Day 12 - Unleash Yourself - Khan ST1 & Limitless - Rest - 9/17/2024
Going even further back into the past now. TB is like mental time travel sometimes, yet with the boost of emotional regulation from Limitless, it’s all very easy to allow to arise without strong and distracting emotions.
It’s brought back memories of one of the key reasons why I’ve always avoided healing. I’m impatient, very impatient. I don’t like sitting around, I don’t like “waiting” for things to happen. However, there is a serious irony here, the irony is that if I were capable of overcoming these blockages on my own, then I would have done so already, because I’ve been aware of them for years. Hell, I’ve been aware of them since my first cycle on Emp and LD all those years ago. The other irony is that I don’t need to wait at all, I’ve created a situation of waiting.
It’s also been my goal to overcome them all this time, yet…nothing’s ever stuck for me, and there are reasons for this.
Regardless, my mindset is pretty simple: I would rather have “nothing happen” for 4 months on TB, than to relive the old cycles again. I never, ever want to see myself reach so high again just to watch it all fall. Never.
Failures will happen.
Patterns will happen.
This is about creating new and better patterns. I think? Sure, why the hell not, ehh?
I’m an electron, and my goal is to jump to the next orbital.
I’ve accepted that true freedom is…well, kind of an illusion, in a sense, at least the way that my mind has often framed it. But that’s just philosophical absurdism, right? It’s like, when you take anything to it’s logical extreme, it tends to break down and become absurd and idiotic. Freedom in that extreme sense, is kinda absurd and idiotic.
What does it even mean to exist outside of the limitations of this world? That’s a question that’s come up recently.
Maybe my own mind is just failing to see further, probably is failing to see further. What does that even mean? What does it mean to exist outside the limitations and confines of this world, yet also to exist within it and be able to function, lol?
I don’t really know.
Maybe I need to find an archetype that’s currently alive?
Like…if it’s possible, someone’s done it, and, well, there’s, like, billions of people around, right? So, there’s gotta be someone out there who’s done it, someone who I would actually be able to take inspiration from.
Or, is this whole line of thinking just more of the same? Just another manifestation of a toxic desire to be someone else, to be like someone else?
I guess that’s up to me, isn’t it? We’re social creatures, we rely on each other to learn and grow and theory test, and move forward. So, maybe we all gotta have role models and inspiration, regardless of who we are? Right?
So, who’s the dude? Who’s the dude that exists outside of the limitations of the world, and yet lives within the world.
Examples that come to my mind are all self-made individuals, right? They are a pretty good.
See, and now I’m wondering about my incessant need to try and philosophize and make sense of the world around me. It’s tough not to do it, because it’s how I was trained, it’s what I was taught, and a previous version of myself invested a lot of time and money into trying to become a philosopher whatever the hell that even means anymore.
Day by day, I grow to detest philosophy though. But it’s a self-disgust, isn’t it?
All theories break down when someone slaps you in the face, in that moment, all there is, is a face, a hand, a noise, and a feeling. For a brief moment, there is nothing but SLAP and that’s just how it is.
However, SLAP isn’t a good philosophy of life.
Well, that’s where I’m at, in this moment. I’m wrestling with wanting to understand how things work in a vain effort to be more effective in life, while also witnessing what appears to be evidence that it doesn’t actually matter. That you can do whatever the hell you want, regardless of if you understand the rules of the game or not.
Hell, I’m wrestling (yet again) with the understanding that people who appear not to “understand the game” seem to be better players.
But I’ve had that insight before, but…I’ve never done anything about it. So does that mean the idea is wrong? Or that I’m just a lazy idiot who should just piss off?
Is that true? What’s true? Who knows?
Who cares? Why does it matter?
Well, it matters because I allow my mind to spin, endlessly to spin, to turn and turn and turn. And it’s all so much trash, or is it?
Yeah.
See, I guess I’m just trying to sort out my own head, to build my own principles for success, so I can just shut the hell up and get it done.
Is that just more trash? Is it just overthinking trying to justify itself in a roundabout way of causing inaction?
Remember what I said about philosophical absurdism? Well, the above is a perfect example of it. I keep reducing and reducing and reducing until I get stuck and want to put my head through a brick wall, and it’s all so pointless, isn’t it? Lol
So…yeah, there you go, recon on full display.
Good stuff, good stuff…
Hmm, well, that’s that, I guess.
Regardless of the tone of the above, I actually feel pretty good. The only issue recently has been feeling very, very, very lazy. But, that’s a call to action, not so much a problem. The other issue is that my mind has been even more active than normal and I’ve been talking to myself A LOT, which I also know isn’t really helping me, it’s actually seeming to make me worse.
Writing is useful, because it fully externalizes the thoughts inside and allows me to actually see and analyze my own thinking in a way that’s useful. Talking to myself…Well…sometimes it’s useful for solving problems, but more often than not, talking to myself is pretty useless. It expends a lot of energy, and then I tend to just forget anything of substance that actually came of it.
Oh! Hey, I could do an audio journal…That could actually make talking to myself somewhat useful.
Point remains though, talking to myself is mostly harmful because I need to chill my mind out, I need to stop jumping to conclusions, I need to stop attempting to explain and justify what I see and feel, and instead, I need to work with what I see and feel in a way that’s actually practical and useful.
