Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

[Matalexander305]

QL st2’s focus effect is really kicking in. I find myself easily getting into the flow state and just getting lost in my work. Im often surprised when my phone alarm goes off (to take a break) or at work when it’s break time. The time seems to just fly by.

Even at home,I’m always busy now. I never relax. Even if I’m taking a rest from work, I’m still watching a podcast related to business, sales, copywriting etc. I never indulge in mindless entertainment.

However contrary to my first point about QL’s focus aspect. I’ve noticed my mind is still a bit scattered. While working last Friday, I recall a moment where my brain switched though 5 different subjects in the span of 2 minutes.

I went from thinking about a girl I once dated, to hearing a random song in my head, to thinking about the work I was doing in front of me, to another idea I wanted to journal about, to what am I going to do this weekend. I literally thought about all 5 of these things in the span of 2 minutes.

So clearly my brain still has so damage control to do. The human mind wasn’t meant to multitask, so I need to get this scattered thinking under control. I need to stop randomly “thinking” and start deliberately thinking.

[Matalexander305]

Welp, I made it 2 weeks without any significant recon.

That changed today lol, wasn’t all that great tbh. Just thought a lot about how everything in my life is on track. For the first time, I’m doing all the things I know I need to do to achieve success for my fitness goals, my financial goals, my current job and general life skill acquisition.

But I’m struggling with socializing and dating. Like I don’t want to be friends with most people. I’m not interested in “chilling”, smoking weed, video games, partying like a maniac all the time, talking about pointless shit, watching stupid YouTube videos and Netflix. And that’s what most people do… most people are average, and I don’t want to be average.

[Matalexander305]

As for my dating life:

I’ve actually stopped being attracted to most Canadian girls. Not because of race, (I’m white). But it’s their attitude, the way they’ve been indoctrinated with modern feminist propaganda, progressive liberal insanity, and just all the degenerate crap that the west encourages young girls to do. I look at most of them as if they’re clones, npc’s. They all have the same opinions that didn’t even originate from their own thinking, most walk around trying to act like men, and they all think twerking in the club to cardi b and getting excessively drunk is attractive.
They’re just all traumatized… I don’t want anything to do with them.

And then all foreign girls I know are beautiful, traditional, graceful, kind, sweet, loyal, humble and fun to be around. They believe in love, they don’t have these giant egos, they know their value, and they won’t get with any old chump just for a one night stand. They also have cute accents which is

[Matalexander305]

So idk what I’m getting at anymore. I guess my whole outlook on my social and dating life has changed a lot. I should start taking action towards improving these two areas. But honestly, I don’t want to focus on too many things at once. Again, the human mind can’t multi task. (At least not efficiently)

Right now I’m focused on learning copyrighting and that’s it. If romance manifests, cool. But I’m not going out of my way get girls. It’s just a distraction. I have good momentum with my productivity and copyrighting. I’m gonna stick to that.

After all, I’m running khan st1 which is a healing sub. Now is the time to be a bit more reclusive and contemplative. Action taking on the social aspects will slowly ramp up as I get to st2, st3 and finally st4.

So I’ve decided to run it again next cycle before moving onto st2, that way I’ll give myself a bit more time to really heal my masculine core so I can re emerge more powerful than ever… ready to conquer every empire in sight

[Matalexander305]

Khan total (mental) breakdown is working… yikes today was bad.

I had crazy borderline rage at work today. I made 2 stupid mistakes one after another which set me back a whole hour. To say I was angry was an understatement. Like always, I don’t take my anger out on others, but the wood I was building with certainly took a beating.

I actually paused to think “Is the even recon? Or am I just angry at my current situation?” And I concluded that it’s both. Yes I was mad that I fucked up at work. But the rage came from the recon I faced.

Om my way to work this morning, a song came on that immediately brought me back to my best time in high school. Back when I had all the hottest girls after me, hot girls from others schools who I didn’t even know thirsted after me. Like it was crazy. It happened so fast, and I was so uncomfortable with it.

[Matalexander305]

Continuing…

Guys envied me, and girls wanted to be with me. And I could never accept that. I always had Stockholm syndrome. Girls would always say “How do you not have a girlfriend?” “You could have any girl you want, why don’t you try?” But truth be told I was shy, super shy. I was afraid of rejection and I still am. Back then I probably could’ve had any girl I wanted, but I was afraid to make a move. I didn’t know how to make a move. I still don’t know how to make a move.

Anyways as I was driving, I was thinking about all this. And I just slammed my hand against the steering wheel and yelled “wtf is wrong with me, why can’t I just talk to girls like a normal fucking person. I have every advantage besides height, what the fuck is wrong with me. Why can’t I just accept that I’m attractive, and go and get girls. Why am I afraid of the one thing I want most.

Am I afraid of intimacy? Am I afraid of being vulnerable? Am I afraid that the girl will find out I’m flawed, she’ll lose attraction then leave me? Am I afraid I’m too weak to handle a hot girl? And if any or all these things are true? Why? Where did this shitty programming come from? Why do dudes who are uglier and softer than cotton candy have hot girlfriends and I’m sitting here alone with my hands pressed against my skull.

What’s missing? Give me the fucking puzzle piece already, I’m tired of this shit.

[Doc]

I feel you…
Was or still am in a similar boat like you.
When i was running wanted and Ps and stark
A door started to open up for me in this direction but i couldnt step through…
After a couple cycles i felt that something was missing and decided to make two sed customs with enjoying life and happy carefree modules
Stark/SS and Wanted/ LB4H
Listened to 3. One wealth custom with emperor and hom.
And my carefree/ joy and social abilities epecially whith women at work skyrocketed after the second cycle and im now in washout. The best washout ever only bloom and feeling sexy and special as fk.

But the approach part is where i still struggle…i dont know… i can talk to strangers without problem. The thing is that i dont have much time to go out and meet women because of work and regeneration and am meeting women only when i go shopping or have another task to do.
And when i see a women and we lock eyes and i feel and know that she likes me i dont pull the trigger and focus on the task i have to do…dont know, maybe im too dump or not healed enough.

It would be great if @SaintSovereign and @Fire
Could create a lifecharger booster espacialy for approaching to pump you up sexually and motivate and focus you on approaching women when you go out for those people who are having a hard time.

Many would be very gratefull for such a masterpiece dont know if its possible to get such an awesome push but you guys have created such unrivaled life changing products that im sure you could think of something special in this direction

[Geoff]

The pressure of expectation can paralyze action.

[Matalexander305]

Another trash day

I thought yesterdays rage was bad, todays was even worse and it won’t go away.

I’ve been walking around all day ready to cave someones head in. Every little thing annoys me. Everyone annoys me.

Anyways I’m done I’ll just conclude this entry with a song

Lil' Wayne - Drop The World (Dirty Version)

[Matalexander305]

I’m literally angry about everything.

I don’t understand recon, I’m not even consciously aware of what subconscious beliefs are being challenged right now. And that annoys me, am I just supposed to guess what actions to take?

I’m tired of sitting on my ass wondering how to fix my fucking life.

I wish I could talk to my 30 year old self, and have him tell me how to fix my shit cause I’m getting really impatient

[Matalexander305]

Shortly after writing those two previous posts, I came across this video. I think the universe is listening… weird

Multi-millionaire reveals what's missing in the modern man Part 1

[Seneca]

@Matalexander305

I wish I could talk to my 30 year old self, and have him tell me how to fix my shit cause I’m getting really impatient

You can in meditation.

Look into quantum jumping meditations that are out there. You basically meditate and imagine meeting the You from a parallel universe that already has what it is you want.

Then you ask them questions on how to obtain it and let your subconscious tell you or you imagine embodying that person and all the knowledge/wisdom they have.

[Matalexander305]

Know what’s weird… I’m suddenly in a great mood

Recon is so funny

[RVconsultant]

@Matalexander305

wtf is wrong with me

The thing about the subconscious, if you ask a question, it might answer. If you ask, “what’s wrong with me”, the subconscious might answer with a list of what’s wrong with you, and perhaps even make some shit up.

@Trader care to comment?

[Trader]

Yep. The quality of the question determines the quality of the answer.

The BEST short-term questions to ask (in MY opinion) are outcome-driven action questions.

What can I do TODAY to (outcome)?
What can I do TODAY to help me (outcome)?

[Matalexander305]

I had a little mishap last night… I’ll get to that later

Went to a hockey game, first one in 3 years and I had a great time. It’s funny, I usually don’t like watching people play sports, I’d rather be playing the game than be a spectator. But I actually had fun watching the game. Our team won, the fans were full of energy, everyone is friendly and passionate about hockey.

It was nostalgic for me, because hockey was an important aspect of my childhood. I actually think the quality of my life has suffered since I stopped playing. Something about the inherent warrior aspect of it, going to battle with your boys, performing under pressure, overcoming loses and other obstacles, practising and honing your skills, going to tournaments, winning trophies, and mvp awards. Now I see why men love hockey so much (and all team sports for that matter).

My favourite part was the fans. I loved putting on a show. The pressure you feel when 100’s of people are watching you (including that pretty girl from school you invited) is both nerve wracking and intoxicating at the same time. If you mess up, everyone judges you, if you make an amazing move everyone cheers you on.

[Matalexander305]

So after going to the game, I kind of miss it now. But honestly I don’t see myself getting into hockey again. It takes too much time. But I still feel as though I should find something to replicate it. To fulfill that inate masculine urge for conquest.

Like obviously I’m doing that by learning copywriting, as I progress and become better, get my first client, the get to 10k a month… and then keep evolving from there. Yes that’s conquest… but I need the physical aspect. Specifically the competitive aspect.

I need to be competing against other men, demonstrating my skills and talents, displaying them in front of a crowd. I don’t care what any spiritual guru says about how that’s “seeking external validation.” Like you literally massage crystals with your 8 inch arms and think not busting nuts turns you into a super hero. Someone needs to give them GLM. Handle the 3D before you start jerking off in the fifth dimension.

[Matalexander305]

After reminiscing on my hockey days. I started to remember the things I didn’t like about it. And the main thing was working with a team. I don’t like relying on others, I don’t like spreading the recognition and allowing leeches to take credit for my skills.

Let me try to explain this:

In hockey, everyone focuses on who scored the goal. But it’s not always the best player who scores the most. The best players SET UP GOALS. I believe it was Wayne Gretzky who said “A good hockey player plays where the puck is, a GREAT hockey player plays where the puck is going to be.” I read that when I was very young and it always stuck with me. That’s what I always did. I always set people up to score. I put myself in the best position to get my team to score, not necessarily to get myself to score.

[Matalexander305]

I was a team player, as everyone should be. But the selfish players, those who kept the puck to themselves, and wanted to outshine the whole team just to score. They often got the most attention and praise from fans. The selfish players were always the “best”.

So I always felt like an enigmatic kind of under dog in a way. My style was unique, I was a great player but I also had times where I fumbled bad and people didn’t like me cause of that inconsistency.

However, the people who really understood hockey, the real fans, the coaches etc. They always noticed my skills, and would often praise me in a 1 on 1 setting. It certainly made me feel special and occasionally coaches would use me as a reference when making speeches.

“Do you notice how Mat does X?”
“How many of you can genuinely say you do X?” “None, he’s the only one.”
“And you wonder why he gets special treatment?”
“You wonder why we never yell at him”
“A lot of you talk badly about Mat, but you know what? He’s actually one of our best players.

And in these times, everyone would humble themselves and acknowledge my greatness. Even if they didn’t like me, they all respected me. But then most would snap out of it and go back to their old selves.

[Matalexander305]

So I never felt like I got the respect I deserved… In hockey.

However there was another world I was involved in. I loved hockey, but I also LOVED skateboarding. In skateboarding, everything is down to you. You don’t rely on anyone except yourself.

It’s more of a recreation than it is a sport. You don’t have coaches, theirs no real rules, you just pick up a skateboard, learn tricks, then learn more complicated tricks, then do these tricks on bigger ramps etc. And if you get really good, you can apply for sponsorships and compete in skateboard competitions.

So I was an incredible skateboarder. For my age, I was extremely good. Like I was going tricks that full grow adults couldn’t even do. I would constantly fall, hurt myself, get back up and do it again until I finally landed my trick. And when I finally got it, I’d feel like a million bucks. Everyone would cheer me on, and praise me for my talent and skill. And I knew it was all down to me. 100% of that praise went to me. I did that trick, no one helped me, it was all me.