At its core, life is really about me first. There is nothing “wrong” with that.
Lots of spiritual guilt has been coming up, along with the realization of how much others have siphoned off my energy without really adding to my life. It was far too imbalanced.
I’m realizing that my perspective matters, not just being fair and understanding toward others.
My personal fulfillment isn’t a “maybe”, it’s a fundamental, non-negotiable pillar of my journey.
I don’t have to constantly overthink whether my choices are considerate of others. If something doesn’t feel right for me, if I don’t feel valued, respected, or enriched by it, then I have to remove myself from it without dragging things out because of some sense of duty.
Unless I´m being paid, I don´t owe anyone anything.
I can see how much this has affected my life on every level.
I’m thinking more actively about how to create a reality that is fully tailored to my true needs. It doesn’t have to align with anyone else’s view of a successful life, masculinity, spirituality, or anything else.
I’m reconnecting with what my actual needs are in the first place. That alone is huge. I’ve been too enmeshed in other people’s realities, feeding them my attention while my own life was on hold.
I spent some time out of town at a friend’s house and realized how exhausted I really was from unconsciously assuming responsibility for the happiness and satisfaction of the people around me.
I finally managed to relax a bit and gain some perspective on the dynamics in my relationships.
My friend took care of everything—driving me wherever I wanted to go, getting food and drinks, paying for things, and so on.
It felt very healing to pull the stick out of my ass for once and just exist, with no need to assume a certain role for anyone else. (Khan + To Dream of Me + Main Character Energy + Divine Self-Image).
Comparing this to how much of a burden most of my relationships felt like, I know that I´m not gonna go back to trying to live for other people. Aknowledging that I indeed finally want to live my own life, without feeling guilty for it.
It gives me a lot of recon because this is such a deeply rooted topic for me. It´s pretty much a complete 180 on myself, my identity, and my life. Gonna keep it for a long time.