Stopping at it that time was pure ‘coincidence’.
Hey Hey Govinda
Hey Hey Gopala
Hey Vasudeva
Hey Nityananda
Sri Radhe Radhe Radhe
Radhe Radhe Radhe Shyam
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I’ve thought of this before, but the way we see the word coincidence doesn’t actually make sense to me.
Looking at the prefix for co-, and then the root word ‘incident’, and putting those two together, the given definition of ‘coincident’ doesn’t make sense to me.
Now, of course, I am looking at it through a certain lens. I don’t believe anything happens by chance; I just think we don’t always recognize or perceive the causality.
I think I’ve said this on the forum before but it just came to me again after a long time; I would actually say I believe in coincidence.
I believe that two or more things on different levels are always coming together to make things happen that we perceive on the material level.
Co-creation.
Co-incidence.
Of course, the definition of coincidence as given does have the word ‘apparent’ in there so, that does make sense.
But, saying “Oh yeah, we happened to meet each other here, it was a coincidence.”
I used to say “there are no coincidences.” Now, I say most things are a coincidence.
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I’ve decided to dive more into learning the science behind Buddhist/Sihk/Hindu mantras. I use several of them, but I don’t have the deeper understanding of the words and the vibrations they evoke (or is it invoke?).
At the moment, I’m learning more about the use of Om Ah Hum Vajra Guru Padme/a Siddi Hum
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In other related news, my libido hath a’roaringly returned, lol.
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Had dreams that woke me up so typing in what I remember.
One was about me and one of my adopted brothers. We were living in vans and traveling to different parts of the country, I think running scams.
We were having a talk about childhood and I remember him saying “Yeah, that was back when we used to sexualize everything.”
The other one was about another adopted brother. Maybe it was a part of the same dream. He and I seemed to be stuck in a battle of throwing rocks at each other.
I remember that I would always know beforehand if one of us was gonna hit the other. It got more and more aggressive. There was a lot of dialogue but it slips my mind now, I feel like it was pointed smack talking.
It seemed to do on forever with us chasing each other and I remember he got hella close to hit me with a rock, which enraged me.
I picked him up bodily and rammed his face into a tree, yelling at him, “Get that close again to hit me with a rock.”
Then I woke up 
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30 seconds HS and LB, 7 minutes AsC
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One thing I’ve noticed with Khan Black - and I’ve seen this for awhile, but I’ve been noticing it more - is that the majority of my senses, besides my sight, have been way more sensitive, particularly my hearing and smell.
It’s been almost annoying hearing everything that is going on in the apartment. I can hear discussions happening from my room, with the door closed, all the way in the living room.
It never ceases to surprise my mom when she’s talking about something and I hear her coming down the hall to inform me or ask me about my opinion and I tell her ‘yeah I heard y’all’ or when her and my dad are trying to remember something they were talking about and I mention that ‘I believe that I heard you guys mention this or that date the other day’.
My memory has seen some improvement as well, though that’s more general and hard to really quantify.
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I fixed my dad’s (edit: beard @Trader ) trimmer today. I had needed to give myself a bit of line-up and when I went to go get it, my parents told me that my mom had dropped it and it came apart in the shower, I assume while I was in Vegas.
At first, my first thought was “well, I’ll just gift him another one sometime down the line.”
But then I reason “well damn, I might as well see what I can do with it” so, I took it into my room and went to figuring out.
It took me about an hour but I got it back together.
While I was doing it, I was humming the ‘Hey Govinda’ mantra I shared above, and I just suddenly had the feeling that I could do it.
There were a couple of times when I wanted to give up but, new insights kept coming to me as I was going and I stayed the course.
My mom came into my room while I was doing it and commented that she loves to see me at work, figuring things out. I told her that I would get it back together and she said with the utmost confidence, “Oh, I know you will.”
I got it about 5 minutes after that.
Felt great to get it done.
It has a lot of sentimental value to my dad as it was given to him by his godfather. Plus, it saved my mom future strife of this coming up in arguments, which she commented on herself.
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At first I was picturing a trimmer. As in like a weed eater. I kept reading to figure out why he dropped it in the shower
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Just started watching Suits on Netflix. Well, several hours ago anyway, so I’m several episodes in.
Readers may have noticed that I’m noting random things here. I’m keeping track of things I’m doing that may seem trivial, because I had the inspiration that, my memory works well in recall of certain things, two things in particular that come to mind:
Music I was listening to in a certain time period.
TV shows I’ve watched in a certain time period.
Another one is women that I’ve been talking to in a certain period.
So, when I’m reading back on these posts in some future time, my memory will be more easily jogged by reading certain things.
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So, Khan Black and sustained masturbatory cessation.
My ability to choose not to masturbate has been incredibly boosted.
As I mentioned somewhere here as well as on my previous journal, each consecutive stage of Khan Black caused my sexual desires to wane, for a time. I haven’t masturbated since last year, as I’ve mentioned more than one time here I’m sure.
There’s no real goal in that. No 90 day challenge, not trying to get ‘superpowers’. Just a choice.
I also may have mentioned in one of my journals, likely the last, that I did well with not masturbating and not looking at porn when I started ST1, for about two weeks. It may have been my using it with Wanted Black at the time, but then I started beating it like crazy. Yes, PMO.
This was part of the reason that I chose to stick with ST1 for a few cycles, and the rewards were great.
I would have to look back at that previous journal, but I Believe that with only a few stepbacks during ST2, I finally gained the momentum that allowed me to stop masturbating.
Khan Black has helped to me to cultivate a will.
It hasn’t taken away the temptation to masturbate or the urge to masturbate. I’ve felt it recently just about every night.
But, it has given me the will not to. It has given my reasons not to more appeal than the insidious desire to do so.
Even slightly edging a couple of times, I’ve stopped myself because I already know I’ll be disappointed if I do.
I’ve attempted to paint a picture before of the way my libido feels nowadays, and I have no recollection of what I said and have no desire to try and find it lol.
I guess I could put it as…
An immense flood of deep, passionate essence that previously, I would feel the need to get out in some way. Now, though I’ll feel that strong desire rise, one of the furthest thoughts from my mind generally is masturbating to get it out.
A month or two ago, the desire was to have sex with someone. Even that phase is fading and transitioning into something new.
I’m still working with it and learning to embrace rather than waste it. Over the past couple of days, I’ve been tuning more into it as it comes up and recognizing that the tension that I hadn’t noticed with it could be dealt with in several simple ways, such as realizing I’m breathing rather shallowly at the time.
Simple remedy to breath deeper, no?
But anyway, I’m learning my inner flow more. I’ve been able to quite accurately predict the ‘rise and fall’ of my libido and sense when it was going to be coming and going, as I Even mentioned in my journal a few days ago.
…
Rant over, no real conclusion here, wanted to journal my thoughts.
Summary
Now, I was a part of the NoFap community back near the beginning of it being created on Reddit. I don’t have that reddit account anymore but I’m guessing 7-8 years ago.
I say that to say, I am not an extremist; I’m not not masturbating because I feel like if I do, then that’s a relapse. It’s not ‘evil’ in my opinion.
It’s more of an energetic thing. I have a certain belief about energy; we’re either qualifying energy or misqualifying it.
Sex between a man and a woman qualifies energy. Or, misqualifies it, depending on the consciousness behind the sex on the parts of both parties.
Sex is a balancing act between a man and a woman, in the ideal scenario. The woman and man exchange their respective energetic polarities and balance one another’s energy, in the ideal scenario.
Masturbation does not have the balancing polarity involved and thus, is misqualifying.
Controversial view, perhaps. I’m not inclined to care.
So, I could say that my choice to not masturbate is spiritual but that word is so used and abused that it’s almost as trite as the word ‘love’.
So, I’ll say it’s for my self-betterment.
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My beard is growing way more fully in. I don’t know how to describe facial hair but the right side of my facial hair is becoming more and more symmetrical with the left side on my cheeks and jaw, which used to be a point of annoyance for me.
The hair from my mustache down the side of my lips to my chin is also starting to grow in more completely so maybe one day I’ll actually be able to grow a full goatee.
My chin and whatever the point is between the chin and neck area is called has never really been an issue but even that’s growing through more thickly and evenly now.
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I’ve been considering it and I haven’t made a decision yet, but I’m considering spacing out my plays days from once every other day, perhaps adding another additional day in between.
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Interestingly, I find myself unconsciously modeling some of Harvey Specter’s ‘energetic mannerisms’, as I’ll put it. I have had no and set no intention to model myself after anyone in this world, so at first I found myself quite consciously resisting it.
And then, I started realizing; perhaps I’m not modeling something outside of myself, but expressing something that has been in me. I started considering older journal accounts and it clicked.
Love Bomb.
I haven’t read or listened to the sales page since I read it the first day. But, I’m starting to realize that I suppressed these aspects of myself (self-assuredness, confidence, etc) because I was led to Believe that my expressing them made me something:
An asshole.
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I had a dream about being chased around by a group of cannibals. I should have journaled it when I woke up this morning, I don’t remember much of it.
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30 seconds Khan Black ST4
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1 minute LB, 3 minutes HS
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I’ve had a bit of reconciliation going on over the last 3 days or so over previous relationships. Periods where I’ve felt unwanted, undesirable, and so on.
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Yes I am indeed “liking” the fact that you’re having a tough time with recon. Mwahahahahacacklecacklecough
Kidding. Don’t unfriend me.
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