Just a loose ended journal here to share my thoughts and experiences on Khan. Been meaning to write this for a while, wanting to write something eloquent that would give back to the community, but I’ve realized that I just need to get my thoughts down and not let my OCD perfectionism get in the way.
First, here is some background on my SubClub experiences: I started running S&S back in February (got laid for the first time in several months, with just a lil bit of action-taking) then moved on to Primal for a month or two, before moving on to Emperor as my first subliminal that I ran seriously (i.e. dedicated listening almost every single day – I missed maybe 5-6 days in the 4 months I ran it).
Now, Emperor had some pros and cons for me, mainly money and social circle related.
After a few years of living paycheck to paycheck and borderline broke (I was literally homeless for a few months), I finally started saving actual money in my bank account and amassed over $1,000 dollars in savings just sitting there. Now this may not seem like a lot of money to you guys, but for me it’s an increase of over 100% from where I was (couple hundred in the bank at most). I’m sitting on a couple grand right now.
Set all my bills on auto-pay, and started finally paying down credit card debt (also set to auto-pay), joined a gym, bought a new phone with a great camera (as a business investment to photograph/videograph art projects that I want to create/build and post them on social media).
Started waking up super early consistently to go to the gym and do chores (I’m talking 5 am or earlier). This wasn’t entirely positive though, as I did spend the first hour or two simply drinking coffee and watching videos on the internet which interested me.
Prons (both pro and con):
- Social circle: Hooooly shit. I literally cut off 99% of my social circle and completely stopped going out to bars/clubs (I’d quit drinking earlier this year, so this was sort of inevitable and the path I was headed in anyways but maaaan). I started thinking to myself: “what am I even going here for, these people aren’t really even my friends, they’re drinking buddies whom I hang out with while I’m fucked up. Yeah it’s fun, but it’s completely shallow, and I’m not getting any useful networking out of this” --> in retrospect, this part isn’t necessarily true as I believe going out and socializing is beneficial if done the right way, and business prospects and opportunities do arise – alas this was one of the reasons I decided to switch to Khan.
Actually, one night after months I finally decided to go to my local pub, and all the regulars were shocked to finally see me. One of my friends asked me if I was doing okay (as in, implying if I was depressed. I explained to him that I had quit drinking, and that I was not depressed or avoiding anyone on purpose, and that I was just recharging myself.
Ok, now onto Khan:
Stage 1 (7/28 - 8/26 | ~ 420 hours): Building on Emperor, I wanted to be extra-dedicated to my listening, and so I started my first physical journal in a notebook where I physically put pen to paper. I wrote down any thoughts, feelings, or unusual occurrences I noticed. At a minimum I kept a log of the exact number of hours I listened. (As I progressed with Khan, my notes became less detailed).
My first entry was actually on 7/30, but I wrote down what happened the first 2 days of running ST1.
I listened (mostly) masked during the day as my workplace often has loud noises for long periods of time about 8 hours. Then I listened 8 hours ultrasonic at night. I kept this regimen up for almost my entire Khan run, except the hours eventually dropped form 15-16 i ST1 to around 12 during ST2
- I had one dream where a woman was speaking but couldn’t remember the context).
-On the second day, at work, I had some minor things that annoyed me. I had thoughts of quitting smoking weed to max my potential productivity.
- Some anger/irritability during they day at work when I misplaced a tool.
- Looked through Facebook comments, having a feeling to want to fit in with my friends (coming off Emperor, this was something new). I had feeling of playfulness/ and optimism.
- Had a dream about a girl I hooked up with this year, and some unread text messages. I had a lot of drama with this girl, and she kinda put me through a lot emotionally, projecting her insecurities onto me and just being an asshole towards me when things didn’t work out.
- In my notebook I wrote: “Feelings today: Enjoying conversations and/or thoughts of going out and convo-ing”
Had a dream of a digital watch moving from 6:56 to 6:66. So some minor synchronicity in my dream.
My high school friend who I hadn’t seen in a couple years was in town and wanted to meet up. I was actually kinda annoyed/irritable that she hit me up and interrupted my day. I wrote “Some irritability. Meeting with _____ Is it even important? I know it is, childhood friend, etc”
I had flashback during the day of the country where I grew up, childhood memories, specific scenes from an animated kids TV show about soccer…Yearning to visit the country where I grew up.
Journal quote: " Can I truly be a king with unlimited wealth, travelling the globe, meeting women, having a vibrant, amazing, social life?"
8th day through 11th day: Just logged my hours.
12th day: - Had some detailed, vivid, dreams about my childhood, details such as the feeling and texture of window sills that I had long forgotten
- During work I had an incident where a property manager client of ours pretty much strong-armed me (or begged really hard/insisted) to get some work done first thing tomorrow morning. I obliged her, but afterwards I felt a lot of anger and regret, that I just rolled over and gave her what she wanted.
Something my Mom said to me on a texting app made me mad. I had thoughts of quitting all my useless social media and blocking my Mom. I don’t remember actually doing it.
15th day: Had some sex dreams and dreams of running around the neighborhood/ex hometown where I lived when I went to middle/high school.
Day 16 through 23: Mostly logged hours.
24th day: I did a tally of the hours I had logged in ST1, and calculated that by the next morning, at 15 hours a day for 28 days, I’d have logged 420 hours. I found this to be somewhat hilarious and considered it a sign to move onto stage 2, which I began the latter half of the following day.
ST1 was actually not that difficult for me to run. There were definitely some ups and downs, and anger/irritability here and there. I also did notice some increased sexuality in me, and finding women to be exceptionally beautiful.
Stage 2 (8/26 - 9/22 | ~324 hours): This stage started off as a doozy. At least one breakthrough experience.
1st full day:
- Was actually a half-day. Nothing noted except “better interactions at ____ office” at one of our property clients.
2nd day: Just logged hours
- Okay, this is when I realized ST2 was doing work on me. Pretty much, I woke up in the morning and I was making my breakfast, and my roommate came up and questioned what pan I was using to cook. Not gonna go into too many details, but pretty much, he started questioning me and when I answered him satisfactorily, it wasn’t good enough for him. Usually, I would just avoid the argument and just do as he asked, but not today. Because he didn’t get the answer he expected, he back attacking my character, and I asked him to prove his point, and he couldn’t do it. Pretty much, I had the biggest argument I’d ever had with him, because instead of pacifying the situation and de-escalating, I WOULD not back down. I was SEETHING with anger for hours afterward. Testosterone spike like a mofo. I felt FUCKING POWERFUL, dangerous even. It almost sounds stupid writing about it, because it was an argument about some dumb kitchen shit that didn’t really even matter.
My relationship with him changed entirely. This roommate is quasi my best friend and I’ve known him for half a decade. That being said, he has behaviors that annoy the fuck out of me and are really disrespectful toward me, but I just brush it off. I usually hang out with him after work almost every day in his room, but after this I completely stopped hanging out with him for weeks.; we both had busy schedules at this point so I think he might have chalked it up to that. From that point on, I made sure I stayed 100% on top of all the house chores almost with a vengeance, just so he had zero chance to bitch about me, kinda sticking it to him in a way. Anyways I think we’re back to being friends now, but I’ve definitely got some boundaries set up at this point. We still got love for each other though.
Okay, for the rest of the ST2 until day 11, I only logged my hours, and wrote down some career goals for myself and general bucket-list life goals. And after that, I stopped journaling completely.
However… I did have a second breakthrough, and I believe it was in the first week of running ST2. I woke up in the middle of the night and told my long-time platonic friend of almost a decade that I had feelings for her, crazy deep, irrational, romantic feelings. I told her this over a social media app. I don’t know what happened, but I think I was harboring these feelings so long, I was weighed down by it. So when I finally told her, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t log it in my journal apparently, although I did make a post about it in the Khan main Dev thread.
Of course, the next morning, I woke up and panicked that I had done that. I deleted my post from the forum, and then I deleted my friend from the social-media app. I didn’t talk to her for about 3 weeks or so after and just focused on work. When I did finally add her back, I saw that she had sent me a message that I never received. I sent her a random message saying hi. She didn’t respond. Then I told her that I was sorry for deleting her and sorry if I made her upset. She said that yes, she was upset. But we bantered a bit, and we’re back to talking-terms again. I haven’t seen her in person yet, but I think it’ll turn out okay. To be honest, she has a lot of great qualities for a long-term type relationship, and I’m pretty sure that’s what she’s looking for. However, I think I still have a lot of soul-searching to do personally and a lot of women out there that I want to meet and experience. So I think it’s all for the best.
So that’s it for ST2. After the first week or two, it was relatively smooth sailing. I had a trip planned for work (I’m on the trip right now), for which I wanted to sync starting ST3. Therefore, I made the decision to cut ST2 short at a bit over 300 hours , especially since it was relatively smooth sailing for the last week.
I’m currently doing seasonal work up North and am mostly completely alone with my thoughts. It’s sort of a work-vacation/brain reset, getting back in touch with myself with little distractions.
It’s a bit lonely though. Due to some weather delays I’ve been holed up in the library, trying to do some prep-work to fast-track a career switch to the technology industry.
I’m currently at the 2 week mark for ST3. I listened almost 24/7 for the first couple days, all ultrasonic. Then I came across the post by Saint recommending day-time listening. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten perfect sleep listening to ultras at night, so I’m sticking to day-time, ranging from 6-8 hours every day. It’s a welcome respite from the 24/7 subliminal inundation, for sure.
Glad to finally get this post on the forum. I was trying to concentrate on my self-assigned homework, but kept getting distracted by the nagging thought of not putting this out there (before I was only distracted by Youtube, so at least this is productive procrastination? Lol). So hopefully now I can study! Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my long-ass blurb , and huge thanks to Saint and Fire for their incredible subs!
I hope to keep this journal updated at least intermittently from here on out. Cheers.