Sanguine ZP and Ultimate Artist ZP combo

Journals - Major Programs
#181

I’ve always admired artists and musicians who embody it to the fullest. That their whole life is art. Their reality is art. They didn’t have to compromise.

I think I want that too, but at the same time as a goal it feels like an escape. Support myself, engage in what I like and what I’m good at? Of course it would feel good. It’s all the other stuff in life I suck at that really weighs me down. The routines, the repetition, the social aspect, etc. Part of me feels like I should AT LEAST be able to maintain myself in some form of alternative and not bank on this one really hopeful dream.

But then what if this is my gift? And so what if I suck at normal jobs. Why do I have to be good at them if they don’t give me anything in return? Music as a career is hard though. So much damn reconciliation from UA.

At least with building a business there’s recognized trends of what works, frameworks to follow, one to one transactions of goods for money. Music is nothing like that. As much as people say it’s business, real longevity as an artist comes from substance and connection, not flashy marketing techniques. A chord progression isn’t a formula for generating a popular song that garners attention. A popular sample pack or set of preset sounds won’t guarantee anything. Music is an anomaly because for every principle or guideline someone supposedly comes up with, another breaks it and it still works. It’s constantly reinventing and defining itself, never static, like its own entity.

You pour your heart and soul into your creations, most of them going unnoticed or unacknowledged for a good portion of your life as you build this intangible asset everyone else perceives it as. And yeah a lot of the time it does suck at first and it continues to suck for a while. Most people don’t believe in you until you’re actually good, they won’t support the potential. So you have to rely on yourself. It’s a lonely road unless you find other people who validated how you feel. And in my case I’ve always struggled with interpersonal relationships so building that net of support doesn’t come easy.

So I really don’t know. I’m just airing my thoughts in hopes of things making more sense for me. I will say this, one of my modules for the custom was going to be Untouchable. As an artist creation is something in your being, it is an alternate view because it goes against the typical path in society. It’s not always easy to stand on your own two feet and recognize your own needs out of life when they are trivialized.

#182

I think I will be stacking RoM with UA and Wanted. It seems like it can offer similar benefits to rebirth, but also strengthens subconscious and conscious communication. I’ve actually been looking to go deeper within myself lately and start over.

Will have to read it over again and see.

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#183

I’m definitely going to add RoM. This is exactly what I’ve wanted these past few weeks. Exploration of self, exploring reality without being locked in the same habitual patterns. It’s vague and open ended, but that’s what I like about it. I need to go deeper and connect with myself more.

I think this journal has gotten convoluted enough with my switching so I’ll probably start a fresh one next cycle.

#184

Messing around with listening volume again. It seems like really low volume is best for me. Where I can hear the masked but it’s very quiet. I’m not sure why. Maybe it has something to do with the script being lower in volume compared to my own internal dialogue volume. Listened to rebirth the other day and recon wasn’t as bad.

#185

I’m at a point where I’m like “just give me a title to run where i can be myself and just tell everyone else to piss off”.

I like WANTED, I’ve been feeling better about how I look so I think it was a good choice. It’s also helping me be more confident, but I’m definitely missing a piece of something.

I want to be above everything. But right now I still feel squeezed by situations around me. I don’t feel true freedom. I don’t even know what that is to be honest. It just all feels wrong in some way. And I can’t tell if this is me projecting my limiting and confined experience of life outward or I’m picking up on the system most people have been crammed into. Either way I’ve had it.

I’m no stranger to suicidal ideations. I was afflicted with them a lot in the past. What’s interesting is as I’ve grown more as a person and really come to understand how the world operates, I’ve realized what that energy actually is. In a way it’s the ultimate self preservation mechanism. It’s my mind trying to find a way out of bad situations in the only way it can. It’s the “this needs to end” energy. When you aren’t confident, don’t feel good about yourself or your future, that usually only has one path to take. But now that I see this isn’t me, it’s the crap you have to put up with in life from people and positions of abused power. But if you can be stronger for yourself that energy can be used as fuel to change things for yourself, to live a better life. That’s what I’m trying to do now.

#186

So much crap in life working against you. But it’s important to not let the garbage drown out the good. I’m trying my best, but I’m definitely struggling.

I need to make sense of my life, but I’ve never been able to do that. I’m just struck by this sense of dread.

I’m not joking when I say this, but I feel like I’m in a shittier timeline of reality I’m trying to escape from. I refuse to believe this is what things are amounting to for myself.

I can’t accurately put it into words, but it’s like a feeling of sickness when I really dissect where my time is going in my life. I want financial security, but I don’t want to hop on the hamster wheel of chasing money to achieve freedom. I want freedom period. But every direction seems like a way of routing me back into a system that was carefully designed and structured to get a guaranteed outcome for me as a human.

Some people live off the grid, but I don’t want to be that extreme. I want to live off the grid in my mind if that makes sense. To have the mental fortitude and power to be beyond this manipulative bs.

So I’m willing to accept either one of these things. I might just be afraid of doing in the world, blocking myself, and thinking there’s some huge mystery. Or I’m butting heads with a very real structure. One that requires a lot of mental alchemy to break free from. I don’t know. Maybe I need RoM more than I thought. I just can’t live like this anymore.

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#187

I put in a support ticket today to clarify some things and waiting on a response. Right now I’m still debating the best listening method for me.

The choices below

30s loops every other day. After doing a full cycle of this I’ve noticed results, but also intense recon. I don’t feel like this is the way to go. Tough to manage. @RVconsultant I seem to have the same reaction as you with 30s loops.

3 min loops every other day. Not sure about this one. I get overexposed very easily. Quick cognitive decline and sort of out of it feeling.

One loop a week. Debating between 15,7,5, or 3 minutes. My goal is enough exposure to last me with consistent forward growth through the week, but not overloading me. The thing is if I use one loop a week and it isn’t enough exposure it feels like I experience more recon because it’s not enough momentum to carry me over into the new behaviors and mindsets. So I get caught in between.

So I’m basically wondering how much potential energy is in a 3 vs 5 vs 7 vs 15 minute loop.

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#188

Quick thoughts before sleep. I’m a prisoner in my own life. I keep getting angry and upset about the things around me, but they aren’t physically holding me down.

I have a town I live in, places to explore, people to meet, but I stay inside. A world to explore, but it’s not appealing because I tense up and dissociate. I stopped trying, it became too much effort for little reward.

I keep waiting for things to settle. To feel ok. Like I’m not bracing for impact with some terrible shit every single day. But that relief just never comes.

What is it like to feel safe? To feel on track? Like your life is ok. I wouldn’t know.

I saw my brother for the first time in 2 years this past week. He lives across the country from me. It’s expensive to travel and we both had to take time off from work. And I’m just sitting here like “fuck this shit, life moves too fast. I’m just constantly losing time with the people I care about because I can’t pilot my own life and I don’t have the freedom to just drop by”.

Everything keeps accelerating and blurring. I feel like I’m gonna wake up one day old and almost dead. But as awful as it all feels I know this is just shit I’ve been swallowing for years and repressing. My hope with these subs is it KEEPS staying at the forefront of my mind. I don’t want to be able to push it away, I don’t want to put it aside, I want it guiding my actions. I want this to give me the strength to tell people “no my time is valuable and you won’t be wasting it”. I need to be stronger just to take care of myself and my needs.

I’m not gonna lie it hurts. How many years I’ve just checked out to keep going. Just running on autopilot. But I think what pisses me off more is the horribly abusive system in place that just wants to hammer you into a mold vs help you explore your own unique gifts. I need to let go of that pain. But on a universal level I feel like there’s some violations of spiritual laws going on in this reality. I’ve always felt something was screwed up, even as a kid. I just couldn’t articulate it and it took me until recently to come to the realization that not everyone sees this.

#189

Either RoM is hitting me early for my next cycle or this is just ZP popping up.

I’m afraid of waking up. There’s so much I just tuned out, detached from. I just survived and kept going.

In search of truth for a better life. That’s always been in the back of my mind for as long as I can remember. It’s hard to tell where my internally destructive behaviors start vs manipulation imposed on me. When you can’t understand or validate your own desires people are free to gaslight you into what they want.

I’ve only been partially connected to myself over the years. That lack of full alignment opens me up to a lot of manipulation.

#190

Always seems to come back to the trauma.

I thought about what I was doing with WANTED today and my real goals with it. Despite telling myself I wasn’t too invested in a relationship, I still find myself putting myself out there. What I’m currently struggling with is not falling into the trap of being super incongruent. What I mean by that is initial interactions being good, she’s showing interest, then it gets closer and the weird anxious/avoidant behavior starts poking its head out. That’s the type of stuff that makes me want to close myself off in a hole and never come out because I stop enjoying her company and interaction. At that point the interaction in general just turns into some screwed up endurance event where I feel like I just need to hold out and escape. And if that’s all most interactions have been for me for most my life it’s kind of obvious why I don’t have much interest in them.

But it’s a new year and I told myself this isn’t how things are going to go down. I don’t know how I’m going to get better but I will. Not gonna keep structuring my habits and life around fearful and avoidant behaviors.

#191

On a five day washout now. When I get back my new stack is gonna be.

RoM
UA
WANTED

Starting a fresh journal for this one.

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#192

You could also ask support for guidance.

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#193

Yup I put in a ticket about it a few days ago.

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#194

This washout blows. It’s coinciding on my return to my job after a week off and I’m having a rough time.

Older trauma triggers, like doors slamming are getting to me. A lot of the offices I’m around people are always going back and forth and they just let the door slam behind them.

Dysfunctional communication. Nobody tells me anything and then expects things to work out perfectly. I’m done chasing people down, it’s more effort than its worth. I’m not a project manager or coordinator, that’s not my fucking job.

Inability to focus at an all time high. I legit can’t give a single thought to anything in this company when I reflect on how badly I feel in my own life. None of it is important in my eyes. Like great job I expended the last of my reserve energy so the business can keep running, but now I don’t have energy to cook myself dinner tonight. Which one is really important here? That’s the kind of knee jerk “others before myself” reaction I’m trying to get a hold of.

The one benefit to my time away, I see just how much this job interferes with my quality of life. I’m going to see what I can do about all the pieces of it and possibly make it work for me. It’s not the technical stuff, it’s always the goddamn people.