So I am still doing micro loops. What’s interesting is even with microloops I’m finding the recommended listening schedule is still too much. So I’m adding one more rest day between listening. I noticed this past week a lot of spelling mistakes, words omitted from sentences, and a general worry that my work emails were incomprehensible without going over them with a fine tooth comb. In short, overexposure.
But my eternal struggle is not being able to wrap my head around how so few loops during the week could work. And now with micro loops I feel like I’m really cutting back on overall processing. But I’ve noticed I’m sort of desperate to run the loops sometimes and don’t have faith in myself to execute when not running them. That has to change. I’m externalizing things and looking forward to the listening as a sort of last resort to bump me into what I want. But that’s never gonna work because ultimately these changes come from within me.
It’s a clashing of self sufficiency and that chronic fantasy when I was younger to find something that would “fix” me. But there is no real “fix”. Looking for the fix is what perpetuated the pain because I got deeper and deeper into suppressing my emotions and denying my humanity. I like these subs and they’ve been immensely helpful. But if I were to lose them or stop, I’m genuinely afraid of things. That’s how little comfort I have in my own personal power. It’s good I have them, but to some degree I feel my relationship with them isn’t healthy.
.
