I’m trying to remind myself that this is simply another form of 'zults lol, a…preliminary form.
Instead of recon imma start telling myself I’m going through ‘prelimination’ xD
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My recon has come in waves over the past few days.
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Though I mentioned that I had recon over the last few days (not so much yesterday, though) each day that I’ve been waking up, my head and feelings are very much light and clear.
I’m going to be running KB ST4 once a week from now on, likely 7 minutes or the full 15, and the rest of the week will be micro loops of HS and LB.
I’ve been having recurring slides back into thoughts of why I wasn’t good enough for certain women, why I’ve been ghosted and other annoying thought patterns.
It is getting better and I think it helps that my practices have centered more on the heart lately.
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3 minutes Love Bomb, 30 seconds Heartsong.
Trying a new pattern of alternating micro loop intervals between the two.
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This stack is bringing up a lot of sadness for me.
I can’t - or rather, haven’t yet - really determined where it is coming from. I haven’t discerned the exact trigger or triggers for it.
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Ah, might as well begin noting it here. I gave 144 repetitions of Om Ah Hum Vajra Guru Padme Siddi Hum today. That’s my first time making it through. My youngest was playing with his toys near me so it wasn’t a totally noise-free environment.
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Each day that I have been waking up, I have felt like more of a weight has been taken from me. The ‘weight’ at times during the day feels like it comes back in some measure but I have been feeling better and better.
It was like being trapped in the rage of a storm, being tumbled this way and that and really just trying to keep my head above water.
That has largely passed. I feel as if I was going through a purging of sorts.
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Started watching Shōgun while I’ve been here in Vegas, visiting my kids.
This show came across my radar awhile ago, just started it yesterday.
I was playing a lot of Ghost of Tsushima at the time and I remember I had turned off my PS4, flipped my TV input to go to Netflix or YouTube or something, to see this show recommended. I don’t have Hulu so it’s nice to get to use someone else’s lol.
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I did my repetitions for today. I didn’t really feel like doing it but I want to build a momentum of doing so, plus I have the place to myself with no kids today so, I figured I might as well take advantage of it.
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I’ve gotta learn to cook, lol. I’ve been getting various ‘signs’ to learn. The primary reason being that I’m tired of relying on other people or spending money that I could be saving on easy/fast food. Another reason being that people keep telling me that women love a man that can cook.
It isn’t that I can’t do it. It’s that I haven’t wanted to do it. Various resistances come up, but it’s usually just the time factor involved. I’ve always reasoned that my girl would cook for me. It worked up to a point, but…
Not having had a steady woman in my life to cook for me for a couple of years now, it’s become more and more apparent to me that I need to get my culinaries up.
Another reason being that I’m a dad and if I don’t have people around to make food for my kids, they’re not going to have a very good diet with me around 
My ex just told me, “How are you ever gonna find a wife if you can’t cook?”
I was like, “Well she’s gonna cook for me, duh, fukumean?”
After I got off the phone with her though, I started realizing… Maybe not. Not that I can’t find a woman more than happy to do so, but NOT wanting to be reliant on her or anyone else for such a basic part of life.
As I came on here to muse this out in a journal entry, Hulu went onto an advertisement with freaking cooking ware, and then the next advertisement was about preparing meals.
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Started cooking for lunchboxes this week, it’s been fun! Exploring what non-rice things can be added into the rice cooker, and what to omelettes. Thinking of returning to baking too.
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How are you now?
Better 
each day it has only been improving. Right before I came on here, I felt a burst of optimism. It felt like a beam going through my heart for a split second.
Thanks for asking.
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“By replacing fear of the unknown with curiosity we open ourselves up to an infinite stream of possibility. We can let fear rule our lives or we can become childlike with curiosity, pushing our boundaries, leaping out of our comfort zones, and accepting what life puts before us.”
-Alan Watts
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3 minutes Heartsong, 30 seconds LB, 7 minutes AsC
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33 reps - Om Ah Hum Vajra Guru Padme Siddhi Hum
Did a Clearing of the Heart invocation for the first time in awhile.
I also did an invocation for healing the emotional body.
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Just got to the bus terminal for my ride back to California.
I wanted to get here early so I could do at least one invocation, but when I got here, I saw a woman struggling with baggage and hopped over to help her.
Another woman saw us walking and stopped to help and we brought all of her stuff over to the main building.
After we ensured that the woman was settled, I told her to take care of herself and as me and the other lady were walking away, she started getting teary.
She said, “I just wanna give you something for what you did. I’m a teacher, and it’s so much for me to see a young person helping out someone else, the way you did.”
I was running through my head what she might be talking about giving me and glanced at her hand and saw a very crisp bill that looked suspiciously like a Benjamin Franklin.
I looked at her with some shock and was like, “Are you sure?”
She said yeah, she won big last night, she wanted to reward me for taking care of the elderly.
Old me would have insisted nah it’s okay. Current me needs money at the moment and took it as a blessing.
$100 for 2-3 minutes of kindness.
Love Bomb, methinks.
Edit: As I was leaving to go to my bus just now, I said goodbye to the woman I was helping and made eye contact with a woman that had on a Benjamin Franklin shirt that said “Money Talks”
Levels.
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Gainz
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What was interesting to me about it too was that it just felt natural to me to do, whereas other people were looking at me strangely helping her, and the fact that the woman thought it was so amazing.
I often forget how callous people generally are.
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