This one was interesting. I started the song a few weeks back at a different point emotionally and finished it at another point today. But it retains elements of each point. I was experimenting with messy/chaotic composition because for the longest time I tried to make everything clean and perfect. Lots of emotions ended up in this one for sure.
I notice a trend with me thinking I’ve overexposed on the subs. It usually matches up with a crash on the weekend. But I’m starting to analyze things more and it’s really not the subs. It’s my inability to take care of myself.
ADHD has popped up again in my life. My current therapist wants to rule out trauma first but I’m starting to think it’s both. The fact is I just barely make it through a 40hr week. I feel like I’m usually done around Thurs. After that I have nothing left to give.
And this is the problem. I can only focus on certain things. Interesting problem at work? Perfect, oh but also I’m gonna be so focused in on fixing that novelty problem I’ll be unable to shift my focus to anything else. Really basic routine stuff like deciphering someone’s email to forward off to a consultant like I’ve been doing for the past 3 weeks? I want to bash my head into a wall. This is my problem. I don’t choose. Things click or they don’t and there’s nothing I can do. So if I’m not living a life where things are aligned with my strengths or interests I suffer a lot.
Yesterday I finished that song. But you know what else I did? Nothing. That was the only thing that I could do yesterday. I have strengths and skills, but they don’t fit within the modern traditional work structure everyone gets pushed into.
That, for me, is the key point.
That structure is not made for everyone.
How about gently exploring some alternate structures?
Definitely. I guess the keyword there is gently. I’m not sure how to do that at this point. One of the things I’m still struggling with is feeling that I can rely on myself to get things done. I’ll have good weeks and then I’ll have some days where it’s a complete wall I ht. And it scares me because my level of functioning wavers a lot. When my brain is on it’s on, when it’s off it’s off. The problem is most jobs just expect a level of output that’s consistent every day and that is not how my brain works. It works in sprints, with creativity, and novelty.
I do have a music course I bought teaching how to license music. I guess that would be a good start. Just getting that idea deeper into my subconscious vs continually getting dragged into this lifestyle I’m currently struggling with.