Closing off 2023: Khan Black & Emperor

[JAnon]

Hey guys,

New here.

Just purchased and tried my first ZP products - Regeneration and Ascension, and decided to introduce myself and create a journal.

The old story is one of an autistic guy riddled with PTSD and insecurity, with a history of heartbreak and rejection, fighting desperately against a negative spiral.

The new story is of a good man rediscovering his worth and living life well.

I’m expecting quite a ride, breaking up and dissolving some of that old shit may come with its challenges, I figured it’s best to be prepared, be present here, and journal.

Will be listening to Regeneration followed by Ascension every other day, as per instructions. Going with the masked version for now because chilling in bed with headphones feels good to me.

First impression from listening just an hour ago - Regeneration felt nurturing, fortifying, a little challenging but all good. Noticed some random thoughts coming into my mind, “You don’t have to live with this any longer, you’re a good man, you deserve to feel good.” Ascension felt a bit more… confronting, powerful. In a good way. Got a ton of built-up tension in my nervous system and could feel myself breathing deep, sighing out stress, laughing a bit, growling a bit. Super cool.

Anyway, good to be here and see you guys around.

J

[JAnon]

OK ignore the ‘Regeneration’ part of this, I started this week with LBFH & Ascension and will use this thread as a journal.

Listening every other day, and this is my first cycle.

So firstly, just to note some of the cool things outwardly that have happened to me:

First just to explain that I’m working on a new business, but my funds are very tight at the moment.

• Housemate offered to drive me to a friend who runs a food charity - I stocked up on a ton of high quality food, for free. Next time I’ll make a donation.
• Friends invited me out to a movie night, we normally just hang at home. I explained my budget situation and they’re paying for me, even upgraded to VIP. Oh and one just offered me a lift although I never asked for one and am capable of walking to the cinema.
• Felt a tension as I’m likely on the spectrum and have a sensitivity to noise, my housemate was playing music. They approached me later and told me that they have moved their speakers to a better place and asked me if it was better, encouraged me to approach them if noise was ever an issue.
• Visited my family, who were very kind, and even gave me some fresh coffee and meat (without me having to ask, and without knowing my current finances)
• When I was visiting my parents, I went for a walk around the woods I grew up. I remembered a time I was 7 and some other kids from my nearby school bullied me into stealing a chocolate bar from our nearby store. I actually decided to walk in and announced “30 years ago I was peer pressured into stealing a chomp bar from your store… they were worth 10p then, so given inflation here’s 30p” - made the cashier laugh and I felt it was a pretty funny/awesome moment.

On the other hand, some of my negative stories are coming up, got some situational ones around relationships and women I won’t dive into right now but probably will later when I have more time. I feel like I need to journal to untangle some of these knots.

Actually feeling irritation while listening to the subs, it’s like they are digging close to some pain points, I’m relaxing to let them in, but there is this wall of fear and resistance and anger. I observe, remember to be kind to myself, and on one occasion I cried a little. That inner child has been super walled off and terrified.

Had some weird dreams featuring ex lovers.

Had some fleeting sense of feeling calmer, more originally ‘me’.

Will keep posting as time goes on.

[JAnon]

Quick post to keep momentum.

Had a hospital appointment today to help see if any autism is present. 2-3 hours with a psychiatrist. Had some chats about growing up as a child and it’s hitting home some more about my environment and how that’s affected me. Feel like the subs are bringing stuff up to face and heal.

Swung by my old workplace after the appointment to greet the owners and ask around any part-time work going. Had a good chat with them about the business I’m starting, how their business is going, explained I’m looking for some part-time work for the short-term, they’ll get back to me. Felt more ‘equal’ rather than ‘employee’, shook hands confidently, etc.

Honestly last week was the most social week I’ve had in a year. I’m feeling exhausted now and going to get a full night’s sleep, then get up tomorrow and put in a full day’s work on my business.

Getting clear on my daily and weekly routines and structures. Building blocks.

[JAnon]

My paycheck arrived so I picked up GLM to add to the stack and WB for the future.

Listened to GLM and Ascension last night.
Feeling more centered.

Noticing a little more of a push, and less resistance to, boundaries.

E.g. usually if I’m tying my shoelaces at the bottom of the stairs and my housemate comes running down, I shuffle to the side for them to pass. This morning I just said “One moment”, finished what I was doing at my own pace, and stood up. It’s the small things sometimes lol.

I need to journal about some issues and psychology going on. But for now I need to get working on my business.

[JAnon]

Yeah, LBFH/Asc/GLM is definitely bringing stuff up.

Anger at the father.
Abandonment wound from mother and father.
Invasion wound also from father.

Early wiring into fight/flight/freeze.
Never comfortable in the body.

Because I never confronted my parents around all the abuse.
Well, on one or two occassions in my life I have, but it has been a sentence or two only.

I feel unsafe because I do not have a firm boundary in place with them.
That ‘inner child’ needs me to have a healthy boundary, in order to feel safe enough to heal and let go.

Fear at the thought of confronting my parents.
Memories of therapists advising that expressing blame will not get me what I want from them.

So it’s an inside job.
Like I need to mentally visualise them and say NO, firmly. I need to FEEL individuated, seperated, not obliged to please them.

It feels like GLM/Asc is pushing this strong boundaried energy
LBFH is trying to bring traumatised young child who was mentally crushed, out of hiding and into the light.
But how to feel safe enough to welcome in that light when I -feel- I could be attacked and my integrity compromised by the next text from my parents.

I didn’t want any of this.
I didn’t want my father to symbolise a threat, or an enemy that I need to destroy or fight off just in order to feel safe.

I don’t know the solution to this yet.
But I trust that awareness is the first step.
And to journal, but no overthink yet.

No hasty external actions.

[JAnon]

Memories.

A four year old boy crying at the dinner table, shouted at by the father for crying, fleeing to another room.

A ten year old who tried to cut bread for a sandwich when his parents were out, messed up cutting the loaf properly, and was screamed at by his father to never make his own lunch again.

A young teenager, having a moment of existential fear, saying to his father he doesn’t feel right, only to have the father look at him with disdain in his eyes and say “oh god, not you as well.”

Getting up at 8 to start studying at 9 for study-leave before an exam at age 15, getting screamed at “You will get up at 7, and study from 8”

A young teenager, laughing when talking online with friends, screamed at to shut up.

Called a quitter for wanting to switch from Taekwondo to MMA because schools at kid were bullying him and he wanted something practical. Called a fucking quitter… well, that became a fulfilled prophecy as the boy did indeed quit everything then.

Screamed at for wanting to travel to South America at age 18 (still living at home, cna understand the concerns but hte method of intimidation is out of order).

When trying to first move out, told to “look for at least six months, and then make sure get a solicitor to read through the tenancy agreement” just trying to hold me back, fuck that, moved out with a mate.

Screamed at for crying, insulted for feeling afraid, berated for laughing, spoken down to for ‘not expressing anger’.

Sure he did a lot of good too, I do not mean to be whiny, but this is what has surfaced.

And now he is elderly, softer, timid, and kind to me. If I came at him with all this he would crumble into a pile of guilt. So I hold this in my mind and body without expression to the one who caused it. it is mine to heal.

Maybe I just need to acknowledge he was a fucking asshole, but time can soften.

I just want my dignity and integrity back.

Well, good to have written this out, going to get out of my head now and let things be/move as they will - I trust the subs are working as they are designed to, and for now just to observe.

[JAnon]

Thanks, Voytek - that one stuck with me.

I want to align my cycles to each month, so I’m on washout this week and I’ll start properly on Monday October 2nd.

Did an overexposure on Sunday (kind of an impulsive decision) that confirmed for me that these subs definitely do something. The thoughts and feelings during and after were unmistakable. As was the recon/overexposure that hit the following day.

I won’t repeat that of course.

Hm so I’ve read that binaural beats like Holosync etc. are not recommended alongside SC products.
So I’m currently seeing if I can overcome my FOMO about stopping brainwave entrainment.

@RVconsultant I don’t know if you can weigh in on Holosync alongside subliminals? I’ve been listening Dive & Immersion first thing in the morning, and subs last thing at night on listening days.

Feels like I’m potentially losing a lot of future benefit by stopping Holosync so just seeking some encouragement on that front, or advice if they can be used together safely.

[JAnon]

It might be that subs and binaurals is just too much ‘push’ on the nervous system, too many variables.

Maybe better to stick with my normal mantra meditation and gentle bioenergetics during the morning, and subs at night.

Like take the ‘push’ down a notch.

[JAnon]

I’m balding.
Had a sudden urge to shave my head, and did so.
I look 10x more masculine and dominant now.
Gym is paying off, body getting more masculine too.
I keep wanting to start MMA/Muay Thai - there is a gym a short walk from my house. Just no money yet. I think that if I’m taking up more space in the world, I need to know that I can physically defend myself. It’s just another step in correcting the ‘less than/intimidated by’ other men shit. Although mostly that is psychological, knowing I am physically strong and a capable fighter can only be a step up.

Had a follow-up appointment today following an autism assessment I had last week.
Turns out “probably not autistic, very low end of spectrum if I am, and the traits that could be labelled at autism could also be due to childhood attachment trauma” - had a chat and definitely there is attachment trauma to work through. I’ll look at therapy for that when I have the money.

Speaking of which, my first business is now 4 months old, simply creating a blog with a good mentor. I’ll aim to monetize this blog in time with display advertising, affiliates, striking deals with firms etc but for now the focus is on pumping out content.

Struggled with ‘motivation’, or even forcing discipline lately. I get writer’s block. I can generate a ton of useful content with AI, but the human editing, I keep coming up against writers block, brain fog, etc.

Got to take action and push through.

Making money is important right now. I’m basically living off the state following a mental breakdown and job loss in the past couple years. I don’t think I could see myself ever working for anyone else again, anyway. This is my opportunity to strike out and really make bank. I’m in contact with others in this niche making over $15k/month.

I think next year I’ll consider swapping out Ascension for Ascended Mogul to help me build my finances while keeping that focus on core masculine healing and growth.

Money is really important right now.
I need money for therapy, for good quality food (grass-fed, grass-finished meat is NOT cheap), to get a place of my own, to get the lifestyle I want. I need money for sexual surrogate partner therapy because I struggle with ED, PE, performance anxiety, trauma, the whole fucking works, I have my whole life and it sucks, and I’ve been burned too many times by partners in the past. I want to take control and if that means throwing $10k down on deep transpersonal/sexual healing in order to attain true sexual confidence, so be it.

Right now my priority is to do what I can in terms of healing on the limited budget I am.
Building a business and making money.

Then taking some time to do the deep healing - I’ll probably do some deep plant medicine work, do the sexual/tantric healing course, really focus on growth and self-realisation.

The step after that is probably taking the online business skills I’m learning now, marrying that with my life experience, and creating a personal brand that serves others while earning good money.

[RVconsultant]

@JAnon

Holosync alongside subliminals

The general recommendation is don’t mix SC products with BWE such as Holosync.

However when I’ve had horrible reconciliation, sometimes BWE gives me some relief.

[JAnon]

Had a dream, a woman was aroused around me and “welcomed my approach”. Previously, they reject in my dreams.

Washing out for the rest of the week, and stopping Holosync. Creating my daily/weekly structure to start from next week, note to self to post this once it’s formulated. Gotta get some work done on my website now for a couple hours though.

Month 1 of nofap/semen retention complete. Will continue for the rest of this year.

[JAnon]

OK, routine for October

Daily:
Morning - 15 minutes bioenergetics, 15 minutes meditation, 15 minutes affirmations
10am (or 12pm on gym days) - Working on my blog
4pm - 15 minutes meditation, 15 minutes affirmations
5pm - Daily meal/feeding period
7pm - Game development/Art (Creative hobby with potential for revenue)
9pm - Subs on listening days, other manifestation work on non-listening days (visualisation, eft)

Weekly:
Monday/Thursday - Gym in am.

Mon - LBFH, Asc
Wed - Asc, GLM
Fri - GLM, LBFH
Tue/Thu/Sat/Sun rest from subs.
(If too much then scale back, but I like the idea of 2 loops of each sub per week, running this 3 weeks on, 1 week off)

Gym - add 5kg to squats/deadlifts, add 2.5kg to chins/dips.
Overall aim - take action towards building my health and wealth, while allowing some time for healing and recreation.

Work - been hitting writer’s block and procrastination, this is mainly around editing articles. I’m going to take the pressure off in terms of quantity, instead focus on quality - take a deep breath and just make sure one article is done properly at a time. Use a microphone and speech-to-text. If I can get 10 posts done in October, that’s fine, just make them count.

Overall - Consistency and discipline towards my goals, balanced with gentleness and self-care.

[JAnon]

Woke up at 3am with urges to break my retention, so I got out of bed and had a banging workout at a nearby 24/7 gym, then took a walk around my local park and did some bioenergetics and meditation.

Got home around 6am and passed out. Now it’s 9 and I feel like shit lol.

Hard to describe, but feeling more in tune with consciousness, something beyond time and space.
Some sense of Oneness, ‘we are one’ being a core truth of reality, not just some saying.
From this perspective, I’m already whole.

I can witness the tangle of neurotic thought and emotional constipation in the body, and know that I am growing the framework needed to untangle it piece by piece.

And the sense that this consciousness, for me, is essential to self-transformation, and meaningful change in my personal life.

Hmm…
Over the weekend I saw some real hotties. Like, from a distance, I was in a car. Heh.
But damn…

I can tell there are gonna be some traumas, anxieties, shame-complexes, and a bunch of matrix programming to purge out, in order to make space for my confident divine masculine to come down to express itself effectively. Plus building practical tools and taking action, some stumbling and rejections etc.

But I have many good tools in my toolbox. I’m meant to evolve and life has basically handed me the keys to the castle of my potential now. And my heart has never given up on me, even if it’s courage is a torrent some days and a trickle on others, it’s still there in me.

First listening day of first cycle is today, it’s already been a beyond-interesting morning and I’ll listen to LBFH & Ascension tonight.

[JAnon]

Cycle 1, Day 2 (Rest Day)

Listened to 15 minutes LBFH, 15 minutes Ascension last night before drifting off to sleep.

Had two interesting dreams;

In my first dream, there was an attractive woman standing by a doorway. I walked through the doorway and as doing so told her that I think she is very pretty. She said something very suggestive to me and winked at me.

In the second dream, various friends (some from my childhood, some current-day) as well as an ex-employer of mine, all hated me. There were arguments and tension. I felt unwanted, rejected and frustrated. I argued back at them, though.

So - standing up for myself in my dreams

Today I experienced a tight heaviness in my stomach. As I breathed into it I could sense all this constipated, repressed emotion - anger, despair, grief. And after resisting for a few minutes (I was trying to work), I decided to take myself away from work and to be with these feelings. As I sat with them, I began to cry. Words came to mind that I repeated to this hurting child inside - “I love you, I believe in you, I respect you, I forgive you, you matter to me, I am here for you, I’ve got your back, I’m on your side”

I’ve often had a difficult relationship with my feelings. I either sink into them and get overwhelmed and stuck in inertia, or try and push through them and ignore them to get things done in the world. So a new paradigm, of working as a team with them, is coming to mind.

Initial impressions is that is feels like new software is being installed.

I’m experiencing memories of a breakup and heavy emotional pain, resistance, and clinging. I still want this woman.

I’m remembering times I sabotaged my previous romantic relationships through jealousy and insecurity, and expressing it onto my partners, inevitably to get ditched in turn.

There is a struggle in accepting these events, in forgiving myself, in forgiving them.

And behind the anxiety that leads to these relationship breakdowns, I feel again the age-old abandonment wound.

This is a journey of becoming the parents I always needed, giving that inner child all the love possible, and working with all aspects of myself to grow and move forward.

[JAnon]

OK, sexual shame is something holding me back.

I’ve been undersexed.
I had phimosis as a child and could physically feel nothing with my first girlfriends.
Had circumcision at age 18, by which time I’d already resorted to porn as my sexual go-to. At least I could feel my own hand.

Erection problems, PE, performance anxiety.
Childhood trauma making intimacy terrifying.
Being sexually close to someone scares the shit out of me, and I also want it badly.
Fear of rejection.
After a really bad breakup a few years ago when the girl fucked another guy after I got needy, I went into a severe depression, suicidal, quit my job, was unemployed for years. During this time I got a high-quality sex doll. It was for a sense of comfort and some sexual play/healing. Also visited an escort on two occasions.

So much self-judgement, and fear of judgement from others. And maybe some of it is warranted. I was going through a hard time.

The last girl accepted this all about me completely, part of the reason that breakup is so hard.

Took me months to even admit it here in an anonymous online journal.
Although part of me is a warm, strong, attractive adult.
I feel like a fucking scared kid in intimacy.

And ignoring this part of my life isn’t making it go away.
I’m a bit over four weeks into NoFap/semen retention now.
Aware of how I’d ignore the challenges I face sexually by just using porn, but that only makes it worse.

Need to find a way to accept my past. If I can forgive myself the doll, the hookers, the porn, the ED/PE, then maybe I can get to a point where I don’t feel the anxious secret or need to confess to a potential womant hat only compounds with increased shame etc.

Better if I can forgive myself, and be at peace.

Sexually though, I’ve been majorly denying myself experiences, and there’s clearly some shit here that needs healing.

I’ll keep with Asc/LBFH/GLM for the rest of the year.

I also have a new business.
Maybe next year I will swap Asc for Ascended Mogul, and GLM for something geared around sexual healing and meeting women.

For now, just naming the problems and mentioning them here is a step forth from lying to myself and ignoring the problems.

[JAnon]

The man I want to be:

Loves and respects himself, and feels whole within himself. He does not -need- to get anything from others to fill an anxious void. No, he is calm, he is connected, he is satisfied in his being.

Is connected spiritually - a single candle can light the darkness. Does not need to perform mental gymnastics to succeed. Sees life, and his role in it, clearly.

Is financially free - he has built his own businesses/income streams, and has a good income that is not dependant upon the state or an employer.

Is emotionally healed, for the most part - there is always more to heal in life, but he has made the major changes and healed the major blockages - so he feels peaceful, powerful, and loving.

Is sexually free - has transformed the shame and anxiety around sex and intimacy. Has connected with his masculine sexual core. Has control of his sexual response, and feels himself authentically to be sexually whole and masterful, doesn’t contract into infantile fear and trauma. And can actually form sexual and romantic relationships.

[RVconsultant]

What changes have you noticed since listening to Regeneration and Ascension?

[JAnon]

So Regeneration/Ascension was only used a couple of times, several months ago, I never formed a consistent habit of listening or journal.

I was in a very dark place and the recon was intense, regeneration was bringing up a lot of guilt.

So really considering this the beginning of my subliminal journey, with a regular listening schedule, journalling, and action taking.

If you wouldn’t mind, can you change the journal title to ‘Ascension, GLM and LBFH’?
As that’s what I’m running for the rest of the year and journalling on. Thank you.

I’ll be sure to detail changes as I notice them.

[JAnon]

Just minor assertiveness/boundary things today.
These are tiny issues but the amount of charge and push in me to correct is large.

Asked for a housemate to please move some of his stuff from my fridge shelf.
Made room for my shoes on the house shoe rack by squishing everyone else’s up.

Had some thoughts about wanting to go out alone and meet women. Very unlike me.

Stuck to my practices with good discipline.
Managed to get some work on my business done, but admit to some distraction (Youtube and browsing this forum)

Big emotional knot in the belly right now.

Tonight I’ll listen to Asc/GLM before bed.

[Lion]

Very good journal. Kudos on taking action and your results. Please continue