Almost a month into this sub now, and lately I’ve got to say I feel empty in a way. Not empty in an apathetic way because there’s a calm underneath, a bit of that stoic hardness to it. In a way feeling way less attached and also more clear on what it is that is being let go of, but I’m also in a loop right now of confusion in character.
But at the same time this confusion and feeling a bit more fluid personality wise, is affecting my usually easy daily decisions and steps towards what I deem my goals. But again more ease and calmness and not stressing that it’s not being done at the same speed or hardly at all last couple of days.
I would describe this as a collapsing of time frame in regards to the memories of the old me. Meaning that instead of thinking that I need to change the old character with all of its quirks and behaviours, I feel that I should just be able to assume and live in the new without any thoughts of what has been.
Maybe that’s the emptiness? That habitual old way of always comparing everything new to the memories of who I was yesterday or the week before… hence the feeling of collapsing time as it feels more cyclical than linear in a way. And desiring a new character is then more about stepping into a whole new cycle rather than trying work with the old cycle.
Also the calm stoic nature shows up in personal relationships with people, where triggering conversations has me just calmly observing instead of trying to hold on or contain that intense feeling of stress from the trigger. This makes the other person calmer although I don’t say much… as I don’t avoid the pain like I usually do at first, but rather stand still in the middle of it and denying it the power to consume me.
Silence and just introvertism has been my way all life to handle acute stress like this. So usually before when I kept silent it triggered the other person even more. But now it’s like they feel my calm in the storm of the stressful trigger, and I choose my words better and in a slow but methodical way to ease the tension.
Imagine a stormy sea… before I would be in the water in a life west trying to swim… now… I’m on a boat which is also being tossed back and fourth in the storm, but I’m not wet and I can steer the boat to calmer waters…
So if I poke the pain response like before, the pain lashes out through the other person and therefore justifying it’s existence. That’s kind of how I see it now, and therefore it’s never personal in any way and I feel more in control in the moment.
And the last observation. I have a deeper voice which I have had on Khan, Primal and other programs. But it feels more permanent now, which is probably due to unplugging from validation and creating more relaxation from the stomach and up. People trust you more also, not just because you have a deeper voice but because you are more relaxed.