Better than getting 200 messages.
And by this mentioned above I am officially stating that I wanna gain your favour 
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I do not wanna be a worrywart but do I got it?
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Lmao at least someones honest
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Wash out thinkingā¦
I wonder if Stark wasnāt working for me because the toxic relationship I had at the time.
I wonder if under different circumstances that Stark would be perfectly okay for me.
My ex came from wealth and lots of $. He provided a lot financially. He identified as an āalpha maleā who said I was too masculine.
I started believing stuff he was saying to me. Little subtle seeds planted to basically destroy me.
I was gaslit for the final time 2 days ago. No more.
He went as far as to contacting my sons father and best friend. Showing up unannounced on my property threatening to get me in to see a psychiatrist because subs are harming me. He tried saying I lack awareness. I swear he was talking to himself. So many projections.
My head wanted to burst yesterday and felt very nauseous. Iām done 
Before this guy I didnāt have problems with Stark.
Either way, Iām taking my time day by day with my wash out. Trusting that my next stack will be perfect for my goals in that moment.
LME may even be something to consider because my relationship with my teenager is quite difficult.
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Yup.
Unconditional love doesnāt mean unconditional acceptance though. Holistic psychologist said this on one of her posts this week.
You can love from afar while not accepting toxic behaviours. Enabling isnāt loving or supportive. Itās a hindrance.
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As wash out continues ā¦. I notice the fear of running out of resources and wealth production.
Iām glad Iām noticing. Iām accepting where I am at as I work towards a new and improved version of me.
I allowed myself to depend financially on a man in a highly toxic relationship while I studied to become a yoga teacher and build up my coaching/healing business. Part of me convinced myself I could tolerate him in order to get what I needed and wanted to get ahead. Knowing he was there to rely on provided me with a false sense of security, an unhealthy dependency, a crutch.
Depending on a man to that extent was new territory for me.
Iām grateful it gave me the opportunity to take some risky actions on my journey at least! Thereās a lot of good to take from it. I also have compassion in my heart for him that he finds the healing he needs. Just not in a relationship with me.
I feel this pull. Itās addicting. The happy chemicals that were exchanged in that dynamic of fantasy and illusions. Limerence. Future faking.
They can be used as resources towards something better and more healthy for me.
This image has me thinking of Stark and how good it was for me when it was good for meā¦ 
Seductress can also be consciously guided to embody this status as well though. Thatās what Iām focusing onā¦ itās been great for me once I dropped the idea of it being only about sex. Itās not.
I am embodying & embracing being the woman who has it all. Looks brains power balance grace softness. Able to gracefully dance between her femininity and masculinity. Sheās a visionary and artist. Sheās a creator. An inventor. Image maker. She guides mentors and leads others confidently. Sheās been through the wringer, the dark storms to get to where sheās at. Sheās wise. Sheās brilliant. Sheās clear. Sheās purposeful and direct. Sheās one of a kind. Sheās weird. Sheās different. Those are her superpowers. Often misunderstood or talked aboutā¦
Yetā¦ā¦
She knows her true north. 
The beautiful orderly structured and stable family home, where hosting and entertainment go onā¦
The mature supportive loving man who is on the path with her.
Joyful loving childrenā¦ emotionally intelligentā¦
Highly successful impactful businessā¦ with multiple streams flowing passively and actively
Health wealth abundance prosperity fun play dance exploration 
Concepts that actually mean something. Very dearly. Very precious.
Letting go of what others thinkā¦ concern or worry of others opinions. Itās none of my business. That comes from doubt fear the devil. The devil is in the doubt. Outwitting that mofo!
I know that whatās in front of me is a reflection of what is inside of me.
Thanks for the reminder to take action 
New Stack has begun! UA/LME/Seductress
Just listened to UA & LME full loops since itās been awhile with those. I will alternate my listening days between those and seductress. I will likely do 3-5 minute loops for this cycle.
I felt a surge of energy in my heart space while listening to UA & LME.
Feeling that some better relief and calmness will happen in my home soon.
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Already been creative playing in the kitchen with my food.
I used to work as a pizza cook and sandwich artist.
I like to see cooking as an art form.
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Day 2 ~ ReSt
Had some weird vivid dreams. Got clear on needing to reduce unnecessary stressors. Get rid of what isnāt useful anymore.
Took my daughters to a Halloween market.
The idea came to me to tell my girls they can pick out one thing at the end of checking out every vendor if they followed very simple rules. Listen, walk, stay together. It went much better than previous events. š„¹:+1:
I had a really lovely chat with my daughters grandma.
Iāve definitely been having some slight emotional outbursts with LME, but itās needed.
My reiki client went to a friend of mines retreat yesterday.
I asked her about it and she said this:
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Day 3 ~ Seductress full loop
Feels like I hit more deep restorative sleep & less REM vivid dream stuff. Took my time waking up without my kids here. Had a lovely bath before bed.
Legs up in the air in my bed. So many benefits to that. It helps induce rest and digest. It also promotes healthy blood flow to the pelvic floor.
Iāve been consciously working on my breathing paired with muscle control in my pelvic bowl. Not kegels because I am doing reverse kegels before doing kegels. I have been getting better at noticing the pelvic floor lowering as it lengthens getting a nice stretch on the inhale and rising back up on the exhale.
Finding that sweet spot of softening and strengthening too. I suffered from tight pelvic floor muscles for most of my life. Fear & trauma are connected with this area. I had a lot of sexual trauma in my life. I used to downplay it. Shame and guilt came with that. Alcohol was a way to cope with and block facing the trauma. Itās been 5 years since I drank last.
Rediscovering the way my body works with my breath while connecting myself sexually before I welcome my life partner in.
I donāt want to half ass my journey. All in loving all of me including my pelvic! 
I found a wonderful pelvic physiotherapist awhile back. I have reduced my frequency of sessions but initially started with weekly sessions. I think every human who has experienced sexual trauma would benefit from a few sessions with one of these practitioners. Bonus if they understand energy and how the emotional and mental contributes to the physical. The physical is the final place to experience the trauma. Unprocessed trauma stored in the body as the body keeps the score.
Pain is a clue and can be a guide for where the healing is needed on all levels.
This has me feeling extra passionate about my work as a trauma informed yoga practitioner & reiki master. Yum
Edit: My first take on writing this, I wrote that the pelvic floor contracts on the exhale. Then I second guessed myself and deleted it. It softens and stretches on the inhale and slightly contracts on the exhale as it lifts back up. I had it right the first time.
For tight pelvic floor, you want to put an emphasis on the inhales while allowing the exhales to happen. Getting this to improve makes for better orgasms.
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Day 4 ~ rEsT & Day 5 ~ UA & LME 10 min loops.
Clearly UA is doing its thang. Made more content on my socials today. Writing more easily. Itās flowing like water.
Getting ideas for content. Woohoo.
Had some breakdowns and breakthroughs with my son. He has some dermatitis on his face and asked me for help. Heās usually weirded out by my āwoo wooā healing stuff. I tried to stay calm and explain what a Medicine Woman is. I explained a bit of my history using intuition and guidance. Heās also very intuitive but has some programming that interferes.
I figured out what exactly the skin condition is super quickly. I feel confident it will clear fast. We also have to work on root cause.
I pulled out my Louise Hay reference book on the mental cause of physical ailments. Shared that info with him for skin problems. He actually stopped for a moment to hear me out.
I got him to pull an oracle card today before school. Holy heck!
He sat on my reiki table in my healing room to apply some salve I got in Detroit and added a drop of Frankincense. Reminded him to not exfoliate or scrub his face.
I love LME. I love these subs. I see where previous titles are deeply ingrained in there and have such great resourcefulness.
This stack is exactly what I need right now.
Having some very clear processing dreams relating to Seductress.
Grow your ability to understand exactly what is happening in your mind and emotions
Heal the traumas and limiting beliefs that stop you from being the woman you desire to be.
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Day 7 ~ Seductress full loop
My dreams brought up some of my insecurities.
I believed that unicorn men wouldnāt want me cuz the type of hair I have. That they prefer someone with very thick voluminous hair. Iām continuing to work on this.
Over the years I projected my insecurities onto super gorgeous successful men and ultimately pushed them away or ended it before they could hurt me. In all actuality it was all me hurting me.
I would often wonder why they had any interest in me. I didnāt wear much makeup and had basic hair styles. I wasnāt into fashion. I was more Tom boyish with some feminine aspects to my style.
I donāt wear any makeup and donāt do much with my hair now. I am back to my natural hair colour and embrace wavy hair.
Iām considering where I wanna go with my business and where I will put the most time and energy relating to my work. Time is valuable and I am valuable. Noticing where I donāt feel as lit up doing some things.
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One of my reiki clients told me I am charismatic today. 
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Day 8 ~ rEsT dAy
Reshare of a post from my socials:
This is what I looked like at the beginning of a very difficult dark night of the soulā¦ ļæ¼2015/2016ā¦ I wasnāt an alcoholic ļæ¼or drug addict, ļæ¼ I was addicted to suffering, because I thought that was the only way of belonging and relating.
I lost a lot of people near and dear to my heartā¦ I didnāt know how to process the traumaā¦
Yes, I drank until I blacked outā¦
Yes, I smoked weed to the point of experiencing psychosis in 2020ā¦
I went on antidepressants twice for a short timeā¦
I ran from the healthiest loving relationship I had ever experienced ā¦
I wouldnāt admit it at the time thoughā¦
I had a lot of stories paired with their own upsetsā¦
A chemical soup of cortisol & dopamine spikesā¦
I lost myself along the way craving things that only confined meā¦ limiting myselfā¦ harming myselfā¦
It was all by my own making & creation though.
It felt easier to blame others for my painā¦ rather than take ownership and responsibilityā¦
I carried some weightā¦ couldnāt release itā¦ no matter what I tried thenā¦ I was chasing external reliefā¦ I went to the gym everyday, sometimes twice a dayā¦ chased after diets and cleansesā¦ went to doctorsā¦ took supplementsā¦ all of itā¦
Nothing really workedā¦ I just felt like I was piling on more crapā¦
Secondary causesā¦
I am the one and only CAUSE of everything that happens in my life and so are youā¦
Being a victim was just a misuse of my powerā¦ I thought I had no other choiceā¦ but thatās not true.
In 2018, around this time, I quit drinking and decided to begin to heal from everythingā¦
In January 2022 I dropped cannabis. I was harming my beautiful mind & it didnāt feel good anymoreā¦ I got really fucking honest with myself about what I had been doing. Where my attention and focus was going.
I knew it was time to clean up my messes to create more spaciousness and room for the new to come inā¦
Fast forward to now, I donāt use a scale or check my weight/measurements. I am my healthiest without all the secondary shit. No drinking, no pot, no drugs, not even pain killers. No doctors. None of it.
I donāt follow mainstream standards or conventional methods for health and wellness anymoreā¦
I feel freeā¦ I am free to be whoever the fuck I want to be and so can you too!
Are you ready to soar?
Drop the excuses and watch the magic unfoldā¦ from within.
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Day 9 ~ UA 10mins & LME 5mins because my headphones died.
UA LME win
My 3 year old smiling at me while I play drums
Versus screaming at me to stop!!!
Sheās even playing more drums too.
I wasnāt playing as much for awhile when listening to titles like Stark or HS.
Iām making the time to play even if briefly everyday. It feels so good.
Also factoring in that Iāve been no contact from my ex narcissist bf for awhile too. It feels different this time with ending contact. I do hope he finds healing and truly puts in the work. He has a beautiful heart and a sweetness to him that gets overpowered by the narcissistic and borderline tendencies hardwired in him.
More spaciousness = more time for the desirable.
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Day 12 ~ rEST dAY ~~~~
Holy moly with the dreams lately. Theyāre lasering in on very specific things relating to my confidence and self image.
I had a fun weekend. Went to see one of my favourite bands in 2 different cities.
Iāve been taking so much action but neglecting my journaling a bit.
I do have a physical journal that I write in as well.
I have an old reiki client coming back this week.
One of my reiki clients became a coffee distributor under my team. Iām not pushing anything with the MLM stuff but if people want the coffee Iāll share the best way to save their money for the product.
I see where I feel some things are a burden or pain in the ass in my life with daily family grind . Iām working on reframing though.
I had an emotional breakdown crying on Saturday night in my Jeep after the concert. Realizing that I didnāt fully forgive myself for what I did in 2020. Leaving the love of my life while in a postpartum psychosis/depressive state. Breaking up my family. Causing a lot of pain and suffering for my kids and myself. For everyone. Blaming my exās family. They genuinely were concerned and wanted me to get help. I spun the whole thing out of proportion. I was not in a good head space. I was using cannabis heavily. (Edibles) && weaned myself off my prescription meds on my own. I was also going through a spiritual awakening. I became a reiki practitioner that year. I was ungrounded in ways.
Now I am forgiving myself for what I didnāt know at the time. I didnāt know any better. I needed support and I pushed it away.
This month marks 3 years since that all went down.
A lot of bizarre and supernatural things were happening. Maybe I was hallucinating but I donāt think so. I was assessed by a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I still had logic and reasoning. I was aware but I also seemed to be going through a total breakdown of my false identity and ever since Iāve been peeling the layers.
āI am a healer and I am healedā¦ so be it.ā
My strength lies in the difficulties that I have overcome.
The wounded healer is a tradition in native cultures that asserts that some of the greatest Healerās are those who have gone through hardship and survived, or who have been wounded and healed. Itās believed that these individuals can provide great solace, and can instigate profound healing for others.
The cracks in the foundation can be where the light enters the soul.
No matter what happened in the past, the past does not have to equal the future.
Iāve been remembering the wounding and the challenges and the pain that Iāve endured in my life and have been reframing the experience of how I experienced those events. Having a perception shift.
It doesnāt have to impact me the way it once did.
My dreams really do show me that Iām processing and Iām truly healing from a lot of stuff without much effort.
As I continue focusing on what I want and go after it with daily action, the healing takes place automatically. I used to force and push my healing.
This song comes to mind:
Iāve been briefly reviewing old journals of mine here.
I miss Stark now that Iāve successfully left a highly toxic relationship and been focusing more on the āwoundedā feminine aspects thanks to Seductress.
Iām curious about Stark Seductress and LME as a long term stack. I think that would do me some wonders for my life with hitting all my goals. Taking a pause on Stark was definitely helpful. I was too much in my masculine when I wanted to embrace the feminine more. Stark is very masculine. Having those 2 stacked would likely have some powerful effects along with LME. We are both masculine and feminine after all.
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Meanwhile in the Stark threadā¦
You can always utilize microloops and dial down your exposure to Stark. When you need more focus on Seductress, simply lower Stark exposure and/or exposure to LME. However, I donāt think you necessarily need to lower exposure to LME for this use case.
And you are correct. Masculine and feminine is an interplay, an interplay of yin and yang, each containing the other and creating the other when taken to the extreme. So cultivating both is a good approach, as long as you modulate it to fit your goals.
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