This sounds right. Like a generalized fear reaction at the prospect of so-much change.
I think that, particularly for INFP or similar types, befriending these challenging parts of ourselves and reactions within ourselves may sometimes be a more effective strategy.
Some people’s relationship to their inner lives is like: “oh, i visit there every so often. Maybe once or year or so.”
With other people it’s like, ‘The inner world? Oh, I basically live there. If you want to write to me, please send it to that address.”
If you’re only visiting a place once a year, then getting into fights and arguments with some of the residents may work reasonably well. But if you’re living there long-term, fighting with all of your neighbors will probably not work too well.
So, for some people, using labels like ‘self-sabotaging’ and so on to describe parts of their own minds, may actually work okay.
For me, I prefer to find out what this part of me is really trying to accomplish. Invariably, I find that it’s trying, in its own way, to help.
Doubt and fear are attempts to protect from the unknown, from excessive change, or from potentially damaging experiences and situations.
Sometimes they approach their jobs a little too enthusiastically.
Like an office cleaner who is so worried about the negative impressions created by a messy office that he comes into the office to vacuum noisily while you’re having an important meeting.
His underlying motivation is a great one. He just needs to dial back the intensity; probably also needs to improve/increase communicate with the rest of the team so he can direct that motivation appropriately.
Fear. Sadness. Doubt. Anger. These are emotions that have very valuable functions but that, due to their painful natures, we tend to wall off, and push out of the room. As a result, they don’t get to communicate and coordinate well with the rest of the team. And so they end up coming back and interrupting things even worse than they did originally.
One practice I work with when I can handle it, (i.e., not in the middle of an actual crisis) is to hold these aspects of myself in gratitude.
It’s literally just being thankful for them. For the fear. The shit. The Anger. The difficulty. The doubt. The disappointment. The pain. The frustrations. The discouragement. The sense that things might not change. All of that.
“Thank you for [insert here].”. or “I’m grateful for [insert here]”. or one that I like (since it allows me to leave in a bit of resentment) is “I am grateful even for [insert here].”.
How to be grateful for those things? I find that it evolves over time. Originally, I was thinking, ‘I’m grateful for these because they are part of my life and I’m glad to be alive’
But as time goes on, I sometimes see actual specific things that they are doing (or attempting to do) for which I am genuinely grateful.
They still kick my ass routinely (and I kick theirs sometimes). And I can’t always just generate gratitude on command or something. But it’s like over time the relationship is improving.
It just feels right to me.
Which brings me to the conclusion: If this practice does not feel right for you, then it may legitimately not be. Timing is everything. And it’s not always the right time for a given practice, even if, for someone else, it is the right time. I’m just sharing it in case it is the right time. Or in case, later on, it may become the right time.
