Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

Journals - Major Programs
#724

I swear, idk whatā€™s wrong with people nowadays. What happened to the days where we could have different opinions and still shake hands and be friends? Thatā€™s completely disappeared from our modern day society. Itā€™s like the mentality of ā€œyouā€™re either with me, or against meā€ has taken over and I think itā€™s so toxic.

So when they see this change, they distance themselves from me. Itā€™s like they think my kindness is a facade when itā€™s really not. My tough demeanour is simply the armour I use to protect myself from harm. Itā€™s who I am, just like how Iā€™m a very generous and kind person but people have often taken advantage of my kindness, especially growing up, so Iā€™ve had to develop these dark triad, alpha qualities in order to protect myself.

1 Like
#725

So were they just using me for validation? Talk about a one sided relationshipā€¦ to be used for your looks, kindness and praise? All for self gratification? Sadā€¦Is that all I have to offer, approval? Is that my only value?

My opinions are controversial (Kind of like Tate), but Iā€™m a small dude (5,7) but I walk with power and confidence, Iā€™m in fantastic, shape, my demeanour is tough and serious, Iā€™m an above average looking man, dudeā€™s girlfriends fancy me ALL THE TIME, I talk fast, I use complex words, Iā€™m not dumb, Iā€™m perspicacious, I see everything. I notice people often get jealous of me. And they hate me for it.

Iā€™m just trying to understand why Iā€™m so controversial. Itā€™s easy for people to love me, and just as easy for them to hate me. And I worry that the people who love me, love me for the wrong reasons.

1 Like
#726

Everywhere I go, people give me this weird ā€œshockedā€ look. Like deer in headlights kind of look.

Men and women :joy:

Like every women I talk to I now, theirs always an underlying sexual tension present. And even if girls consciously play it down, cause of boyfriends, the situation, they still look at me with googly eyes :eyes:

Iā€™ve also been really paying attention to body language lately. Not just my own, but that of others. And itā€™s so helpful. Iā€™ve noticed girls leaning into me more, touching me more, getting close to me, staring when Iā€™m not looking etc.

Wanted and my custom are lethal lmao. Canā€™t wait to accomplish my productivity/financial goal, so I can get back on Wanted

2 Likes
#727

I swear QL has some sort of body language analysis scripting. Itā€™s like I can see right through people. Even over the internet, I can predict peopleā€™s actions, their feelings etc.

Itā€™s kind of freaky

5 Likes
#728

If I had to guess, some sort of Intuition Enhancer module parts in QL. Pattern recognition too?

#729

Are you still on QL ST1? Do you feel the stage 1 give what you would expect from full Limitless? Can you review this stage 1?

#730

Yes and yes, I donā€™t recall reading about any intuition enhancing scripting in QL but these may be why Iā€™m experiencing it.

ā€œThe moment where you will be able to see the cogs of the machine, the lines of reality that make up events, chance, situations, people.ā€

  • Improve fluid intelligence, ability to critically analyze and create novel solutions.

  • Develop true understanding, see the truth of things.

2 Likes
#731

Only ran 2 loops so far, yes.

Iā€™ll give it a full review once Iā€™m done ST1. So far Iā€™m very impressed. Havenā€™t ran limitless before, so I canā€™t compare the two

2 Likes
#732

Intuition is off the charts lately.

Yesterday I grabbed my things before leaving work, but as I started walking towards my carā€¦ something felt off. I felt like I was missing something. I immoderately turned around and realized I forgot my hoodie.

Same thing happened this morning, I was sure I had everything. Except I felt like I was missing something, so I went through my routine real quickly in my head, and realized I forgot my sweater again.

But then I dawned on me, did I leave it in my room? Or is it still in my car from yesterday? As I was thinking this, I was already about to walk into my room. Then my intuition went off again, and I just turned around without even checking. Went to my car and saw it was still there.

So my intuition is becoming really useful. Itā€™s almost like a superpower when it comes to understanding things

2 Likes
#733

Know whatā€™s weird?

Iā€™m doing a training program for the first time ever. And finally after 7 years of training, Iā€™m in the best shape of my life.

And you know what? I literally donā€™t care. At all. I literally stopped training for 2 weeks out of the blue, obviously Iā€™m back to my schedule now, but for some reason Iā€™m not fulfilled. Everyone compliments me, tells me I look amazing, I get stares from men and women all the timeā€¦ and it doesnā€™t make me happy.

Itā€™s like Iā€™ve achieved everything I once wanted, and now itā€™s become a chore. Like breathing, I have to train. Itā€™s just who I am now. So that makes me think that perhaps theirs another mountain I need to climbā€¦

:thinking:

1 Like
#734

Is anyone told you that you are looking amazing :)?

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#735

Sounds like yourā€™re in the beginning of a more spiritual path at the moment, I know what you mean by not being satisfied, and that usually the start for a deeper search and more hidden meaning of lifeā€¦

2 Likes
#736

Si :slight_smile:

1 Like
#737

Oops, this was a different post that I had in drafts lol

Continuingā€¦

I want to run Heartsong eventually, I keep lusting for something and I donā€™t know exactly what that is yet. I could go be a f*ckboy and have all the sex I want, I could seek a deeper connection and get a girlfriend. But then I canā€™t explore my optionsā€¦

I donā€™t want to just have sex with people casually, itā€™s weird. I like having a connection, having that romance aspect is important to me. Fuck buddies doesnā€™t sound appealing to me. But I also donā€™t want to date just to break upā€¦ but I also donā€™t want to get locked down before exploring my options. My god, the dilemma is real :roll_eyes:

Anyways, only reason Iā€™m posting this because itā€™s been on my mind a lot, romance. Idk why, Iā€™m running Ql, Ascended mogul and my Stark/TS custom. I should be more focused on productivity, leaning copywriting, and my custom is for being more extroverted, having more fun when I go out etc. (Socializing is an important aspect of my life that needs to be worked on so thatā€™s why I still run it)

Maybe itā€™s Wantedā€™s bloom effect? Basically any girl I talk to ends up liking me eventually so maybe I just need to close the deal so to speak?

2 Likes
#738

Also, I think the reason I want to date multiple girls is because I want to explore whatā€™s out there. Like what kind of girls do I like most? Which would make the best mothers? Which would I have the most fun with? Stuff like this.

Eventually Iā€™m having kids, and Iā€™m not sure what kind of girl Iā€™d want to be the mother of my children. Tbh, most girls donā€™t really impress me much, they may be fun in the short term, but long term? Hell no.

1 Like
#739

Why tf am I so emotional, all the time. I swear, my rage is insane at work. I can hardly control myself. Even if people walk near me I almost want to violently shove them away from me.

Iā€™m gonna have a heart attack if I keep this up, but I have no idea how to control anger. Itā€™s like Iā€™m to tired and too passive to be assertive and lead my subordinates. Also on top of that, I resent them because theyā€™re so slowā€¦ like why tf do I work construction? Iā€™m way too smart for this

1 Like
#740

Goddamn, reading this journal makes me feel like someoneā€™s writing my thoughts, itā€™s a little freaky actually :sweat_smile:

1 Like
#741

Great minds think alike :clinking_glasses:

1 Like
#742

Last weekend I went to a Latin dance festival with my friend, his girl and one of her friends. And her friend is f*cking gorgeous. I remember, when she first walked through the door, I was like woahā€¦

We walk to the festival, start dancing, she teaches me some of the basics. Then we decide to get food, I get a taco an my friend decides to go to another food stand with his girlfriend. So me and the hot friend sat and waited for them.

Wanna know how long they took? Over an hourā€¦ to get some anchalatas smhhh

So I got to know this girl real well. Sheā€™s so fiery, so passionate, so idkā€¦ fun? Like thatā€™s totally my type. Extroverted, loves to dance, sing, have fun, do adventurous shit. I love it. So she told me a bunch of stuff about her, where she came from, what she thinks about westerners, her values. Like she was an open book to me, I hardly talkedā€¦ it was so easy :joy:

Then I asked her what she does for fun, and she pulled up her insta and showed me her pole dancing page. (No sheā€™s not a stripper) but she does pole dancing, and other acrobatic type stuff, and I was fascinated to say the least. Not only was it hot, but it was beautiful and artistic very much like dancing ballet, it was very sensual, I was completely mesmerized.

After, we go back to dancing; and she grabbed my hands and started dancing with me. I didnā€™t really know what I was doing, but she showed me the way and according to her and everyone else, I was really good haha. At one point she was showing me all these twists and turns and I started feeling some chemistry in the air. The way she looked at me, smiled at me, the way she grabbed my hand, I could feel her attraction.

As we were salsa dancing, she turned me a full 360 degrees then turned herself half that, and we were so close and intimate for a few secondsā€¦ it completely threw me off my dancing jheezus :sleepy:

After the festival, we started flirting a bit more. Before she left, I hugged her and whispered ā€œget home safe okay?ā€ And she completely melted haha, it was kind of cute.

3 Likes
#743

This weekend, we went go karting and she was there again. And this time, (somehow) she looked even better. I found that weird, but whatever lol canā€™t complain.

But it was a little awkward, see after the festival. I was tagged in an IG post by my friend. So when I saw her IG, I followed her. She accepted my requestā€¦ but didnā€™t follow me back :face_with_raised_eyebrow:

I was likeā€¦ wtf why? Everything went great that night. So for a few days, I waited and then she posted a pic. I liked it, which I rarely do to girls pics and she still didnā€™t follow me back. So I thought F this, unfollowed her.

So back to the story, now sheā€™s there at the go karting and I had no clue she was coming. So it felt a bit awkward. Anyways, I say whatā€™s up to everyone. I ask ā€œSo what are we doing?ā€ And she says ā€œYouā€, their was a split second of awkward silence, then the other girl starts talking about what they were planning on doing.

2 Likes