RoM+UA+Wanted Another Journey to Find Myself

Setting up this journal ahead of time.

New stack is RoM, UA, and Wanted.

I’ve come to learn I don’t feel I have a purpose in life because I consider myself insignificant. More specifically I don’t have a strong connection to my needs, wants, or desires.

I’ve kind of been running subs over the years grasping at straws trying to convince myself the goals were what I really wanted. But it always felt forced. Like I was trying to achieve some outer goals to just justify my existence vs having everything flow out from the internal.

Hoping that RoM helps me connect with my subconscious more and things become clearer. I don’t think all my goals have been a mistake, but there’s a lack of clarity and focus as well as doubts. It’s hard to have any sort of direction in life if you can’t even connect with yourself to know. I’ve basically spent most my life shoving away how I felt just to function in the world and I’m tired of it.

Confusion mostly these days because everything I did in the past was someone else’s agenda or influence, never my own. So it’s a bit odd being at a point having lived to 31 and realizing I don’t even know myself.

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wicked stack, I like reading your journals lol

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Very well articulated. The genesis of your growth is doing something to combat the state of stagnation. Power through self-overcoming. Was there a point in your life where you felt great ambition and had big, wild dreams?

@elementary_vision

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I can’t say I’ve ever had that. I thought I did, but it turns out it was a coping mechanism for a severe lack of self worth. I’m hoping to find some kind of inner spark with this stack. I know making music is part of it, but I don’t have the whole picture yet. Maybe it’s there, just hidden. I’ve been detached for most of my life, a lot of my future growth is about reconnecting with myself.

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You will get there, and wow. It just makes me realize how much of a privilege even having something intangible like ambition is, and yet so much is taken for granted.

You deserve the good life though. Even if it’s a preview to get that vision etched into your psyche to fuel that ambition.

Look forward to seeing the journey. Will turn on notifications for this thread.

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So I put in a support ticket about listening to 3 titles all in one go but haven’t heard back. That’s what I did tonight. 15 minutes for each title. I haven’t done 15 minutes in forever. I figured better to maximize rest days by listening all in one day and taking the whole week off. We’ll see how this goes.

First impression of RoM during the listening time. I felt my mind quiet and I could connect with myself more. After a few minutes my body felt like it was releasing emotions. But once I was done listening that initial effect faded. I have to say that’s what I miss about about longer ZP listening sessions. I don’t even meditate, it’s like I just get pulled into this state of being where i feel closer to the goals of the sub I’m running. 3 or 5 minute listening isn’t enough to hit that state. Now I’m starting to wonder if I need 15 minutes to hit a threshold point. So many questions.

Been a few minutes and everything is settling from my loops. RoM definitely feels like the buzzing is gone in my head. Similar to when I used to take Ritalin. Might actually help me get to sleep tonight.

That’s about it. ZP is definitely still a mystery for me in terms of the best listening schedule and loop length so I’m still figuring that one out.

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Funny thing with Wanted. I went from “I don’t really care about women being attracted to me” → “I have a lot of insecurities and neediness about women being attracted to me” → “I feel like I don’t really care about getting attention from women”.

So the thing is I still have a lot of confidence issues. It’s not like I’ve got women banging down my door. But it’s gotten to the point where I’m like “do I even want to run wanted?”. And the answer is yes I do, but I know this is a transition point. The neediness and insecurities need to drop, then eventually I get the manifestations and start enjoying what I’m setting out to do. I’m just at an awkward stage because I’m taking on the mindset of non neediness and being the prize without it actually being apparent in my reality.

I think there are stepping stones with these subs for me and I have to hang around one area and get used to it a bit before moving on. It sort of plateaus, but not really. It’s easy to make the mistake of jumping to another sub at this stage because it’s a false representation of achieving goals.

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Oh putting this here too. Running 15 minutes knocked me out last night. I was already pretty exhausted from my day, but after the loops settled it was like the windows shutdown sound and I was out like a light.

This morning I don’t want to say it was recon, more like processing spilling over from the night into the morning. There’s a point in time waking up from sleep my guard comes back up and I’m less receptive to allowing emotions. It’s really odd, I don’t think it’s my conscious mind interfering or maybe it is.

The question is, who’s really holding back who here? Is it deep subconscious fears? Or is it the conscious mind having a stranglehold on keeping things the same? Or more likely it’s a mix of both. A deep longing for change, another part that needs consistency due to past traumas, and another part that wants to fire off ahead ignoring everyone else. I think more and more my inner work is going to lean towards communication with all these separate parts in me. I have a tendency to route my entire life experiences through one part at any given time vs a flow between all of them.

Imagine rapidly shifting between different parts of yourself depending on the context of what’s going on, but you don’t perceive it. But that part is stuck in time with a very very narrow representation of reality. And some of these parts are under the assumption they have to do EVERYTHING, that they are the one true conscious being and the main character in life. That’s been most of my life. And the more I fought for “control” the more I just upset other parts vs working with them.

There’s a theory that most people operate like this, but it just works really well so they don’t consciously perceive it. When your life is dysfunctional it becomes more apparent because it’s a constant tug of war between who’s in the driver’s seat making life decisions.

Sat down at my MPC1000 to keep working on a track which I haven’t touched music in a few weeks. Damn right arrow is acting up on me, completely kills the mood.

2023 is the year I get my shit together in terms of my music workflow. Every little inconvenience adds up in my mind to “nah we’re not doing that”. It has to be SEAMLESS. My mind is incredibly temperamental when it hits the slightest deviation.

Among that list.

  1. Fixing the keybed on this 80s digital synth. A select few keys just don’t work
  2. MPC 1000 button and tact switch replacement, make this thing good as new
  3. Get that same 80s synth setup for sequencing so it doesn’t play sounds on top of the sounds I’m triggering in my other synth
  4. Figure out my godawful desk organization of my music gear
  5. Get a cheap foot pedal to trigger recording so I’m not racing from pressing record on the MPC to my keyboard and missing the count in.
  6. Start writing this stuff down in Notion so I don’t forget everything I’m typing out now lol

I absolutely hate making music inside computers so I went all hardware and outboard. But I still haven’t tightened up my workflow and part of my struggle with writing is getting past the initial hurdle of my brain going “seems awfully messy, let’s not bother with that convoluted process”

Truthfully I dedicate so much willpower to keeping on top of my job and routine I have 0 energy for actual projects in my own personal life. And no wonder I’m miserable most of the time I’m pretty much not doing anything in my own personal time except existing and recovering from the daily grind.

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Gonna be spamming the hell out of my journal.

RoM is pulling up stuff about Wanted that is so friggin weird. Like me being the sexiest version of myself and then feeling bad about it. How it’s unfair to be more attractive than someone else. Idk man, I do this with a lot of stuff. Nerf my own potential because someone else has it worse or is disadvantaged.

The irony being I’ve been that guy my whole life. At one point I never even left my house growing up. Legit agoraphobic and I didn’t even realize it because of all the mental gymnastics in my head. So I lost a lot of time when I was younger, a lot. I’m sure someone looking at me would have seen a very very depressed withdrawn person barely existing.

So where I’m at now I don’t want to impose limits on myself because I’ve lived enough of a limited life. I need to make up for lost time and pain. I’m different. I’ve seen the lowest of lows in myself and I’ve seen how high I can keep going. In a way that gives me perspective on how malleable our own impression of reality is. And I’ll be damned if my enjoyment of life gets stifled due to outside individuals thinking they can impose their will on me.

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I was grocery shopping yesterday and rounded the corner. Almost bumped into this 14 year old girl, but she surprised the crap out of me. What’s funny though is she just stood there frozen deer in headlights look when I made eye contact. Obviously not the age group I want to target lol. But I’ve never had an experience like that from subs. I just remember thinking to myself “that was a really weird reaction”.

Had a dream last night of seducing not one but 2 icelandic women in a hot tub. Now that one was really random. Why icelandic women? Lol. Never even been there. I live in America, but I have Norwegian blood in me. Possible old ancestral DNA making itself present through the subconscious? Idk. But for my past two runs of wanted I never had such strong dreams.

Maybe I’ve finally found a listening schedule that works for me. Will see how the rest of my week goes.

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Well, your subconscious mind has good taste. Nordic women are absolutely stunning :joy:

I think Wanted is working perfectly for you.

Yeah, this will change after the first “Cold approach” so to say. If you take a bit of action by approaching a woman in real-time/online and have your first date and it goes well, that insecurity disappears really fast. Most of it is just built up from the lack of experience with women in combination with failed experiences.

I’m interested in how this will develop in you. I like how u use Wanted right now. As some sort of self-discovery/development style way of applying the script.

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Haha I am very interested to see how my preferences unfold. I actually just realized the other day I don’t have a “type”.

100% what it is. I’m still sort of disarming those knee jerk reactions that make it hard to connect with them. Still got some behaviors working against me that don’t make it flow as smoothly when I interact.

Wanted is such a good program. Its got the physical shifting, but it builds authenticity too. What really had me gravitate to it was the objectives for the internal benefits. Lots of good stuff in there that blasts away at being a perfectionist which is what I’ve struggled with for a lot of my life.

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Today I realized why it’s so important for me to figure out a good listening schedule. I notice when I wake up in the morning the recon is a lot heavier which tells me I’m processing a lot in my sleep. It gets better as the day goes on, but that could easily lead me to listening to my stack again and bring on overexposure. I think it’s important to have an accurate representation for myself of just how much is being processed in my mind.

To make things even more interesting it seems like my listening experiment is following the same pattern of when ZP really starts digging in deeper. That’s usually 3 days after the initial listening. I still don’t fully understand why it takes 3 days before the heavier processing comes in but it seems to be a really common trend.

Still feels wrong not having a more consistent listening schedule, but so far it feels like it gives me the bandwidth to actually process the sub vs the overwhelmed state I used to get a lot.

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So authentic that it led me to tell my parents that I won’t be doing church anymore.

It was a massive step since I finally had the guts to admit it. And am till today glad to have done so. Saved me a lot of time from going places that I didn’t want to go to.

Am sure you will have similar experiences that you will be surprised that you stayed true to yourself come what may.

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Yeah and RoM mixed with it is like an extra boost of authenticity. Such a good stack, can’t wait to see where it goes.

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Hell yeah! Authentic AND purposeful. A deadly combo.

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Here might be some inspiration:

Soviet wave (I think from the 1980s):

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Thanks! This is good stuff. Definitely will be finding inspiration from Soviet Wave.

Part 2 of wanted realizations. For the past few years clothing has been a form of utility just so I’m not walking around naked lol. There’s never been a cohesive style or unity to anything. That’s mostly because clothing is a form of expression and for a long time now I’ve been incapable of expressing myself except through music. But now I’m getting the urge to explore and find my own style.

I’ve always admired punk/alternative fashion but never had the balls to take a dive into it. At the same time it has to be unique to me not just following trends. Bits and pieces of influence here and there for what I like molded into my own style. Big issue with that at the moment is I don’t actually know what I like. It’s just weird to go most your life without a strong preference for anything. And of course I’d be starting from 0 building out my wardrobe.

I’m trying not to make this a bigger deal than it is. Just pick out clothing I actually like, how fucking hard is that? But for whatever reason it is.

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