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I noticed today I had the itch to listen to HS. It’s been 6 days since wash out began.
Then I got caught up in my noodle about it. Listening times and all that.
I think it’s best to keep on my wash out for awhile.
It feels like I’m tapping into HS scripting from previous listening in the past.
This looks worse than MMA fighting.
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Why’s that?
So I was thinking about HS yesterday & Genesis today.
Noticing my pattern during recon where I try to convince myself to take a long wash out or that I don’t need subs and find people to confirm that thought pattern.
I genuinely see where I’ve gotta stop seeking validation externally and trust in my inner guidance system more.
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You know because to say only
“This looks badass”
sound quite boring, you gotta be creative
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Wash out is over.
New stack will be HS Seductress & Mogul.
Day 1 ~ full loops of HS & Seductress
I felt the itch most of today so I am honouring that. I feel a lot better recon wise.
Cleaned my friends house today for $150.
Felt energized most of the day.
Out for a walk noticing all the beauty in nature. Thinking of doing some yin yoga when I get home.
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Day 2 ~ ReST dAy —— 
I did a “one off” coaching session today… I was doing yin yoga last night and noticed an alert that I received an e transfer…. One of my clients wanted to do an extra session outside of their package.
Cool 
A person just reached out to book a reiki session. They found my card at a cafe. 
My ex gave me a cheque for 6K today. He’s looking healthier and more balanced. I love that!
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Day 3 ~ Mogul full loop
Was just reviewing Stark scripting and felt bummed out that I dropped it from my stack. Something about the masculine aspects of it brought on a lot of recon. Maybe it’s the blend with Seductress that has that happen.
Before I did better with stark without seductress.
Either way, I love seductress too much right now to drop that title. Maybe one day a sub with stark qualities mixed with seductress qualities would work.
I dunno.
What type of stack would pull that off?
Feeling pretty ish today. Loving the physical shifting aspects of Seductress as per usual. Been watching videos on feminine energy and qualities.
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Day 4 ~ ReSt DaY
I’ve been going on shuffle playing through my past romantic relationships as well as my closest ones too… shedding some tears, feeling some anger & the different layers that come with anger. Disappointments too…. Feeling let down… that was an ongoing story for me…
My old guitar player of 2 bands/old roommate in college/the one I ran to after both failed engagements and the one who I seduced and took his virginity back in 2007… reached out yesterday saying I’m pretty beyond his grip. Threw all these compliments at me. My first thought was that he was probably day drinking. Probably had a buzz. That had me feeling sad thinking about it. He struggled with mental health and addiction on and off just like basically every other person I have been attracted to.
It’s like I would find all the things wrong and need to fix and save them, just like with my own mom. I’ve been working on loving and accepting people as they are, while imagining them at their highest and best potential. Loving people from a distance isn’t as easy as I thought it was. There’s still some closeness even through the etheric realms. I’m working on this though. Distance can be lightness, not darkness only.
My dreams were super strange throughout the night. I was conversing with my most recent ex fiancé about a band we both love and I was defending myself. Then I was dreaming about the Facebook group I left a month ago. That people were gossiping about me for making a brief appearance and then leaving again. Whatever. 
I feel extra spicy. I feel that most people are ignorant and pretend to be stupid because it’s easier than actually taking responsibility and doing something to better their lives. I notice where I am still being this way myself and I’m working on it. I’m also noticing where I still have stories and upsets that I get hung up on. I’ve gotta drop it.
Acknowledgment and acceptance is powerful. Avoidance and escapism is weakness.
Time to be kinder with myself & others on this journey. Time to react less and respond more from love.
I’m naturally very fire/water element dominant. I’ve gotta tap into the other elements more for a healthier balance.
Why am I so sad? Why am I so angry? What’s up with that…. Where inside of me do I still feel I’ve gotta protect myself? What’s the hold up?
Day 5 ~ Seductress & HS 7min. loops. Seeing how this goes for me today.
I was in processing mode throughout my dreams in the night. I had a new guest appearance from a hypnosis NLP coaching trainer friend. Don’t recall much other than they were offering some guidance and support.
I’ve been pondering with why I would attract cluster b personality disorder types… what about me has me attracting that? I don’t often but I definitely have and am still holding on to one particular individual in my mind and heart. The idea that they can get better. When someone lies and theres clear evidence of it, yet they continue to deny it, what the heck? Why?!?!
I see how gaslighting plays out with this too. You begin to question yourself. Your own sanity. Maybe they are telling the truth? Maybe I am just imagining things? Oh how clever and carefully crafted they are.
I’m glad I have awareness at least. I’ve been getting better with boundary setting and honouring myself. Becoming more clear and honest with me. All of me.
My dad was talking to me about my mom the other day. They separated in 98/99 & he still holds resentments. I made some suggestions and he actually complimented my words. That felt good.
I’ve had a couple guys talking to me more online. I’m not looking for casual hookups. I want my life partner at this point. I’m glad I’ve gotten clearer about that.
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Day 6 ~ ReSt DaY
Can guys and girls be platonic friends?
Can they hang out without the idea of something more expected?
I hung out with a guy last night that I’ve known since high school through the music scene. I felt some physical discomfort in my body being in the presence of a single man. Thinking what does he want, what is he thinking? Can we be just friends?
I’m in a fragile birdy state right now. Shuffling over memories of my ex fiancé. Dealing with my ex bf and his narc tendencies. Life is so bizarre sometimes!
My desire is to be a wife. I am a wife in imagination. I have cultivated this state of being. I don’t desire the dating world which is full of hookups. I also want to wait until marriage for sex this time around. Could be my Christian roots coming out, but that’s okay.
I want to do things differently. I want an honourable man to respect my views and desires. I’m ready for the life timer. The one I grow old with. The one who brings me tea while I’m swinging on a porch swing with grandchildren. The one who looks at me with that same look when we are 80.
Sometimes I think it’s my ex fiancé. That I had to leave to have my spiritual awakening and growth. I had trauma to heal. Lots and lots of heavy baggage. I’ve unpacked a lot since I left him end of 2020. Maybe that’s just a crazy fantasy though.
I feel almost hesitant to be around other men right now. I don’t like sitting there with all these thoughts in my head and pretend like I am normal or fully present. Small talk and all that. I also don’t want to create a codependent dynamic again. Can I just be friends with men and be able to talk about what I am experiencing? Is that even safe for me?
I’m really looking at the dynamics of all my relationships over the years. HS holy heck!!!
Could it be that the man for me also had similar experiences but working on himself too. Or could the man already be healed and balanced? Are we always on a healing journey? Are we all just effed up and we find the perfect partner to share the effed up ness with?
A zombie apocalypse survival partner?
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Based on my experiences, if I were ever to look for another, she’d need to get her own tea
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What if you were basking in the beauty of her and the grandchildren together? & it was natural?
She can still get her own tea. Had enough of playing fetch.
Not everyone is playing a fetching game.
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I have revised my journal entry in my mind. I see the usefulness of taking this action. What assumptions I have and all that jazz.
I can self reflect and reframe/revise my thinking.
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Day 7 ~ MoGuL 7min. Loop
Listening to more on queen mindset. Confidence and security as a woman. Being of high value.
Seeing where I was extremely insecure and lacked confidence as a woman. I manifested so many situations reflecting back my insecurities.
I see why we manifest catalysts & karmic types of relationships or dynamics to promote more healing. How about no more of that!!! 
Insecurities make you delusional.
Insecure woman are addicted to bums. They play on your vulnerabilities and insecurities. There is an overestimation on them and underestimation on self. Somewhere in there is some sort of thinking that you need this person.
Insecurities blind you of your greatness.
Yep.
I had a nice evening hanging with an old male friend from the music scene. I so see where I didn’t enjoy stuff he was talking about. I thought to myself why am I associating with people who think like that. Is that useful for me and my own growth?
It’s good to explore and discover what’s good and what’s no longer good. I’m learning to stop overestimating people. Learning that it’s okay to hang out with someone and stop if it doesn’t feel good for me. It’s like going back to kindergarten and learning all over again. Even preschool in a sense.
I’d rather be alone than to not feel good around others. Why settle?
I want a change of scenery. I want to be around like minded people. So I’ve gotta get clear on what my Mind really is all about. No longer being a double minded one.
Make a decision and stick to it. Jeez laweez.
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