That’s a heartbreaking realization. I kind of feel the same way. How do you handle this realization that you never wanted to be where you are? I feel very sad about the situation I’m in. I’ve tried to deal with it by being as positive as I can be, but I’m afraid that I can’t put a patch on it by hoping for the best anymore. I feel like It’s breaking me.
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Still working on that. I think the first thing I did was really understand that its my responsibility that I am where I am. It didn’t happen to me like I’m some kind of hapless victim. I let it happen instead of taking control and steering my life the way I wanted it to go. I see now that I could have done that at any time. More importantly, I still can.
Second, think in terms of responsibility not blame. I stopped beating myself up for it. I’m working to fully integrate all of the lessons and move forward.
Third, I found what aspects of my life I do have direct immediate control over and I’m taking action to manage them.
From there, I’ll let ya know when I figure it out.
That realization is more empowering than heartbreaking in my eyes.
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I felt like something is different today. As if I should start preparing for a new chapter in my book.
Then I recalled that the last time I felt this way was 3 months ago, in early May. My partner was going to drive almost two hours to get a piece of artwork appraised. I wanted the change of scenery and I told him that I felt a change in the air and that I was going to use the time that he drove to get my thoughts organized, so that I could decide what I needed to do differently to make the next few months really productive.
He argued with me for over 45 minutes. Then I told him that he needed to stop, 45 minutes later he was still arguing with me. I know it takes two, I realized that I wanted the relationship to end, and I told him so. He knew that this was for real, so he ended up agreeing to counseling and continued to push my buttons. I couldn’t take it anymore, it’s not like I could get out of the car, so I told him jokingly sarcastically that I was going to have to find a way to kill him. I even smiled at him, to let him know that he had pushed me too far and that I wasn’t planning on doing him any harm, but that II was really upset.
He threatened to get me arrested for HOURS after that. He said that I threatened his life and that I was going to be arrested when he filed the report. I got so sick of hearing it that I eventually told him to go ahead and do it. I don’t think that he filed a report, and if he did they probably laughed at him behind his back because nothing came of it.
That was the day when I realized that it was over between us. I told him to get us a good therapist, months have gone by and he never bothered. I think that he kept me from making the best plans for those few months.
In the meantime there was some criminal who had been harassing me. I finally confronted him. The guy cursed at me and got in my face. I called my partner and he laughed. I probably seem like a total loser for staying after all that, but leaving is not simple.
I felt so depressed these last few months. I could have been productive, but it all went down the tubes because I told my partner about that change I felt coming. .
There must be something for me to learn here. I’m not sure what it is yet. I’m not sure if the change was finally deciding that the relationship is over or if something better was going to happen and my partner sabotaged it.
I will not be telling him about this change that I am sensing right now.
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No, you don’t seem like a loser. A major life change like that isn’t something you can do immediately. Not if you don’t want to have a real hard time for a while after.
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I’ve been using Paragon V2 lately and I keep feeling all this heat at night and during the day.
I went shopping this morning and who did I bump into it? The xcrush,… He was pushing a baby carriage and walking with a girl who is clearly not his wife. This is a different girl than the one I’ve seen him with several times already. I don’t even know what to think anymore. I see him as a complete stranger now with zero attraction. What a train wreck.
I looked into my partner’s eyes for about ten seconds yesterday . We hardly have any eye contact at all, so I always have this craving for eye contact. It had been years since we had that kind of eye contact and I couldn’t believe how gorgeous his eye color is. Now today, I find myself admiring things like his skin tone, his legs, face. It was probably a bad idea for me to make eye contact with him. I’m not liking this. He’s not listening to any subs other than the ones I listen to, so maybe Seductress is causing me to think loving, sexy thoughts about him. lol It’s a good thing that he’s not acting feminine.
I felt so bored and empty again today. My sex life and relationship were worse when I was on subs like RICH, HoM, and RM, yet I didn’t mind. I never felt empty or bored.
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I realized this morning that I see the really hot guys are just guys now. They are nothing to get nervous or even excited about, much less crush about. They are not better than me, so they should be easy to talk to.
I also saw the xcrush for a few seconds today, he was outside this time. It was unusual because I didn’t know that he was there and he couldn’t have known that I was driving by. He came around the vehicle that was blocking him and I from seeing each other as if he was looking for someone, it was as if he knew by instinct that I or that some woman was there. LOL who knows what goes on in that one’s head. He wasn’t surprised to see me. He stood there smiling at me, seemed happy to see me, so that’s good.
I’m not angry at him anymore. It’s as if all that pain I felt about ten days ago when I realized how he had manipulated me into not going to that place anymore, it was if this had happened to someone else. Maybe I’m too quick to forgive people, I don’t want to set myself up for failure, but I just see him as human now. Humans are complex creatures.
I’m getting my inspiration back.
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I joined a gym in a different town. After going to the new place, I saw how silly my other gym was. That place was set up to bring out sexual tension and the people there played right into it, appearing to love every minute of it. They even played love songs! lol I saw the same people there for years, looking the same, year after year!
I got the Emperor Fitness bundle. The people in this new gym are really fit. They take their workouts seriously and are respectful of the other members.
I still kept my membership to the other gym for convenience sake, but I will avoid it for now. I’m making progress and want to keep it that way.
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Keep strong will hear about your gains as long as you stay focus
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That’s great you’ve found a place more conducive to your workouts. I agree with you that the gym environment is so important. If your old one is causing you unnecessary stress or frustration and this new one seems like a better fit, it’ll be worth the extra drive I’m sure.
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My partner and I got into an argument last night because of his lack of seducing skills. The problem is that he is a really cold person. I want Heartsong to bring me someone who is warm and loving, I need to be able to experience what it’s like to be in a relationship with a human, I’ve had enough of reptile love . His seducing skills consist of “are you interested”. I’ve had enough of that stupidity. I deserve someone who can put a little more effort than that.
My partner has sabotaged every single relationship I’ve had. I feel so empty and alone. There was a time when I really trusted my partner. I was blind. I need to start over, so I guess that I will be including Inner Circle. It’s hard for me to make even female friends since the interest always seems to be of a sexual nature.
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I got a haircut recently that I am very disappointed about. I had really long hair that I donated, but my stylist cut my hair way shorter than I expected. It seemed like everybody loved my hair before, but now, some people won’t even look at me. Not that I need everyone’s approval, but damn, I better work hard to at least develop a smokin hot body during this time. It’s interesting to me that the really hot guys still like me, and only those types seem to still find me attractive with this new haircut.
Something else that I find really interesting is that I saw a girl about two months ago who was really feminine and sexy and loved herself. She was taking all these selfies in the bathroom at the gym with her short hair and outfit in a color that I would have never dared to wear in the old gym. My hair was long back then, but I really loved her hair. What’s weird is that my stylist gave me what seems to be the same haircut as that girl. I just have to take the time to style my hair and see what happens. After I left the new gym, I bought an outfit in the same color. Not because I was copying her, I just felt inspired by the environment, knowing that this outfit would look really good on me over there.
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I took two days off from the subs. I felt a lot more self conscious on the second day as far as my body and I felt uncomfortable getting attention, but I also got a lot more attraction from guys. One was borderline harassing me. Then there was a hot guy who did something so great to let me know that he liked me that it was a beautiful scene that I will never forget. Damn, too bad I couldn’t talk to him. This makes me wonder about the type of guy who will get manifested through Heartsong.
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I included Rich and Stark Qv2 to my playlist last night. I woke up toward the end of Rich, and I was having a dream where I was being very assertive with the excrush, who was being nosy. I included Rich and Stark to prepare for an upcoming event where I will be around elite people. I actually styled my hair and applied a little bit of makeup today. I feel so sexy and outgoing, and people are responding better to me. I even picture myself with a totally sexy look, I can see myself turning into this really sexy beautiful woman. I can see it happen in a year, but it could be earlier with the help of these subs. I will slim down and will let my hair grow long again. Will wear skinny leather pants. When I used Stark last fall, it manifested leather clothing for me. There is something about me and this sub that makes me want to wear leather. I will be keeping Stark in my playlist. Nothing makes me feel this sexy and confident socially, not even DD.
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I haven’t had the time to make it to my new gym lately that takes an hour away from me. I still think that I’m better off avoiding my local gym, so I’ve had to miss out on working out for about a week now. My new gym outfit came in the mail yesterday. I absolutely love it! My partner loves it on me also, I haven’t seen him get this attracted to me just based on something that I’m wearing in a very long time. I don’t recall him having ever been this good in bed before. Maybe if he had put in this kind of effort before, I wouldn’t be looking elsewhere. I’m extremely guarded in that area, so whoever Heartsong brings is going to either have to work very hard and be patient or the part where we just click will be really magical. Maybe Stark will hep me to open up. I must have also contributed to the problem with my partner, but I’m not the one that fell in love with others or lusted after a homeless looking lady. LOL wtf. I feel like my journal entrees are so shallow lately, but I am making progress.
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I have 3 customs. An ultima for physcial shifting, a Qv2 that has Heartsong and Dare Devil plus 18 other modules. The third one is labeled as Q standard, this one has Seductress plus 19 other modules.
I just began to include Emperor Fitness.
Then I include either Libertine or Love Bomb. I’ve been using Love Bomb these last few days.
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I’ve been running Love Bomb daily for about 5 days now. I’ve started seeing the look of love in people’s eyes. Their whole face lights up with positivity, and I can feel the love in my own eyes. I think I will continue to listen to Love Bomb for the next few weeks.
I heard See the world by Brett Dennen yesterday. I love that song. I heard it at the perfect time and the perfect place.
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I’ve been vocal about not putting up with any of partner’s crap since yesterday. It got to the point that he told me this morning that I had been yelling at him all day. I wasn’t even raising my voice, I was just dealing with his nonsense on the spot. Normally I wait until “the right time”, the right time when I’m on StarkQv2 is “right now”. I saw someone he knows driving around in a different car today. When I told him about it, he insisted that the guy does not have that kind of a car. As if he knows every single car that the guy owns. I was so annoyed for hours until I had to call him to let him know how rude he was to me.
StarkQ is also giving me a very sexy walk.
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I listened to two loops of StarkQv2 and one of liberty. I find that I execute Liberty better when I listen to it on my headphones. I didn’t do that last night, but will tonight. I’ll go back to Love Bomb during the week.
I am loving StarkQ! I feel so confident socially and attractive. I’m getting a lot of friendliness, star struck kind of stares and smiles from women. I’m not getting these type of reactions from guys, but I also haven’t been around any attractive ones anyway. I look forward to going to the gym again to see what happens. Sad to say, but it seems like the only good looking guys in my area are at the gym.
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I took two small vacations recently. I feel like something has changed. I’ve changed, but I am not sure how. I feel like it is another new chapter in my life.
It’s interesting to me that on both vacations, the people who went out of their way to connect with me and who made the most impact were people who do the same work as the xcrush. I wasn’t even paying attention to them, so it’s not like I was trying to connect with them.
I went to the event where I was surrounded by nothing but elite people. I felt like I belonged there. My partner says that guys were looking at me with these looks of “wow”.
The old familiar feeling of emptiness is back again now that I’m home.
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