Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

[Matalexander305]

It’s also weird because the childhood friends I knew at the party, I always felt inferior to them. But now I’m starting to feel, above them. In terms of status, looks, intellect, physicality, mentality. And I don’t mean that in an arrogant way. It’s just facts, like how 2+2=4

Like when I walked into the party, I saw an old hockey friend of mine. And he stopped, stared at me with the deer in headlight look and said “yoo mat, holy shit you look fucking sexy dude!”

I could see genuine shock on his face. And as a matter of fact literally everyone does this to me now. The whole deer in headlight look is a normal part of my everyday life. It’s actually now escalated to people looking me up and down. They won’t even hide their stares, they just freeze up or look me up and down

[Matalexander305]

I’m literally the most attractive man in the room at all times. (And I’m not even running Wanted right now hahaha )

I can’t think of one time in the last month where I looked at another man and thought “shit, he’s better looking than me”.

It doesn’t happen and that’s a fucking super power. And now that my style is on point, I’m always the best dressed man in the room.

It’s so funny how I thought I was ugly when I was younger and now my reality is the total opposite. I don’t care how arrogant all of this sounds, if you had any idea how I used to see myself compared to now… you’d gas yourself up too.

Like most dudes may trump me in the height department, and I’ve come to terms with that. But I’m strong, built like a Greek god, attractive, well dressed, smell good. Every other box is ticked, to the point where I make normal dudes look bad in front of their girl. Not even on purpose, but just by being me. A literal glowing example of a well presented man.

Like if you have a group of 5 friends who all dress to a T 24/7 and you regularly wear oversized football shirts forgot to put on deodorant, bad breath, beard is all over the place, dirty baseball cap, beer belly etc. They’re gonna make you feel like shit, just by simply being around them. Eventually you’ll become insecure and start getting your act together.

This is how I feel when I go out in public, guys look at me like a celebrity and girls well… look at me like I’m an alien. A sexy one.

Anyways, that’s enough bragging for today

[Matalexander305]

Another things that’s ties into the above post.

I think people are copying me… like I wear this cultish gym brand of clothing and I used to be the only one who wore it .

Since I begun wearing it, many people now rock the same brand. I also train in under armour. Like skin tight under armour. In my gym, wearing tank tops, stringers, and oversized tees are the thing. But I said F that.

I rock, lulu’s (not actual leggings but the joggers) and under armour. It’s so tight that you can see my abs through it. (Which sucks if I’m ever bloated, that’s when the hoodies come in)

But back to my original point, I never saw people wearing under armour, like skin tight under armour to the gym. Now it’s normal. I look around and see many guys doing it. And they always look at me and nod n smile.

[Matalexander305]

Like did I start this trend lol? Maybe I’m just crazy, and I never noticed it before. The idea that I started this trend is kind of cool though.

Like I was the only one wearing compression wear to the gym. No one else did, and I was really insecure about it at first. But I stuck to it, it’s hella comfy and it really puts your physique of display.

And what’s funny is… I don’t even do it for others. Half of my training sessions are done in hoodies anyways. I only take it off if I get hot, or I want to check out my pump.

But now I’m super comfortable wearing it, and other dudes now rock compression wear too. Girls stare all the time, and they seem to like it a lot. I also think they admire the confidence it takes to wear it. Because you’re basically putting your entire physique on display. It’s basically the closest thing to training shirtless… so if you don’t have abs… don’t wear it. (Or get a six pack first )

[Matalexander305]

@Matalexander305

So I’ll talk about the strange energy I’m feeling.

I keep going off on tangents, so let’s start with music…

It sounds different. Like I’m hearing things I never heard before. I’m noticing every detail, the beat sounds slower than what I’m used to. Like music just sounds different and better.

And I’m already used to apple’s loss-less audio and spatial audio. So I don’t think it’s that.

I’ve also been seeing shadow figures a-lot. Like I’ll see something move in the corner of my eye, I’ll look and nothing is there… Happened 5 or 6 times in the last 3 days.

[Matalexander305]

Continuing…

Life has also been unusually quiet. Like despite being very social lately I’ve felt very alone. Like it’s just me and the man in the mirror. That’s the most important relationship for me right now. Maybe I’m crazy, but Ive been talking to myself a lot lately. Like in my head.

“How did I just do that?”
“Where is this coming from, you pulled that off so smoothly?”
“You’re going to hit this PR right now, let’s go”
“Who’s that sexy man in the mirror”

Like my self talk has been insanely positive. You may have noticed it a bit in my latest journal entries. To some it may come across as arrogant but I literally don’t care. If I saw another man talking so positively about himself, gassing himself up, etc. I wouldn’t hate, I’d be like “Yeah!! Talk your shit bro

“You da man!”
“And so am I!”
“Let get this money”
“Let’s get these girls”
“And let’s conquer planet earth together!”

Imagine being mad at someone for loving themself and being proud of skin they’re in? Couldn’t be me, I may have faults, and I’m still working through some trauma… but you’ll never catch me hating on someone for being proud of themselves.

[Matalexander305]

Do humans have a self destruct button? If so could someone please point me in the right direction.

Thanks

[Matalexander305]

If god is real, then he’s been testing me relentlessly.

All day, one thing after another… to say today was a bad day is an understatement. A severe understatement.

From murderous rage, to compete sadness, to feeling isolated and alone, hating myself. You name it. Today I felt it, and people noticed.

Khan st1’s having an significantly negative affect on my behaviour, my emotions and my overall stress levels. My co worker literally asked me “did you lose a family member or something? What’s wrong?”.

I feel like my behaviour is confusing others. They just see my losing my mind over small shit, but it’s deeper than that. It’s the emotional volatility that has me on edge and any little inconvenience just sets off a tsunami of emotions in me.

At one point today, I was praying for someone to talk back to me so I could cave their skull in. Obviously this would’ve been stupid and would’ve costed me my job… but that’s how bad it was…

Now’s the worst time to come asking me for things. I have nothing to give, 100% of my energy and focus is on healing. Nothing else matters anymore, I’m tired of this stupid shit. I don’t want to talk and I don’t want to be seen.

My mind, body and spirit ache. So until further notice, this shop is closed… closed for spiritual maintenance.

[Matalexander305]

So today I channeled within rage and went to the gym.

I didn’t want to go at all. Even to use the hot tub or sauna, I just wanted to stay home. But then the doorbell kept ringing, kids were out trick or treating and that annoyed me. So I went and did cardio.

First thing, I was getting so many stares from girls… and they were positive. Like smiling, ioi’s all that good stuff. And this is despite me being angry and sad. One song came on, and I almost felt like crying… and I never cry. That’s how emotionally fucked up I am right now.

And what’s really weird is… I still felt this sexy and powerful aura around me despite experiencing these heavy emotions.

I counted over 10 stares in the 30 minutes I did cardio. (And that’s only from girls) And I wasn’t even paying attention half the time. So it was probably more.

When I walked in, a girl looked me up and down. When I walked out, I caught a girl staring and she looked away, blinked really quickly and rolled her eyes. When I left the grocery store, I caught a cashier staring at me with googly eyes, she immediately shook, and looked me up and down in this submissive nervous way.

Like I’ve never had these kind of reactions from girls before, especially the looking me up and down thing.

Spooky

[Matalexander305]

Also the matrix is glitching again, songs come on that literally speak to me. Like that (Save your tears for another day) song was playing in the grocery store. Made me chuckle a bit lol.

That’s just one example though. It’s happened a few other times today, and it was always someone else’s music too.

I saw two people I went to high school with, one of them noticed me and looked shocked. Didn’t even say a word, just froze.

Like, so many other small weird things that I can’t quite describe. Coincidences, things people said, people staring at me and smiling despite me feeling like complete death.

Like something is not right, I feel like the universe is playing tricks on me. It’s like god has a little joystick in his hand and he’s been messing with me all day.

[Matalexander305]

Todays even worse

My body hurts, and I’m angry asf. I’m basically doing a two person job while injured. It’s dumb asf. Not to mention my helpers are literal idiots. QL is making me hate dumb people. I actually can’t tolerate their sloppiness or stupid mistakes anymore.

One of my co workers asked “Are you ok? Chill out man”.

Another one looked at me, smiled and said “yo, are you going through some shit?”

Hell, I got mad at someone for using my saw instead of their own. He lied to me and said his had disappeared. I showed him that his saw was still there and 2 mins later asks to swap saws cause his “doesn’t cut right”.

I took a deep breathe, smiled and said “sure”.

Used his saw once, and it works completely fine… like fucking normies.

Dude could’ve told me he was having issues instead of lying then gets mad at me for catching him.

Idiots

[Matalexander305]

@Matalexander305

My body hurts, and I’m angry asf. I’m basically doing a two person job while injured. It’s dumb asf. Not to mention my helpers are literal idiots. QL is making me hate dumb people. I actually can’t tolerate their sloppiness or stupid mistakes anymore.

Things only got worse after this. One guy I was working with talked to my boss and said I was scaring him.

So my boss talked to me and asked me to chill out a bit cause I’m freaking him out. Lol

Like I’ve said before I build roof trusses so I work with wood that 2x3, 2x4, 2x6 up to 16 ft long. So when I started throwing these pieces violently over small stupid mistakes… I can see why he was scared. At one point I threw a heavy 2x8 piece, and when it fell the tip of it fell right on the heal of my boot. I freaked the fuck out, threw my hammer so hard that it broke another piece.

That was the breaking point, I took that as a sign to chill out before I actually self destruct…

@Matalexander305

Do humans have a self destruct button? If so could someone please point me in the right direction.

Thanks

In the last two days I’ve injured both arms, my left ankle, my hand and my back. All cause I was raging and acting like the fucking hulk. I was literally limping all day and constantly grabbing my elbows in agonizing pain. All because of the rage from khan st1…

This sub is not for the weak… at all. It actually kind of scares me…I actually kind of scare me.

[Matalexander305]

As stupid as I’ve been acting, I still can’t find a single fuck to give. I feel zero shame or guilt. I mean obviously once I realized I was affecting my other co workers, I chilled out a bit. But beyond that, I don’t care.

What’s crazy is all the rage, and anger is because of me. It’s not because of what others have done to me, that’s not why I’m mad. I’m mad at my past self, all the dumb shit I’ve done, said, how I acted. The people I let into my life, the people who I allowed to influence me, the people who I allowed to hurt me. It’s all my fault, not theirs. People are going to do what they do.

Everyone knows the story of the scorpion and the frog. And Hurt people hurt people. Only difference is I don’t want to hurt others, so I’ve somehow managed to hurt myself instead.

My co workers could’ve been in the best mood ever, and I couldn’t care less. I wouldn’t try and drag them down to my level. That’s not who I am and that’s not what I want. Most people would cause they enjoy co-miseration…complete fucking losers.

I’ll suffer alone thank you very much, enjoy the sunshine. Seriously. I know I will someday, but today just isn’t that day for me.

[Matalexander305]

I write all of this for

#1. It’s important that I remember these hard times. It’ll make me appreciate and enjoy future life so much more.

#2. To show you that khan is no joke. St1 will hurt. Badly. It’s no joke. I worry that if it fell into the wrong hands, someone could cause serious harm to others. Not just mentally but physically. The idea that an audio file could cause this kind of reaction in me, and with such intensity is kind of frightening.

The thoughts, ideas and feelings total breakdown is triggering are very uncomfortable and hard to process. However, theirs a strong underlying feeling of empowerment. It is healing after all. As terrible as it feels, it also feels amazing and liberating.

If you’re reading this and you wish to run khan one day. Just remember that with great power comes great responsibility. Look after yourself, be mindful of your words and your actions. Take time for yourself, be alone. Meditate, take deep breathes. Unplug from all external stimuli and listen to your inner voice. You are not your emotions and you are not your thoughts. You’re EXPERIENCING these thoughts and feelings… but know they’re fleeting. Know they’re not you. You control how you react to these thoughts and feelings. Don’t allow them to control you.

And if you think becoming a khan is easy, and that you can rush through the process…

God will laugh in your face. You’ll see

[Matalexander305]

Chris Brown - Hope You Do (Official Video)

[Matalexander305]

Emp black couldn’t have come at a better time. The last two weeks showed me that partying, staying out late, over drinking, and hanging around normies is the complete antithesis to what I want to achieve.

(Note: Holy sh!t, QL has me using fancy words that I forgot I even knew lol)

But seriously, it’s garbage. It’s not even fun. Unless I’m a healed man. One who’s got everything on track. Physical health, mental health, finances in check, productive and disciplined, virtuous and principled , a rich romantic life… and perhaps even a rich spiritual life?

Idk what to think about spirituality at the moment. I’m certainly not an atheist, but I also think most spiritual shit is useless and leads nowhere. But I’m young, and I don’t know anything, so I’m probably wrong about that. And I also believe in focusing on the basics before advancing to higher knowledge, so it’s not a priority right now.

But yeah, partying, chasing girls all that normie crap is boring unless I’m a man of high status. Until I can walk into a party or club and have everyone turn their heads and whisper “Who is that?” then I don’t care about going out.

[Matalexander305]

These last two weeks, when I did go out, I fell back into old habits. Mindless scrolls, over indulging, relaxing, not working on my goals.

I felt horrible. I was making great progress , then I fell off. So I clearly can’t balance these right now.
I need to focus on one thing and I’m choosing my career. Copywriting.

Fuck going out, fuck clubbing, fuck getting drunk, and most of all fuck wasting my time.

I’m going monk mode. It’s hard, because I’ll be swapping my stark/true social custom for emp black. Which is a total 180. My custom is designed for socializing, which is a weak point for me. I actually worry that social anxiety is going to get worse if I drop my custom. It’s the only thing that ever made me feel semi comfortable in social situations (besides alcohol) and the thought of dropping it scares me.

I actually worry a lot about going too introverted. The worst times of my life were when I was completely alone. No one to talk to, no one to text. And honesty, not much has changed since then besides the fact that I have a few friends and people I go out with now. But I still don’t text anyone. Literally at all.

[Matalexander305]

Maybe a few people just to make plans. But consistently texting someone? Hasn’t happened in over 5 years. Like maybe there were a few short periods where I talked to a girl and did that whole texting thing, but it never lasted. I some how always managed to self sabotage.

God, I don’t know what to do anymore. My social life has been SHIT for years. I think it’s the number one reason that I’m unhappy. I can’t connect to people, I can’t show them the true depth of my character, I’m always trying to micro manage my actions and words to make others like me. And then I end up feeling like an empty vessel.

Like why the fuck was this stupid programming installed in my brain. Everyone else can be themselves and be comfortable in their skin. Me, I can’t. I get crazy anxiety any time I start getting open and vulnerable with others. And when the anxiety gets too intense, I became totally detached. I go terminator mode.

I swear I’m not dropping khan st1 until this shit is solved. I may venture into st2 to see if it helps my progression but st1 needs to destroy all this shitty programming that’s holding me back from enjoying an abundant social life.

[Matalexander305]

So as it stands, I’m still going to drop my custom. Emp black will only be for 1-2 months then I can get back on my custom.

I’m nervous, hope this is the right call

[Matalexander305]

Do You Mind (Official Video)