RoM+UA+Wanted Another Journey to Find Myself

[Fractal_Explorer]

@Malkuth

I think one important thing for you may be to invest more time into paying attention to what’s happening inside of other people. Like just treat it as a fun Sherlock Holmes or bird-watching project. Your mind’s biases seems to naturally focus on and to over-emphasize what’s happening inside of you. (That’s actually healthy and normal, but combined with other factors it seems to have become too one-sided.) As a result those details (about yourself, your deficiencies, your struggles) are inflated and magnified.

So maybe RoM wasn’t the best call lol. I hear you on this. I think my issue is in order to observe what’s happening inside of other people I actually have to be around people more. But any type of relationship is difficult for me right now…

@Malkuth

The end result is that in your Picture of the World, you are drawn as a detailed human being, in 3D with textures and depth. Other people, in contrast, are more like cartoons. Flatter, less detail. So, it’s like you describe yourself with all of these problems, but you also see yourself as much more detailed, realistic, and, let’s be honest, interesting, than others. In contrast, you see others as not having these problems, though at the same time your views of them may be suspiciously simplistic.

That is generally how I perceive people I don’t know that well. They’re like a silhouette and I can observe their behavior or actions, but it’s all speculation until I talk to them. Eventually there’s a more detailed map. But for whatever reason I can’t apply that to everyone by default. Maybe a defense mechanism? I’m not really sure. Do most people really view others as fully fleshed out individuals if they don’t really know them?

You make a lot of good points. It definitely is the self awareness. But it’s also a nice combo platter of emotional neglect that has made me feel like I’m not supposed to be this way around anyone.

These subliminals khan, wanted, emperor, ascension, they work on insecurities and such. But I feel like I take it too far sometimes. Like where’s the line between self improvement vs being unable to accept on an emotional level that I’m a human being that’s inherently flawed. I don’t mean that in a negative way. I mean that there will always be insecurities showing, troubling emotions, bad decisions made, and that’s fine. But it’s not fine to me and I don’t know how to deal with that. I guess I thought I could by reaching some mythical state running these subs that likely doesn’t even exist except as a projection to escape emotional pain.

That was a brain dump, but anyway always appreciate the support and the outside perspective. I’m sure it will give my subconscious something to chew on the next few days.

[Fractal_Explorer]

So I am still doing micro loops. What’s interesting is even with microloops I’m finding the recommended listening schedule is still too much. So I’m adding one more rest day between listening. I noticed this past week a lot of spelling mistakes, words omitted from sentences, and a general worry that my work emails were incomprehensible without going over them with a fine tooth comb. In short, overexposure.

But my eternal struggle is not being able to wrap my head around how so few loops during the week could work. And now with micro loops I feel like I’m really cutting back on overall processing. But I’ve noticed I’m sort of desperate to run the loops sometimes and don’t have faith in myself to execute when not running them. That has to change. I’m externalizing things and looking forward to the listening as a sort of last resort to bump me into what I want. But that’s never gonna work because ultimately these changes come from within me.

It’s a clashing of self sufficiency and that chronic fantasy when I was younger to find something that would “fix” me. But there is no real “fix”. Looking for the fix is what perpetuated the pain because I got deeper and deeper into suppressing my emotions and denying my humanity. I like these subs and they’ve been immensely helpful. But if I were to lose them or stop, I’m genuinely afraid of things. That’s how little comfort I have in my own personal power. It’s good I have them, but to some degree I feel my relationship with them isn’t healthy.

[Solomon]

@RVconsultant

I’m convinced women when on those dating apps are more critical and rejecting… Uh, I mean selective… when browsing. In person face-to-face, that same woman who blew you off online might be much more open to liking you.

This has to do with the vibe and energy for sure. You can’t really feel that through a screen. That “I don’t know why, but he has something” disappears and we are just fully focused on looks. For us, as men, that’s less of a problem, but I think dating apps for females are the worst because they react to emotions. You can’t feel any emotions on an app. Maybe I’m a bit biased here, I’m just strongly against artificial contact. Even things like zoom and teams. Go meet up, be a human, and see each other in real time when you live in the same city.

[Beowulf]

@Solomon

Maybe I’m a bit biased here, I’m just strongly against artificial contact. Even things like zoom and teams. Go meet up, be a human, and see each other in real time when you live in the same city.

I don’t personally use dating apps and I generally agree with this but I find it interesting how my experience is so different from this. I had the most beautiful, indescribable, deep relationship with a woman online even though we never met for years and my current relationship is only online/long-distance and I feel it’s pretty much the same. And the funny thing is that my current partner said if she met me on the street she would never have been interested in me because of how I look .

@Solomon

This has to do with the vibe and energy for sure. You can’t really feel that through a screen. That “I don’t know why, but he has something” disappears and we are just fully focused on looks. For us, as men, that’s less of a problem, but I think dating apps for females are the worst because they react to emotions. You can’t feel any emotions on an app

You’re right. Dating apps basically commodify yourself as a product for consumption. It loses all the human touch. When you’re swiping left or right mindlessly with no “cost”, you basically only look for the highest quality “product” since you lose nothing. Naturally when you have hundreds of different products, you choose what stands out the most, which is looks, height, income, etc. In real life this doesn’t happen, you actually get to know more intrinsic qualities of a person that makes them suitable for you that can’t be captured on a screen.

Like how when we’re single, we tend to have a list of preferences. But then we meet somebody and get to know them, while they don’t really fit what we wanted before we over time realize they’re perfect for us. You’ll never get that with dating apps because you would have disqualified someone/be disqualified before that happens.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Alright no more messing about with experimentation. Back to 3 minute loops and back to headphones on low volume. I don’t know what micro loops do for me yet, but I’m beginning to suspect they bring up a lot more recon for me and it’s a bit unpredictable. I need structure and stability as far as growth goes, not messing around with experiments.

I was thinking today I need to slow down time. Everything is the same, there isn’t enough variation in my life. My brain is chunking everything together. I’m afraid because I don’t want this. I’ve been blocking everything out and pushing ahead and now it’s like surprise that was also dysfunctional behavior. So now I’m trying to be present with myself and it’s been tough.

At my last therapy session we started talking about things in life I care about or enjoy besides music. And I have to say it hurt a lot realizing I don’t care about much of anything else. Not so much a reflection of me as a person, but the pain of having trouble experiencing life fully. And then also shoving it aside as non important and auto piloting about 90% of my life.

It just leaves me with that fearful question, is this ever going to feel ok? That’s the anxiety that haunts me because I have a long history of doing my best but still hurting.

[Fractal_Explorer]

3 minute loop of RoM straightened me out. Pulled me out of the deep spiral I was falling into. Working on self regulating more. I notice I have one small thought that causes a chain reaction of bad stuff. Keeping myself elevated when I feel a disaster is around the corner is tough.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Recent track I finished. Decided to just render it out even though the mix has some things I’m not too sure about. But I’ve definitely killed tracks in the past going over them too many times so I figured I’d let this one go.

Chances

[Fractal_Explorer]

I was debating if I should drop RoM. Maybe 3 subs are too much. But then I realized I’m uncovering more of myself these past few weeks than I have in months and I guess that scares the shit out of some part of me. So instead of quitting I have to figure out how to integrate because running from myself won’t get me anywhere.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Aaaaand another “I should choose another program” recon popping up. This time thinking about swapping WANTED for Ascension. I’m still going to stick with WANTED though. It does have confidence scripting in it, I’m just going to put in a ticket asking about how thorough it is to put my mind at ease.

I’ve just had a lot of thoughts on my mind lately. Had a migraine the other day that messed me up. The wonderful depression and dark thoughts that come after that when my brain is still rebooting from the pain. But some thoughts I’ve had on my mind.

There’s circumstances you can control and circumstances you can’t. Reflecting on when I was growing up as a teenager I’m pretty pissed off how I was almost coerced into financial debt. I dodged that by following my intuition, I know some people weren’t as lucky. So I couldn’t control the rising cost of tuition for college or the job market, but I could control how I responded to it to some degree. And now I’m dealing with unraveling the same indoctrination when it comes to jobs. “Do a good job and someone will see your efforts”, that’s what I was told growing up. A good job isn’t worth shit without self respect behind it, which is what I lack.

I NEED freedom. I can’t live like this anymore. But I don’t know how to calibrate myself. I’m either people pleasing or ready to flip someone off or tell them to go fuck themselves when they piss me off. Guess what? Neither of those communicate the right message. But I’ll be damned if I get treated like a door mat. Already had quite a few events coming up at my job where people start doing it and I don’t know if they don’t realize it or just want to push their plate off onto mine. But I’m not dealing with that shit anymore. They are testing my patience SEVERELY. And I believe this is more of a trauma response than alpha scripting because I hate when people start getting assertive with me, it instantly puts me into fight mode.

So yeah idk. I don’t know what to do anymore. If I let myself go, fully unleash the anger zero consequences I’m just gonna start flying off the handle and getting in rage loops. That’s not the answer. But this yo yo ing of emotions is getting old very fast.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Gaaaaah will see what support says. I feel like if ditch WANTED I’m a quitter. But at the same time I don’t want to spend time running a sub where i don’t execute 90% of the script and I could be using that energy for more improvements. On the other hand if I stick it out maybe I’ll bust past these blockages. I guess i really need to know if WANTED has my back in areas outside of sexual./romantic stuff or if I should grab something else.

[Fractal_Explorer]

I’ve been finding myself thinking of esoteric teachings more and seeing how I can bridge the gap into modern day living/discoveries. I really dislike most modern day teachers. There’s almost too much self importance tied up in the teachers themselves. Seminars, books, videos, etc. Yeah I get it you want to help people and be paid for that. But how much self mastery and control over your universe do you truly have if you’re dependent on individuals trying to attain the same? Where would you be if nobody bought these products? There’s a bit of artificial inflation on the results of the teachings there because they’re propped up on a pedestal. I like cutting through the bs. It either works or it doesn’t. Give me the info and let me figure it out myself. Problem is finding high quality sources of info that aren’t distorted.

[Fractal_Explorer]

WANTED definitely has me looking better. But damn if I don’t still feel like I’m just a massive pretender. I guess that’s normal when you transition out of a former self perception of yourself. But it’s still really unnatural for me.

Mysterious, complicated, imperfect? That was me before WANTED so can’t I just use that to present myself as more attractive lol? Why can’t I just be an imperfect sexy mofo and it call it a day? Seems like the only person who really cares about the microscopic stuff is me.

[Fractal_Explorer]

So at my job we’re getting more people onboarded to my team. Great news. Some of these resumes I’m reviewing, they know more stuff than me. But I’m basically their manager. How I even ended up in this position I don’t know, I didn’t set out to manage other people. But I’m having some serious difficulties accepting a position “higher up” and being a leader when technically I’m not as proficient skill wise.

I’ve been in so much niche stuff for the past 5 years at this company, my general IT skills stagnated. And now we’re doing less work in that niche so I don’t know where that leaves me tbh.

I have to do interviews soon and screen applicants. I need the WANTED nonchalance to kick in hard because I’m having some massive anxiety over this whole thing. Shit man I still feel like an ignorant kid playing pretend adult at a company. I’ll say this though I’m very unconventional, I don’t put on a “professional” image or try to appear some way. I’m just real with people, so I’ll do my best to communicate that.

Seriously how did I end up landing in a position of leadership without intentionally going after it? It’s like I was nominated.

[Fractal_Explorer]

At my therapy session the other day my therapist asked me what I wanted out of it. I didn’t have a direct answer. But she basically helped me work through the fact that I’ve just stuffed down all my emotions just to survive. So we’re working on processing stuff that blocks emotional expression.

Trying to figure out what I want out of life is incredibly difficult if there’s a lack of continuity in my emotions. So starting there is way more important for almost everything in my life.

This ties in with my difficulty with subs sometimes. The recon is there, the emotional processing needs to be done, and I just shove it away and act like it’s something standing in the way vs a gateway to growth. But that’s how I’ve handled emotions for a large portion of my life. I’ve tried meditation and mindfulness and stuff, but I don’t like it. There’s too much stuff there I can’t be alone with. I caused a lot of damage when I was younger with full on dissociative episodes because I thought if I just sat with things long enough they would resolve. But they just amplified and I didn’t know how to ground myself.

Harsh truths I guess. I used to think I was great at emotional regulation. Turns out yeah youre pretty good at managing emotions when you shut them down entirely lol.

[Solomon]

@Fractal_Explorer

How I even ended up in this position I don’t know, I didn’t set out to manage other people. But I’m having some serious difficulties accepting a position “higher up” and being a leader when technically I’m not as proficient skill wise.

To be fair, being a good manager has nothing to do (well almost nothing) with how proficient you are at your job. I think this is why it goes wrong in most management functions. Somebody is good at his job, he gets a raise and becomes a manager. Being a good manager needs a completely different set of skills than being a great employee. Of course, you need to know something, but why should you know more? You are here to help them, assist them, and push them to become better. I think it’s good that they are more proficient in their skill than you, that means you can trust them to really make something good out of it.

A good manager is somebody that trusts his team and gives adjustments when needed. I would recommend studying management styles and reading books about it (Extreme ownership is the first book that pops up in my head).

I remember one of the best managers I had when working for a gym. He had less knowledge about training, muscles, and food than the trainers, but he was a great people manager and he knew where to put his people so that they would excel at their jobs. That’s what makes a great manager.

Don’t doubt yourself to much, you are in that position for a reason

[Fractal_Explorer]

Thanks. Yeah it’s a massive shift in what I’m used to. Not at all what my skill set was built up towards. You’re right though, upward progression is always management for some reason. Flying solo here for a few years though I guess I was my own manager in a way. I mean I do have someone above me, but he trusted me enough to not micro manage and let me do my own thing. So that’s gotta mean something as far as my own abilities go.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Found myself thinking about my own music on my drive home today. Actually was listening to this. Something that always gets me hype about tracks like this. The coming up from nothing stories. They want something and they go at it 100%.

Joey Bada$$ - Waves

I was like, you know what if I don’t have an innate gift? What if there’s nothing special to me? Then I thought to myself it doesn’t matter. If I did have talent, if I did have a gift, if I was somehow graced with some ability it sure as shit didn’t show up in my life in any way. I work hard at my stuff, the results don’t always show but I know I’m putting in the work. So I don’t have to be afraid anymore of not having a gift for music because it doesn’t matter. Progress happens regardless if I have some defining factor that sets me apart as a musician.

Now that it’s no longer hanging over my head I can be brutally honest with my stuff vs dodging the real stuff that will help me grow as an artist. I think creativity and artistry are flexible and dynamic and can be improved like any other skill. We’ve just got so much trash beliefs circulating in our minds that “only the special ones make it”. Nah screw that. I refuse to believe that.

[Fractal_Explorer]

You know when you realize something and try to hold onto it? But then it feels like you’re pushing against another force coming up? I guess with my realizations I treat them as an end of a book vs the first chapter of a new one. Meaning the realization hits and that’s the start of a new pattern, not necessarily the old one going away permanently.

I’m working on some templates for my MPC1000 today so I can get right into songwriting. I still have trouble sitting down and just banging something out. It feels like there’s definitely less blocks there, but I still have to overcome a lot of past frustrations and expectations.

I’ve always been really good at compartmentalizing just to get on with life. But you reach a certain age and your mind starts pushing back on that. That’s where I’m at. I’m trying to learn how to communicate with my mind to get things done vs running on stress and suppression. I’m not used to it. It requires more patience and isn’t as immediate as whipping myself, but ultimately my energy levels feel way better because I’m not fighting. The emergency override was necessary at some stage in my life, but I’m safe now so I need to calm down and connect with myself more.

And damn I can’t tell if it was switching to 3 minute loops that has me feeling better or if the older UA was causing some serious recon. Maybe a combo of both. I also started taking an L-Theanine supplement which has leveled out more chronic anxiety that lets me think straight. Also quit coffee, again. So yeah a lot of factors, but the important thing is I’m doing better.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Something I thought of today. Whenever guys have trouble getting attention from women people are always like “dress nicer” or some advice like that. But clothing just enhances what’s already there. Like if we lived in a world without clothes what would be the determining factor? Clothes are the icing on the cake. You can take an absolute bombshell of a woman, dress her in jeans and a t-shirt and guys would still find her attractive. Hell some guys find that MORE attractive. Same with dudes. I have to laugh because some “fashion” nowdays for men is the average blue collar worker look which i find hilarious. Trying to be perceived as rugged without actually living the lifestyle.

But anyway obviously don’t dress like a slob, but I don’t think clothing is the make or break people often parrot. People have a tendency to rationalize why something looks good and fail to realize the frame or person that it’s on. It’s not the clothes.

Point being, I wear what I want and what I’m comfortable in. I’m expanding my style, but I’m not sweating it as much as I did before. Running WANTED I’ve felt this need to redefine myself and all this other stuff and once again it was really just me trying to distance myself from myself by being something else. I think this is where the unfolding of RoM comes in, discovering and integrating parts of myself that have been missing vs trying to artificially impose some ideas from the outside.

On that note WANTED definitely feels like it’s ramping up in the rogue like behavior. Being more relaxed, throwing social hierarchies out the window, not playing games, gaining more of an eye to eye level with humans regardless of status. I’m gonna irritate someone one of these days, I know it but that’s their problem. It’s inevitable. I’m not a dick, but I’m not bending as easily as I used to. I used to try really hard not to upset anyone because if their perception of me was incredibly poor that’s what I mirrored back to myself.

It’s wild to me how just establishing firm boundaries and being more assertive feels like I’m on some warpath with people. But I’m not shouting or losing my cool or blowing up, it’s just really weird doing all this without a feeling of guilt or something. Like it’s somehow bad and I shouldn’t and I’m a bad person. But I have to get over those hangups if I want full control of my life

[Fractal_Explorer]

Wanted today then 5 days of rest. Might have to review loop usage. Despite making good progress and these breakthroughs mentally, physically it’s hard to get stuff done. Noticed at work I’m making spelling mistakes and not catching them. Like not even seeing them or if I do I have to focus really hard on what I’m writing. I’m also noticing I have to really push myself to get basic things done like cooking or cleaning which stresses me out more. Find myself actually physically gritting my teeth to will my body to move.

So maybe when I get back to it adding an additional day of rest in between loops. Also listening before bed has been way better for me. Using these subs then going about my day usually has my mood too dysregulated.

One day I’ll figure out my loops schedule.