Going through my typical rest period combined with feelings that everything is too much and it’s all too late. My stack is the perfect mixture of growth, but that’s precisely why it’s so damn difficult right now.
RoM has me questioning everything, I used to think anxiety was in the way and it just blocked some sort of golden version of myself sitting beneath the surface. I think the truth has been much harder to swallow. That I didn’t exactly have healthy development as a person. That now is the time to explore myself more and understand who I am. There’s no reaching back for answers because there’s nothing to reach back to. That was always the loop I got stuck in. At the same time expanding outward, meeting other people, doing things out in the world is insanely difficult for me. So it’s been frustrating. How is just exploring yourself, doing enjoyable stuff, or living life anxiety provoking? Idk but it is. The worst part is I need to explore for MYSELF, it shouldn’t be stressful and it shouldn’t be in the context of doing things right just to feel better. It shouldn’t be about “correcting” myself but somehow that’s always what I end up with. More obligations vs true self exploration. Just going through a lot right now
WANTED has been helping with my self image and confidence. But the perceived hole and overall feeling of lack of identity has me not really pursuing anything with anyone. I bounce back and forth between thinking I can get involved with someone and not even wanting to entertain the idea/extreme apathy towards it. I don’t think it’s non-neediness or security causing me to act that way. I think it’s just the avoidant tendencies getting the best of me. At least I’m not having delusional thinking like I did in the past. Where I mistook the avoidance for some kind of mastery in relationship dynamics. It’s easy to wax poetic on a forum and have some elaborate fantasy in my head of why I really don’t interact with women vs reality. I’m not gonna pretend that I’m killing it in that department or try to hype myself up. I’ve got way too many hangups to try and gloss over it with pep talk. I actually really hate running this sub sometimes. I want to do the exact opposite of what it’s trying to get me to do. Internally yeah it’s helped a lot. Not as much body dysmorphia and feeling more attractive. A lot of the masculine qualities and assertiveness that’s come from it too. I won’t deny results, but I’m definitely omitting part of the script.
Ultimate Artist. Well I’m also challenging a lot of deeply held beliefs on worth through this sub. Music was the only thing that gave my life purpose for a while and I thought that was passion so I would cling onto it. But turns out that was me clutching at something to push away the deeper stuff that had my self worth in pieces to begin with. So I’m redefining my relationship with music which has been difficult. A lot of the defensive beliefs I had about it and my work was born out of protecting my self worth at the expense of the growth of my art. So yeah it’s been rough.
Overall it just seems like all 3 are hitting heavy pain points and I’m not sure they’re as collaborative as I imagined them to be with how much I have to reconcile. I feel like I need at least one title in here that’s smooth sailing with limited recon, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe just dropping RoM for now and grabbing something else. I need to expand outward more, not inward. Getting pulled inside is how I always end up in this existential mess.
