What benefit do you feel three minute loops give?
I was running the whole fifteen minutes but @Fire posted the other day about not overloading your subconscious processing queue so I thought I would give shorter loops a shot for a few cycles.
This is by far my favorite title of all now. I have never felt so much emotional control in my life. I can let go of shit that would eat at me for no reason. Itās a weird but very welcome feeling. I gave spent so much of my life being told that I was somehow obligated to care about things , situations, and people to the point of extreme overwhelm and burn out. To the point that I actually had a couple of minor meltdowns or crazy crying spells over the last few years.
I absolutely despise being an emotional person. Itās so draining.
That and I continue to see growth where I wasnāt necessarily aware of it previously. If that makes sense? Itās a level of awareness I didnāt know was possible. I can pull back when I feel something becoming too much. I didnāt have the ability to do that before which made things difficult at times.
Iāve also begun learning not to take someone elseās moods or whatever current mental deficiency as an attack on me personally. People are shitty. As much as I fought with this for so long its true that itās not on the person to change for your convenience. Itās on you to change how you respond. It doesnāt entirely feel right saying that because I feel that itās an excuse for people to be as shitty as they want with no obvious consequences but whatever.
Life would be a whole lot easier if people were willing to look at how they are and maybe not seem to go almost out of their way to make things unnecessarily difficult for others but it still happens. Itās one of lifeās many harsh truths. People for whatever reason feel justified in being how they are . I want to go the other way and always have. I donāt know how to describe it other than saying I want to be sort of invisible to a point. Not drag attention or drama into my life if I can avoid it. Iām fine with being quiet and boring. That comes with time and developing patience and resilience.
I donāt talk much about why I feel the way I do so often so I figured I might as well open up a littleā¦ My issues I mentioned before fall under FOMO or Fear of Missing Out. Always comparing myself and my life to others. Working on healing has made acceptance way easier. Before I would always assume there was some reason I couldnāt have something in my life although I didnāt understand how much of that I was creating myself by always sabotaging myself. The other aspect is that I have had to work on letting go of socially based expectations. Being raised to believe I had to achieve or aquire whatever it was that would increase my outer status and all that supposedly made someone a successful person and adult.
I spent so much of my life focused on that and dealing with my insecurities and immaturity that I lacked the awareness to not only put a stop to it all but really realize and understand how I wasnāt at all emotionally invested with anything I thought I needed to have , be, or do. I may have thought I did at the moment but often it eventually passed .
I make comments about how I donāt understand how people will go out of their way to make things unnecessarily difficult for other people. The lady I take care of for my job is a perfect example. She refuses to make any part of my job easier even though she could and very easily.
I now see that I was doing that to myself as well. Not at this moment but in the past. Out of insecurity and immaturity I allowed myself to get involved in relationships and living situations that I could probably have easily avoided had I really thought about it and realized it wasnāt what I wanted at all.
I may need to continue running this for a while to see what might develop.
Probably a good idea that Iām not in a hurry to run anything else for a while
Yeah you and me both. Iām hoping Phoenix will help me resolve the self sabotage that has plagued me for most of my life