Update
Last night was strange, very strange. I tossed and turned all night long, frequently falling asleep and then waking back up. I had dream after dream. Most of them I’ve forgotten, but I do remember a few scenes in particular.
One scene involved me seeing my ex again. I tried to get away from her, but she noticed me before I escaped. She said hi and stood really, really close to me. She smelled me and said, “Why are you so beautiful?” The way she asked it was mournful, as if she wants me back, as if she was crushed that we were no longer together.
Another scene was me at work, and I came to the conclusion that I can just come into work for fun, one of the owners of the company seemed to agree with me. I felt a sudden release of pressure, as if the job really isn’t nearly as high stakes as it’s felt.
Another scene involved my car getting stolen. My car was stolen, then returned to me, when it returned, the car was breaking down. I drove it into a brothel (dream logic) and got out, seeing a friend of mine (in the dream, in real life I didn’t recognize her) and I stayed with her.
When I finally woke for the last time I felt good. Really good actually. I felt physically and emotionally better than I’ve felt in weeks, if not a few months. I felt free of so much.
I realized shortly after waking that I was out of cigarettes…but I didn’t care. Ordinarily, it would have caused a panic–the idea of not being able to smoke before work, mixed with the understanding that I wouldn’t be able to smoke at all until after I’d gotten off work typically causes me distress and this rarely happens because I always make sure I have cigarettes to avoid this.
This morning? I didn’t care, I was even excited at the prospect of starting my day and working a full shift without any cigarettes. So I did, I only just smoked for the first time an hour ago. Working without smokes was easy, it felt good too.
So here I am. Reborn in the space of a night. Something happened last night, my subconscious processed something (or many things) and boom, here I am. It’s difficult to describe exactly what’s changed, but it’s profound.
For a year, I’ve been planning a water fast. This time, this time I think it will actually happen. There is a certain lightness, a certain confidence in my soul that I’ve arrived at a point, a point long sought after, and now that I’m here, now that I’ve crossed the invisible doorway, there is no returning from where I came.