I’m having deep profound emotional shifts on LB. Really understanding how I cut myself off to abundance instinctively and automatically without even realizing I’m doing it. And how it’s not enough in life to just persevere through that and go for what I want. It effectively turns into me chasing after something while simultaneously pushing it away like two similar ends of a magnet repelling each other.
It’s like intellectually you can understand how important self love is to allowing good things into your life. But that’s not the same as really understanding on a fundamental level, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are deserving of it. And I’m still not there yet, but LB is dragging all that undeserving feeling and shame to the surface.
It’s interesting because I have two other brothers. Neither one is enjoying life and I’m also in the same boat but I’m changing it as much as possible. We all grew up in a dysfunctional home environment. We’ve all stayed in jobs long past the point where it wasn’t good for us, constantly worry about money, and really just stuck in the grind of survival over living giving time and energy to other people while neglecting our needs.
I hope this is the one that can change all this for me. I don’t want to continue living my life trying to convince myself I’m deserving of good things, I want to feel that way on a deep level and allow it all into my life. I want it to be real vs some fantasy or one day thing.