Here you go, @Fractal_Explorer
I just came across this:
‘Intelligent’ Drum & Bass - Selected Works Part 2 (1994-2000)
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Damn recon keeps climbing. Hopefully it clears out by Friday. I think I’ll definitely be dropping to 10 minute loops and see how I do on that.
It’s manageable right now. I have to put in some extra focus in my day to day to not get consumed by it. But I feel the doubts creeping in, the worry, the agitation, this sort of sad nauseous feeling. Struggling to do anything at the end of my day due to lack of energy.
Further proof I can’t gauge loop length requirements until at least 3 days out. I’m trying to make this the year where I don’t bully myself into change. It’s really easy for me to put myself through emotional hell and then dissociate. It’s much harder to treat myself with kindness and understanding, scale things back, and stop giving myself all or nothing metrics to hit.
Still this is much better than my usual overexposure habits. I’m getting there. It’s just always that doubt in the back of my head “am I doing enough?”
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Another thought here. Maybe my initial good feelings were a sort of preview of what ZP could help me with. Now I’m entering the phase of it mixing with other parts of myself that need to reconcile that new identity. The first initial listening probably only hit the more surface level behaviors and as the processing days go on it gets deeper.
A lot of what’s been coming up these past two days feels like adjusting to the really drastic shift in thoughts and behaviors I had. Parts of me going “no that’s not you because of xyz”. Wanted had me feeling good about myself. It’s always tempting to keep listening again to hang onto that feeling. But I have to let it shift into what it needs to do in my mind to gain permanence.
If these ideas that were initially presented are causing this much recon, it means deep down I have to work out what prevents me from embodying those ideas.
But still seems like a little too much to handle on a weekly basis so I’ll be dropping the loop length. Really really need to break this habit of enduring recon in hopes of better results.
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Man oh man this is not how I envisioned my week going after the initial positive stuff I experienced.
All the insecurities are coming out. I matched with 2 women I’m talking to now and it’s going like most interactions of mine. Severe blocks in communication.
Part of why I’m feeling like crap. Just analyzing my whole life. Despite having a job and being an adult, I’m not feeling it. I had mentioned a lot of my life was spent stuck inside. I was messed up well into my twenties living at home still. Despite now being independent, I don’t feel it. I feel like a kid playing an adult and someone is still looking after me, but they aren’t. It’s the weirdest thing.
All in all do I feel more attractive in my looks? Definitely. But as an entire person? Not really. So while I might get initial interest therein lies the anxiety of not being congruent with what I’m projecting outward.
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Normally I don’t post this much anymore but RoM has my brain firing on all cylinders for figuring out the puzzle that is my life.
Combined with Wanted, it’s made me realize I’m not the man I want to be. But becoming that person isn’t about superficial changes to my looks or how I present myself. Don’t get me wrong it’s part of it, I haven’t exactly advertised myself as being sexy and desirable throughout my life but there’s a reason for that. Trying to force that stage without going through the deeper necessary change just results in backlash.
In a way how I’ve presented myself over the years was a sort of camouflage. I wanted to be invisible, even though I was looking for attention. Talk about incongruence.
But anyway my point is, a lot of the brutal recon I was getting this past week was me expecting some grandiose changes and flipping into an entirely new identity. Whether or not that was brought on by higher listening time or just my own bias of how I thought this should go down I don’t know.
The main takeaway is that there’s a very complex structure here. I’m not dealing with simple self help “oh I’m a little unconfident and need a boost to get my life on track”. No there’s some major developmental wounds from childhood that haven’t been fully healed. Things that I have to take time to learn and experience at my own pace to integrate. It’s not a simple list of bullet points or reminders on what to do. It’s the how that’s missing which is largely subconscious processes.
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Had a sort of epiphany last night. For most of my life I’ve had an aversion to feelings and emotions that make me feel vulnerable. I had always assumed this was me taking on a rigid idea of masculinity and all the pressures guys face growing up. But I realized yesterday that’s not the case at all. Even moreso I was beating myself up about it.
What I realized is growing up none of the emotional difficulties I faced were acknowledged by my parents. It was either platitudes or just telling me everyone felt like that. So I never learned what to do with this stuff or more importantly how to treat myself with compassion for going through it.
I had a therapy session last night. We encountered more child selves I need to connect with. I really suck at it. But that just goes to show how much I need to work on this aspect of myself.
I’m starting off small by just bridging the gap in communication. I can’t really provide comfort because I feel like I don’t even know what that is.
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Forgot to write this down. The other night I had a dream I was a parent. And I was a neglectful one. It’s one of my worst fears. I don’t see myself having kids, not at the rate I’m going.
But part of it made me realize that my inner child selves aren’t getting the support they need. I’ve been doing this therapy work and sort of connecting with them trying to show compassion. But there was an agenda behind it, which I see now. It wasn’t real connection., Real connection I’ve realized isn’t easy, bonding with an inner child takes trust. How are they supposed to trust someone that’s been neglecting them for years? Why would they have any desire to just because I showed up one day? My therapist talked about this but I was so obsessed with getting better it didn’t really click then.
I was listening to my stack tonight and I felt the elevation from ZP. The feeling of moving to a different sort of mental space or reality. But this time I was mindful of not dismissing fear as this thing to fight or overcome. I realized it was one of the child selves, not wanting to be left behind or ignored. Exerting A LOT of subconscious force to keep me away from moving to the goals. See I’ve always screwed up with any sort of self help stuff, trying to advance to get away. And I guess even despite the scripting for ZP not being forceful at all, my own mind still carried on that habit of it’s own volition.
I’m starting to see that recon for me is nothing more than unmet needs from a part that is either afraid of what the goal of the sub is trying to achieve or thinks that somehow it will lead to further abandonment. That’s it. There’s nothing malicious there that wants to see me fail or that’s just a strong habit that needs to be broken. It’s a highly intelligent system. My subconscious is basically just the home or dwelling for a much more intricate set of parts, each with their own histories, beliefs, and needs.
Interestingly enough I think I’m going to give microloops another shot this week. I’m starting to understand the separation between processing on purely physical/nervous system level vs the emotional/internal plane. Meaning more stimulus =/= greater growth. It’s the content. If you can re-generate the content or a reminder of what it is, that’s the key. And I think microloops help maximize the idea of minimal stimulus but having a strong reminder for the inner world to act upon.
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So I got ambitious these past few months and tried to build up some productivity using Notion. What have I learned? A lot
For one, nothing really came of it lol. I wanted to build a meal planning database, a music production tracker, a note repository, a daily journal. I did none of that. And every weekend I tormented myself to get it done. Well this weekend I said screw it, I’m done. Time to find an alternative. The goal is improving my life, not making it needlessly complicated through a novel approach. If it works for others fantastic, but it’s not for me.
I have a meal planning app, I have a to do list with categorizing, I have a journal. There’s absolutely no reason I have to beat myself up trying to build out something from scratch. This is a perfect example of the illusion of productivity. Yes the idea in theory would be great, but the result is too much time trying to maximize productivity without actually doing anything productive. It’s like going to fix a car and then you run off and decide you’re gonna manufacture your own tools to get that done. Losing the plot of why the organization was necessary in the first place.
I still really struggle with immediacy. I need things to be there when I need them, minimal upkeep, low distraction, and rock solid stability. It doesn’t take a lot to derail me. Structure is good, scheduling is good, but accessibility is king. Without that nothing will be done to organize my life more.
And you know what? This stings a bit abandoning another supposedly game changing discovery and facing that feeling of failure again. But it would be foolish of me to hang onto it and torture myself anymore with the possibility of what could be when I know damn well I won’t.
Probably the ADHD traits, since starting RoM I’ve been thinking about it in terms of past experiences that could be causing it. I’ve also been working with a therapist to identify it. She wants to clear out trauma or any negative events from the past to rule that out. I don’t know at this point, all I know is my mind needs special treatment. It doesn’t work the way I was conditioned over my lifetime to treat it. And if I can’t overcome it completely, I guess I’m cool with finding stuff that works for me and working around it.
Man I feel like everyone in my life lacks freedom. One of my goals moving forward is to stop trying to make idealized situations that work. I don’t want little pools of safety I retreat in. I want to live boldly out in the world knowing I can make any situation work for me.
Right now I’m hunkered down in a job that has some perks to it and isn’t the worst job in the world, but it’s safety. And even with that safety I deal with a tremendous amount of bullshit I’m tired of dealing with. I told myself after this one last major shuffle if things don’t change I either have to double down on not giving a shit or move someplace else.
I went through so much garbage this past week I’ve been drained this weekend just recovering. And that’s not cool when the job invades MY personal time because someone else wanted to screw things up. So when I go back to work tomorrow I’m done. This was the last straw. I’ve given this company so many chances and they continually surprise me with new ways to piss me off. I’m not gonna do this anymore, it’s like being in an abusive relationship and expecting them to change.
Things I need to work on still. Assertiveness. My problem is I can’t calibrate my anger. One moment I want to slap someone in the face, the next I see none it was intentional and let them off the hook. But the cycle continues. It is 100% toxic, the worst part is most people don’t realize how deep in it they are and just perpetuate it. So when I look after myself and my needs now I’m the bad guy for not being a team player and dedicated to the company. Stupid social dynamics. It would be easier if they were outright nasty, then I could just glare at them and walk away. But no it’s this weird dysfunctional family dynamic.
Recon recon recon. Debating if wanted is the best for me. I feel like I need to build more internal power and stability for myself. I’ve just had it dealing with everything in life. Entering situations and dealing with people from a position of fear. Having to overcome fear and fight. My life has had so much fear. I feel like I just keep telling myself to hang on and keep going, but I don’t want to battle all my life.
On the other hand the complete non chalance and coldness of wanted might do really good things to disconnect me from all the nonsense and not take it head on. It’s just a balance of trying to figure out what would help me out the most. I can see wanted long term doing good things, but Ascension might be more focused and get me out of the hell I’m currently in.
I don’t want to bail on wanted, but at the same time is this what I really need right now?
Bleh. Gonna stick to it. I started this with strong intentions, those count for something.
Read over the wanted objectives/description. Yeah I’m not missing out on anything, I’ll stick with it. 100% recon there.
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I respect the self-awareness that you have. Going to that kind of self-judgment recon is one of the worst IMO, but you pulled through.
This is a difficult one. Sometimes it’s better to wait and feel what you’re actually needed for instead of facing your fears. Facing fears can also be some sort of self-hatred of not being good enough. Not to say that you should stay in this comfortable company, but making decisions from this kind of place never works for me. Don’t know how that works for you, just wanted to share my thoughts with you.
I always make the best decisions when I pull back from the situation and look at it without judgment. Your intuition never shouts, it always whispers. I think the last post proves that you spoke from intuition, not from your ego.
Keep it going bro, you’re doing great!
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That’s actually really relevant and a good point thanks. I go through these cycles a lot. The energy and emotions of them are pretty potent, but the actions I think about taking are usually very drastic or escapist.
There’s a lot of self hatred in me. Recently I realized that’s me actively hating the wounded inner child. Never being tough enough, too sensitive, too quiet, etc. Trying to overcome things that don’t need to be overcome externally. Trying to heal a wounded self through outside means has always been my mistake. It’s only this past week I’ve been able to separate and be the adult taking care of that child vs reliving the emotional flashbacks of it. It’s been eye opening how much of my reactions aren’t the current me but a past self acting through me.
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Well now this is interesting. A lot of sexual energy coming up with wanted. But a feeling of needing to suppress it. Hmmmmm. I’m thinking a lot of muscular tension and recon is due to fighting to keep this contained. But when I let it flow I feel a massive sorrow. Very confused because I can’t think of anything that would actively cause me to suppress my sexuality.
Wanted is also helping me deal with past hardships. I’m finding that as much as those past experiences have pained me, it gave me a unique perspective on life. Embracing those darker aspects of myself. I don’t have to relive them, but I won’t see them as something to be ashamed of and locked away from others.
There’s definitely an edge to wanted that I’ve started appreciating. I no longer feel like it’s bad. I feel like I’ve done enough growth lately where I’ve come to understand the niceness I perceived was a trauma response and did me no good. To go further I now have to bring this from the internal to the external more so people understand I’m not here to cater to their every need.
Still a long way to go to congruence with his new attitude. It doesn’t stick around sometimes and I find myself in old behavior but it’s getting better.
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This week I experimented with micro loops. I actually ran all three titles at once which I won’t be doing again. Spacing them out throughout the week is important, even with microloops. Impatience got the best of me.
Also this past Friday my 10 minute loops laid me out in terms of exposure. What was interesting is the feeling of overwhelm peaked on day 3. What’s more interesting is I didn’t take extended rest days during this time to recover. Instead I just switched to the micro loops. My over exposure symptoms subsided while I still executed the subs and also battled with a bit of recon. But it gave me further feedback into how overexposure and recon are two very different things for me. Recon can be worked through, overexposure can’t. And overexposure also leads to more recon if I lose my ability to manage my emotional state.
All in all I’m a fan of the micro loops. It seems to trigger emotional shifts fast while minimizing actual physical energy spent processing the actual sub content.
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RoM coming in with some heavy insights.
For a while now I’ve felt responsible for my parents happiness. Having a good relationship and all that. Guilt that I wasn’t as close. All things which were a direct consequence of the things I experienced growing up. It’s not fair to fracture the relationship through actions and then also want attention from a child because they become distant.
I know they didn’t mean it, I know they had their own demons. But I also know holding onto this burden places a wedge between me and them. If I want a real authentic genuine relationship to take its place I have to let go of the responsibility I’ve placed on myself for their emotional well being as it relates to me.
It’s not easy coming to terms with it because then I look back on my childhood and the good memories with questions. There’s a lot of hurt there, but also joy for having them in my life. But if it isn’t the most difficult thing in the world balancing that hurt and love for them. Lots of inner conflict and my desire not to revert to black and white thinking as it relates to past hurt.
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Haven’t worked on music in a few weeks and it deeply upsets me. I’ve stopped trying to understand why I feel I need music in my life and just started embracing it instead. This is me, fullest expression of myself so why do I have to explain to the world why it fulfills me or what value it holds?
I’ve always had different beliefs. Always. I just never lived from them fully due to fear. And low confidence and worth made me believe I was dumb or idealistic in my views.
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yeah i used to feel like that as well lol
sounds like some deep thoughts and introspections are happening inside your mind, pretty amazing
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Crap. I 100% have an anxious avoidant attachment style. I just realized using wanted to attract women appeals to my side that gives me all the power by withholding myself enough so they can’t get a good read on me.
This would be a powerful strategy but I take it too far. I’m like a train that just derails and goes off the tracks away from getting any closer.
Damn not quite as far along as I thought yet. Still have to get over this hurdle.
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