Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#477

@RVconsultant or anyone else that stumbles upon this post.

I was in a lot of recon when you proposed Limitless and QL. But I was thinking about it some more.

I still feel like Limitless and QL would be too much to add onto my plate right now and expanding my cognitive ability very often locks me up in a state of fear. But then I realized Beyond Limitless is an alternative, which would just help me capitalize on my existing ability and wouldn’t be too dense.

Unfortunately I’m once again stuck with running out of room in my stack. My HoT custom will be staying in place, it’s too important to let go of. I really would like to run Seductress when it comes out and from the hints that were dropped I think there’s going to be a strong wealth component that will help me with finances too. So that leaves Sanguine. Creating a pros and cons list to see what you think.

Pros of Beyond Limitless

  • Helping me plan and organize my life. Right now I’m trying to move to a new location, find a new job, and also build my skills so I can be confident
  • Outside of the realm of jobs, I could use this to enhance my own skillset to execute the goals of HoT when it comes to fashion and how I look. Which could greatly help me in blending in more socially and increase my confidence.
  • My life is one big shifting puzzle piece right now. It’s been incredibly draining. Beyond Limitless is tailored towards immediate cognitive support for current events.
  • I’ve been told multiple times that the skills I have are very valuable so I could very easily capitalize on what I currently have to immediately improve my life vs self sabotaging. My barrier to getting a job seems to be myself more than anything else.
  • Potential rewiring of brain states that contribute to trauma based reactions
  • Productivity in general. It’s bad right now, I can barely keep up with cleaning my dishes in the sink. A cleaner home environment would also aid in stress removal
  • Helping me navigate any new job, even if it’s not an ideal one. Being able to perform with ease and not question my intelligence would open doors to being more flexible with moving on if something doesn’t work.
  • Improvements with the whole aspect of job searching, applying, and interviewing. For lack of a better term, my brain feels like a dull knife. I’ve been through a lot and its effected my cognitively, but employers don’t like to see that.

Pros of Sanguine

  • Sanguine has helped me maintain a calm state amidst all the chaos in my life.
  • Sanguine has been helping me rewire how I should view life. Not focusing on productivity or pushing myself, learning to take care of myself and break out of old patterns of survival strategies.
  • Putting myself first, advocating for myself, getting more in touch with authentic behavior.
  • Learning to relax, like really relax as a skill
  • Tuning out the noise from current events while still able to stay informed.
  • Building optimism and resilience in myself, feeling like I can rely on and trust myself.

Just typing all that out. My gut feeling is I should leave Sanguine and add Beyond Limitless to the stack where Seductress would go. It just sucks feeling like I can’t run what I want but I think the focus should be on stabilizing my life. Curious to know your thoughts. Do you think Beyond Limitless would be better in this situation vs Limitless? Limitless has a lot of benefits, but I’m worried that will serve as a barrier to embracing the overall script.

I should probably make this a ticket huh?

#478

Might give Limitless a shot and see how it goes. Thinking long term and really scoping out my life and hitting all my insecurities when it comes to my career prospects and intelligence. I don’t deserve to suffer financially just because I’m hindered in my beliefs.

It’s weird I distinctly remember a point when I was a child where I stopped learning or displaying any signs of intelligence because it got me ostracized or bullied. From that point forward I tried less and less in school. It was safer that way. And I carry on this pattern today, yeah I’m afraid of being perceived as intelligent.

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#479

Our society does this all the time. We label our brightest children “nerds,” pushing them to the fringes. These kids, with their limitless potential, are bullied, ignored, and shamed for tapping into the infinite mind—a gift every person has if they choose to believe in it.

From the limitless copy. Really weird that I made that post and then read the copy in full and saw that.

You know limitless never appealed to me because I think I was too afraid to even entertain the thought of standing out. But reading this copy, it’s weird I resonate with the idea behind this so much. I never really made the connection that it wasn’t JUST confidence I had an issue with, it was a fundamental undervaluing of my own potential within myself. This constant friction of existing in a frame or design I never wanted, but also not knowing how to exit it. I hope this helps me find the key to escaping.

#480

The plot thickens.

I thought about it some more. Does Limitless solve some key areas of my life? Yes. But what’s the end goal? Where does that leave me? In a slightly better circumstance, but still chained to something invisible.

I want to break those invisible chains. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do in my life. Have the freedom to step outside enough to not feel like I’m stuck on some conveyor belt. I want to let go of the web of beliefs and concept of reality I’ve created for myself and restructure it without taking a sledgehammer to it all and upsetting the balance.

I’m going to run RoM instead of Limitless in my stack. I’m going to commit to uncovering myself. That is #1 priority. Nothing else matters because if I don’t move through the world comfortable and aligned with myself I might as well be dead.

This is a gamble for me because I don’t know how this will unfold or how it will effect my life. But I’d rather step into the fear of the unknown than devise a carefully curated plan that still keeps me stuck in a box.

@RVconsultant Thanks for the RoM suggestion, I think it is the right title for me at this point in time.

#481

Last night I had this moment of letting go and some weird effects of RoM before even running RoM today. I have run it before so maybe the thought of even running this sub again just had me recall the script.

I realized that I’m not a free person. I’m governed by fears and I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve made deeply aligned decisions. The rest of it is falling in line with expectations of what I should do.

Today I decided I’d do nothing. I wouldn’t job search, I wouldn’t think about my future, I’d lounge around, sleep in late, I’d just follow my intuition and learn what I really wanted to do. First thing I noticed, guilt. Why? I have the luxury of doing nothing, I have money saved, I don’t have to step back into the meat grinder of capitalism. And I’m resentful because I feel like that’s what I’ve been programmed to do.

Really whats the point of building a foundation if that foundation is built on top of lies? Or even worse, someone else’s expectations? I’m tired of looking people in the face and exchanging pleasantries about my own life as if I am on the right path when I know deep down I’m not. If I was, wouldn’t I find energy to talk about my life? Wouldn’t I want to share it with others? Instead I feel like it’s a source of shame because I find myself trying to act as if I do have some sense of connection with my life when I don’t.

I’ve been afraid to dig deeper. Every time I’ve dug deep in the past and expressed that to people I’ve been treated as if what I say isn’t in the realm of reality. But it’s more reality than some artificially constructed lifestyle design. I don’t say this to be elitist and I don’t look down on those who have found their path. But I need to find something else, not want, NEED. I’ve come full circle. What I perceived as the naivety of my youth were genuine feelings and emotions that weren’t honored, then I procrastinated, and now I’m back to where I started. Arguably better off in terms of resilience, confidence, and capabilities but the fundamental questions were never answered.

My goal is to stop lying to myself and practice more honesty among the people in my life. My ego has been so caught up in what I’ve been “building” and terrified of going back to square one. But it has to be done. I can’t live like this anymore.

Life can be so much more, but right now I view it with contempt and obligation. Those are my honest feelings. And while gratitude and appreciation are powerful tools, they can’t be used in a spiritual bypassing manner to offset a lack of alignment or purpose. Doesn’t work like that.

I’m in for a deep dive. Might unravel in this journal, who knows. I have no idea what to expect and that’s honestly the best place for me right now vs thinking I know what’s best for myself that’s just an echo of collective opinions of everyone around me.

#482

I’ve been avoiding looking back at old journals for a while now. But something about RoM has me feeling like I have to go to the beginning and crunch everything in my head. It hurts I’m not gonna lie, some of my older posts bring up memories of the worst time in life. But uncovering memories, that is a RoM goal right? Anyway this is some stuff the last time I ran RoM I’m gonna break down based on my current knowledge.

Was running Wanted. Objectively I was getting more attractive on that title. But it didn’t feel right. It felt like I was watching someone else get more attractive but not me.

Lol. Yeah it’s cuz I like guys and I’m a woman. I wasn’t ready to face that. The massive sorrow was realizing the sexuality I wanted couldn’t be obtained in the current body I had. Recon city.

This is kinda wild because these were some very similar thoughts when I woke up this morning. I’m working on some music later on today. I didn’t read my older journal entries before settling on that either.

And this track. I randomly listened to it this morning after watching a tiktok video with a song that sounded familiar and then remembering it was my song it reminded me of. Which was super weird. But then I was like “oh damn, is my natural vibe and aesthetic the in thing right now?” lol.

Ya of course it was unnatural. I was moving on the scale towards features that caused me to keep detaching me from my own body more.

And so I did eventually. I think at the time me perceiving attractiveness was a cope. And what I thought was body dysmorphia was gender dysphoria.

Yeah this makes sense. RoM went deeper, hit the gender dysphoria, and I pulled back. I wasn’t ready for that.

Funny how that exact thing came up today except I’m not angry at myself at all. I’m also more willing to let all of it go and start from scratch. I get to find more of myself vs dwell on the fact I don’t know a lot of myself. I think maybe part of this anger was fear and at the time I was still deathly afraid of acknowledging I was trans.

Again unconquered fear. That fear has a legitimate reason. Stemming in discomfort, but since I couldn’t face that discomfort or acknowledge it, it was just generic fear.

And then to make things even weirder I watched this movie called The Endless last night. And it has time loops in it, like repeating past actions. And I find it so interesting that I’m here basically identifying the same cognitive loops that had me stuck in a life I didn’t want almost 2 years ago.

RoM is wild. Truthfully my brain is always doing this pattern connection type of stuff on subs but RoM is like putting it on steroids. This is really cool.

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#483

I’ve come to the conclusion, I love unfolding subs. I got a chart reading for Human Design a while back. I’m going to look at it again. I’m a generator, my strength is in allowing things to flow in and out of my life like a conveyor belt and say yes or no. Every single damn time I have imposed a set path, expectation, or forceful direction on myself I’ve ended up drained and unproductive. My most optimal way of experiencing life is in direct contrast to modern American lifestyle. No wonder I’ve been struggling so much. This beautifully efficient internal system that knows how to guarantee my happiness and it’s corrupted by the expectations pushed on me.

Starting to put the pieces together more. But I’ve got a long way to go before my mind starts working for me. Lots of bad habits I have to remove.

#484

You are welcome!

I’m glad you are getting so introspective!

What are your thoughts now?

Any thoughts about Paragon?

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#485

Thoughts now. I genuinely don’t think I have enough conscious awareness of parts of myself that have been hidden from me. So RoM is going to help me live in alignment more. But it’s all about exploration at this point.

I was thinking about Paragon but felt I’d have to drop my HoT custom, I think two physical oriented customs might be too much for my body. The only alternative would be replacing Sanguine with Paragon, but I think Sanguine is too important right now too.

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#486

Hello, I read that you mentioned having a fearful-avoidant attachment style. Which subliminal has helped you the most with this?

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#487

Right now I think Sanguine. But paired with RoM those two seem to really synergize to get me to really dig into the why and simultaneously provide me the safety of exploring it.

Fearful avoidant is a hard one. For me a lot of it is based on shame or neglect. But working on that directly is a trigger to get my mind to close off because healing those is a pathway to others seeing me and in the current state the shameful self is still there and doesn’t want to be seen. So ironically directly targeting the thing that causes the fearful avoidant behavior makes me more avoidant because it’s a threat to my safety to remove it. It’s really convoluted, but it is very much a system that was developed and I can’t just go in and cut out things I don’t like without lashback.

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#488

I see. Thanks for explaining

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#489

Overexposed on RoM. I think I’m gonna cut back to 30 seconds on all my subs and start from scratch again trying to find the right exposure amount. I’m so afraid of not listening enough and not growing that I ironically listen too much and stunt my growth.

But looking back on my journal, upping my listening amount has never yielded the amazing breakthrough I expect.

I did have some older memories surface. A lot of pain I wasn’t aware of. I’ve blocked out a lot of my childhood. It feels like it was someone else and I think that’s a sign I haven’t made peace with the things I struggled with.

A lot of it revolving around the social aspect of things. Still unpacking.

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#490

Been applying for jobs a lot. No interviews yet. My moral is dwindling. Trying to pave over this with optimism isn’t the right move. If I’m afraid of not getting a job or not being employable that’s a strong belief I have to address.

I’ve never experienced a good job market and I’ve never experienced the job application process being easy. This has fucked me over so bad mentally. I need to work through this more.

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#491

I guess this is RoM just unearthing repressed emotions and feelings. But yesterday I was an absolute mess. Just crying off and on all day, I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even tell you what emotions I was feeling. My existence just hurt, it hurt to be alive, to be in this body.

I’ve been trying not to be a victim. To just ignore all the discrimination I can face in society. But it’s hard. I genuinely can’t believe that it doesn’t matter, that I can overcome it somehow. I want to, more than anything I want to thrive in spite of all of it. But I genuinely can’t right now. And maybe I need to process this, maybe I’ve been battling this in my head and trying to overcome it somehow but I didn’t do the important thing of fully recognizing how I really feel about all of it.

I’ve been having dreams where I’m a guy and everyone treats me as a guy and it’s terrible. The fact that even in my deepest subconscious state I can’t escape this feeling hurts a lot.

What I’ve realized running RoM. I was trying to move forward with my life to escape something. And I thought I could. I really thought a new environment or a different job was the key. It’s a factor for sure, but not the whole picture. I was leaving myself behind, again because once again society was dictating where I should be vs where I actually am.

I’m still a mess today. Going to run Sanguine and my HoT custom for 30s and hope those two help me out a bit. Also really really want seductress now. I stopped running the previous one because I was doing a bit of a washout before the new one was released. And looking back I see it was really helping me feel comfortable with myself more.

#492

The company I worked for before treated me so poorly. I’m done doing mental gymnastics thinking I’m petty or wrong. They treated me wrong, so why the hell do I feel guilty about calling them out on that? Why do I do this to myself?

The only reason that’s coming up again is because applying for these jobs, I’m trying to avoid overly demanding entitled companies. Ones who want to pay a sys admin 60k a year and have them run the help desk at the same time, they are absolutely delusional. Just want a job that won’t burn me out, is that so much to ask?

I think I’m going to run AC again to manifest something good for myself. I just can’t with these people.

#493

I find myself wondering about this regularly. I truly don’t know the exactly optimal length for me. So I end up working with full loops.

Sometimes I think I might even do best with slightly more than a full loop.

Eventually, I end up thinking, ‘Whatever. It’s going to work either way, so don’t worry about it too much.’

Another aspect is listening to yourself and your life enough to choose the optimal program for this season in your life.

I think this also makes a big difference in recon.

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#494

Yes!

I am a big fan of working on Entry Strategies to complement our Exit Strategies.

It’s much easier to focus on hitting a bullseye than it is to focus on ‘missing everything that is not the bullseye’.

It’s so much easier sometimes to focus on ‘avoiding what you don’t want’.

It’s actually kind of scary sometimes to take the step of trying to define what you actually do want right now.

I think we worry that we might get it wrong.

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#495

It’s like a fear for me. I’m like what if it doesn’t exist? What if I’m just being immature and delusional? I have to prepare for the worst instead.

But I have to try. I have been trying for months now to keep focusing on what I want vs what I don’t want. I’ve made progress but I slip up a lot. I just wish it was easier. It’s all around me right now how difficult it is, it takes a lot of mental discipline to not be pulled into it.

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#496

Your capacity for honesty is one of your strengths.

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