Same here @Lion. The hope of what is to come is what makes me continue with this journey. Although pain and sadness are currently in my way, I know a better future lies ahead.
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@d1gz why do you think its worse that ST1?
@Lion youâve come to the fork in the road syndrome. Holding two incompatible beliefs at the same time. Here is where I damn near had a panic attack! Have you had random bouts of anger?
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@Michel - yes. I have snapped at some people, my folks included. Although it is lessening. Possibly reduced thanks to my meditation practice. But yes, there is noticeable rage, at myself and the world in general. Am sure this will pass.
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Day 10
@Michel, @AMASH, @d1gz - there is a movie called âMongol - the rise of Genghis Khanâ. You can find the full movie on youtube with subtitles. Watched it many years back but felt inspired to watch it again while listening to the Khan sub. It is a worthy movie that tells the tale of the ascension of boy to man, and then from man to Khan. Something we all aspire to be. It is fictionalized of course but all stories provide lessons to learn from.
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The thing is @Michel, I really donât know. My theory is that although ST1 is called Total Breakdown, and that itâs purpose is to break you down and remove the clutter and garbage, one cannot be fully broken down. You will only be fully broken down once everything in your psyche is removed, thus turning you back into a babbling baby.
Whereas ST2 is called Total Reprogramming, with the purpose of âreprogrammingâ you into a different person. However, going back to the fact that there will always be some remaining programming instilled in you after ST1, this may contradict whatever your subconscious perceives as the new programming.
In ST1, you find out about your mistakes and faults. But that does not mean there are no more other thoughts, perceptions or habits that may go against ST2 programming. This clashing of ideas, makes it difficult. Especially if the old has been deeply ingrained into you.
I donât know if this makes sense, as looking back, this seems a bit counter intuitive. However, this is the only explanation I can think of. Maybe @AMASH has other ideas as he has more experience with this.
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Total Psychotic Breakdown for $99 doesnât sound like a best seller, although the black market might be interested j/k
Maybe as ST2 is wide ranging, and possibly personality-changing, reconciliation would be more severe?
@Lion Ascension of the boy to man, man to Emperor, Emperor to Khan, Khan to Alchemist 
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Day 11
A breakthrough day in terms of making my mother understand why it isnât healthy for children to stay with their folks. Dad is more understanding in a âsacrificingâ kind of way.
I had always wrestled between making myself happy and making my parents happy. But I never liked the idea of obedience because obedience is for slaves.
I was finally able to make her understand why children are gifts and not property (which is usually hard for many old fashioned Indian parents). And that I donât need anything to be given freely to me to achieve my independence.
I only need some help in regaining my health, and the rest, I will strike on my own. I also made it clear that I am not asking for permission anymore. That it is high time I do what I desire for myself and that is what each person owe themselves.
She frankly told me that in time she has come to respect my choices based on the good opinions others have of me.
I know that we should follow our life path regardless of what anyone thinks of it. But today has resolved many of my childhood hangups thanks to Khan ST1
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HAHA that line was quite epic bhai
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Congratulations @Lion! Impressive breakthrough indeed. I know how hard it is sometimes for parents to let go of their children. When I went to college, I remember my dad telling me that my mom was crying on the way home after dropping me off at my dorm.
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@d1gz - very true. For a long time I was supportive of their plans for their life. I told her that itâs not that I love them less for wanting to do what I wanted to do. And I encouraged them to fulfill their desires out of their efforts instead of waiting for others (like their children) to make them happy. Whether that is their children getting married or giving grandchildren. Because honestly, no one can make someone else happy. All they can do is to know themselves and follow their bliss. Thank you.
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Very true indeed. It is often said:
Happiness comes from within. Therefore only you can make yourself happy. Only you can decide what you want to feel. Although hard sometimes (and I admit difficult for me too), we decide how we want to tackle each day.
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Day 12
Switching to masked stack for a while since I have relatives over and the laptop and Bluetooth speakers which I use for ultrasonic are in use for entertainment purposes.
The thing to report for today is a feeling that ST1 has become smooth for me and I feel a level of confidence that is showing in the way I speak. I feel way less worried about what am saying and what others think of it, making what I speak more impactful. There is still room for improvement but I can see that I am âclimbing up the stepsâ of self assurance.
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@d1gz - true. Previously, I used to always tiptoe around people even when disagreeing. Now I allow my masculine energy to say it politely but firmly. If people feel bad, it isnât my fault.
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