going on within and without to write these days.

One of these 2 girls I mentioned above moved in with us, it’s the one that has a boyfriend, I like her a lot, we definitely have a vibe going, she just broke up with her boyfriend 2 days ago, I haven’t made a decision about her yet, she is grieving now, I like her a lot but not enough to consider a serious relationship yet, we haven’t spend enough time together, she’s been here only 2 weeks, everything has been out of control, deep core patterns are shifting and with it my entire world is getting rocked upside down, it feels like everything around me is constantly encouraging/pushing me to a new paradigm of choice and actions.

[SoulFire]

I’m on a third day washout from this second cycle of the same 3 stack, Heartsong, RotNW and BDLM.

First time ever that I stick religiously to the same subs for 2 cycles.

I’m disappointed BDLM hasn’t shown results after 2 cycles, which further confirm my theory that running it solo is the way to go for focused physical shifting. I also didn’t give it any conscious guidance, I just run the sub and forget it.

I’m thinking of trying out the famous Wanted Black, still haven’t decided, because I’m also curious about the potential healing that Alchemist Singularity could bring, but I’m having a great time with RotNW + BDLM so going into WB seems like a smooth transition.

I will wait a couple more days to decide but likely going for Wanted Black unless they release the new Joy and Happiness sub before.

I will likely start WB at 1min and go from there, I heard it’s a hard sub to run and very dense.

[SoulFire]

After reading the whole WB copy just now I have decided this is definitely the title I will run next, I will start it solo and then see what to add depending on the vibe.

[SoulFire]

I got Wanted Black this morning and started with a 3min loop but after it stopped I decided to go for a bit longer and pushed it to 6min.

I’m glad I didn’t push it more because there was some recon for a couple hours in the form of slight anger and heavy feelings. I feel a powerful masculine drive like with Primal and decided to finally go try this nice swimming pool that also has sauna in it.

Definitely getting some extra attention and I can feel my presence is very intense and noticed by a lot of people just like with Primal, I take more space wherever I go. It’s too early to tell much more because I can feel there’s a lot of different things to process. My voice also got deeper and the adventure scripting is very apparent, also seeing myself in the mirror a few times was interesting I noticed different aspects of my beauty that I didn’t before, I also notice how my facial expressions are very different and the emotional regulation is also apparent similar to Phoenix where I feel this space of emotional stillness that feels peaceful and powerful.

I’m glad I didn’t do more than 6min, I’ll probably stick to 5 min for a few more listens before increasing, this feels very reality warping and fast, I can sense that in the right environment things could get sexually crazy pretty fast.

I almost got a handjob from my friend on the way back from the pool while driving after I asked her jokingly if she had ever given a handjob to someone driving that also has my name, she started doing the gesture above my pants and I was like ‘Well while you’re at it why not do it for real?’, she started taking off the belt but we didn’t go further because I didn’t really want to and neither did she but the fact she was gonna is impressive because of the history we have around sex together that I’m not gonna get into but that is complicated.

This sub is really powerful when it comes to sex!!!

[SoulFire]

Oh fuck the journey with WB has been rough recon wise, it triggers deep anger and despair at the same time in my solar plexus after every loop, it feels like shit but it’s a clear sign it’s helping heal something deep, also I’ve been enjoying the awesomeness this sub brings, total comfort in all situations, a huge idgaf attitude that’s helping me navigate the shit storm I’m going through.

I can’t write too much more, everyday feels so intense in my inner world, apart from the sub use there are forces at play in my life and in the world that are pushing more of my unconsciousness into the light and it’s painful as fuck, lots of beliefs and life stories are breaking down, I’m left naked in a desert full of shit, I’m patiently but also screaming and kicking waiting for things to settle with some sort of sense and meaning, right now all hell is letting lose and I’m getting splattered with shit all over my face so it’s hard to see what’s actually going on, all good though, the faith is strong with this one, this life is a fucking circus, let’s do this anyway!!!

[SoulFire]

I am falling,
When you fall,
When you really fall,
You never know how far it goes,
After a while,
It feels like flying,
Then you hit the ground.

[SoulFire]

I hit the ground last night.

Massive car accident, hit a thick snow covered road right outside a fast tunnel and lost control spun around and hit the back of the car in a fork barrier pretty hard.

I looked at death for a few seconds, braced myself ready to disintegrate and go to another realm.

My car is very very safe, VW ID.3, so much energy was absorbed on impact by the car, and the shock came from the back because of the car spinning, so I was pressed hard in my seat like a safe cocoon.

I cried a lot since last night. Part of me died in the car. I am now left wondering what I am doing still alive, what was this all about. I have no answer or great awakening about the nature of reality but a strange feeling about being still alive and given a new chance to be alive again.

This event is life changing in ways I have yet to understand.

Waiting for the insurance claim to see if I will get covered, if not I can’t afford repairs and I have to quit my job, then my life will definitely change.

I’ve been thinking of going to work as a volunteer in a big farm that has animals, produces food, catering and guest houses, yoga and healing events and other types of events like weddings, etc so they need people.

It’s maybe time to let go of this routine I’ve had for 6 years now and start something new and fresh and more simple and more social with more community and more significant impactful work with more true human connections, develop new skills and open up to the treasures I hold and share them with others.

Let’s see.

In the meantime I will go for another round of shoveling, snow hit hard the last few days, I could barely open the door to my house, and I need to make space for the cat to walk around outside as well.

[SoulFire]

The more I let it all go, the more all I remember is who I truly am.

I had a dream I was meditating, I was having a very deep meditation sitting cross legged in a beautiful garden with many of the people I know in my life and everything was very joyful and peaceful and suddenly I fell backwards and after a little hesitation and fear I let go of worries and fully embraced the fall that seemed to never stop, it felt incredibly liberating.

[SoulFire]

I have yet to experience the beauty of birth.

The birth of a new beauty in my life.

The completion of my life’s purpose.

The beginning of a new world.

[SoulFire]

The insurance came through today and because the car is beyond repairs they are offering me the market value for it which is 22 000 euros.

I’m sad to have lost my car but with this amount I can buy the same car with the same amount of kms on it or less so not so bad after all.

I’m on a break from subs for almost a week now and I’m feeling really good.

I have no idea what subs I want to run after this break but my main focus is inner growth so I’m going to continue with Heartsong, LB and Sanguine. Maybe finally try out Regeneration for a full cycle.

I would also like to run KB1, Paragon and LotS.

It might be time to consider a custom because I tried alternating different subs everyday for a cycle with only a one day break here and there but it didn’t feel very productive, I could sense the processing was all over the place and I couldn’t align to it so easily with my conscious mind because of the wide range of scripting going on.

My best friend and house mate has been in India since the new year and will come back in 3 more weeks. I still have a lot of time to enjoy myself alone at home, and mid february we get a new tenant, a cool girl we both met at a festival last summer, looking forward to this new experience.

Also the winter has been so warm so far, most days this january have been just above zero celsius with many peaks up to 6c-8c, which is insane because it usually is below zero the whole winter down to -20c, so this is getting closer to a classic european winter, I am loving it so far. I am half french half spanish and crave the sun and heat so I’m very happy the norwegian winters are getting milder and milder every year!!

[SoulFire]

It was very nice to have a 10 day washout, a lot cleared up and I felt so much better to live my life without subs for a while.

I already bought a new car, I’m picking it up in one week, same exact car with 40000kms less on it than the one I just broke, and I still have an extra 400eur left from the insurance money so pretty good in the end.

I’m trying a new listening schedule:

Only one sub a day, full 15min, two listening days in a row then one or two days off.

I’m listening to LB, Heartsong, Sanguine/or Elixir, and I might do a loop of KB1 at some point.

I had a dream a few days ago with a guy that was pretty cool and kind and I told him that it’s unusual to see someone like him so kind in the place where we were, whatever that place was I’m not sure, and then I recognized him and said Oh you are Wanted Black!