Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

[Matalexander305]

There was nothing that compared to that feeling. Quite honestly, I didn’t even need the praise. If I landed a trick with no one around, I was still ecstatically happy. The praise only amplified the victorious feeling I got.

One thing I will say is that it taught me perspective.

I was always tough on myself, I’d get angry if I couldn’t do a certain trick. So then I’d stop and go do tricks I know I’m good at. And everyone would be like

“Woah where’d you learn to do that?”
“Can you teach me how to do that?”
“Are you sponsored?”
“How old are you kid?”
“You should sign up for some competitions”

Like if it weren’t for these people praising me, I would have no perspective of how great I was. Because my only point of reference was YouTube and the other skateboarders. So I always saw the best skateboarders and compared myself to them. Which made me feel inferior (hmm🤔)

There were always older skateboarders that were insanely good. And I always felt inferior to them. Id see them do crazy stuff and think to myself “I’m not even good.” But then these same guys would praise me for the stuff I did and show me new moves. And that made me feel special.

[Matalexander305]

Now, between skateboarding and hockey. I learned a lot about myself. I learned about my strengths and weaknesses, and how to improve them, my limits, how I measure up to others, the excuses I tell myself and many more.

And as fun as it was, I think it was form of self improvement. I had no idea how positive an impact these two sports had on me until now. I now look at my life and it’s very evident to me that quitting these two sports has left me feeling empty and lost.

It’s not even about hockey or skateboarding specifically, but I’m missing competition. I’m missing WAR.

Training in the gym doesn’t satisfy that need. In my view, training like a bodybuilder is the equivalent of jerking off. I lift weight so I can be strong, look good and be healthy. Great, everyone should.

But to lift just to stare at yourself in the mirror, and pretend you’re tough because you lift a few weights in your properly air conditioned gym, blasting music while hyped up on 3-4 different stimulant’s that taste like liquid skittles… that doesn’t make you hard. And it certainly doesn’t mean you can fight…

[Matalexander305]

I’ve always considered myself tough. But every guy has this anger delusion, “if someone tried me, I’d get so angry, and I’d beat him up!”

But if you’ve never done it… how do you know? I’ve never been in a real fight. Never had to, I’m lucky. But that leaves me with a feeling of uncertainty. Can I fight if I need to? What would happen if I got in a fight?

I can’t operate from uncertainty. Men need to know how to fight. We need to protect what’s ours.

So, I’ve said it before… but after my training program is finished. I’m gonna sign up for a boxing gym. I think I’ll do Muay Thai or kickboxing. It’ll be 1v1, I’ll develop authentic toughness and strength (both internally and externally), I’ll have my limits tested again and again, I’ll have to face my fears and overcome obstacles, I’ll compete on stage in front of an audience, and it’s all down to me. If I win it’s all on me, if I lose, it’s all my fault. I don’t rely on anyone but myself in this sport.

[Matalexander305]

@Matalexander305

I had a little mishap last night… I’ll get to that later

I’m getting way off track.

So after the game last night, we chilled at my friends place and drank a bit. We were getting ready for the club and I decided to pre drink.

I thought, I’m trying to save money, clubs are expensive… so I’ll have 2-3 drink before hand.

I had a Caesar and 2 rum and cokes. But there were a few problems here.

1. The rum and cokes I poured weren’t measured. So they were likely double or triple rum and cokes.
2. I hadn’t eaten much that day, and had already drank at the hockey game.
3. I took l theanine before the hockey game which can amplify alcohols depressant affects.
4. I forgot that because I haven’t been drinking as much lately, my tolerance was lower than normal,

So when I got to the club. I was already drunk. Then my friend bought me a double rum and Coke… and I blacked out.

Only thing I remember was smoking shisha with the DJ, and next thing you know we were back at my friends place.

[Matalexander305]

Supposedly I was just acting crazy, like I was just too excited. Combine that with the fact I couldn’t walk straight and we were dancing in a Latin club…

So my friends had to take me home. And what’s funny is as soon as we got back to the apartment. I came back to consciousness. I was still drunk, but I could actually think and talk, and not stumble around like an idiot.

I asked them, “Why did we leave so early?” And they told me I blacked out and they had to take me home.

I was so confused… this very rarely happens to me. I’m a good drinker, I know my limits. But because I cut back on drinking so much over the past few weeks, my tolerance is considerably lower and I guess I haven’t adjusted to that yet.

[Matalexander305]

Today was oddly great. Played my custom - 1x

Woke up today feeling great, went to work feeling open and social. I didn’t feel closed off, or detached like I usually do.

So a little backstory. On Friday my boss was showing this pretty girl around the shop… which means he’s hired her. When I first glanced over at her, she was already staring at me and held eye contact for a solid 3 seconds.

To say I was intrigued was an understatement. She had this strange aura about her. It was very mysterious and alluring. She also had resting…. You know what face. (Trying to follow sc guidelines)
Anyways while we locked eyes, I gave her the same look (as it comes naturally to me too) and I noticed a small smirk develop just before I looked away.

Immediately I left my work station and walked by her, and she was staring at me again… this time with a little smile. Then an older lady that works in our shop looked at me, smiled and raised her eyebrows. I started laughing and she just pointed at the girl. I found it so comedic.

[Matalexander305]

So today, my boss introduced us and I can’t lie… I was nervous. Like what is a girl THIS HOT doing at my work place?

So he said we’d be working together, so we walked together towards the table and I didn’t say a word to her… fuck I was so nervous I didn’t know what to say. And I can tell she’s the shy, quiet type… so that doesn’t help.

Anyways, this girl fascinates me. It so weird, but when I look at her… it’s like she’s staring deep into my soul. In certain regards, it’s like she’s a mirror image of me, just female… it’s so weird I can’t really describe it better than that.

So all day i catch her starting at me multiple times. What was funny too, my co worker made a joke about his wife getting mad at him for eating the last cookie. He then asks if she would do the same to her boyfriend and she just smiles, looks at me and says no and laughs in this super innocent shy tone.

After that I was like ok, game over. She’s into me.

[Matalexander305]

There was another time where the same thing happened as Friday. I looked at her with a straight face, and she did that little innocent smirk. I don’t know why that’s so significant to me. We both share this serious resting face and I think we both see it in each other and somehow find it comedic…

But real talk, on a deeper level I’m worried that this is a form of trauma bonding.

Should be interesting to see where this goes…

[Matalexander305]

So after work, I get to the gym and the front desk was packed with staff. It was unusual, so I sign in and like 3 staff say hi to me one after another.

It was kind of exhausting lol, 2 were hot chicks and I actually ignored one of them (my favourite one). It’s funny cause I can tell she’s into me… actually it seems like a lot of girls at my gym are into me suddenly.

There was this one girl, hot Asian type. Looked Brazilian. I caught her eye one time, didn’t think anything of it. Then I began noticing her more and more. She just stuck out to me, occasionally I’d look near her direction and she’s quickly glance at me. It was all very subtle though. So now this girl was intriguing me a bit.

[Matalexander305]

After training arms, I decided to train abs. But I couldn’t decide what exercise I wanted to do. So I slowly walked around the gym looking for something to do. Before leaving the weight section, I realized that girl was standing at the water fountain. She quickly looked up at me as I turned and left. All this seemed strangely coincidental, like something out of a movie. Idk if it makes sense to most ppl, you need to experience it yourself.

So I’m now in the open area, still deciding what I want to do for abs. As I’m slowly walking and glancing around, the girl comes up behind me and stands at the same station as me. It’s like she was copying me or something. I then grab a mat and decide to do plain old bodyweight crunches.

[Matalexander305]

I lay down my mat and another girl walks in front of me, lays down a mat and starts doing hip thrusts with a dumbbell. I think “ok I just have a dirty mind, I’m gonna ignore her”. (Lol) The other girl starts doing abs 10 feet adjacent to me. I thought “ok maybe I’m just full of myself and none of this means anything”.

So I just start training and ignore the girls. I start making the rest of my workout playlist, do a set, go back and change the song, do a set and finally after my fourth set. My abs are sore af, I jolt up grab my stuff and see the girl is RIGHT BEHIND ME. Like less than 2 meters, it kind of freaked me out. Like why did she move so close??? And right behind me… thank god I was only on my music app.

[Matalexander305]

She was just casually stretching…anyways as I walked out of the area lots of people were staring at me so idk what’s going on but I like it. I’m also noticing a strange hint of jealousy coming from some men at my gym. Maybe I’m just now noticing the all the attention I get from women, and maybe they’re jealous?

Who knows, today was rather fun though

[Matalexander305]

Also, as I was driving home just jamming to my tunes… a girl ran across the street with her dog. Like 2 seconds later and I would’ve hit her, it totally threw me off guard. Idk how I didn’t see her from further.

As I drive past her, I saw that is was one of my sisters friends… the one I made out with while blackout drunk.

The matrix is glitching… I don’t know what to make of this anymore. I’m going to bed.

Good night

[Matalexander305]

I forgot to mention, Saturday night. I was talking with my friend and his Colombian girlfriend about western women and why I now prefer Eastern European and Latin women.

Somehow this evolved to my friend saying “Yeah Mat likes (insert his gf’s friend from these posts. I’ll call her Maria)

Summary

@Matalexander305

Last weekend I went to a Latin dance festival with my friend, his girl and one of her friends. And her friend is f*cking gorgeous. I remember, when she first walked through the door, I was like woah…

@Matalexander305

I say what’s up to everyone. I ask “So what are we doing?” And she says “You”, their was a split second of awkward silence

@Matalexander305

As we were salsa dancing, she turned me a full 360 degrees then turned herself half that, and we were so close and intimate for a few seconds… it completely threw me off my dancing jheezus

@Matalexander305

Then she’s like “you’re very handsome, all my friends think you’re very cute. They’re like omg, who is that? Is that your boyfriend?”

Her friend says “ooh looks like you have a secret admirer”.

Before I could even say a word, she was like “Omg really???” Like she got very excited. I just facepalm, smile and say “Yeah she’s cute”. Then she says

“You know, she’s a really good person”. She goes on to tell me about how when she broke her ankle while roller skating, Maria carried her for multiple kilometres back to her car. Drove her to the hospital, stayed with her overnight. Visited her everyday, brought her food. She also said that she’s studying psychology and wants to become a child therapist. Blah blah blah… all kinds of stuff.

It was cute, how she was basically selling her friend to me. I actually thought Maria came across as a bit self centred at first. So, to hear this was kind of heartwarming. So now I may see a development with that girl, I’ll have to see

[Matalexander305]

Something is weird. Something is off. Something is just not right.

The energy in the air is strange right now.

I’m not a super spiritual person, but I’m very attentive to energies. You can walk in a room and feel the energy, people’s moods, and the kinds of thoughts they’re thinking. And Energy certainly lingers…anyone who’s visited Auschwitz can attest to this.

Hell, you can feel my energy through this journal, through my writing.

Anyways, I’m just noticing a strange feeling around me. Like a new chapter has begun… and theirs this element of fear to it. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the unexpected. I just feel like things are going to get very weird. Both good and bad.

[Matalexander305]

I’m very optimistic regarding the future of my friendships, family, romantic relationships. That’s all good. But theirs a sense of fear too. Mainly I fear I will outgrow them. That I will have to leave my tribe.

Most of the people I’ve come to know and love aren’t compatible with the man I’m becoming. When I hang out with most of my friends, I feel dragged down in a way. I feel like I have to downplay my life and always be humble. I can’t talk about what I’m working on, or my aspirations. They don’t speak the same language as me. I like talking about ideas, philosophies, mental models, making money, fitness, etc.

They talk about past memories (which is fine occasionally), sports teams, other people and their accomplishments, school, drinking and other drugs.
Like I have nothing to really say about most of these things. The worst is when they’re talking badly about a friend of theirs and expect me to take sides and talk shit with them.

Guess I’ll have to drag them up with me or leave them as they are.

[Matalexander305]

You know what I’ve come to realize?

I resent normal people. Average people. NPC’s. The ways they talk, act, work. It genuinely annoys me.

So I have this strange contrast always going on. I love my friends and family, but a part of me dislikes them. And when I see these flaws, I immediately measure myself up to them just to feel superior. Usually this is just internally, but there are times where it slips out and people notice my feelings of superiority. Like here:

@Matalexander305

At the end of the night, their were some guys asking for the girls numbers. They asked if I was with any of them… and I guess when I said “no”. It was in an almost dismissive tone. Like the girls weren’t good enough for me type shit and that’s not how I meant to come across.

@Matalexander305

The girls got a little mad at me, “Are we not good enough for you?” “I was taking to (insert girl A’s name), and she was saying that I’d totally F you, but not with that attitude”. The other girl said the same thing… and I was kind of like wtf.

This is something I’ve done unconsciously my whole life. I think what I just described is one large reason for this inferiority/superiority complex I experience. I can’t not measure myself to other people. Life is a competition to me and it always will be.

However, I still think I can learn to be indifferent. To accept these flaws and differences that’s other people have.

I actually think I can extrapolate this idea and direct this mental model towards myself. What I mean is, maybe if I’m more indifferent and accepting of peoples differences, I’ll become more accepting of my flaws. And by doing this I will heal this inferiority complex of mine.

[Matalexander305]

@Matalexander305

You know what I’ve come to realize?

I resent normal people. Average people. NPC’s. The ways they talk, act, work. It genuinely annoys me.

Know what else? Everyday is a fight against my programming. The way I was raised was to be an average nobody that’s nice to everyone and never rocks the boat. So part of me resents myself for having these “normal” habits, mental models, thinking habits etc.

So in a way… I guess I hate myself. (Another strange contrast, because I love myself a lot)

I didn’t get to choose who programmed me and who influenced me growing up… it’s like I was just handed this programming which therefore handed me this personality I now have. So now I resent my family, friends, colleagues and my own self.

To take it even further; I hate the people who programmed them, and the people who control the news, social media, politics. I basically hate everyone yet I somehow love everyone…? (Well maybe not everyone)

I’m such a perfectionist, why can’t I just learn to be accepting of human flaws… why am I cursed with this incessant need to be perfect all the time. Why do I unconsciously project my own insecurities onto others even though I consciously know it’s asinine?

God, I wish the human mind had an owners manual. I’d read that thing up, down, backwards, and sideways until I knew every little detail by heart.

[Matalexander305]

So I’ll talk about the strange energy I’m feeling.

I went to a Halloween party last night. Was fun. My friend was supposed to come but never did. (And I had this intuitive feeling that he wouldn’t come way before the party.)

My one and only female friend was hosting and she seemed a lot more interested in me than before. She’s like family to me, I love her but she’s always been a bit… idk self centred, and just very surface level? Like she has depth to her character, but it’s like she hides it behind a mask… (kind of like me, lol creepy)

Actually now that I think of this, she’s like the female version of me. We are so different but so similar. Our experiences are very different, but we have a lot of the same problems, interests etc. She’s like a mirror, when I look at her I see myself… is that strange?

So it was weird cause when I saw her I noticed this. I saw myself in her. And I was kind of half listening to her talk, because I was just so taken back by the look in her eye and her behaviour. It was different, I think she’s really been healing internally. Anyways, I’m happy for her. (And for me lol)

[Matalexander305]

She kept asking me lots of questions and when I got sidetracked or interrupted, she would revert back to the original question. Like she was showing genuine curiosity.

Actually, I forgot. She posted something on IG a while ago about struggling with perfectionism and I sent her a large paragraph. Giving her helpful and actionable advice, telling her she’s amazing, smart, beautiful etc. Basically, I told her all the things I would’ve wanted to hear (and needed to hear). And she was so grateful, and thanked me with a 1000 heats and all that stuff lol.

But after giving her the advice, I noticed she stopped the perfectionist tendencies and procrastination. She used to be super obsessed with posting the perfect picture, perfect caption etc. Now she was free. She posted whatever her little heart desires and it worked for her! Her insta is awesome and I’m a bit jealous now lol.

So, I say all this because I think I shocked her a bit when I sent her all that advice and stuff. I think it really impacted her for the better and I can tell she really looks up to me now.

So that was weird.