This journal serves as a continuation of Project Find My Purpose
I am still running UniStack (Limitless, House of Medici, and Emperor)
My goals as stated in PFMP are no longer my goals. I failed to achieve those. I am still thinking through my new goals. The general theme is discipline. I have signed up to take on more responsibilities next year and my overall goal is to make sure they are all taken care of.
My previous journal ended on Cycle 14. After Cycle 15, I took an extended break from UniStack. I returned to it recently i.e. I am on my 16th cycle. I started this cycle with microloops of 30 seconds each on Day 1, 1 minute on Day 2, and 2 minutes on Day 3. I am now at 4 minutes. I did this so I could attempt to observe any differences in how I express UniStack.
Up until 2 minutes, I do not experience any fatigue after listening. Past 2 minutes, I fall asleep a while after listening. On listening days, I do find myself thinking more about studying/trading/etc. Basically anything productive. I haven’t felt any “forcefulness” to act on these thoughts but they do persist. When I have acted on the thoughts, I don’t feel that it is easier to do. Things might change as I increase the length of the loops.
So far, this has solidified my belief that subliminals will not make me do anything. I must make the choice. I must take action. They act as the good angel on my shoulder but I must choose to act in accordance.
Thought about updating this journal. I’ve completed my 16th cycle, and am currently on my 17th. My primary focus has been on stopping pornography/masturbation. I feel that it has become so ingrained in my life, I am struggling to move forward in other areas. That said, it’s been a mental struggle. Physically, the withdrawal symptoms are basically non-existent. It’s the mental battle that’s exhausting. Coupled with feelings of loneliness/inadequacy/emptiness/etc, I find my brain looking for ways to trick me into giving in. I have spent entire days, “playing chess” with my mind. Fortunately, I’ve come to terms with the fact that the addiction is triggered by the feelings I mentioned, and isn’t any real desire to watch pornography, but rather an attempt to escape. No more escaping, I hope.
Doubts are creeping into my mind regarding UniStack, and subliminals in general. I just had dinner with a friend and 2 acquaintances, and I felt something I haven’t felt in a long time. Not only from the interaction with them, but from the interactions leading up to it. My voice is “muted.” I felt sheepish and reserved. I felt like I had no confidence in myself. On the other hand, I haven’t been able to work even though I have 3 decisive exams starting in 3 days. Overall, I feel like I have regressed. This morning I had actually made the decision to stop listening to UniStack for the next 6 weeks or so (until school started). My mind is struggling to come to terms with the relative progress given how consistent I’ve been with this stack (16 cycles/just over a year). A symptom of the fear I have of wasting my time.
On a more positive note, I have refrained from pornography for longer than I have in quite a while. I have discussed this slightly in my previous post. I hadn’t realised just how sexualised my thinking had become. I’ve also had some thoughts that have made me question my sexuality. Though, I’m still pretty sure I’m heterosexual.
Decided to reduce exposure instead of stopping.
Don’t have much to write.
Not sure exactly when I stopped pornography but should be about 2 weeks now. I’ll stop keeping track once this month ends.
Still have yet to set goals. Waiting on my final exam results.
What is your stack?
Looks like a great stack but a big one too. At one point I was running something almost similar: HoM, Emperor and EOG4. Just make sure you run your stack for a long time to reap the all the benefits.
Some potential opportunities. A friend invited me into some project he is starting. Unfortunately, I couldn’t honestly promise him the level of commitment he was looking for. That said, I am working on an investment project with my mentor (not trading mentor, btw) and a couple of other guys. The approach is very different from what I’ve been doing. We are approaching this using statistics to develop a model that will provide reasonable buy/sell signals.
Energy levels are really good. I feel like I have some life in me. I’m now looking into being more secure in myself. It’s sad that a lot of pornography addicts think the low energy is normal. I thought so too.
Also met a guy today who told me he has been trading for 6 months and his trading mentor helped him get funded. I’ve been trading for a year with no clear progress. I’m hoping he is open to introducing me to his mentor.
I don’t know if this is the right platform to vent. Probably not but I just need a place to checkpoint my life.
Things seemed to be looking up until today. Got some bad news regarding my academics. I really don’t know what it will mean for my future as of yet but it really sucks to be going through this. I can feel that this is a big deal but I feel emotionless. My eyes tear up for 2 seconds but I never cry. If things really go south, I have no idea how I would move forward. Everyone in my life has all these expectations of me. The only people that don’t are the ones I’m embarrassed to stand in front of (My mom and little sisters). It’s very easy to say formal university education doesn’t matter anymore when you spawn into the right life. Anyway, although the situation is not as dire as I’m making it seem, I can see it getting worse. I feel powerless. I hope this is all a dream.
It probably feels so overwhelming that it doesn’t feel real.
What are you planning on listening to for the next 10 days?
Do you have Sanguine?
Do you have Limitless or QL?
@RVconsultant, that’s a good way to put it. Thanks for engaging with the journal, hopefully my response below answers your questions.
My cycle ended on Tuesday so I’ll only be starting up again Monday. I’m planning on listening to the same old – UniStack: Emperor, Limitless, Emperor: House of Medici. I don’t plan on changing the stack until I either stop listening or achieving what I consider an embodiment of the stack. Any other way doesn’t really make sense to me.
What about microloops?
Generally when I don’t have time to listen to the stack in a single session, I’ll opt for microloops. Rarely though. I used microloops in my previous cycle (cycle 16), as well as here and there in other previous cycles. From my experience, I didn’t notice a significant effect warranting primary use of microloops besides the reduction in fatigue. However, I haven’t experienced the fatigue I used to experience when I began, which could definitely be to my reduction in listening time compared to when I first started the stack. I like to believe that after year with the same stack, my subconscious has acclimated to full loops of the stack. 
Tomorrow is the end of the month and I will cease to track my days since I stopped pornography. I expected that by now the psycho-physical “cravings” would have stopped but I still feel the heat. That heat is probably something that men normally learn to live with but given how young I was when I was introduced to pornography, I didn’t learn to be okay with it. Another possibility is that I’m hyper-sensitive to this “heat” because my neural pathways have been programmed to “seek and destroy” this sensation. We’ll see if it settles into the background or not.
With this, I’m also considering avoiding alcohol as well. I’m not a casual drinker but I can recognise how the “habit” is developing similarly to when I was introduced to pornography. At first, it’s only for special times. Then it’s casual. Soon you’re hooked and trying to stop. Might as well stifle it now. Surprisingly, I feel the need to include coffee in there as well. Something about the taste it leaves in my mouth long after drinking it.
When it comes to my trading, I’m starting to wrestle with the idea that I might have been scammed by my mentor. If I settle on the idea that I have, then I think I’ll just attempt to start over and develop my own understanding.
A reflection on this past week. Lots has been happening. I’ve been keeping busy for most days. Not really productive-busy though. Throughout this week, I’ve had this theme in my mind: Am I enough now, or will I be enough later? The primary trigger for this is when a girl catches my eye and I pretend not to notice. I “ignore” my interest and tell myself that I’m not ready. I tell myself that I still need to get fit, I need more money, I need more knowledge. Though these might be valid, they are self-diagnoses with no evidence to back them up. How can I know whether I’m ready or not if I haven’t even engaged in the activity at all? I am using these as excuses. That’s the truth. Now what? I don’t really have much of a way forward, so for now, I’ll let it either brew or pass.
I didn’t realise my 18th cycle should have ended last Sunday. Anyways, the theme introduced in this cycle has been “Self-acceptance.” I’m slowly starting to organise myself. I resumed journaling and scheduling. I started exercising as well.
Slowly, I’m structuring my life.
The only “missing link” is the financial side of my life. Still not much light. I contacted my forex mentor and he offered some encouragement, but I don’t know what to make of it. I’m doing an investment management course and the analysis introduced in the textbook is nothing like the technical analysis I’ve been exposed to.
I’ve added a lot of activities to my list of pastimes. Social Frisbee, Reading, Tai Chi. I’ve also taken on a lot of responsibilities. I need to be careful not to stretch myself too thin. However, as my 8th grade math teacher used to say, “A busy boy is a successful boy.”
Cycle 19.
Now that I’ve freed myself from pornography, there is a battle in my mind for the crown. Lust, Social Media, Procrastination. I think the Procrastination and Social Media are one in the same.
Lust has been building within me and I have decided that instead of attempting to squash that feeling. I should learn to redirect it. I haven’t figured out how I’ll do it but I know it must be done.
Social Media refers to my excessive YouTube usage and my increasing WhatsApp and Instagram usage. I have decided to cut off YouTube completely. Although, I might not be in the loop with current happenings in society because I don’t use any other source of “news”, I am still going to free myself. Obviously, if I am directed to a particular YouTube video, for example, because of school, I will use it. The same applies for anything that does not relate to my aspirations.
Now that I’ve eliminated one of the contestants from the battle (Social Media/Procrastination), all that remains is Lust. I will focus on mostly working and fulfilling my duties. By going to the opposite extreme of Procrastination, I hope to gain some insight. I hope that by gaining the ability to direct my lust, I may use it as my servant and not let it become my master.
I relapsed. It sucks. I thought focusing on work would be an adequate outlet.