12 months HO.
Innit?
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I am trying to get a cycle in. Hahahaha.
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Spend a week āsocializingā with people, drinking, eating like trash (which I had been pretty disciplined about before), and noticed how I used that to avoid facing deep realizations about my shadow self.
The feature that stands out to me the most from this title is truth, and it is why I love it so much, but also why I experienced such heavy recon on it.
I have been silenced for speaking truth as a child, more than once. Fighting back was either not possible due to being dependent on those responsible, or it would get dealt with forcefully right away.
Since then, I developed an entire personality architecture around anticipating and assuming whatever role I believed the environment I am in / the person in front of me would desire me to be at that very moment.
This would become especially tricky in group settings, as my psyche would try to assume everyoneās perspective at the same time, which usually left me as a completely dissociated and anxious mess.
It was so deeply ingrained that no level of conscious effort and honest intent was able to bypass it. Even if I did, I would just keep snapping back into it right away.
It is also not something anybody really explains to you. My parents have been gaslighting me quite a bit growing up, so I had no honest point of reference either, and assumed people in general are just fundamentally incapable of honesty. This would count triple if someone would make me any form of compliment.
Now, when I hopped on Hero earlier this year, this gigantic structure suddenly shattered, but due to the massive importance and space it occupied until then, and me barely even being able to exist as myself for most of my life, I kept clinging to identities, coping mechanisms, and environments that I had already outgrown. There have likely been other factors and people that tried to influence me during that time, but that is not what this post shall be about.
Earlier this year, just as now, I feel this sense of āHero will save my lifeā, and I know why.
And also why it pairs so great with WB for me.
I am finally starting to give myself permission to come back into my own body, that it is safe here.
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Weldone @Antares i love hearing reports like this 
. I really believe every person should give HO a chance.
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I can totally resonate with this brother
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Something I realized in addition to that, that it is not just as simple as me being afraid of being myself.
Because the repeated pattern I have noticed over the years is, people wanted me to wear that mask.
They want me to play the role in that moment, they enjoy that role in that moment, they fall in love with that role, they stake their entire life on that role, they cling to it and squeeze it dry, squeeze me dry, hook into my energy, until there is nothing left to takeā¦
ā¦and then when I am finally are unable to uphold it for them any longer (which I used to think of as an act of service, by that would try to continue as long as possible for someone that actually matters to me), when I am completely burned out for carrying and compensating for the pain and burdens of someone elses entire past, when I try to get someone out of my space and breathe for onceā¦
Then that person suddenly loses what they took from me, the space they made themselves comfortable in, associates me with their abuser(s) and starts to fucking hate me instead of looking at themselves for once, they go fucking crazy.
Same pattern, in pretty much every single relationship throughout my life.
They question my intentions, they try to destroy me, they do not bother to ask me once who I actually am because it never mattered to them in the first place. They do everything they can to avoid facing the truth about themselves, that maybe, perhaps, on some level, they never really wanted to see the real me, but willingly played along for the time they could extract energy from me, but only tolerated my existence for as long as I would put in constant emotional labour.
And everytime I was feeling guilty, feeling false, feeling like everything is simply my own fault, that I am a narcissist, that I am a borderliner, psychopath, whatever the fuck.
People would project so much of their bullshit onto me, it is absolutely insane.
To the point of me getting physically assaulted in my own home, fleeing from someone, while that nut screamed out of the top of his lungs for help.
And you know who felt guilty for that afterwards?
I did.
That I wasnĀ“t doing enough in that moment.
That I made mistakes that led to him treating me this way, that he is just struggling with his diagnosed anxiety disorder, that I was not able toā¦
You get the picture.
And whatever anyone throughout my life claimed about me, I have carried for every.single.one of them.
I parented my parents, parented my siblings, parented my friends, parented the women I loved, parented fucking strangers online, parented the random girl in the subway that speaks about how she gets bullied at school and tell her to beat the crap out of the other one because I know from the things that have been done to me that some people do not stop unless you are finally willing to hurt them too.
I used to be terrified of entering, let alone leaving relationships, because on an intuitive level, I felt this, how much people would grow comfortable with the mask, how possessive they grow of it, how possessive they would grow of me, acting like I owe them something, like they would own me compensating for their burdens.
And especially those that I held close to my heart, I told them what they wanted to hear in that moment, I tried to build them up, give them the self-esteem that I used to feel lacking within myself, made myself smaller so they could have their 5 minutes of feeling powerful and recognized for once, even when they would try to humiliate me publically, make me look like someone I am not in the eyes of others.
But I also grew resentful myself, often not even able to verbalize it, most of my life feeling like I do not have permission to exist, I surely do not have permission to say āNo, I do not want to carry your pain anymoreā. Knowing that other people are not even doing this consciously, and that I also do not understand the full picture, I used to turn to drugs and pmo, would bang my head against a wall, turn it inward/against myself to avoid putting it against others.
Iām addition to that, Iād developed a highly possessive shadow myself; āIf I am already surrendering my sovereignty, that entitles me to you doing the same for meā.
I did not like it, it is explicitly the opposite of what I want.
How to communicate something you can not fully differentiate yet yourself?
How to communicate with absolute openeness when you know for a fact that the other person would never grant you the same level of fairness and understanding?
How to communicate that you are unintentionally channel the entire human collective with all its light and dark sides through your being?
ā Who I believed I have to be in that moment as I felt, on an existential level not permitted to be my own individual, as that would violate existence/humanity/the collective.
I used to believe that I would actually help people with this, that they would go and grow from this, that I would manage to heal the damage in them that I am so painfully aware ofā¦ but looking back I only affirmed people in their own bullshit, if nothing I created monsters from this. Some of them simply do not care about how they treat me, as long as their construct works for them.
People do not (want to) see the things that I do, they do not bother about fairness that way, they can rest in a lie, I can not. I can not because my entire life I have been trying to detangle myself from the collective and taking on its needs, trying desperately to come back to myself for once.
I was terrified for being a burden to anyone, felt ashamed for accepting even the smallest amount of help from others, that I would have to do everything by myself, suffer alone, silently.
I was projecting my own ideal and my willingness to reach it, onto these people.
And I believe, deep down, at least some of them know that.
Some of them came back and apologized eventually. Itās just that, by that point, they had dished out so much and treated me so poorly that I could never trust them again, that I would never let such a person back into my heart.
It used to make me sad, because a part of me always sensed what is happening beyond the dynamics of the relationship, knowing that, for the most part, itās not even two individuals clashing with each other, but a myriad of factors playing together through and around them, creating the exact conditions that make this happen, helpless children beating each other with shovels.
Some people I met, both men and women, are extremely sensitive within, I used to recognize that and feel protective of it, not just because I saw myself in them, but also because I know that, on some level, we are all indeed the same being, playing life with itself.
And I know that, throughout my life, the majority of my thinking did not just go into āWho am I to be in that moment?ā but also, āHow can I be fair to everyone?ā Precisely because I adopted so many perspectives throughout my life, precisely because I knew there was truth to be found in everyoneās worldview, precisely because I can adopt anyoneās perspective, even if someone lies to me and about me.
But I also have to learn to be able to step away from that, recognize that someone elses experience is not something I have to accept as truth, recognize that I have a place as well in the world.
It is not my job to validate someone in theirs.
There is no virtue in that.
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Give yourself the care you gave others
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It all starts with how good you treat, care, love, nourish, talk, feel, provide for yourself.
Thats the foundation that never burns out, even if you are in complete burnout.
Psssssst donāt tell anybody that I have said that but look for: Alex Loyde-the Love Code (and maybe include Lovebomb)
you will have a fantastic foundation over time
So all the best to your Journey
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Thanks man, likewise.
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Another shadow Hero Origins made me more aware of is a sadistic-psychopathic one.
I consider it equally powerful, perhaps even stronger than the one of self-erasure and shrinking, it can be sneaky.
Integrating it feels equally difficult in any case.
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Very well written Brother. I can relate in many, many ways. Iām not going down the HERO Origins route yet but have been paying attention to this title for a while because at some point Iāll get to it.
Best wishes on your journey.
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Would this sub be good for mastering tailoring?
Whatever you like you start mastering
Hero Origin teaches you the way to master any craft
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Hero and Emperor: The Executive Custom
Hero Origins
Emperor: The Executive (The Executive)
Synergy: Iron Law
Synergy: Thunderstruck
Solar Plexus
BERSERKER
Essence: Total War
Essence: Spartanās Creed
Extreme Exercise Motivation
SPS: Fat Burn
The Feedback Loop
The Fools Courage
RAIKOV
Heracles
Inexhaustible
Anvil of Haephestus
Inner Voice
Immortals Blade
Fusion Core
DEUS
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This.
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Will it work for the job, not a career you like but the job you do regularly?
I donāt see why not as long as you have the intention to improve in it and take action for that
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It will help with whatever youāre passionate about or want to become tremendously good at.
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Among other thingsā¦ starting a new job, considering a customā¦