Getting to a nice place of being content with where I am, what I have.
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Iāve been feeling physically exhausted for awhile now. I think itās a part of a healing process. Looking forward to my body (and mind, ofc) leveling out with all of these recent changes.
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Had a dream/vision (idk if I was fully asleep) involving my adopted family, particularly my dad, that upset me.
Nothing really serious happened, justā¦ Strange.
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Since beginning WTP, Iāve been speaking out more. It actually extended to the leadership meeting we had at the church yesterday, where I āchallengedā something that the pastor told us.
I couldnāt hold it in, I just felt it building up and translating to my facial expressions, which I usually keep pretty neutral. Then, I restated what he said and used an example and asked if I was on the right track.
He confirmed and I couldnāt help but shake my head and say, āSorry, I just donāt understand that.ā
Just about everyone at the meeting when he had given the initial statement was confused by it as well, based off of watching them.
The basic gist of what he said was, "If someone faults you, say, āIām sorry.ā
Iām sorry, hwat?
My example was:
I asked, āSo if Iām sitting here, minding my business, and someone walks up to me and smacks me, I should say Iām sorry?ā
He smiled and nodded.
Thatās when I said I donāt understand that.
He used Jesus as an example and I said, āI donāt remember Jesus saying Iām sorry once in the Bible.ā
He then frowned and brought up when Jesus was being crucified and said, āFather forgive them for they know not what they do.ā
I cut in and said āYeah, thatās not saying Iām sorry pastor. Thatās forgiveness. I can tell that person that I forgive you and I have done so for more than a slap.ā
He said, āNow youāre just playing with words.ā
I said:
Thatās when I felt the room shifting to his side of things. Even my mom had the audacity to say, āSaying youāre sorry would make you humble, son.ā
I stared at her for like a second or two and looked back at him and decided to drop it.
HOWEVER.
I can get behind feeling compassionate for what someone is going through that led them to slap me, to continue my example. I can even feel sympathy.
Distress? Negative. Not my fault.
Pitiful? I mean, Iād be in a sorry state if I got the:
But āsorryā was a sorry choice of words. Could have just said say, I forgive you.
Idunno.
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Older women are showing a lot of attraction to me lately. Iāve noticed more than one older woman gazing openly at me from my peripherals, sometimes right next to me.
Older ranging from 40-60. I wouldnāt call a 35 year old olderā¦
Iām 30 now 
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I feel this.
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Yeah. It simply falls to me to discern what in my psychology causes me to get so irritated in a situation like that. 
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My skin has a nice sheen Iām starting to see again. What usually follows is my eyes start radiating.
Iāve seen this on OG Wanted as well.
Iām assuming itās primarily from Khan Black ST2.
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Iāve been feeling more drawn to wholesome content lately.
Started a new show on Netflix today called This Is Us on a whim. I like it.
I also havenāt been listening to rap music nearly as much. In fact, besides the NFTW Theme Song, I donāt remember the last time I looked up rap music.
Seeing other people, like parents with their children or just kids having fun, people being kind to one another, encouraging each other brings a smile to my face.
Also, my desire to āgo out of my wayā to make things happen with a woman is really, really diminished.
Iām still coming to terms with my, recently realized, unrealistic expectations of women Iām talking to. Iām not in the clear just yet inside of myself but, that day is quickly approaching.
I donāt remember the last time I masturbated either. It was before our move to this new apartment, so over 2 weeks I suppose. Iām not really tracking it (obviously) and itās not something I really think about except as the idle thought here and there.
ST1 of KB if I recall my own entries made me very much disinterested in sex or masturbation and pornography wasnāt even a blip for awhile. This seems to have continued onto and compounded my extended use of KB ST1 in that regard.
Itās not that Iām not interested in sex. Itās just notā¦ Urgent. Iāve had hard-ons for certain women, and indeed that day I talked about in the jacuzzi, there was a moment between a woman and I, that happened to walk by. All we did was make eye contact several times as she hung around with her dog, seeming to me to be hovering for a bit longer than necessary. We exchanged smiles a few times but when I had called to her to ask how sheās doing, I noticed she had in BT headphones.
Iāve experienced it before but it felt like intoxicating arousal, but. Not. Lust.
I couldnāt explain it to anyone who thinks that lust and sexual desire are synonymous. Tāwas a delicious feeling but I had to turn away and bite my damn arm to ground myself.
Anyways. Just getting stuff out of my head.
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Had a dream about my mom and our leasing manager 
I donāt remember much besides apparently my mom catching me in a lie or something and it infuriating them and sending them on the war path against me.
I also had a dream about my old apartments and a couple of the people I used to hang out with. The one guy seemed far more timid towards me than I remember.
I donāt remember too much other than him telling me to do some dance, āEat it Upā.
I said wtf is that 
and his cousin proceeded to do the dance. I was studying his movements when I woke up.
I looked it up and yeah, itās a song that I heard him play many many times, but I didnāt see a dance to it.
At least Iām remembering dreams somewhat.
I also think I slept longer last night and when I did wake up around what I assume was 1-3 (I donāt check my phone), I fell back asleep.
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Also, running my custom for the first time, followed by Ascension Chamber.
Both full time.
PLAYER One: Savant II
Primal Seduction Core
New Romance Core
Charisma & Flirting Automatic Mentor/Improver
Power Talk
Instant Spark
Kingās Radiance
Edge of Falling
Focused Arousal
Seducerās Gaze
Panther
Hegemon
Song of Joy
Enchanting Smile
One Scent
Virtue Series: Kindness
Dominion
Stillmind
Sexual Manifestation
New Dawn
Potentiator
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Got logged out. Something must be happening on the forum.
Anyway, smooth loops. Only the barest hint of pressure afterwards. Iām impressed by KBST2 and now this, and the major PS. Canāt really detect the feelings Iām used to getting cerebrally with loops.
I almost miss it.
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Between someone that is accustomed to lying and someone who wraps the truth in carefully curated lies, I would prefer the company of the former.
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My flow in kindness was the first thing I noticed from my loop this morning. Itās translating well to my patience as well.
Kids are pretty open with me. I had a baby continually waving and smiling at me in line at the thrift store today.
This group of girls were walking towards me just now, 3 near my age and one younger girl. The older women all somewhat avoided my gaze; only the little girl caught my gaze, smiled and waved and I waved back.
Now the same little girl is roller blading in front of me on the stairs where I am chillinā and her I assume big sister is hovering around somewhere close. As soon as I looked at her, she about faced and disappeared like 2 minutes ago.
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I visited my old apartments cuz the homie asked me to pull up.
He was actually at our acquaintanceās place, playing poker. The same guy I mentioned in a recent account about the Eat It Up dance dream.
I watched them play for a bit then they asked if I wanted to get dealt in. I said sure.
I proceeded to get straight after straight, flushes, full houses and so on, and it was a fun experiment to watch how each person responded.
The one got scarcely controllably aggressive, another was lowkey taunting him, the other was dealing for the most part.
The momentum shifted as soon as I felt my energy starting to get affected by the environment and aggressive behavior which mostly left me unbothered.
I could learn a lot by going back over the night.
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My tastes in women is changing.
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Texted me today after days of nothing to say she thinks itās best if we remain friends.
ā
ā
āThatās fine.ā
Was my response.
I lost interest days ago anyway.
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I think Iām starting to experience the recon I read about with Khan Black ST2.
A current of misery, feelings of ineptness. Not being good enough for anything. Feeling like life is unfair and really not worth the effort. An inner crumbling.
I decided Iām going to keep my custom down to one, maybe two loops a week.
The rest of the time will be the other two titles. Iām changing out WTP for Paragon COMPLETE for awhile.
So itāll be my PS custom with KBST2 and Paragon.
Going to run them now since Iām awake early again.
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My intuition is returning back to me with claaaaarity 
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Yaaay, recon.
Not really tangible where itās coming from. Gonna lay down and go into hibernation mode