as for the thing that happened, i was bored so messaged in a group some funny stuff which was clearly self destructive, not to me but like can be perceived offensive to others and like attacking them, then again i replied to someone in an attacking way, and i stopped for a second but it was almost as if some dark energy overtook me and made me do it claiming that it will be funny but was clearly sabotage, and it did cause a lot of problems for me, this also spoilt my mood and ruined my workout. later i was chilling with friends and i noticed that i attack and trigger others a lot, partly coz of self sabotage and partly coz of the fact that i use it as a clutch when i have nothing to say as in my mind i think its what cool people do and this really harms me a lot, these past few days at the event i was being nice, encouraging and positive and people were really drawn to me and even at the event a lot of self sabotage did kick in but i managed to control it somehow. i still have a looooong way to go to tackle my inner world and stop getting in my own way but i am losing motivation as i want to achieve other things also and feel like im getting nowhere with this, i also broke my 20 day no fap streak even though i knew i would feel shitty later but the dark force took over again, coz i was bored, and i did end up feeling bad afterwards. i guess it all spirals once i give in to one i end up going worse and worse but i cant control often times. i am also thinking a lot about switching coz i feel like the other subs will help me and im losing the willpower to just plow through