Saint’s journal

saint · April 7, 2023, 1:57pm

I’ve been feeling weirdly calm and relaxed lately, and just doing my thing. I’ve given up on trying to journal like I was before, and will try again next cycle. And as I mentioned in a previous post, my sense of time has slowed down greatly. This is definitely because I’m completely off of the computer except for work or coming here during the day, and when I am on the computer it’s in public. I feel more like I’m a part of life. It’s amazing what getting up early and getting out of the house does for the mind. Very little negative mental chatter, a little bit more present, a little bit more open, and kinda vibing. It’s hard to describe, but I feel like I’ve let go of trying to control everything and think everything through and all of the worry about my future. At the same time I’m more in control of myself than ever, and I’m having an increasing sense of influence on my life and what I’m doing, and an ability to just go along with the flow of things.

This one old lady in my class has a massive lady-boner for me, and it’s fucking creepy, but she’s also funny as hell so it’s been a kind of banter over the past few years that I’ve been here. No matter how directly I say some form of “no”, it’s like water off a duck’s back with her. Recently, though it’s turned up a notch and she won’t stop inviting me to her home, out for lunch, to come meet her husband for whatever reason, etc. And she’s been asking me very specifically about my type and why I don’t have a girlfriend, and when I’m gonna get one blah blah blah – to the point where one of the other students today finally started telling her to cool it a little bit. Amazing to think how the situation would be handled or viewed if our genders were switched.

Another lady in tonight’s class out of nowhere turned another student’s story about her job taking care of a 10-month-old baby into a joke about breastfeeding, making a bunch of breastfeeding gestures, machine-gun breastfeeding motions (pretending to squeeze them alternately) and shit.

FUCKING WEIRD.

I hope this isn’t khan because I don’t need this type of sexual stuff in my life. Quite honestly, even if they were 20-year-olds acting like this it would be a huge turn off.

ksub · April 7, 2023, 3:33pm

@saint : Did you read the description of Khan before purchasing it?

saint · April 8, 2023, 12:50am

There’s got to be limits somewhere

saint · April 9, 2023, 3:21am

My second cycle is over, and it’s been way different from the first cycle.

Even the way I approached this journal – from the beginning I never got into rhythm to give updates like I did in my first cycle. And I decided to roll with it and it just never picked up

In terms of action, it feels like things spiked right at the beginning and then smoothed out. I got a big job out of nowhere, felt crazy bad/sick for about a week, and then found myself falling into a groove. I’ve been feeling more self-assured, calm, and self-expressive, and that’s had a good impact on my work and classes. I’m following my intuition 100% and it’s enabled me to make quicker, better decisions and has greatly decreased my stress. I don’t feel a need to control things as much anymore. But kind of ride the wave and guide things along the best I can to the outcome I’m looking for. For example, I’ve gotten some instructions for a job starting tomorrow that I don’t like and tried my best to appeal but must ultimately accept them. And I’ve taken the attitude of “I’m going to stick up for myself, and if y’all don’t care about the clear problems I’m trying to point out, then I’m not going to care about them either. I’ll do it your way and you can take the results as they are.”

I realized at some point that my (negative) mental chatter essentially died. I don’t know when but I suddenly realized, “holy shit I’m not mentally torturing myself these days.”

I banned computer and phone usage from my apartment, and it’s forced me to be at work, coffee shops, the library, and a kind of co-working space during the day. OK sometimes I post here at home, and I do have an exception for utd games, but that’s been it. The weather is still cold but warm enough to be tolerable, and the days are getting longer too. My sense of life and time feels way different. Like I have much much much more time in the day than I ever realized, and I feel more physically comfortable and relaxed. Getting up early and getting the gym done followed by my daily study stack is amazing. Gym in the afternoon is still my ideal, but gym in the morning works quite well for my current work schedule, and I now have the energy to get up and go do it. This cycle has made it very clear to me how much time I waste and how much I DON’T want to waste it anymore. It’s disgusting.

I was able to have a really difficult but necessary series of conversations with my boss about my current job, this project that we’re doing, and the money involved with it. We’re finishing up with this conversation later today, and I’ll have an official decision on my next steps made by the end of today. After much indecision and low motivation, it’s like a switch has been flipped. I’m done being poor and feeling like shit. I’m done freezing my ass off. I’ve got to stop teaching, I’ve got to leave this city, and I’ve got to do it properly.

I’ll post again later to share the results of the conversation and what I’ll do from here on.

saint · April 9, 2023, 4:17am

In terms of feelings, emotions, sex.

I’ve caught myself changing my attitude when I see young couples (this is a tourist city, so it’s common for weekend trips, honeymoons, etc.). For the longest time, I’ve felt so down, jealous, angry, etc. when I see them. And these days I look and I think “Good for y’all – enjoy”, “Looks like they’re having fun”, “Ah that’s nice, I’d like that too.” type of thoughts. And occasionally I’ll have a flash of “fuck you guys” when the girl seems super cute, but immediately question why I think that and then change it.

I’m feeling better about myself, and way more open to good vibes and sending people good thoughts and well wishes.

Absolutely zero changed for me in terms of sex life. And I do feel like a piece of shit for it. But I have noticed that I also don’t feel so horny, have no desire to watch porn, and have a growing patience and return to my old values. I don’t believe in “the” one, but I do believe in “a” one. I’ve never been a fan of casual hookups and always preferred great sex with my favorite girl to sex for the sake of numbers or showing off to bros or whatever. Quality > quantity. To put it bluntly, I want to have sex with someone who I still want to talk to and be around after I cum. I don’t want them to leave. I’m the kind of person who likes what he likes and hates what he hates. And if I like it, I tend to want as much of it as possible. But it tends to be hard for me to find someone I like in that way. IMO it’s a complete waste of time to have sex with someone I don’t care about, and from experience the sex isn’t even that good anyway. If it’s purely casual sex, finding someone who I have good sexual chemistry with and can pay is way more straightforward and easier to manage emotionally, too. Unfortunately I haven’t found either situation here (I’m broke anyway…) and it’s a struggle.

saint · April 9, 2023, 8:41am

OK, here’s the decision after much discussion.

I’ve ironed out the financial agreement on this marketing/sales project. There shouldn’t be any more problems going forward.

I’ve agreed to extend my teaching contract for one extra year because that gives us the best way to transition forward. And it’s officially my last teaching contract. We’ll spend the year interviewing candidates to replace me. In exchange, the contract will have adjusted terms to limit the workload so that I can work a second job. But it does mean I’m gonna be cold for a bit longer and teach more than I wanted to. I’ll do my best anyway.

So I’m going to focus on getting a solid job in software that offers: full remote/async (can work from literally anywhere in the world with no set working hours but based on performance) and good pay. Bonus points if they are based in or have a presence in Japan and have perks related to life here (for ex. Japanese lessons). If that proves too narrow of a criteria, I’ll take a fully remote gig that’s Japan-only with mostly flex time, and ensure that I don’t have class during core working hours.

I’ve got a basic app that I’ve built to automate some of my work. I’m going to continue improving my skills and flesh it out. My boss is really keen on it so there’s an opportunity to either have her become my first customer and/or get her to help build out the Japanese parts and sell it as B2C as part of our marketing (she would become an affiliate) or maybe go B2B because if it helps us it would absolutely help other schools. That part isn’t clear yet but I’ve talked about it with her and I think it’s worth a try.

I’ve got my work cut out for me, and I have a clear deadlines and goals now. It feels fantastic, and, to be cliched, I feel like a huge weight has lifted off of me.

saint · April 9, 2023, 9:12am

As for subs.

Khan Stage 1 (K1)
I love Khan. I don’t know how to explain it, but I just know this is the right thing to be listening to right now. And I’ve got a strong desire to listen to it more. We’ll see how K2 treats me.

RICH
I definitely manifested some business from RICH, as I detailed in earlier posts, but I also fear that K1 blocked much of its power; I read that K1 shouldn’t be run with manifestation subs, and I’m not sure if that still applies to ZP but it’s concerning nonetheless. In any case, I’m moving on to K2 and I’m really starting to open up some pathways for manifestation so I want to keep it in the stack.

Beyond Limitless
MEH. I didn’t particularly notice studying getting any easier or faster, and I didn’t feel like my mind worked any better than normal. I think it’s because I wasn’t necessarily cramming for a big test or studying a large volume of material, but rather studying my daily study stack which is already pretty optimized for learning and retention. I’m sure there were some effects on my mind, but for my explicit purposes I didn’t see an impact.

Next Steps
I was originally going to swap BL for LBFH when I got to K4 because it supposedly contains parts of Limitless and I owe it to myself to do a full cycle of LBFH. But between my experience with BL and just this… strong feeling that’s come up lately… I’m thinking of doing that swap in the next cycle and dropping BL permanently. And as I said before, I’m also thinking of dropping my stack size to 2 so I can listen to Khan more often. So I’m debating right now whether to go K2 + RICH + LBFH, or do only K2 + LBFH and then back to RICH: K3 + RICH → K4 + RICH.

I’m leaning towards doing all three so I can keep RICH thoughts flowing through my mind. And I know LBFH’s power so it might actually be best to listen to it for less overall loops.

I’m back on campus twice a week starting tomorrow. This month will be K2 and after the holiday I’ll be on the big hitters K3 and then K4. Perfect time to be around a shedload of 19, 20, 21 year-olds in warm(ish) weather months

Deadpool · April 9, 2023, 10:28am

You know that the best approach would be a two months for each stage?

saint · April 9, 2023, 11:01am

Achilles, thanks for your comment.

I’ve seen that floated around but iirc seemed really common before ZP.

Does that still hold, or is that knowledge based on the old system that people still believe in? Why do you think two months would be best here? Was that your experience with Khan?

Deadpool · April 9, 2023, 12:29pm

Two cycles for a stage was introduced wih ZP by Saint himself if am not mistaken and it is still valid rn. @Lion as ambassador can tell you more. But of course you can do every stage only one cycle each, up to you.

saint · April 10, 2023, 4:17am

OK, thanks for the information! I didn’t realize that. I could’ve sworn most of the “two months” talk I found was from before ZP.

EDIT Here is the response from Saint on a ZP thread:

saint · April 11, 2023, 10:26am

Basically I follow my gut when it comes to attraction, and all girls that I’ve ever been with I had this… feeling of being pulled towards them from my core from the instant I met them – some stronger than others, but all had that feeling. There’s “damn that girl looks hot” “she’s sexy” “she turns me on” or whatever, and then there’s this much deeper “I know she’s for me / she completely does it for me and she’s mine” no matter what visual “type” she is or age or whatever. I mentally prefer a certain type, of course, but it’s so hard to ignore this feeling when it hits.

Had first day of university class A yesterday. One girl caught my attention immediately and I got the feeling. She had no mask and yeah – cutie. I made sure to work with her at one point during icebreakers and she was definitely feeling it. Smiling and blushing like crazy, and between us we covered exclusively the icebreaker questions related to dating, marriage, money, and kids. I did my best to communicate interest given the environment, and she slid in today with her personal email (using university emails is standard here and I don’t collect private contact info) to ask me a throwaway question/give me her personal email.

Also, let me say as an aside – I was vibing hard with the students in this class and I think I owe that to the subs. Japanese students are usually shy and hesitate to approach me, so I usually have to open them up. But everyone, even the girls, approached me like crazy and I had an unusually good time talking with them, too.

Anyway, I must restrain myself for 15 weeks and be a professional X_X. But thanks to COVID “ending”, I’ve been able to open up ways to connect with her if she’s interested, so we’ll see how it goes. I’m looking forward to seeing how this class plays out. If I’m still feeling it at the end, I’ll ask her out.

Also, class B starts on Friday so we’ll see how that goes.

I fucking got to the next round Technical interview here we come.

saint · April 12, 2023, 1:26pm

Technical interview cleared. Next is HR and Managerial.

I had to censor a shit ton of the email, but I still want to post this for someone else in the future to get some motivation. The subs and this community are giving me the confidence and the energy to get this shit done. If I get an offer, this will completely open up my options in Japan in a massive way. And it’s almost EXACTLY the type of job/work style/company I’ve had in mind as ideal, too. I think there’s a slight caveat but I might be able to negotiate my way through the problem. As long as I put my best foot forward and get my timing right, I think I can work something good out. I can’t believe this.

saint · April 13, 2023, 9:06am

Tomorrow starts my third cycle, and my second Khan cycle, and I’ve come to a decision.

I’m dropping RICH and BL and running Khan by itself for the next stage. On K1, I had a really shit start but then was feeling really good towards the end, so I’m not sure I need to continue with the healing right now.

The official sales page says 1 month each cycle, the creator has unofficially recommended 2 cycles per stage for dense subs, and some users seem to agree with this while others have had zero problems on shorter cycles or even skipping around, it seems.

I’m going with my gut which is excited for K2 and I’ll also trust the feeling that I should get more loops in.

So my next cycle starts tomorrow and I’ll run K2 (2 loops) every other day!

Deadpool · April 13, 2023, 9:12am

Bear in mind that many of the descriptions are still from the Q era and were not updated yet to ZP.

saint · April 13, 2023, 9:28am

Maybe it’s easy for me to say… but they should be updated if that’s the case

Thanks for telling me. I’m moving on to a focused month of K2, and we’ll see how it goes.

saint · April 15, 2023, 6:23am

Had class B yesterday… all students were masked up and nobody caught my attention like the girl in class A did. There’s one girl that stood out, but since she was masked I actually have no clue what she’s like and will ignore her (in that way) unless I can see what I’m dealing with. It’s amazing how much the mask blocks – not only in terms of looks but also the transmission/sharing of emotions.

For the job itself, I seem to have good vibes with both classes so that bodes well for this semester. I have my system down pat so it won’t be too much extra work for once.

I started K2 last night. Two loops, and my god… the only word to describe the feeling was “dense”. I thought I would be able to listen, then put my phone away for the night, clean up and go to bed. What actually happened was about halfway through the first loop my mind became heavy. And I barely made it through the second loop and took off my headphones when I promptly knocked out. It felt like I used all of my remaining mental energy in those 30 minutes

I’ve been feeling a little subdued mentally today at work, but no headaches or anything and I’ve been able to get through my work and studying so far. I’m glad I decided to go pure Khan for this round. It definitely needs the time.

saint · April 17, 2023, 10:17am

2023-04-15T15:00:00Z

Some notes I wrote down:

K2 hits better today. The “dense” feeling from before didn’t come.
I stopped having the need to write down or introspect so much and I’m not so caught up in my feelings these days.
Just focused on doing the best I can and focused on closing this interview and getting a new job going.
Girls who are masked = instant ignore. And I expect it to be clear if a girl is interested or I should have “that” feeling in me that pulls me towards her, otherwise I’m not going to worry about who is or who isn’t checking me out or whatever bullshit I’ve been on. It’s not that serious, and I’ll find someone at some point as long as I spend enough time outside of the house/office.
I’m way more accepting of my ideas and intuition and I don’t feel so desperate. Just calm, if not a little too calm, about things right now.
Classes are vibing, and I definitely have more social stamina. I don’t feel as drained after teaching or talking for a long time.

saint · April 17, 2023, 11:20am

2023-04-16T15:00:00Z

Observations/Thoughts
Today was shit. Weather cold as fuck… can you believe sleet in April . So tired this morning having to drag my ass to teach on what’s supposed to be an off day. After a year of giving remote lectures, I was worried that it would take me some time to get used to lecturing in a hall and controlling a room again. But actually I did such a good fucking job I surprised even myself. My lecture just kind of flowed out and everything came together perfectly in the end. Also, I was worried about adapting a class I designed for zoom to a real classroom, but the activities and stuff went fine too. No worries!

I ended up sleeping for about four or five hours when I got back in… I think that’s down to K2 and the weather. Yesterday I didn’t feel so heavy when I listened to it, but god damn today I just felt like all my energy was drained from me. Despite that, I went to the gym and got a full workout in. Normally I wouldn’t go, or would do a half workout or something in this state and given this weather, but I pushed through and did the whole thing. And my reward was that some [super explicit word] stole my base layer from the changing room. It’s high quality and was a gift from my dad when I came up here… plus I thought I could trust Japanese people not to steal… so it was a major disappointment. But like I said, this fucking city is filled with trash and old people. Gym staff just shrugged and told me to file a report with the police… lol…

The women’s changing room has a fucking card-key entry system while the men’s room doesn’t even have a curtain divider. If they had the same system, they would easily be able to tell who was in the changing room while I was at the gym and go from there. But for whatever reason, women need to be protected from… NOBODY, because nobody is going to go sneak into a women’s dressing room to peep on 60 and 70 year olds. And men’s facilities, as always, are second-class and bullshit.

If there was another gym in the area I would of course cancel and switch immediately out of principle. But there isn’t! That’s what happens when there’s no competition and nothing going on.

Anyway, I can’t get it back so I must accept the situation. But it’s just one more thing added to my list of shit that I’ve exclusively experienced in this garbage city and literally nowhere else in my life. Who steals a fucking base layer holy shit…

I have my third round interviews tomorrow. I’m praying that they go well. I’m so ready to work hard and get my life back together.

Some notes:

Negative (about myself) mental chatter at 0, and I can’t say enough about how my sense of time has absolutely slowed the fuck down. I’ve gone from feeling like I don’t have time to do anything to having all the damn time in the world. I’ve been mentioning it in the journal, but it’s still such a strange feeling for me to describe.
I’m allowing myself to be myself, and that includes the arrogance to trust my intuition and judgement over everything else even at the risk that I’m wrong. I keep saying this, but I used to be this way in my teens and early 20s, and I just completely lost my way somewhere and pushed all of it down. It’s coming back up and out of me and I love it. I’d like to think I’m more mature and able to recognize when I should listen or take a step back, but I’d also like to think that my intuition is quite good and stifling it has done huge damage to my soul and my confidence over the years. I’m backing myself now.
No doubt that I need to move to a SUNNY and warm place. I need to get this job in the bag and that will allow me to then spend some time and money visiting different places in Japan to make a good decision on this. If I can’t find one perfect place, I need to consider how I can make it happen in two. It’s a necessity. I don’t care what my parents say (even though they themselves moved the fuck away from the north as soon as they could) or what white people say, or pale Japanese people say, or whatever. They clearly do not need the sun and warmth like I do. For ME, it’s a completely game-changer for my mental and physical well-being, and I’m not going to suffer anymore thinking that somehow it’s a problem with my attitude or whatever. This subliminal journey has made me realize just how sensitive to my environment I am, in all senses of the word.
Unfeminine (in attitude and/or looks) girls and women are starting to disgust me. And there’s a whole bunch of them up here, which is a problem. I never liked them, but it’s now coming from a deeper and more instinctive place. It’s kind of scaring me tbh because I’d rather not feel that way about another human being. And it’s even as illogical as seeing a senior citizen with short hair and pants and feeling revulsion. Of course they’re way beyond sex and stuff, and this place is cold as a mfer so dresses are a no-go most of the year, but it’s just… so… off putting. Like, still try at least for your husband. God damn they just chop that shit off and become shitty versions of old men.
I’m currently in limbo. If I get this job, my current schedule will change in a big way. If I don’t get this job, I know exactly what I’m going to focus on next to help me with my current work and prepare for a proper, focused job search. I know exactly what to do with food/training, but I don’t have the money so I’m forced to wait until the end of the month. Japanese is going as well as it can be right now, and again – if I get this new job I will be able to take it in one direction, and if I don’t then I’m going to take it in another. Feels like this month’s theme is “patience”.

A lot of the questions I started out with are slowly but surely being answered or becoming greatly clarified. Nice

saint · April 18, 2023, 11:01am

2023-04-17T15:00:00Z

Observations/Thoughts

I had my final round interviews today. Went well except for the part that I anticipated earlier…

Caveat is they are looking for someone to join and get going within a month or so. But I’m under contract until September, and I’m not breaking it early for many reasons. Most of all, I made an agreement with my current employer and I have zero reason to suddenly dip and leave them in an impossible situation to replace me so quickly. The HR lady started telling me stuff about the Japanese workplace/legal system and how I am within my rights to break the contract early and blah blah, but in my opinion she was completely missing the point, and if that’s how it is then I don’t want to work for such a company. As much as I complain on this journal, my current boss has taken great care of me, been honest and honorable in all dealings with me, and I want to repay that with the same respect. Of course HR is doing their job, but if they are unable to be creative and work out a deal to let me work part-time for a few months before going full-time – or if they are too short-sighted and make such a big deal over a few months – then they aren’t for me, either. Everybody tries to make a big deal during the interview process but at the end of the day:

You don’t know someone’s value until they actually start working and the rubber hits the road.
Everybody talks a big game about their company or area within the company, then when you join the team it’s a fucking shit show and people are desperate for help/more team members/ etc.

So let’s not get caught up in the bullshit and let’s figure something out where we can all win. I know I can bring value to this position, and I hope I’ve articulated it well.

I did my best, and I have no regrets on how this process went. I’ll be disappointed if this small thing becomes a dealbreaker and I lose this opportunity, but I have no regrets standing up for my own values and relying on my own principles to guide me.