Iāve come to learn this feeling means youāre lagging behind in emotional support for yourself. Itās really less about solving something and more about increasing your own emotional regulation and validation. It just seems like a really big mystery because itās like missing a vital component necessary for internal peace.
I can relate. Itās a certain kind of hell bearing witness to all the stuff you donāt want unfold in front of you just happening anyway.
Exactly, and theirs nobody to blame except me
(or yourself)
Wow, you make a good point. Itās like I have nothing but judgment and hate for myself. Theirs no love and theirs no care for myself.
Lately Iāve been looking in the mirror a lot and I just canāt stand the man that looks back at me. Iām in the best physical shape of my life, yet Iām disgusted with who Iāve become.
My lifeās been shit for the last 6 years and I just think, how did it get this bad? Am I that traumatized? How did I become so hateful and resentful of my fellow man? How did I become so arrogant? And for what reason? Physical looks? Thatās what my ego is built upon?? Thatās so f*cking shallow. If looks were everything then Iād be living a great life, but Iām not.
For the first time in my life, Iāve realized that iām the problem. Iām not a victim of my circumstances. Iām a victim of my own wrong doing.
I guess now that Iāve realized it, itās important to not scold myself but care for myself. I should be my number one cheerleader.
Just start opening your mouth around them who gives a fuck.
When you stay quiet and keep them attracted to youā¦ it doesnāt do anything. Youāre not interacting with them, getting their number or sleeping with them.
Youāre afraid of killing an attraction that doesnāt lead to anything. Attraction that doesnāt lead to anything is useless. I often tell this to people. One can get all the IOIās they want but it doesnāt mean jack shit if theyāre going to bed alone at night, or for 90% of menā¦ jacking off into tissues while watching porn.
Itās like going for a job interview. The employer smiles at you, compliments youā¦ shit, even gives you a pat on the back. None of that shit matters if you didnāt get the job.
You see the point Iām trying to make here? Lol
Itās better to be completely open and say whatever you want. This can act as a filter, since the ones who are worth your time will still be attracted if not become even more attracted.
@Matalexander305 you seem like a pretty nice and chill dude. When women see a physically attractive man, they instantly jump to a bunch of conclusions in their head. Itās very much the same way us men do when we see an attractive woman.
If youāre good-looking and not an asshole (which you arenāt) that makes them more attracted. In case youāre not understanding what I just said Iām going to reiterate.
You opening your mouth around women automatically makes you more attractive to them. This is a fact, watch this:
Woman sees physically attractive man and doesnāt know anything about his personality. That mystery actually limits him. In her eyesā¦ he could be a narc, lacking confidence, massive ego (through getting validations from his looks) or a kind, empathetic and confident gentleman with self awareness.
She doesnāt know. When your personality is in this mysterious state of superposition, of course the Halo Effect leans positively but she can only assume. There is a hesitancy in her perception of you as in, itās not fully concrete.
When physically attractive men express through being genuinely down to earth and authenticā¦ women will literally try to wife them because they are seeing the fact. They will start looking at beyond just lust and into something more akin to āthe perfect guyā.
Being physically attractive + unknown personality (positively leaning) = 5
Being physically attractive + clearly not a dick = 6
If youāre emotionally healed and naturally elevate women through any interaction - which you will eventually start to do as you growā¦ then they will become even more attracted to you.
When you open up your mouth around these women, you are basically saying āNot only am I good-looking, but yesā¦ Iām not a dickāā¦ youāre checking another box by default.
I invite you to express yourself as much as you want around women without giving a flying fuck. Youāre also signifying confidence when you do thatā¦ checking another box.
Youāre afraid to be yourself around women, not realizing that when you areā¦ youāre checking another box for them. This false fear has been sabotaging your interactions because the inability to naturally be yourself creates awkwardness. When you are open and unabashedly yourself, you create nonchalance that automatically removes any awkwardness.
Combine this with the understanding that youāre afraid of losing attraction that leads to nowhere = Youāre afraid of losing something that doesnāt matter.
I donāt know, thatās all I got lolā¦ this is all my opinion. Cheers though
Youāre right.
All the times where I was present in the moment, just unabashedly being myselfā¦ people love me. (Especially girls lol)
My problem is getting into that state. Being self conscious and hyper critical of myself is my default programming. And Iāve noticed I project it onto others.
Itās like I expect that others are constantly judging me negatively (like I do to myself).
Itās funny you say this, because I have a very serious demeanour. And Iāve had countless girls tell me Iām āintimidatingā or that I ālook rudeā but when they got to know me (when I opened my mouth lol) they found out I was the complete opposite.
Iām going to make it a point to do this more. I guess itās like working out. The more I do it, the better Iāll get and eventually it will come naturally.
Thatās an awesome mental model right there. Itās stupid to worry about losing attraction that doesnāt matter 
Thank you for the insights @Luther24 
I think itās time to retire this journal.
Just like last year, I want to write a big review/outro but I have zero inspiration to write atm.
Iāll give it some time
Idk whatās going on but Iām depressed asf.
I have no energy to do anything except work out.
My job is exhausting physically, and mentally I have no motivation to work hard, yet I can still go to the gymā¦ no pre workout, nothing. And thatās after 8 hours of manual labourā¦
Also QL st4 hasnāt done anything for me. Iāve gotten nothing done for the last 3 weeks in terms of working on my copywriting.
My dopamine levels feel fucked, for the first time everā¦ I literally donāt know what to do all day. Hell, I even been taking naps in the afternoon (which I never do)
Like on my days off, I know I should be working on copywriting, but even after 2-3 coffeesā¦ 1 hour of working on copy and Iām tired and de motivated again.
And because now Iām consciously aware that scrolling on social media and watching YouTube vids only makes that whole dopamine deficiency worseā¦ I donāt know what to do.
Maybe Iām just being soft, maybe Iāve been in strong recon and I donāt even know it. But I have serious problems with energy, motivation etc.
Sometimes all you need is a break to recover and or rejuvenate. I donāt know where you live, but sometimes winter also makes me need more rest. Itās also a new year, which is cool but might be a bit overwhelming as well.
Specially if Iāve had tough weeks at work, getting on that side hustle saddle can be hard, so I wouldnāt be too hard on yourself, although from my own experience itās easier said than done. š„²
A break can also help you reflect on your goals and challenges. Who knows what might come out!
Also khan st2 has been much better this second time around. However, like I said Iām getting super depressed and am losing all fucks to give about everything.
Itās hard to be productive (QL st4) when youāre reshaping your entire identity. Maybe this is why I havenāt been so productive lately.
Anyways, Iām excited for khan st3. Iāve come to realize that Iām lazy af and I donāt do anything. I donāt take enough action and because of that, my life is very rigid and boring.
I may stack executive with Khan st3 to really kick me into full action mode.
Iāve also noticed a problem with my passive consumption of social media.
I always watch YouTube, read articles, Twitter etcā¦ all of it is informational. Like self-improvement type. And Iāve noticed I tend to overexpose myself to new ideas, tips and all that kind of stuff.
To the point where I donāt even remember 99% of it. Itās not careful intentional studying (like I should be doing)
Itās just mindless passive consumption. Mental masturbation for the sake of entertainment. And I actually think this is harmful. Mostly because theirs no consistency in regards to the topics I read about.
Crypto, fitness, health, copywriting, philosophy, cars, personal style.
Like theyāre all pulling me in different directionsā¦ and I never choose any specific topics let alone make any concrete goals.
So the problem here is Iām wasting my dopamine on useless shit. Itās directionless and it further fuels my motivation/energy problems. I just wake up and whatever catches my attention, I go down that rabbit hole and maybe Iāll learn a bit. But I soon forget about it.
Now the hard part is going to be rewiring my brain to stop this toxic habit.
My brain wants novelty, I get bored so easily.
Also I should mention this because itās going to have a HUGE impact on my life.
Iām getting a nose job. Thatās rightā¦ Ya boiās getting plastic surgery.
BUTā¦.
Not for cosmetic purposes lol. Itās a septoplasty surgery. Meaning, I have a deviated septum (crooked nose). And Iāve had it for as far back as I can remember.
I used to be really insecure about it and one day, I asked my doctor about it. She examined it, and told me I could get surgery to fix it. Not only would it straighten my nose, but itāll greatly improve my breathing.
And thatās my main issue now. I no longer care about the appearance (though itāll be nice to have a straight nose lol) but rather Iāve always had trouble breathing. And everyone whoās had this surgery says itās life changing in that regard.
So the week after my surgery, recovery is going to suck. Iāll be stuck at home, canāt workout, canāt shower, will hardly be able to eat, canāt blow my nose, canāt lie down to sleep and worst of all, Iāll have to breathe through my mouth for a whole week.
And because Iām starting my washout nowā¦ Iām scheduled to begin my new stack on the day of the surgery. (khan st3, QL st4, and executive)
Somehow I donāt think itāll be possible to be productive during this time 
So Iām thinking of changing it up a bit for this cycle. Maybe doing something a bit more cerebral.
Perhaps I can do another round of khan st2 as itās just total reprogramming. But Iām thinking of adding in ROM with sanguine.
Sanguine will keep me stay positive during this shitty week. And ROM will perhaps help me make good use of this time of solitude.
I could also use paragon for the healing and pain management. 
The time has comeā¦
Itās my 23 birthday, and Iāve mustered enough willpower to write my outro for this long ass roller coaster of a journal.
This year has been quite an adventure. It was my first full year running SC subs and coincidentally was one of the best years Iāve had in a long time.
Itās funny, because I named this journal āReclaiming my powerā and at firstā¦ I wasnāt entirely sure what that meant. I used this title because I couldnāt quite define what I wanted to do with subs. I had a whole laundry list of things I wanted to achieve. And I could never quite focus on one thing specifically.
At first I thought this was bad, that I couldnāt set a certain goal and work towards it. But by running so many different titles this year, what I discovered was something profoundā¦
I discovered me, the real me. I fought night and day to find him, and after many unsuccessful attemptsā¦ I began my journey with Khan.
Total breakdown did exactly that, it broke down the fake Mat. It crushed my ego in the best way possible and showed me what was authentic and what was insecurity/compensation. I was shown why and where this ego came from. I was shown how I came across to others, why people disliked me, and the beautiful and authentic parts of myself that people love.
Social anxiety is tricky, there are times you think everyone hates you and that everyone is constantly judging you for every little thing you do. Khan helped me identify these thoughts, and made me realize when these thoughts arise so I can consciously combat them. And this is an ongoing battle I face everyday. Difference is now, I donāt surrender to the feelings of anxiety. I challenge them, and challenge the false beliefs that these feelings of anxiety are predicated upon.
I think itās also important to mention Stark. If you scroll to the top of this journal, youāll see my Stark/True social custom that I ran for the vast majority of this year. And I must say, it was loads of fun. Getting out there, socializing, being the life of the party, finally letting loose, singing and dancing like theirs no tomorrow. Itās amazing to just be your uninhibited authentic self.
Then theirs Primal Seduction, a big chapter of this journal was when I seduced a girl from work. Things didnāt work out but thatās fine. I learned a lot, and thatās what counts. 
And letās not forget Wanted. Though I havenāt been running it much lately, itās had a huge impact on my life. It completely changed me as a person. I started taking care of my hygiene, I developed my personal style, got into colognes and fragrances, and also got into the best shape of my life. Not only did wanted make me the most attractive version of myself. It reconnected me with that dormant side of my personality.
I forgot how attractive I was, I was clueless to the amount of girls that constantly gave me IOIās, I forgot that every girl in high school basically drooled over me, and that I not only still had those looks; but now Iām even better looking 
Beyond just looks, getting back to stark. It really brought out my charm. Iām so witty now, Iām so socially clever, and I actually know how to talk to people now. As someone whoās struggled hard with social anxiety, this was a life changing development this year.
What else? Their was my mustang story haha (Iāll get one soon enough )
Another Wanted result:
More:
The Fuego Fuego Festival:
Getting a nose job (lol)
Other results:
Canāt think of any more right now, Iām sure theirs dozens of others I could write but thatās all for now
Thank you to everyone who helped me this year. So many of you offered me great insights and advice and Iām so grateful for all of you.
Actually, I got quite a lot of life changing insights from members of this forum, these pieces of wisdom directly amplified my sub results and I noticedā¦
I donāt offer much myself? Like I donāt offer advice. Mostly because I donāt think I have much to say to be completely honest. Iām a 23 year old guy and my achievements donāt quite measure up to many of the forum members here
But still, I do know a lot about certain subjects and I want to start contributing more to this forum. Your contributions have helped me so much, and id love to return the favour.
Big thanks to:
@GoldenTiger
@enigma12
@Invictus
@bombayduck
@AlexanderGraves
@Fractal_Explorer
@RVconsultant
@Houdini
@Deadpool
@Palpatine
Continuingā¦
@Malkuth
@Tobyone
@Luther24
@TheDerpinator
@Beowulf
@SpikeDaMai
@Athanaxos
@Seeker
@Leandros
@lovage
And anyone else who helped me at all
Once again, thank you all.
Iāve reclaimed my power 