Sanguine ZP and Ultimate Artist ZP combo

Journals - Major Programs
#161

Still messing with dating apps. I can say a lot of my insecurities about who I’m attracted to are starting to diminish. And what I mean by that is I used to feel like a vain shallow man for just not wanting to date overweight women. I’m sorry, it’s just not attractive to me and I hate how much pressure society has put on men to make them believe that’s a moral failing that they aren’t attracted.

I’m a lot more picky now. A pretty face isn’t good enough if it comes with an attitude of expectation.

Still calibrating to wanted. I feel like the mindset is sinking in more for non-neediness, but actual outward manifestations of interest are limited. Still entirely due to me blocking them. I can feel myself holding the aura back. Still not hitting the flow state, but I’m getting closer

1 Like
#162

Urge to buy RoM and use it is strong. But I know these three subs I’ve been running have been steady progress and good for me. Going to stay the path. Perhaps in another cycle or two I’ll swap out Sanguine for RoM

#163

Sanguine and Wanted seems like a lethal combo. Wanted starts having me value myself and sanguine helps me keep out of any bs. Example below.

We have this office expansion going at my job. Construction been going on months. Got cornered by the op manager and he says everything will have to be setup soon. I’m like how soon? Jan 7. Great, not only did you not give me a layout of how many desks, where people are sitting, and how much equipment needed but you decided to schedule the opening of it without consulting my team if we’re gonna be shorthanded. Which we are because a week prior to that I’m on vacation spending time with my brother I havent seen in a few years. So I’m like fuck it, I’m not killing myself to get this done. I’ll do what I can reasonably and that’s it. If this looks bad to the owner oh well I don’t care. Planning building layout is not my job. Sick of people just handing stuff off their plate and expecting it to get done or have someone else figure out their mess.

They keep looking at me as if my role dictates these responsibilities. Meanwhile I make just enough to afford rent and I can’t even afford a home . The past few years I’ve been at this company I’ve given a lot, but that free buffet is over now. They blew it, they don’t deserve anything else from me. If I become the bad guy so be it, I’d rather be perceived that way than give anymore of my life to this parasite of a company

3 Likes
#164

Ahhhh something rubbed me the wrong way.

Still getting angered. And for what? That anger doesn’t go anywhere but myself. Goes back to my question of setting boundaries the other day without engaging fight or flight. I have a tendency to get upset at the actions of others and then forget it’s just one part of them. There’s no grand conspiracy to screw me over.

#165

Something weird happened on my drive home. I was listening to The Cure - Just like heaven. I noticed myself tensing up and feeling bad. And then I realized, wow I’m severely limited in my pallet of expression when it comes to music. In order to feel completely fulfilled with my music I have to be ok with all parts of myself.

To express yourself, bare your soul in some form of art, it’s not always easy. For some people it is. But for me I know I still have blocks about what others think of me. I can’t fully embody who I am a lot of the time. I can’t always write because sometimes what comes up gets pushed away as being too vulnerable.

It’s like there’s a core self but then I have a projection everyone else interacts with that keeps me safe. But it’s unfulfilling and tiring. Just wish I knew what to actually do for this. I feel trapped in a life that’s not for me, but at the same time I don’t even have a clear sense of personal identity. I want to exist more instead of feeling like a ghost watching someone else in third person go through actions.

2 Likes
#166

Initial high and good feelings have faded from these subs. My mind likes the idea at first then as the weeks go on and it drills deeper the real stuff starts happening. We start interacting with deeper core self concepts that don’t like change. Had a dream last night where I died. It just felt like death, everything came to an end.

In a way everything does need to end for me because the life I’m currently living doesn’t feel good. For one I don’t like being around people. Still trying to figure out if this is a preference or stems from fear. I’m not making any snap judgements until I grow more. But I have a longstanding issue of being uncomfortable around people. That’s why working in an office sucks for me, I can’t escape it.

1 Like
#167

Switching gears a bit here and dropping out Sanguine for Rebirth. I just felt like Sanguine was holding me in place too much. Yes I feel better on it and manage my overall state better, but I’m still living a life that isn’t meaningful enough to me. And I realized it’s all the piles of failures stacked up I constantly reference back to that chains me in place. I’m caught in a loop of being too afraid of the future, but not having enough positive events in the past to provide me with confidence to accomplish things. So giving this a shot to see how I do.

1 Like
#168

Yeaaaah Rebirth is not the way to go.

That was just me getting impatient and once again thinking I can ignore the needs of different parts of me and bypass them.

In IFS terms, I blended with my overly critical/perfectionist part. The one that’s willing to put every other part through hell to reach a goal. The problem is it just doesn’t work. It’s never worked and it never will work. Even though it gets what it wants, other parts are left behind and now the whole system is in backlash mode.

That’s what happened today. Couldn’t leave my bed, couldn’t go grocery shopping, most I’ve done today is eat a meal and write this journal entry. But a lesson to be learned here.

Before I make decisions like this I need to REALLY talk with myself. Not what I want, but what I can reasonably accommodate. And it isn’t failure or weakness if I can’t do it.

So now I’m thinking instead of stacking Sanguine I’m going to switch to Elixir. I want to get in touch with deeper parts of myself to know what’s wrong and validate those parts.

A common trend in my sub usage is getting too carried away with the end goal and cutting myself off emotionally to get there. Which is the exact opposite of what I want.

1 Like
#169

Ok so after the roughness of yesterday I feel really good today. Relaxed, calm, and less reactive and on guard. After having another internal discussion the problem was me framing Rebirth itself as leaving everything behind. That included parts inside me that didn’t want to disappear or die. It was similar to previous self growth attempts where I shunned the parts I didn’t like and tried to reinvent myself.

Anyway after explaining it in my own head, how it’s about pulling them out of trauma responses and no longer living in that cycle of pain, there was a more favorable reaction. So rebirth really is the greatest level of self care for myself because I’m sort of relieving the parts of having to run the same cycles over and over.

So it looks like I’ll continue with Rebirth after all and keep in my mind it’s not about escaping, but releasing all parts of myself from rigid roles that cause pain.

#170

Building a better life starts with getting out of the past. I am in the past. Parts frozen in time, repeating the same fearful behaviors. Some got me out of situations or helped me survive but they have a tendency to be too rigid.

These fearful uncertain parts project doom and gloom into my life moving forward. Positive outlooks don’t come naturally to me because I’m anticipating the worst.

But part of growing is not judging these parts or criticizing them. Not having an agenda, just seeking to understand them.

The warrior part that pushes through despite all odds clearly has positive traits. And it has helped me grow. But it needs to give room to the parts not ready for such huge leaps, the more vulnerable emotional parts.

The funny thing is it would seem like the warrior is the more powerful one, but in reality it’s the more emotional part that holds the keys to moving forward.

Putting more emphasis on communicating inward is my goal now.

It’s still all very unclear. How any of this is going to come together for me. It’s not really about planning my life. I’ve learned despite situations changing over the years, I’m still me. That’s the one constant. And if I can’t be ok and supportive in my own body, it doesn’t matter what external circumstances change.

#171

Wow Rebirth did something. I just got done running my 30s loop of WANTED. Immediate execution of the script. Best way I could describe it, internal agreement. None of that “but this isn’t you” feeling I was getting before. Instead I see it for the truth, perceptions and beliefs based on past circumstances that I can heal from and embody something else.

I’m definitely clearing out beliefs and challenging things internally. I can feel the emotional shifts. But this is different. I don’t feel as stuck. Where before it felt like i was just battling to take on the beliefs of WANTED. Now it feels like they are actually being integrated. The rubberband effect of going to past experiences as reference isn’t there as strongly. If past events are brought up it’s like I’m able to refocus on the present and just healing from that experience.

I feel like my mind is like “too good to be true, you’ll crash from this” but even that is being reframed by Rebirth. It’s helping me disconnect from the past so I don’t keep getting pulled into it.

I’m going to meditate on all this tonight because the internal state is wild. I haven’t felt this much unblocked energy in a while. I can feel it pushing out of my body.

2 Likes
#172

Told myself no more customs, but I think I’m going to draft one up and see the pros and cons.

My thinking was obviously the music stuff is important to me, but I also started WANTED because that area of my life lagged behind. I have a vision in my head for how I want those two subs to synergize with each other. Along with that some very specific modules that will help me further reinforce the mental states I’m seeking to embody. If I had to put a percentage to it for desired balance, it feels like UA goals is about 60% and Wanted is 40%

I’ll have to see. If the custom gets too kitchen sink like I’ll stick with what I’m doing now. But I think ultimately combining these two and selecting specific modules will make it more efficient than running two separate subs.

My track record with customs is pretty terrible though. But I think I have a better idea of what I actually want now in my life vs guessing or hoping.

I guess the question would be, would this custom benefit me that much more than what I’m currently doing? It’s not really a drastic switch so I’m not worried about losing progress.

#173

@Fractal_Explorer I was thinking about something. How much of your stress/tension/nervousness/etc. might be from EMF exposure?

1 Like
#174

Not a clue man. I don’t even know how to fix that. I’m basically behind a computer for 8 hours a day. I don’t think EMF is a problem for me. I mean it might be but I have no solid way to tell.

#175

Decided I’ll be building out this wanted/UA custom after all. I’ve been tolerating both programs well so it should work well in a custom. But here’s my plan.

No grind, no hustle, no external achievements, no rat race. Just building up myself. Making myself important, feel good, emotionally liberated, enjoying life, living in the present, doing stuff for me not society. I’ve got some modules in my mind but I’m gonna create a big list then narrow it down to the ones that really speak to me.

This custom will serve to strengthen my bond with myself. There’s no winning or losing. No failure. Just pure creative and emotional exploration of myself. I’m detaching from the system in place in life, I hate it. I’ll exist within it, but I won’t be rocked around by it. My ultimate goal is to live in pure authenticity, never being forced to do dumb shit just because “that’s how life works”. I’m pissed. For most of my life I’ve just felt squeezed, do this, do that, plan this. For what? I’m not happy, I’m just sustaining my life. Getting a high paying job isn’t my idea of freedom, it’s just a slightly bigger cage you put yourself in.

For this custom to hit well I think I have to have a balance of buildup and a healthy dose of boundary setting and rogue attitude to those that want to keep shoving me back into the stuff I’m detaching from. Still have to draft one up.

#176

Well that was short lived. The fire in me to create a custom has died. I tried every type of configuration I THOUGHT would be useful. But it all seemed pointless and less goal oriented and more wishful thinking.

Even moreso I ran rebirth tonight and I’m just lost. I still prop up my sense of self worth in my identity as a musician. It gets to the point where I just create sometimes so I don’t feel like crap about my life. But that’s no good because it’s not coming from a real place of happiness.

I’ll be continuing with this stack and holding off on a custom for now. Realistically I don’t know what I want so I’m better off just settling in on what I’m running now until it’s more clear.

I feel like giving up. Throwing in the towel on everything I’ve been trying to reach these past few years because it turns out even the things i wanted weren’t genuine core desires. Just another attachment to help me feel better. So really who the fuck am I? What do I want? I don’t even know,. I’m going to keep going but there’s no path here, just profound confusion and why I’m doing any of this.

#177

The dying will be short-lived too.

You had a leap forward. Progress. And you’re so desperate for leaps that you over-reacted to it.

“Okay, finally! The crappy part is over! Now let’s go fix everything!”

And that transformation is happening. You’re not wrong.

Just not instantaneously.

Be easy with it. (I know that’s hard.).

But the same things that led to the first leap are going to lead to more and more.

Stay the course.

You’re doing it.

2 Likes
#178

Thanks man. Yeah so many times in my life I have the “I figured it out, it’s all gonna be different now” then my mind throws another curveball. And it’s like I have amnesia to the fact that this is nothing new, it happens all the time.

1 Like
#179

You’re not alone.

Remember the movie Groundhog Day?

There’s a reason it was so popular. It struck a deep chord.

The so-called Wheel of Life.

“Forgetting” is an integral element of this visceral journey around the wheel. Again and again.

But you’re doing it.

Growth. Is. Happening.

Almost in spite of ourselves, we continue to grow.

In this too, you are no exception (though your individual path is exceptional).

You can trust this process.

The very forces that drive you to despair of ever growing are the exact same forces that are fueling your growth.

(They just happen to have a very unfortunate sense of humor.)

2 Likes
#180

After some rest last night and processing things, it was painful yesterday but ultimately it’s liberation.

In order to take care of myself better and be aware of my own needs I need to let go of what it is I THINK I should be doing and get in touch with what I want to do. But that right there is a lifetime of conditioning to ignore how I’m feeling and move ahead and just survive. But this is why rebirth is so important, there’s nothing to look back on. It’s all about defining now.

I’m working with my therapist on reframing things in the past using Accelerated Resolution Therapy. She made me realize the stories don’t matter, what happened doesn’t really matter. It’s how it’s influencing the present and focusing on addressing that keeps us growing instead of being stuck in the past. My issue is I doubt my emotions, whatever pain I’ve experienced in the past or situations. So I’m learning to accept more of that.

1 Like