Why am I so fucking shy??
99% of my problems would dissipate INSTANTLY if I could just drop that shyness and be comfortable in my own skin.
Like wtf even causes me to be shy? Why do I so highly value other peopleâs opinions of me?
Do I not value my own opinion? Do I not trust my eyes and ears?
Is my own perspective that flawed that I need other peopleâs input to complete my thoughts and opinions?
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I wonât lie, Iâm super arrogant and I hate it. I canât drop this stupid attitude and I donât understand why.
This arrogant attitude that Iâve had for so long⌠distances my self from everyone. It places a barrier between me and other people.
Yeah⌠I can connect with ppl on a surface level, but when I start getting deeply connected, when I get personal with ppl ITS ALWAYS EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE.
I LITERALLY want to run away. Like the anxiety and adrenaline I get is insane. Sometimes I actually feel like Iâm going to pass out.
I actually think being open, being honest, being vulnerable⌠is my biggest fear.
Itâs a total mindfuck, how am I so afraid of the one thing I so desperately want and need???
And how the fuck did this even come to be?
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Iâm guessing it has a lot to do with self love and self acceptance.
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I donât even know wtf Iâm writing for anymore. Iâm extremely hungover from my familyâs Christmas dinner last nightâŚ
My uncle looked at me last night and said âhow are you single?â âYouâre so handsome, girls must hit on you all the time.â
Iâm genuinely so grateful for my looks. I sometimes think I forget how attractive I am. Cause Iâve always gotten these types of comments from ppl. And it always blows my mind. Like the way people compliment me makes me think theyâre lying to me. And they always seem surprised at my lack of awareness.
I know Iâm good looking. But when ppl compliment me itâs like I think theyâre exaggerating.
The one thatâs always stuck in my head was from a HOT girl. She actually got mad and yelled at me: âYou could have any girl you want, why donât you try?â
And even 6 years later, I still donât know the answer.
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Yeah, no doubt. But even then I question why?
Why donât I love myself? I love certain parts of myself and hate others?
How is that possible?
Especially when some parts that I hate, can never be changed.
I cannot learn to love my inferior attributes.
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Actually fuck that, I do know the answer. Itâs cause Iâm shy. I donât talk to girls.
LITERALLY.
Iâll go to the gym and be SEEN by hot girls, and yeah Iâll get IOIâs. Even from girls âout of my leagueâ. But Iâll never act on it. Iâll never walk up and talk to any of them.
I just exist in this never ending state of awkward tension between me hot girls and itâs SUPER WEIRD.
Itâs a normal occurrence. I see a hot girl, and I know sheâs attracted to me. But then I donât do anything about itâŚ
Itâs like Iâm afraid to open my mouth, because I scared Iâll make her not attracted to me. So itâs better to be quiet and maintain that mysterious attraction. Then to open my mouth and potentially kill it⌠(I know this is an unhealthy attitude. )
But why? Am I too nervous to be a smooth talker? SometimesâŚ
Am I too nervous about coming across as nervous, Insecure?
YES
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I feel like Iâm running ROM, but Iâm notâŚ
For those running it, is this the kind of internal dialogue you have with yourself?
Questioning your beliefs, finding the answers within your self?
Look up attachment theory if you havenât.
Long story short, a lot of these behaviors just stem from early childhood. It really sucks how sideways everything can go based on some treatment you had as a child, but when parents validate certain behaviors and feelings vs shun others it leads to a lot of problems.
âGoodâ vs âbadâ parts is a common strategy when we havenât been made to feel itâs ok to have certain emotions.
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Try CBD or Ashwagandha to beat anxiety out of your system.
Iâve tried both, ashwagadha makes me super depressed and careless about everything.
Iâve actually concluded that the anxiety I constantly feel isnât so much a neurochemistry problem, but rather itâs a belief problem.
I feel anxiety because of the way I think, because of my belief system, because of my traumas etc.
Supplements can chill me out a bit, but the anxiety still remains.
Hell even alcohol canât destroy my anxiety. Iâm the most hyper conscious drunk Iâve ever met. Unless Iâm blackout wasted, Iâll still feel self conscious.
I forgot to mention. I have another RICH result.
To make a long story short, Iâve been struggling financially, so I decided to add RICH into my stack.
After 2 loops, I remembered that I havenât done my taxes for the last 3 years. So I went though the process and now Iâm getting like $10,000 in tax returns 
UNREAL.
Canât wait to file my taxes for 2022, gonna be another 5-6k probably LOL LFGGGGGGGGG 
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UhmmâŚthis is about to be pretty long.
But in my defense, my paragraphs are typically one sentence long. 
Youâre on the right track.
For example, the fact that youâre confident enough to talk about feeling nervous or insecure paradoxically puts you AHEAD of lots of people.
You take care of yourself at the gym. Thatâs cool too.
What are needed are some internal things.
Iâll be making two general points here.
First point:
The main difference between living things and non-living things.
Itâs not Growth. Icicles grow. So do stalactites and rivers. (haha Debt and bank accounts grow.)
Itâs not needs. In order to keep existing, a rock needs to not get hit by a hammer.
The primary characteristic that separates living from non-living?
Desire. (and impulse).
Living things are just full of desires. Thatâs one of our primary characteristics. But hereâs the kicker.
You donât see a personâs desires when you look at them.
The primary feature. And you donât even see it!
You see their legs. Their face. Their nose. Their outfits. Their make-up.
Those things that you notice are related to YOUR desires.
âWow. So hot!â
But when you so-called âGETâ the girl? Guess what you won?
You won all of hers. All of the things she wants.
In other words, just like you, sheâs a big basket full of desires. Wow. Sexy, huh? Nope. Most of those desires have nothing to do with how sexy you are. (Some of them do, thankfully).
If youâre not ready for that basket of desires, it gets old really quickly.
Most of what happens in relationships revolves around coordinating what she wants with what you want.
And if youâre not particularly into what she wants. Again, it gets old really fast.
And that brings me to the second and main point of this post:
Second Point
Your personality. Your nature.
Right now, you go to the gym to give your physical muscles, skeleton, lungs, etc., the stimulation and exercise that can help them to thrive.
Well, youâre going to want to add in some different kinds of workouts on top of that one.
You also need to stimulate and exercise your personality, your inner process, and your interpersonal self.
People talk a lot of s**t. âGet the girlâ. âWin the gameâ. âAchieve success.â
These are misleading labels that mostly serve to confuse people.
I mean, theyâre true, kind of. But the problem is that they label side-effects instead of whatâs really primary. As a result, after growing up with this kind of talk people put their attention onto the wrong parts of the puzzle.
âClassic Misdirectionâ as the magicians say.
Example:
When you go to the gym, youâre not focused on âwinningâ anything. Youâre doing a workout. Every workout is essentially a good one; even though youâre more impressed with some than with others. And the fact that you know this is why youâre so good at working out.
But this same frame also holds true for almost everything else.
You donât need to âwinâ the workout.
You also donât need to âwinâ the girl or the date.
You also donât need to âwinâ the relationship.
Thatâs how inexperienced or inactive people think.
People who are active and successful or experienced in a particular area tend to have a more balanced and nuanced view. They tend to think more in terms of âprocesses over timeâ rather than one fixed âmake it or break itâ moment.
Once you switch your view over, insecurity wonât really be a problem anymore. Not because it will disappear. It just wonât seem as important. Fear will still be there sometimes; but it just wonât seem to matter as much or in quite the same ways.
Think about it. Thatâs pretty much how you approach the gym right?
If your goal was to press 10 pounds more than you press now. You might feel some fear (or excitement) at your next workout. But it wouldnât be a crippling paralysis. Youâll probably just do the appropriate workouts for the next month or so that will enable you to meet the goal. And when you do meet the goal, you probably wonât say, âI won the gym!!!â Youâll probably just think âcool.â and continue with your workouts.
Now think about this:
what would be the equivalents for 1) your personality and 2) your interpersonal interactions?
What would be the right workouts?
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Wow @Malkuth
This is very insightful, I may have to read that few more times to really digest everything you said.
Thatâs not always true, body language never lies 
(all jokes aside, I get the point haha)
No doubt, women desire a lot more than just looks. And I feel thatâs my issue. I always feel that I have an unrealistic expectation to live up to. Yes, I have good looks. But what about my nervous, anxious nature? I have insecurities, Iâm deeply aware of them and I know theyâre not attractive. I have flaws, many actually and because Iâm hyper aware of these flaws, I donât feel as though I deserve love. I know theyâre not a part of her big basket full of desires so itâs like Iâm a waste of space.
âHeâs good looking but heâs awkward, insecure, nervous, too emotional (or whatever else)â.
Like if I could zap away all my insecurities, dating would be so easy for me and Iâd have so much fun. But I canât seem to figure it out.
True, but how? I donât know exactly how to do thatâŚ
Talk to more people? Meditate? Practise introspection?
Very true 
So itâs not about âwinning the workoutâ itâs about showing up and âputting in the proper reps/work to achieve X goal?
Ahh okay
Okay I think I understand. But i donât quite understand working out my personality?
Like interpersonal interactions sure. Maybe smile and acknowledge people more. Then maybe make it a point to speak to 1 new person everyday. Even if itâs as small as âHow many sets do you have left?â âDo you have the time?â And build up from thereâŚ
But working out my personality? Im not sure what to do. Like would I I just choose an attribute I want to develop? (like leadership, stoicism, optimism) and think of an action or set of daily actions I can take that will slowly move me towards this set goal?
Iâm currently in some of the weirdest reconâŚ
Since washout, Iâve played:
Monday:
Khan st2 - 30 seconds
My custom - 30 seconds (which is zp1)
Thursday:
RICH - 30 seconds
Sanguine -30 seconds
Iâve been super anxious, super tired, anhedonic, stressed, angry, aggressive, full of murderous rage. Basically every negative emotion has been turned up to the extreme lately.
I actually downloaded sanguine in a desperate attempt to help me get out of this dark mental state.
Drinking over the holidays played a big role
I seriously donât think I can handle drinking alcohol anymore. I always blackout and itâs annoying. Idk if itâs cause I have a predisposition to alcoholism, or if itâs cause of the gabaergic supplements I take during the day⌠but itâs always hell to recover from and I hate not being in control.
I never get sick and I never throw up. But Iâll be casually drinking and next thing you know I blackout. Sometimes I donât even act different, but next morning I wonât remember anything. There are other times where Iâll just go crazy and act wild, but I just always seem to black out randomly and I canât predict whenâŚ
So Iâm starting to think I should just stop all together. Or severely limit myself when I do decide to drink.
My life is a fucking nightmare, wtf did I do to deserve this sh!t?
I swear my pain tolerance is too high, I donât think most people could handle having my brain. Theyâd probably off themselves.
Itâs torture. Pure torture.
Imagine being completely aware of all your problems, all your flaws and yet still not knowing how to solve them?
Welcome to my life
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Ok feeling betterâŚ
Itâs strange that I had such intense recon from 30 second loops.
Last night I played full loops of Khan st2 and Sanguine and today I feel much better.
No recon or anything. Itâs almost like my brain needed to hear the entire script. Because after the 30 second loops, I just felt angry and kept asking âWhat do I do?â âHow do I solve these problems?â
Itâs like my subconscious mind was craving the commands (or questions) of the full script.
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