Ayyy sorry for the delay. Here’s an update. I wrote a whole-ass essay, but I ground it down, and here’s the juice:
I haven’t posted bc I felt bad for slipping into my old ways and not having decent progress (spoiler: in actuality major progress and breakthroughs occurred internally thanks to Emperor V4 – and some K3, K4, Commander, and weee sprinklings of S&S and Primal for shits n giggles), but I’m back to my new ways, up and onward, thanks to StarkQ (It’s why I woke up at fucking 2am and began organizing a bunch of shit and finally decided to fucking post this. Yeah sleep has been a bit sketchy, though maybe not all attributable to StarkQ).
Okay, February thru April 15, I slipped back into my bud-phase, but nothing bad happened, even by coasting I was making good money compared to previous years of my life. I had a shit-ton of business and art ideas, but coupled with an existential anxiety for not materializing the ideas into fruition, I felt an inner monologue of “yeah these ideas are awesome Tarmac, but how is this any different from your other “awesome ideas” if you don’t materialize them ???”. Not gonna lie, it felt fucking bad at times.
Synchronicity Detour: My brain is stubborn and occasionally is like: “Yeah it’s 11:11 bro, of course ur gonna see it bc u look at ur phone every 30 seconds you nincompoop!”. Then the universe be like: “oh ya? Well here’s a fucking out-of-whack coffee maker that went out with the power thats now in sync with a potato on the Television!! Hahaaaa” (okay more like in sync with a microwave whose remaining time was 11 seconds, but u get the idea. Every time I doubt, I get get proven wrong, honestly super fucking cool)
Here are some tangible improvements I made running EV4:
Been writing shit out a whole bunch (goals and ideas), and when I dont’ have a pen/paper, I make use of my phone recorder which conveniently makes a transcript for me. I make sure to go through these weekly to internalize them, almost passively.
I wrote out specific list of life goals (again, but a more refined list than my previous one running Khan). I don’t wanna self-identify so I’m not gonna share them this moment.
Non-tangible, internal: I became HYPER-aware of my emotional shortcomings, for example, the extreme emotional impacts events have on me. I’ve mentioned this before, but I re-run interactions in my mind over and over hours after they’ve passed. The positive ones keep me elated for hours, the negative ones keep me pissed off for hours. The good news: Either way, it’s a fucking motivator. My idealism, this deep, striving, inner part of my soul, YEARNS for greatness, and I can go to extreme lengths to prove someone wrong, or in the other direction, I can go to extreme lengths to surpass expectations for someone who gave me positive feedback for a job I did (“Oh you liked that work I did last time?Watch me do it better!”). Again guys, all internal, and may not even be my exact inner monologue at the time, but it’s the best way I can put it into words right now.
Another internal: Family grudges and events from the past that have been weighing on me. I finally broke it down, and it was surprisingly simple, stupidly simple: The need for approval. In fact, the previous paragraph detailing the lengths I go to for people I don’t even know. That’s need for approval too. Even deeper and simpler: Self-esteem and self-respect. I shouldn’t care what other people think, the only person whom I need to impress, the only person whose standards I need to meet are my own. Hell, even me avoiding posting here on this forum the last few months: Need for approval, external validation, hell even some shame for “not getting results”.
This may not seem like a big deal to come to these conclusions, and labeling these feelings. They’re still they’re, a part of me. But now that I know what it is, I’m more aware of it, and when I’m aware of it, now I can work with it. I can now catch myself when I’m feeling the feelings that I feel, and look at situations more objectively. Invaluable.
It wasn’t easy guys, downright painful at times. But I’m better for it.
That’s it for now. My next post will be about my StarkQ experiences.